Chapter 4: Is Happiness a Mediocre Sin?

In the days after her argument with Baron, more things had come to light. Before she even arrived in Florida, he had hooked up with a girl named Zahra Schreiber. And before that, there was a brief on again off again series of trysts between him and the pixie princess, Alexa Bliss.

Brennan took it stride. What did it matter to her what he did? As far as she was concerned, they were done. But if that was true, why did it hurt so much? Why did it feel like she had to swallow down her heart every time she stepped inside the Full Sail Studios Live Arena?

She had become eerily quiet at work too. She would only speak if spoken to first. She was still as pleasant as ever, but something was off. Her smiles didn't reach her eyes anymore. It was a transparent front, but no one knew how to approach it. She stayed to herself, out of the way of others. She did what she was there to do and she left.

At night, she had started a new routine. Once she got home, she went straight into her bedroom to change her clothes and take off her jewelry. Then she went into her bathroom to take off her makeup and cleanse her face. Next, she headed down the hall and to the left into her kitchen. Her nightly meals had consisted of a tumbler of cold tequila until she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore while she sat on her couch.

After all, numb was still a feeling. And it sure beat the hell out of sitting around crying.

Brennan was walking out of her kitchen when there was a knock at her door. 'Please deities, have my back tonight. Don't let it be Tommy or Alexa... Or anyone from work actually.' She took a deep steadying breath, not bothering to look through the peephole, figuring whomever was on the other side of the door obviously knew she was home.

They knocked again. "Come on, B. I know you're in there."

'Great. Thanks deities, I guess two out of three ain't so bad.'

She slowly opened the door. The light in the hallway was much brighter than the dimness of her apartment. She reached to her left to turn on the light in her breakfast nook.

"What are you doing here, Corey?" She left the door open for him as she turned and trudged the several feet to her living room.

"Hello, it's nice to see you too, Brennan." Sarcasm dripped from his voice as he closed the door behind him.

She cut her eyes towards him as he flopped down on the end of the couch closest to the door. She stayed quiet, waiting for him to speak.

He took in her appearance. She was causally draped in black leggings and a black racer back tank top. Her braids were growing out and her natural tightly curled, dark, dirty blonde hair was starting to show more prominently at her scalp. Her usual warm playful eyes looked empty and cold. Her skin looked even paler than usual and the dark circles under her eyes looked like she either hadn't been sleeping well or she wasn't sleeping at all. All in all, she looked miserable, sad, distraught, and tired; she looked like shit.

She took a drink from her glass, staring straight ahead at the darkened flat TV screen. She swirled the liquid in her glass absentmindedly before taking a long gulp. She rose from her spot on the couch and walked behind it, past the small three seat bar off of her kitchen counter before she opened the refrigerator freezer door. Corey watched her, trying to see what see was drinking but she was blocking his view. He noticed she scrubbed her face with her left hand before she grabbed her glass again taking a sip.

"Do you want anything while I'm up?" Her voice startled him a bit.

"A beer if you have one, please." His voice seemed too loud for how quiet and solemn her place felt.

She shoved whatever she was drinking back into the freezer before she opened the refrigerator door and grabbed a beer. He heard her rummaging through a drawer. When she returned she handed him a cold Bud Light and a bottle opener.

"Thanks."

She gave him a curt nod in response.

"What are you doing here, Graves?" She had leaned forward, her elbows resting on her thighs, her right palm was downward, holding her glass.

"I figured you could use the company."

She turned her head slowly to look at him. He took a drink of his beer. She sat back, scrubbing her face with her left hand, her eyes leaving Corey.

"That's cute, but what are you really doing here? You gotta report back to home base with news about me?" She was looking at him again. He felt like she was looking through him though.

He grabbed a coaster on the coffee table and sat his beer on it.

"We're worried about you." He rubbed his right hand back and forth on his jean clad thigh.

She smiled, but something about it wasn't happy.

"I'm fine, can't you tell?" She turned her gaze to the floor.

"Look, I'm really not in the mood for your sarcasm."

She slammed her glass down on the table. The liquid sloshed around in the glass at the amount of force she used, but there wasn't enough for it to come over the edges of the glass.

"And I'm not in the mood period, Corey. So tell me what you want or get the hell out. It's that simple."

"I just fucking told you why I'm here. We're worried. You've been avoiding all of us like the fucking plague. You haven't been out with us. Our friendship has become less than a fucking acquaintanceship since you barely fucking even acknowledge our existences. That's not you, Blue. This isn't you. What the fuck is going on?"

"What do you want me to tell you?" He could barely make out what she said. "I told you I was fine."

"Bullshit."

She smiled that same empty smile. And every time she did, it felt like he was getting ice water dumped over his head. It was unsettling to see.

"Tommy told me you had a run in with Roxy."

She made a derisive sound through her nose. "Is that what he told you? More like he had a run in with Roxy. It was a really spectacular 'suck your face off' reunion I got to witness. Let me tell you, I couldn't wait to get away from it." She grabbed her glass and drained the contents. She blinked rapidly, as if something was in both eyes. "Then, we got in this huge argument about it and he threw Dennis in my face. And you know, I'm not one to keep secrets so I told him about Dennis and then Tommy took off. Next thing I know, some black haired boxed-dye broad is telling me how she used to fuck him and so did Alexa. Alexa, of all fucking people! But you know... At least she had the spine to own up to it. She even apologized for not telling me. And now... Now I'm coping."

"Sitting in your dark ass apartment drinking is not coping. It's self-medicating and wallowing."

Her gaze was down, focusing on her pedicured toes.

"Brennan, look at me."

She shook her head.

"I know we all handle shit differently, but bottling this up isn't good." He had gotten on his knees in front of her. He didn't know why, but he wanted to her to understand that he was there for her. It didn't matter whether she was smiling and laughing or feeling lower than low; she needed to know he had her back.

He heard her sniffle as she scrubbed her face again. This time he caught a glimpse of the script font going down her left forearm. "What's this say?" He grabbed her arm reading her tattoo.

Wet hazel eyes lifted to meet his gaze. The same eerie empty smile graced her face. "Is happiness a mediocre sin?" Tears threatened to spill from her eyes.

"I don't understand." He searched her face.

"To most, I suppose it would be a mediocre thing, happiness. That's the goal. That's the journey and the destination. But for some us, it's the greatest sin of all." She pulled her arm away and wiped at her eyes. Corey's eyebrows furrowed which caused Brennan to let out a watery chuckle. "We all experience happiness. Embrace it, welcome it and then some of us that have had that experience have realized that it'll be short lived and will end up hurt." She pushed her braids back from her face.

"How does that make it a sin?" He moved from his spot on the floor in front of her back to beside her on the couch.

"You have to decide if the happiness you want to experience is going to be worth the pain you're going to have to endure in the end when things fall apart." She folded her hands and rested her chin on her interlocked fingers.

Corey stared at the side of her face, taking in what she had explained. "Is he worth it?"

She turned to him, her eyes shining with unshed tears, "Absolutely."

Whaaaaat? Two chapters in one week? That's gotta be a record for my lazy butt. A few things, the title of this chapter comes from the song by the same title by one of my all time favorite bands, The Color Morale. This chapter is loosely inspired by the song and its lyrics. The other things are, I highly suggest you check them (The Color Morale) out, review and leave me your thoughts/comments/suggestions and… I can't remember what else. Ha, hope you all enjoy this chapter.