VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com
Logan Henderson
BlogPost 014
The very worst day of my entire fucking life
I think the title speaks for itself.
I picked up our food and headed over to the studio, seeing Tigg outside smoking a cigarette. He looked VERY surprised to see me.
"Hey, TIggy." I greeted him with a smile, bags of food in my hand.
"Hey prego, what're you doing here?"
"Just bringing Jax some dinner, letting him know that our son is requesting a movie date tonight."
He nodded, butting his cigarette out.
"I, uh, I don't even think Jax is here." I looked right over his shoulder at my husbands bike, raising an eye brow at Tigg.
"Is that so?" I crossed my arms as best I could while carrying food, and cocked my hip to the side. "Why's his bike here?"
Tigg spun around, thinking of something to say. "Oh uh, uhm, erm, maybe he it still here. I dunno, thought he left." And he walked away, turning a corner of the building as quick as he could.
I was suspicous.
When I got inside a few of the boys looked at me, not saying much. I saw Opie, who was hiding in a corner, acting like he didn't see me.
"Hello?" I sounded sassy, but why was everyone acting so fucking weird? Opie looked at me, pretending to be surprised. "Where's Jax?" He tried not to look at me, but I took that as his answer. I stormed out of that room and down the hallway to his office. At first I thought it was from a shoot on one of the stage rooms, until I got to his office door; the sounds were coming from there. The door was locked, but it was just a simple turn latch. I hukled out and broke the lock, pushing the door open. And I ever expected to see what I did that moment.
My husband, butt-ass naked, balls deep in some redhead slut bent over his desk.
"Who the fuck are you? GET OUT!" she yelled at me. I felt the fire light in my eyes and I launched myself forward, grabbing her by the hair, forcing her and my soon-to-be ex-husband off of each other. I had the tightest grip on the back of her head with one hand, while my other hand had ahold of the front of her neck as she struggled.
"Who the fuck am I?" I slapped her across the fucking face. "Who. The. Fuck. Am. I?!" I slapped her again, making her lip bleed. I looked her dead in the face, seeing a few tears in her eyes, but mostly just anger. "I'm his fucking wife you cheap fucking cunt. The mother of his fucking children, unlike you, some fucking cum dumpster." And I hit her again. I dragged her all the way out of the office, Jax behind, getting his pants pulled up.
"Logan!" he yelled. "Let go of her!" he tried to grab one of my arms but I yanked away and tightened my grip on the sluts hair.
"Don't you fucking touch me you worthless piece of fucking shit!" I screamed. The entire studio fell silent, just watching my pregnant ass dragging this girl out. I got to the door and used her head to push it open, letting her weight carry her out into the parking lot.
"Get the fuck out of her, now!" I screamed at her. She tried to covered her body best she could, turning a corner into one of the tents next to the studio. I let the door slam and turned around to face my husband, who's pupils were so small I could barely see them.
I lost it, my mouth popped off, pushing and shoving him with every word I yelled.
"You fucking liar! You piece of shit fucking liar! I've been working my ass off, being a fucking mother to OUR children!" I shoved him against a wall, finally getting up in his face. "Getting clean for this fucking child you put in me! And you? Still high as fuck, fucking porn sluts!" I slapped him across his smug face. He tried to grab my wrist and I spit in his face. "Don't."
And I stormed off, getting in my car and spinning my tires as I pulled out.
And maybe this was our thing, because it seems to be a pattern. Jax had a monumental fuck up, and our children decide they went to enter the world.
The pain were so sharp and quick I had to stop driving. I pulled over to call Gemma, who was only at the garage, a short 10 minutes away from me. I didn't feel like explaining anything right now, I just needed to get to the hospital.
She was 10 minutes away from me, and we made it to St. Thomas in about 3. We were both worried, and so were the hospital staff; they took me back right away.
Everything was fast;
They took me back.
Ran tests for about an hour.
Attempted to stop my pre-term labor.
Failed.
Took me back for an emergency c-section.
I was out.
I woke up groggy in recovery, by myself. I wasn't in step-down yet, I couldn't have anyone back to see me. The nurse who was there told me I lost a lot of blood but was fine and that a doctor would be in to talk to me. I kept asking about the baby but she said she didn't know so she could't tell me anything.
A little while later the same doctor who delivered Nova came in, sitting down next to my bed.
"How do you feel?" she asked. I shrugged.
"Groggy. How's the baby?"
She took a breath. "You and the baby were both under a lot of stress when we took you back, and the stress caused a lot of issues.." And I didn't even need to hear her speak to know what she was going to say. "It's a little boy." she handed me a few pieces of paper work. "1lb, 12oz, 15.5 inches. He was born at 9:32 and he passed away at 9:44. Logan, I'm so sorry. We tried everything we could." She tired to console me but I just felt like an empty shell of a person, a dark hole. "If you'd like you can hold him, and name him." I nodded. I wanted to see him and name him. It was only right. "We'll bring him in to you in a few minutes and then we're gonna get you to a maternity room. Your mother-in-law is still here waiting, once we get you moved we'll send her back to see you." Against my better judgement I just nodded. I didn't have any words left in me.
I was so upset I couldn't even cry. This wasn't something I never thought I'd have to go through, not ever.
I waited in that bed, numb. I was cold and sad and broken. I lost my baby boy, my sweet son. The sweet little boy I had wanted for so long. I sat there, letting my dark thoughts consume me. This was all my fault.
No.
This was Jaxs fault, all of this. Maybe this was my life turning point where I could realize that I was so stupid, so naive. I was so stupidly in love with Jaxon and let all these terrible shit things happen, just going with the flow. This was all bullshit.
"Mrs. Teller?" I looked over to a nurse who was carrying a small blue blanket. My tears finally came out, a few flowing down my cheek. She walked closer to me, handing over the small blanket with my son, my little boy who wasn't here anymore. "I'll give you a few minutes." I nodded and she left.
I looked down in the blanket at this little person. God, he was so little. His skin was a purple/red color, and almost completely transparent. He was so lifeless, so... Dead. He was dead. I lost it, clutching his tiny body close to mine as I cried like a child, snot and tears coming out hard and fast. I wanted him here with me, and it wasn't fair. I couldn't save him, I could't help him. There was nothing I could do.. I had lost something that I loved more than anything in the world.
The nurse let me sit with him for about 15 minutes before she came back and asked if I wanted more time. I told her I didn't. I filled out papers to have him cremated; a funeral was just going to be too much. I couldn't handle it, and I didn't think Abel or Nova should have to deal with that. I would have him cremated and could keep his ashs always.
Since I had a c-section I had to stay for a few days to make just everything was okay, especially since I had lost so much blood. Gemma came back to see me a little while after they had taken my son back, and she didn't say anything. Just same over and sat next to me in the bed, holding me and letting me cry.
It was almost 20 minutes until she said something.
"I've never hated my son, but I do now. I know this pain, I know what it's like to a lose a son, Logan. This is the worst pain you will ever feel, and it's so hard right now. I'm sorry," she started to cry, too. "I'm sorry I let my son become this evil monster, and let this fucking club destroy my family. I'm so sorry, beautiful girl."
I didn't know what to say, so I just hugged her tighter, the best I could. I was so sore from the staples in my stomach. We laid there all night, crying and her holding me tight, assuring me it would be alright. Everything would work out.
We both tried to get ahold of Jax, but everyones phones were off or they weren't answering; of course. I didn't care. I was done this time, beyond done. I couldn't and wouldn't do this anymore. We were getting a divorce, and I was leaving. Fuck him, his club, this town; fuck all of it.
I. Was. Done.
It was around 9am. I didn't eat breakfast, I had no appetite. Gemma left to go home and see if you could find out why the fuck no one would get ahold of us.
And just like always, my perfect fucking husband and his great timing, strolled into my room a short 20 minutes after his mother had left. I had no words for him. He came in and closed the door.
"I'm so sorry, Logan. We were out on a trade and then got back around 6. Clay woke me u as soon as his phone turned was on. I can't believe I missed the birth of our child.. Logan I'm so fucking sorry. For everything. Are you okay? How's the baby?"
I wasn't even listening to half the shit spewing from his mouth, I didn't give a fuck about anything he had to say to me; piece of shit.
"Thomas Nathaniel Teller."
"What?" he didn't seem to understand. I finally turned over to look at him trying to keep my tears at bay.
"Thomas. Nathaniel. Teller. 1lb 12oz, 15.5 inches long." And I started crying a bit, letting a few tears roll out slow.
"A son?" he looked so happy. "He's so little. Is he okay, Logan?"
I bit my bottom trembling lip. "He's dead, Jax."
And I watched my husbands world fall apart right in front of me. I had never seen him so emotional. His face and ears were bright red, and he started breathing heavy. I watched him stand out and walk a few laps around the room until he drove his fist into one of the concrete walls a few times. He grunted at himself, kicking a chair and then a stand, punching the wall again. He was losing it.
"Stop it." I told him. He kept going kicking and punching, his knuckles starting to bleed. "Jaxon, stop it!" I screamed at him. He turned around, tears flying from his eyes. "Come here." I told him. He calmed down and walked over to me, reaching for my hand. I gave him a half smile.
And then I handed him my wedding and engagment ring, still smiling.
"I want a divorce. You're fucking dead to me, you piece of shit." I was calm as could be telling him all this. "You can see the kids, they'll be allowed to stay with your mom. But us? We're fucking done. I'm fucking done with you. Get out."
And he just stood there.
"Jaxon, get the fuck OUT OF MY ROOM!" I started screaming at the top of my lungs and a nurse came running, a little taken back by what was happening. Jax just cried leaving the room. He walked out of that room, just like I was making him walk out of my life.
And I think you're mostly caught up. I'll fill you in a little bit more in my next post or two, but you'll be getting current posts soon.
God.. I missed my little boy. I missed him so fucking much.
And I wanted to change that very much but I couldn't. I couldn't change that my son died, but I also couldn't change the hate I held for Jaxon in my heart. TIme has passed and I've learned to let go, but.. It was still his fault. If he wouldn't have fucked that slut.. I wouldn't have lost Thomas.
But it was in the past, and that's where it was staying. Time went forward, not backward.
Time to skip forward three years; current time, the fun shit.
Ha.
Next time I'll keep you ALL caught up. Completely caught up.
Signing off,
Logan Henderson-Teller
A/N- Hey guys, I'm not usually one to do this but I would really appreciate some reviews. If you liked it, hated it, anything. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! It helps motivate me and keep me going. I really wanna get this story wrapped up not too long from now so I can start on the second part. I've chosen the winner of the character submit and they have been notified. While your character won't be part of this story, it will be part of the sequal! Again thank you guys so so much. Reviews! Love you all!