VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com

Logan Henderson

BlogPost 013

Who Am I?

You wanna know why I really hated getting a divorce, splitting custody of our children? Because some how, when they go with their father, something always happens.

This time? Abel had a broken arm, great.

I fucking hate Jax.

JESUS CHRIST UGH.

Here.

It had been about two weeks since my parents had left and gotten moved in out in Cleveland; I had talked to them everyday and facetimed them a few times. It wasn't nearly as awful as I thought it would be.

My days at work had become easier since Jax intorduced me to this new drug, my students and work friends could tell and had even commented on it a few times, saying how happy I had seemed lately. I was loving it.

However, I was building up a tolerence, because my habit had gone from one of those bags lasting me almost three days, to me needing one, maybe a little more, every day. But it kepy me normal, it let me function. It helped me cope with all the bullshit that had happened with those fucking spicks.

I was moving on from it, just trying my best to forget.

I was on my way to the club house after school let out to get the kids from Gemma. Abel loved days they spent at T&M, he loved being around the bikes and cars and all the guy. I was in serious trouble when this little boy was old enough to patch into his fathers club. Fuck.

I had finished off my last bag a little after lunch time, it was a long busy day, I needed it. I could feel myself starting to come down, but I wouldn't have anymore until Jax got home that night. Oh well, I'd have to deal.

By the time I got to T&M I could tell something was wrong with me; I felt sick and sweaty, I kept going from hot to cold and my head was starting to really hurt. I had to take a second to compose myself before going in to get the kids.

"Hey Gem," I greeted her at the entrance. "How were they today?"

She smiled. "Wonderful! As usual." she looked me up and down. "Are you alright, babe? Are you okay? You look a little pale."

I shook my head. "Yeah, I think so. I don't know. Feel like maybe I'm catching a little bit of a stomach bug or something."

"Well do you think I should keep the kids tonight, then? Don't want them getting sick, do you?"

Man, she had a point. I really wanted my babies home with me, but if I was getting the flu or something the last thing I needed was to get them sick.

"You're right. I'm just gonna head home and maybe lay down, take a shower or something. Thanks so much, Gem."

"Not a problem, babe. I love you, I hope you feel better. I'll send some soup home with Jax, okay?"

We hugged and I headed home, feeling progressively worse the entire way. As soon as I pulled into the driveway I threw the car door open and vomitted; fuck, I was sick.

I managed to get inside and then threw up in the sink again. I cleaned it all up and hurried into the bedroom and through the door to our bathroom, turning the shower on. I got undressed and stepped in the hot water, sitting down on the shower floor. I just let the hot water hit me, hoping it would make me feel better, but it really didn't at all.

I threw up in the shower and decided that was enough, I needed to lie down. I got out and dried my body off, putting a pair of PJ shorts and a tank top on. I crawled into my bed, using the AC remote to turn it on. I was face was so hot, but my entire body was sweating, which make it cold. I had the AC on 62 and was snuggled up under our comforter. I laid there, shivering and sick hoping Jax would be home soon to take care of me.

I fell asleep for about an hour and got woken up to my husband coming in, rushing through the door and back to the bedroom to me.

"Hey, baby." He sat down next to me, rubbing my back. He helped my roll over to face him.

"I feel so awful." I was so weak, too.

Jax pulled out a bag from his pocket and scopped up powder with the keys and gestured it to me.

I shook my head.

"No, I don't want that right now."

"Baby trust me. It'll make you feel better."

I trusted that enough, sometimes drugs did help you feel better if you were sick. I snorted the bump, and then he gave me another one and I snorted it up too.

15 minutes was all it took for me to feel alright. Literally every flu-like symptom I had went away. And I was concerned.

"Jaxon.." I sat down at the kitchen table across from him, sipping the cup of coffee I made for myself. "Was that withdraw?" He better not have given me something he knew I would never actually use.

"It was like withdraw. Like, ya know how people who take Xanax everyday can't just stop cause they can get seizures and shit? It's the same thing, it can make you sick. You've been using it everyday Logan, like people who take pain pills everyday. Your body adjusts and then gets sick when it doesn't have it. So, yeah, like withdraw but not withdraw. You aren't a junkie."

And the thought in the back of my head told me not to believe his bullshit, but I didn't listen. TH back of my head knew I was becoming a junkie and tried to send me warnings, but I refused to listen. I felt good and I didn't have to think about any of the bad stuff, the stuff that made me hate my life. I was free from it all when I took this, and I could still function; I was a good teacher, a good wife and a good mother. I wasn't a bad person, a junkie. That wasn't me.

"You're right." I placed my hands over his. "You just know how worried I get." He looked at me and I could see his eyes, his pupils were as small as a pen tip, much like mine. We were both high and pinned as fuck. But I couldn't even care, I looked away and let the thought go. Things were working, and I was just fine with that.

I bent down and picked up 10-month-old Nova as she was crawling for the back door.

"I don't think so, young lady." I carried her over to her play-pin and put her down in it. "Abel?!" I yelled through the house. I heard little feet running from the play room. My son turned a corner, wearing nothing but his diaper and a sheriff hat.

"Listen here, Sheriff Abel. I need you to watch your little outlaw sister while mommy goes to the bathroom, okay?" He nodded his head and ran over, holding his toy gun up in the air.

"Stay, Nova!" he commanded at her like a dog, taking a seat and not letting his eyes leave her.

I smiled, rolling my eyes as I walked towards the bathroom. I got in and locked the door behind me, opening the medicine cabinet. I pulled out the little tin on the top shelf, opening it up and grabbing a baggie out. I grabbed my compact mirror, opening it to dump powder onto. I dumped half the bag out, railing the line right up. My face felt like needles for a second, and then went numb. I put the tin back away and sat down on the toilet for a second, letting it sink in. I was so down, my eyes were heavy. After a few seconds I was able to stand up and open my eyes.

I got in the cabinet under the sink, searching for a pink box; a pregnancy test. I was been postponing this for about two months now, not wanting to know, just hoping I'd get a period of something. But nothing. It was now or never.

I found the tests and ripped it open, taking the cap off. I jumped on the toilet, starting to pee on the stick immediately. I sat it on the sink as I flushed, buttoned my pants and then washed my hands. It felt like I was having a heart attack when I looked back down at the test.

It was fucking positive. Not a faint line, either. A dark pink fucking line, loud and proud that it was there. I took a couple deep breaths, threw the test away and then left the bathroom.

I couldn't do this.

I've been using the entire time, and drugs couldn't be good for the baby.

I had to stop.

I needed help.

I needed Gemma.

And I needed to come clean.

Fuck.

I walked back over to the kids, bending down and picking Nova up, who stuck her tongue out at her brother; brat.

"Listen, buddy," I grabbed his hand. "We're gonna go get dressed and then we're gonna take you to go see Gramma, okay?"

"Yeah yeah yeah!" He always loved going to see Gemma, which I was thankful for.

I got both of them dressed quick and a bag packed. I hurried over to the garage, chewing gum like crazy cause I wanted a cigarette but refused to smoke in the car with my children. I pulled up to the garage and got them out quick, walking over to the door. Chibbas was sitting on a table, drinking a beer.

"Hey, do you think you could watch them for a minute, I need to go talk to Gemma."

Chibbas nodded, taking Nova from me. Abel sat down on the ground, playing with one of his trucks he brought with him. I headed inside to find Gemma. I walked back to the kitchen and she was there, cooking some type of chicken sandwich.

"Hey, what're you doing here?" she asked, surprised to see me. I wasn't planning on seeing her for a few days, either.

I was so anxious and my chest hurt more than anything. I lit a cigarette, puffing on it hard.

"What's wrong?" I was visably upset, great. I sat down in the one of the chairs, ashing my cigarette.

"I fucked up, Gem." she came over and sat in the other vacant chair, laying her hand on my leg. She gave me her supportive mother eyes. "After everything happened with those nasty ass wet backs.. I started using a new drug, I don't know. But it's been for quite a few months.. And it's bad. Really bad. I can't function without, I'm deathly ill if I don't have it."

"Are you saying you need help, baby?"

I bit my lip. "I'm pregnant again Gemma. I can't hurt this baby, I won't hurt this baby. I won't let what happened to Abel.." I had to stop for a minute from all my crying. "Gemma, help me."

She just pulled me into a big hug, rubbing my back. I needed my mother here, and Gem was the closest thing I had to that.

"We're gonna get you the help you need honey. Don't worry about anything; you just need to call in for work and tell them some personal things came up and you need time off, I'll take care of the rest."

And that's what I did.

Gemma was a pro with this kind of shit, with how many years she had spent as part of the club, all the people she had come across. She knew it was bad to stop me cold turkey, so for the first two weeks she stepped me down, helping me loser my dosage until I was back down to a bag every two-three days.

Then it was time for real hell. Staying with Gemma and Clay hadn't been all that bad, and Jax was being as supportive as he could be, at least from a distance. I liked to lie to myself and tell myself he wasn't still using, but I was almost positive he was, no matter how much he promised me he quit forever ago.

I was so sick and hot and cold and sweaty and shivering and sick and I couldn't even fucking think. I was so fucking sick. Gemma just left me there to suffer, throwing my guts up. She left me Gatorade, that was it. I leaned over the bed and puked into the garbage can she had there for me, blue liquid coming up from the drink.

Not only was I sick from the withdraw, I was having crazy sickness from this pregnancy. I wasn't even sure how far along I was, but I was never this sick with Nova, not once.

Or, maybe it was just the getting clean.

God, why was I so stupid? How could I ever justify using a drug like this, something as bad as heroin. Something that put my son in danger for his life.. I was a fucking idiot.

And I was so thankful for this baby, because if I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't be getting clean, I know I wouldn't be. Even though Jax didn't seem so excited, not nearly as happy as he was about Nova, I was so thankful, so happy. I could never put it into words.

I felt sweat drip off my forehead, watching it hit the pillow.

I groaned, laying my hand on my stomach. "This is for you, and your big brother and sister. I'd go through hell 1000 times for the three of you, always." Most people would have thought I was crazy, but I wasn't. I was talking to my baby boy, growing in me. As much as I thought Nova was a boy, I knew in my heart this baby was a boy; Jax and I were getting our son this time.

I fell asleep not long after my thoughts got heavy, it was too much right now.

And I slept for 10 hours, until Gemma came and woke me up, checking on me. As soon as I sat up I threw up what was left in my stomach until I was stuck just dry heaving.

"Another 48 hours and you'll be fine."

And that's what I told myself to make it through.

Those 48 hours were absolute hell but I made it through, and I felt so good. A little weird, but good. I was clean and healthy and alert. I was back to only smoking weed, and it felt great. I felt like I was a better mother, a better wife, a better everything.

But Jax was so distant, saying he was just working on so many deals and problems at the studio. He was starting to stay away from home all but maybe 5 hours when he would sleep. He'd come home after I was out and be gone before I got up in the morning with the kids.

Once again it felt like my marriage was failing, it was swirling down around me and there was nothing I could do. I was just hoping things were going to get better the further into this pregnancy I got.

And 3 months later and nothing had changed. I was 26 weeks pregnant and doing everything on my own, excluding all the help Gemma gave me. She knew her son was acting weird, acting off, and straying from his duties as a husband and father, so she made sure to pick up the slack.

I was at the club house with her, it was a beautiful day. We had a little pool filled up outside and Abel and Nova were enjoying it, splashing and playing around. It was going on almost 6 and I was starving. Gemma was making the kids hotdogs and Bubble Guppies macaroni and cheese, like Abel requested. Not exactly what myself and the baby wanted.

"Hey, I'm gonna go pick up food and run dinner out to Jax, closest thing we'll have had to a family dinner in.. I don't know." Gemma looked at my with sad eyes, knowing my feelings all too well. I heard and retained all the stories she constantly told me of when John was so into the club it devoured him; I didn't want Jax to suffer than same horrible fate, I couldn't live with it if he did.

I bent down with a towel, picking Nova up out of the pool. Abel grabbed his Avengers towel off the bench, wrapping himself up.

"Let's go inside and get real clothes on so you guys can eat with Gramma."

"You eat too?" Abel asked me.

I shooked my head. "No, buddy. Momma has to go see daddy for a little bit so maybe he can come back and spend the night with us. Would you like that?"

He smiled big, nodding his head up and down as fast as his little neck could go.I chuckled, calming him down.

"Okay. Me, you, daddy, Nova, and we can watch that movie you wanted to see? The Good Dinosaur?"

He let out an excited sound and then paused. "And also brudder." he brushed his hand against my stomach. God, I loved my children so fucking much and as crazy as things seemed right now I couldn't wait to bring this new child into the world.

I got the kids dressed and sat down with their food, kissing them both and Gemma goodbye, going to pick up the food I ordered.

I was hoping Jax would listen to me and come back with me so we could have a family night. WIshful thinking.

Honestly I'm an emotional wreck writing this and starting to write my next post. This is so hard.

But I want to thank all of you, just for reading, for listening.

This blog has really helped me, in more ways than you'll ever understand.

Until next time,

Much love,

Logan Henderson-Teller