VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com
Logan Henderson
BlogPost 012
Coping
The next part of what I'm about to start telling you.. Well, I'm not proud of it at all. I hated this part of myself, this part of my life. I was digusted thinking about it.
But it happened, and I can never change that.
I had come home from the hospital and was healing, adjusting. My anxiety was through the roof and valium wasn't doing the trick. Being attacked really.. Fucked me up. I barely wanted to leave the house, and never alone. It was horrible.
I even felt like my kids had been distanced from me, everyone had. And it was my fault.
But today? I was going to have to get over that, because I had to go meet Jax at the studio. I had convinced him to let the shit go because the last thing we needed was them to retaliate with people who we were benefiting from, even with them getting 40%.
I was a nervous wreck, I didn't wanna go there. But Jax said he had a friend who could help me with the anxiety issues I was having. A manufactured drug, something like an Opana but stronger.
I didn't want to know.
The drive there was horrible, but I popped a Xanax and it helped a little bit. Enough to get me there and inside, where my husband immediately greated me at the door.
"Hey babe." he kissed my cheek and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, guiding me to the back, into the office.
There were two black men, repping purple. Gang affiliation. Not my business. There were a few bags on the table with dice marked on them, filled with an ashy colored substance.
"It's not all the time," Jax started, dumping some out and cutting out two lines. "Just when you absolutely need it. Here," He snorted one line and then passed it to me. Without thinking, I railed it. My head was instantly on fire for three seconds, and then gone.
Fuck.
And just like that, all my feelings diappeared. I felt like I could fucking function again, like I could be normal and didn't have to be so anxiety ridden.
"Wow." Was all I could say, collapsing back into a chair. Jax and the other gang members exchanged a hand shake and a few words before the guys left.
He closed and locked the office door behind them, coming over and kneeling down infront of me, grabbing my hands and kissing them.
"How ya feelin?"
I couldn't even put it into words, so i just nodded and let out a little giggle.
He laughed back, starting to get up, leaning forward to place a few kisses on my neck.
My husband and I hadn't really been intimate since I got attacked but it hit me like a fucking train; I was horny as.. Jesus fucking Christ I was just horny.
I leaned forward, letting him kiss and suck my neck more, gentle moans escaping my lips.
"Take me." I told him. He broke away to look at me, and I nodded.
Jax grabbed me up and sat me on his desk, I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck, him kissing my nape and using his hands to rub my breast. I was so sensitive to touch; this high was fucking amazing. For the first time in a very long time, I felt normal.
We both knew it had to be a quicker, but god damn it. I was as wet as a fucking puddle and he was harder than a rock.
We fumbled, pulling each others pants down a bit, and within seconds he slid into me, errupting a bit of a scream. It so long and thick, I could feel my walls squeeing him tight. When he pulled out and thrusted back in hard I lost my breath, I could feel him in my stomach; Fuck.
"Fuck me." I moaned in his ear. He grabbed me tighter around the waist and slammed into me harder and faster, shaking the desk. I didn't care how loud I was being, and neither did he.
A long lived ten minutes and we both came. I collappsed back across the desk, hanging off the other side and Jax fell back into his chair. We caught out breath for a few seconds and then pulled our pants back up.
"Can you follow me back to the garage? I wanna drop the bike off and then we can go pick the kids up together, maybe get a bite to eat."
And nothing sounded fucking better. Instead of answering him I gave him a deep, long kiss. He smiled as we pulled away and gave me another kiss on the forehead. I picked up my purse and he grabbed his keys. As we exited the office and he locked it, I lit us both a cigarette, handing one over to him. I switched back to reds, because it was just easier. Plus I liked a stronger cigarette now-a-days anyway.
We walked towards the door, smoking our cigarettes. Nothing was better than a cigarette after good sex. As we turned the corner, we hard Tig chuckle and cause an uproar.
"Shoulda put the fucking cameras in the office, now THAT woulda made some money."
"Fuck you!" Jax laughed back. I couldn't help but crack a smile. I mean hey, our sex was good. And not trying to brag, but we were both good looking people, at least I thought so.
I followed him back to the garage and waited in the passanger seat while he parked the bike and got it locked up for the night.
Jax got in the car, getting adjusted for a second.
"Do you wanna do another line?" I was starting to come down, and I didn't much like feeling how I was before. Jax smirked, pulled out a baggie and scooped us both up two little piles with his keys.
And life was good again.
We chain smoked cigarettes with the windows rolled all the way down on the way to get the kids. I was so excied to see them, and so excited to go get food; I was starving.
As soon as we pulled up to Gemmas Abel started yelling. We opened the fence and walked through to the back yard where he was playing with Toby and Raven and Gemma was holding Nova, who was chewing on one of her toys. She was started to get teeth poking through but luckily it's gone well. No high fevers or anything, just chewing everything and drooling everywhere.
"Mommy!" Abel came running over to me. I bent down to greet him, picking him up in a big hug.
"Hey bubbas." I gave him four of five quick kisses on the cheek, and he gave me one back, nearly strangling me around the neck. "I missed you sooooooo much." I sat him down and he grabbed my hand, walking over to Gemma with us.
"It's nice to see you smiling for a change." she told me. And I flashed her a big smile, just to show her how happy I was. God, this was what I needed. She handed me Nova, who instantly started smiling at me, dropping her chew toy and all.
"Hello my sweet darling." I greeted her, kissing her cheek and then pinching her chunky little legs. "Mama missed you, yes I did." i loved seeing how happy she got when I baby talked her. Jax leaned over my shoulder, causing Nova to smile bigger. "Do you want daddy?" And she started cooing, waving her arms around. I turned around and handed her to Jax. She was such a daddys girl; I may have carried her for 9 months and given birth, but fuck me, right? Daddy all the way.
We talked with Gemma and Clay for a little while, but didn't stay long. Jax and I were starving and needed a beer, and Abel said he was getting hungry too.
We went to the diner in South Charming, delicious food and ice cold beer, always. We got a little booth table in the back, it was quiet. Not a lot of people were there.
Jax and I both ordered burgers and loaded fries, Abel got a grilled cheese and fries. I tried to feed Nova before our food came out, so we could eat a little easier. It was perfect, she ate, I burped her, and she was content playing with her carseat toys.
"I love you." I told Jax over the table, reaching for his hands.
"Ew!" Abel blurted out, making a sour face.
"Hey!" Jax turned to him. "It's not ew. I love your mommy very much, don't you?"
He thought for a second. "Well, yeah. I love mommy."
I smiled. And I loved my boys and my little girl. I loved my little family, I loved it all. For the first time in a very very long time I felt happy and normal. This is what it was supposed to be like all the time, well, most of the time at least. My happy family, everything was great.
And then my phone rang.
It was my mom, and the conversation was short, she didn't seem in the best of spirits. She just said she really thought Jax and I should stop over tonight, so I called Gemma up and told her it was a change of plans and we needed to drop the kids back off.
Abel was fussy about it, but he fell asleep on the car ride there and was still out when we got there. We got the kids taken inside and hurried back out, over to my parents house.
They were sitting in the living room, quiet; just like a dark cloud over the entire room.
"Mom? Dad? Is Gram okay? What's going on?" I came in and sat down next to my mom, who hadn't found words yet. "Momma, what's going on?"
Jax sat across from me in a chair, leaning forward on his knees, waiting for what they were about to say.
My mom reached down and grabbed my hand, then looked over to my father who nodded to her.
"Daddy had his appointment today, we got back all his test results." And that's the moment I knew nothing she was about to say could be good. "It's not good." She stopped to catch her breath, trying to hold back tears. "He has very aggressive stage 4 colon and pancreas cancer.."
I didn't know it until a tear fell down on my hand, but I was bawling like an absoultey baby; a toddler having a terrible-two melt down, if you will. My dad came over and hugged me.
"They gave me less than 6 months, but said I can try treatment if I want to." He sat down next to me, continuing to hug me tight. "Your mom and I are gonna go stay with Aunt Moriah in Cleveland, there's a treatment center near there. We're gonna see how I react at first and then try and go from there."
My dad was dying and now they were telling me they were going to the other fucking side of the country? No.
"You can't be serious." I was pissed off at the entire fucking world. "You're dying, soon, and you're telling me you're moving 1000 miles away from me, your family?!" I was hysterical, I'm sure they could barely even understand what I was saying anymore.
"Logan, compose yourself." My mom grabbed my shoulders. I looked to my husband and his eyes and face were just sad. "This is the best decision, this is what we need to do." She told me seriously.
I didn't want to accept this, I didn't want to believe this. But I had to.
I hugged both my parents close and tight. "I love you so much."
And that's when everything changed. Things were getting worse, but it was nowhere close to rock bottom yet.
Fuck, man.
Next time?
I hate myself.
Logan