VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com

Logan Henderson

BlogPost 016

Tomorrow

Where did we leave off?

Oh, that's right. My ex-husband and I getting along again.

Right.

My work week went by rather fast, it was a test week. Friday drug though. I stared at that clock for what felt like years even though it was only the last ten minutes of my day. As soon as the bell rang and my students left, I followed behind, rushing down to my car. I hurried up to the elementary school and got the kids out early. I promised them they could stay at Grammas tonight for the cookout tomorrow.

I hurried and got home, got the kids a snack, changed my clothes, and packed their bags for the weekend.

"Can we go noooooowwwwww!?" Nova questioned me, impatient as always. I rolled my eyes, grabbing my purse.

"Yes, Nova Rae my princess. Let's go!" And the tiny Satans were out the door and getting in the car.

I got them to Gemmas and dropped them off, taking no time to get out of there. They wanted me gone and were excited to spend time with Gramma, cause her house was the very best. I left there, heading to Silvers Pub to sit down and have a few drinks, figuring out what I wanted to do with my night; it was only 5.

I fiddled around with my phone for a while, tossing back a few whiskey sours and smoking a couple cigarettes. I decided to just head home for a while and smoke, try to find something I could do.

I sat around and basically twirled my thumbs around, smoking bong after bong. No one I got ahold of got back to me, so I texted the last person I knew I could get ahold of; Jaxon.

He called me about a minute after I had sent my text.

"Hey, what's up?" Just finished up with work, running home to shower. Everything okay? "Yeah, no! Everythings fine. I, uh, I was just bored; the kids wanted to go stay at your moms tonight. Seeeing what you were up to." I heard him chuckle. I'm not doing anything. Wanna do something? "Uh, yeah. Just come over after you're done with showering and stuff." Alright, sounds good. See ya soon.

It was against my better judgment, but we had so many memories, so much past. Jax had been part of my life for 14 years, that's a long time. He was the father of my children, the person I married and loved more than anything in the world at one point. He was my.. One. It was hard to let that go. We had a good time the other night, I didn't see why we couldn't make this work as friends, it would be good for the kids to see us around each other and getting along.

Jax was knocking at my door within the hour, and I answered, maybe a little to excitedly.

"Hey!" he greeted, walking through the door. God, no matter how many times I smelled it I still loved his cologne more than anything in the world; so good. "Smells dank in here." he chuckled out. He pulled a joint out of his cigarette pack, lighting it up. He snapped his zippo shut and the sound sent a shiver up my spine.

I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch, him taking a seat next to me. He passed me the joint and I hit it, showing off my blowing smoke rings inside of each other, and then sucking them back up.

"Always a show off." he commented. I play punched his shoulder and then handed it back to him. "So," he hit it. "What did you have in mind for tonight?"

"I don't know. I thought maybe we could get a few drinks or something. Smoke. I don't know, I'm boring."

And like always, when I bashed myself he would turn it around and make sure I didn't think that low about myself.

"You are not boring. You're one of the most interesting, exciting and badass women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing." I just rolled my eyes at him. "But I think that's a good idea. A few drinks and some smoke, always a typical night for us it seems." I could feel my cheeks turning red at his comments, but I ignored them and my own blushing. I stood up, walking over and grabbing my purse.

"Well, then let's get going. Where do you wanna drink?"

"We can decide in the car."

I wanted to take my own vehicle, but he talked me out of it. On the drive into town we decided that the club house was cost efficient for both of us, and safer for him. That last thing we needed was trouble.

It was busy, all of the Harleys parked out in front and a few random cars. We got out and headed inside, everyone greeting Jax, but surprised to see me coming in behind him.

"Well just what do we have here?!" LIke always, Chibs and Bobby came over to bust my balls. "Lookie lookie what the Jacky drug in!" Chibs wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close to give me a noogie. I pushed him off, laughing, but pissed.

"Ya know what, one day you're gonna get yours, old man." I told him, making my way over to the bar. They waved their hands at me and grunted, thinking I was joking.

I took a seat next to Jax who already had a drink ordered for me. We both lit cigarettes and took a few swigs of our drinks before we started conversating. I struck it up when I saw his hands.

"Your knuckles are busted." I commented. He looked down at his hand, spreading it wide. "Had some work today then, huh?" He chuckled and sipped his drink.

"I have work everyday. Just dealing with some usual stuff, ya know." And I did, I didn't need the details.

We sat and talked about nothing, really. Just little stuff, nothing too crazy. But man I was getting a buzz. These drinks were going down like water, and by the way the night was going I was getting drunk as hell.

Update; I did.

I could barely walk a straight line when we left the club house to head back to my place. We joked and sang to the radio and laughed the entire way back, chain smoking cigarettes. I fumbled to unlock my door but finally got it, hurrying in and slamming it behind us. I skipped back to my bedroom, grabbing my bong and my weed. I kicked my shoes off back there and walked back out, finding Jax rolling a joint at my table.

"Great minds," I hiccuped. "Think alike." And he laughed. I sat down at the table across from him and packed the bong up, hitting it and then passing it.

He looked at me, just staring.

"What?" I questioned, hitting the bong again. I sat it on the table, coughing a little bit as I exhaled all the smoke.

He paused for a second, turning one of his SONS rings around on his finger.

"Do you love me?"

I froze.

...What?

What kind of question was that?

"Jax, I don't think-"

"It's a yes or no question, Logan."

I thought for a second. And then, for the first time in a long time, I let myself tell the truth.

"I'm not sure it's a yes or no answer. It's not that simple Jax."

He sighed, leaning back in the chair. HIs eyes and face were upset, I could tell he was upset.

I let my emotions get the best of me, I couldn't help it.

"Do you think this has been easy for me?" His eyes met mine and I pierced him with every emotion I could. "Any of this?! It hasn't been easy, Jaxon. It hasn't." I told him seriously.

And I let everything that had been building up inside of me the last 5 years out in raw honesty for once in my life.

"Do you think the drug deals, the guns runs, the murders, have been easy? Do you think me losing my best friend to the club my soul mate is part of was easy? Do you think me being addicted to drugs was easy? Do you think me watching you cheat was easy? You getting arrested? The sleepless nights that I was by myself? The rape? Losing our fucking son?!" I was hurting him, and I felt bad because that was not my intention. "All the nights that Abel asks if you can come over and stay, or if you can come for dinner? When Nova wants you to read her a story? When she has a tummy ache and mommy isn't good enough? When the only person who can cure Jade's irrational fear of most everything, is you, who isn't here?" I was crying a little bit, but stopped that quick.

He just sat there, taken back for a second. He smoked on the joint and then handed it to me. He leaned over the table, clasping his hands together.

"Logan, I'm sorry that you being with me has turned your life into.. Into chaos. I'm sorry that this place is such poison for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't be husband or father of the fucking year. I'm sorry I've been such a piece of shit since you've come back to this shithole. I'm sorry that-"

"Stop." I cut him off. "You've never been perfect, Jax. But I've never been perfect, either. Don't blame yourself for everything that happened, because it all honestly wasn't your fault. Things just happen, life just happens. Shit fucking happens." And I made sure he knew that, because I couldn't blame him for everything like this, things just happen that are out of our control.

I stood up, walking into my living room, pacing for a second. My head was fuzzy, too fuzzy.

"Yes."

"Yes what?" He looked at me like I was stupid.

"I do love you. But this..Is too much. It's all too fucking much. We have been poison for each other since the first day of this."

He got up and walked over to me getting close. He looked at me deep and then grabbed my face soft with his big hands.

"No." he paused for a second, looking away and then locking eyes with me again. "Only one of us is the poison, that's me. You?" he smiled at me, his eyes lighting up like a bright blue fire. "You're the antidote, the cure." And I melted into a puddle. I stood on my tip toes and brought our faces closer together. It was still, our noses pressing against one another, just staring into his eyes and him into mine. And then, he made the inch move to change everything. Our lips crashed together and it was over.

I was making a mistake.

No I wasn't.

Yes I was.

No I fucking wasn't.

Not at all.

Yes I was.

Damn it.

Jax carried me back to my bedroom and laid me down, climbing on top of me and never breaking our kiss. God, I wanted him.

We kissed and undress each other, piece of piece, until we were both left in our underwear.

"Can I have you?" He asked between placing kissed on my neck.

I moaned. "God, yes. Take me, have me. Fuck me." I was talking like some dirty sex beast that even I didn't know. Jax bit his lip and then rolled me over, slapping my ass once he did. I backed up, perking my ass in the air for him. He slapped it again.

I felt his cock press against my small wet entrance from the back and it made me whimper a bit. I hadn't had sex in over a year. This wasn't going to feel great at first, but after a while.. Oh, God yes it was.

"Fuck me." I begged him. His response was to smash my face into the pillow and pull my hair, making me moan louder. He leaned down close to my ear, lining his cock up with my hole.

"Do you want me to fuck you?" he whispered in my ear. I bit my lip so hard.

"Yes." I told him. "Yesss." I begged. "Jaxon, please fuck me."

And he did.

I caught my breath when he drove into me, wincing with pain. He noticed cause he took it easy after that for a little while, until my moans and rhythm matched and caught up with his. Soon the entire bed was shaking, my hips were grinding, my hair was tangled through his fingers held by a strong fist.

He fucked me hard and fast, until I had motion sickness. I came and then finally he pulled out and came all over my back, hot liquid hitting my skin. After he tossed me a towel and we both cleaned off we crawled into my bed, butt naked.

"We shouldn't do this." I told him. He grabbed my hand and interlocked our fingers, slipping his over arm under me and pulling me close to him.

"But I need to do this. I need you." he got emotional for a second, which wasn't something he did very often. "I need you and the kids really bad right now, Logan. There's nothing good in my life but the four of you."

I didn't even know what to say, so I didn't spend much time thinking about it all.

"Alright. For now.. You can keep it."

And we fell asleep.

Was I stupid? Probably.

Did he deserve another fucking chance? No.

Was I giving it to him? It sure seemed like it.

I don't know. I have too much hope.

Fuck me, man.

Next time,

Logan.