A/N- Just wanted to say thank you guys for all the reviews, especially the ones with criticism. However, I have a few replies that I have to post here since I can't reply to a guest!

Logan is smoking the joint because, I'm not sure if you know this or not, in California you can get your medical license while pregnant and smoke. There are a lot of studies about marijuana and pregnancy. I smoked during my pregnancy with my daughter and she's absolutely perfect, actually ahead for her age right now.

I've been made aware Jaxon is spelled JaCKSon, I just don't like going back and forth between the X being used in a nickname, I've just kept it.

You start introducing solid food to children around 1, such as a grilled cheese cut into small pieces.

Thank you guys so much again! I appreciate it all, love you guys so much.

Enjoy!

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com

Logan Henderson

BlogPost 017

Three Steps Forward

I don't even know anymore, so just don't ask, okay?

Jax and I woke up the next morning around 9, completely naked and entagled in each other. I tried to get out of bed but he wouldn't let me, pulling me closer and cuddling me.

"I loved sleeping next to you." he kissed my cheek and I smiled.

"I did too." And I did, I really did. There was something about him; sex with him, kissing him, sleeping next to him, wrapping up in him. God, he was my kryptonite.

He finally let me sit up and stretch as he did the same. I made it out of bed and into my bathroom to brush my teeth and take a morning pee. I headed back out into my bedroom and slipped on a pair of shorts and a baggy t-shirt. I put my glasses on, finally able to see everything. Jax was standing, nothing on but his boxers. I walked over to him, hugging him, tracing my fingers over his back.

"You're beautiful in the morning." he smirked at me. I pushed him away, smiling and blushing like crazy.

"Stop it!" I demanded. I grabbed my cigarettes off my end table, offering them up to me. He nodded and followed me to the back porch, in still nothing but his boxers; I wasn't complaining, I was going to enjoy the view.

We lit our cigarettes as we enjoyed the morning sun on our faces. I sat down in my usual spot, propping my feet off. I looked over to Jax who... Who was whipping his dick out to piss.

"Really?" I was a bit annoyed, but he was a boy, and, let's face it; boys were dumb as fuck.

He smirked at me and shrugged. He gaze turned from me to past me, meeting the eyes of my 43-year-old single neighbor, Eileen.

"Morning, E!" Jax greeted her. I watched her face turn red, she waved, and then turned away. God, he was such a fucking child.

I loved it.

"You ever gonna grow up?" I joked to him.

He laughed, talking over to take a seat next to me in the matching chair.

"Why would I ever wanna grow up? It's a trap." he joked to me.

We finished our cigarettes and headed back inside to a smoke a few bongs and take a shower together. Jax hadn't brought clothes with him so he wore what he had from last night over to his house to change. It was in the lower 80s today, beautiful out.

I wore a pair of white shorts and a simple dark green tank top. I was gonna end up helping Gemma in the kitchen for the cook out so I needed to stay cool. Jax was quick getting dressed, jogging back out to the car and hopping in. We headed over to his moms, arriving a few hours earlier to help out.

"Hello!" Gemma chirped from the kitchen when she heard the door open. I could smell her cooking up a storm. She was cutting up potatoes for her famous potato salad when we walked in. She nearly cut her hand open when she saw us together. "Well hell has frozen over once again." she stopped what she was doing just to cross her arms and stare us down.

God damn it.

We both ignored her and just moved on with our days.

"Where are the kids, Ma?" Jax asked looking all through the house.

"They're out back," Gemma poppoed a chunk of cut-up bell pepper into her mouth. "Clays out there with them cleaning the pool and filling up water balloons."

I got into her fridge and grabbed out a cold Budlight. Jax exited out on the back porch and out into the yard where the kids were. I watched all three of our children run over and tackle him on the ground with lots of love and giggles. I smiled and then turned back to Gemma. She was checking something on the stove.

"How's it going?" I asked taking a seat at her kitche island. She turned around from the stove, her eyes big and face questioning.

"How's it going for me? Ha. How's it going for you sweet cheeks?"

I sighed. "Come on, Gem, don't do-"

"No," she stopped me, walking over and sitting down next to me. "You don't do this, Logan. These kids have watched the two of you be on and off, mainly off for a long time now. It's back and forth, happy, sad, angry, relaxed. You have to decide what the fuck it is," she motioned back and forth between me and Jax out in the yard. "Between you two that's going on."

I bit my lip, pondering for a second. "I.. I don't know what the fuck is going on, okay? We've been getting along.."

"And fucking." she hopped off the chair with a smile on her face, walking over to grab a few cooled down ingredients she stuck in the fridge.

Before we could continue talking, three little monsters with the last name Teller came running on to the door, pounding on it, all talking at once.

I opened it and hunckered down in front of them.

"What's going on, guys?"

"Ugh!" Nova gave a dramatic face wave. "It's, it's just so hot, Mommy. My frickin' curls are sweating off! Pappy said, pappy, pappy said that we can swim now cause it's V8 balanced." I chuckled at her mess up and so did Gemma; so fucking cute.

"And we want a popsicle." Abel told me.

"YEAH!" Jade cheered, grabbing onto her big brothers hand.

"Alright," I ushered them into house and back to the bathroom where I got them in their bathing suits. I got them their popsicles out of the freezer and and saw them all out on the porch to eat them while they waited for Jax to get the floaties out of the garage. The pool was only 5ft, and Abel and Nova could both swim, Abel very well. I just wanted arm floats on Nova, but Jade needed arm floats and a circle floater. I wasn't taking any chances.

"Daddy, hurry!" Jade yelled as she threw her empty popcicle wrapped at me. After that it was a race to finish, Abel and Nova finishing shortly after her. In minutes they were all hopping into the pool, screaming and laughing and playing around.

"Jax, watch them. I'm gonna run in and grab some stuff to bring out, okay?" He shook his head at me and waved me to the kitchen; I probably didn't have to tell him to watch his own children but hey, men were stupid.

Gemma was smoking a joint, setting bowls out for me to take to the outside tables Clay set up. She handed me the joint and I puffed on it, heading out carrying tree different bowls. Two of them had chips and the third one had watermelon. Gemma went all out for this kind of thing.

I came back into the house, handing her the joint back.

"Can you take all this meat out there and get the grill lit?" I nodded, accepting the joint once again from her. I walked outside wth the packs of burgers and sausages in my hands, setting them on a cooler next to the grill. I used the lighter to get it started up, a flame instantly shooting out. I adjusted it, getting the temperature where it needed to be, then shutting the lid so it could heat up.

I walked over to the edge of the pool where Jax was talking to the kids as they played and splashed.

"They're having so much fun." I commented on them. Abel and Nova were taking turns seeing who could hold their breath the longest and Jade was just figuring out how to stop swimming around in a constant circle.

"I'm broken." she told me, admitting defeat to the swim-circle. I laughed at her, and Jax busted up too.

"You aren't broken. Try just kicking your legs or just using your arms. I bet you won't swim in a circle." Jax told her. She took his advice and was off, moving all around in the pool. My little girl wasn't so little anymore; none of them were. They were growing into smart, polite little people of their own and I loved seeing them develope each and every day.

2:30 sharp and everyone was arriving, friends and family, kids, teens and adults. Most of the kids headed straight for the pool jumping in right away. A few of the teenagers just went and hung out in the garage; typical. Opie and Amanda found their way ove to us, Toby and Raven running right past and hurrying to the pool.

"Hold it!" Amanda demanded, stopping them before they got their clothes off to their suits underneath. "Toby, go ahead. Raven, we need to get your floaties on." Raven stomped her feet back over to Amanda who took her over to the garage and got arm floats on her. In a few minutes she was in the pool with all the others little monsters having a great time.

"Well if this ain't a sight for sore eyes." Opie motioned his beer to Jax and I standing together, close together. Amanda came back over to us, reaching her arm around Opie, hugging him from the side. "Been what, three years since ya'll have stood this close?" They both both chuckled and Jax and I both rolled our eyes. What was so wrong with us getting along with each other?

"We aren't saying it's a bad thing. I think it's a good thing. You guys are the cutest ever."Amanda was a typical blonde bombshell simpleton, but she was so sweet. She was nice as could be and had a heart bigger than anything, caring for anyone and anything that needed help or cared for.

Wasn't trying to brag, but Jax and I were cute. We were hot. We were a damn good couple as far as looks went. Personality? Well, they do say opposites attratch; that was the truth, for sure.

Food was done and coming off the grill around 3. All of us parents went over and ushered our kids out of the pool for the time being, getting towels wrapped around them and them seated at the kids table with their food and drink. After they were taken care of we got our food and headed to the table. Clay sat at the head, Jax to his right, Gemma to his left. I sat next to Jax, Chibbs on my right and Tig right across from, Opie and Amanda next to him.

"Hey guys," Clay held his beer up in the air as he stood, ready to make a toast. "I just wanna say thank you to everyone here; our family. Without all of you working with us as a team, we could never make any of this possible. As a family we've been through really great things together, and some serious shit storms, but we've always stuck together and made it through to the other side. Just thank you, thank all of you. This is to everyone, I love ya guys." We all raised our drinks and toasted, going make to eating and conversating amoungst ourselves.

A good bit of people left, but a few close members stayed; myself and Jax, Opie, Amanda took the kids home with her, Chibbs and Juice. Clay had built a fire and everyone was out by it. It was a little after 9 and I got all three kids to sleep back in Gemmas house. They were so exhausted from their fun day it wasn't even a task.

I slipped on one my Jaxs hoodies he had there and headed back outside, a fresh beer in my left hand and a blunt in my right. I took a seat on Jaxs lap, and everyone had to look.

"Alright," Juice leaned forward and took the last drink of his beer, tossing he bottle into the fire. "What the fuck is going on with you two? I'm lost. Anyone else?" And I'm sure they did, but they kept their mouths shut. Chibs slapped the back of his head shutting him up.

"Watch it." the scottsmen told him. Juice shrugged and got up to go get another beer.

We sat out all night, watching people drop off like flies, one-by-one. After Clay went to bed it was just the two of us sitting out by the fire, the sound of the radio in the background over the crackling of wood burning.

I was still sitting on him, his arms wrapped around me, pulled close to his chest.

"You know how you mentioned my knuckles yesterday?"

I nodded, looking up at him.

"I killed someone yesterday, Logan." He looked sad, his eyes drifting off to stare at the fire. "I.. I want you, I want this. But I want to be honest with you, completely. I don't want you jumping into this thinking things are easier or better or any of that."

My reply wasn't the best. "We aren't jumping into anything. We're taking this day by day." If he could make it a solid month without pissing me off or fucking something up.. We could talk business, maybe.

"I know." He shot back at me. "I'm just saying. I'm laying this all out on the table for you; so you can know everything. No more secrets, no more lies, no more hiding things. Just the truth." He sat up, scooting me off of him so we could really be face to face. "I want to try, Logan. I think our kids, and ourselves, deserve that much."

I never was good at telling him no.

"Yeah?"

"Listen," He took a breath and grabbed my hands. "When you came home it was like some kind of sign to me, like my past was coming around, giving me another shot to do this different, better.. And I couldn't. I wasn't different, I wasn't better. But I fucking love you. I've loved you since I was 17, Logan." He always had a way to envoke emotion in me. He was being bleeding heart open honest with me and I should do the same.

"All I could see for the longest time, still to this day.. All I see are the lies and the violence, how it's all changed you.." My tone was sad, triyng to hold back tears.

"I'm trying to put it back together, Logan." He looked at the ground, lip quivering. "And I don't know if I can."

I ran my thumb over his jaw line. "I know. Cause I don't know if I can either." I felt a hot tear run down my cheek, just one.

"You're part of what I am, Logan. You always have been." He held my face in his owns now. "I'm sorry that being with me put you here." And he was sorry. I saw it in his eyes.

"I know this is who you are, Jax. And I've realized I can't change that anymore; I'm not going to try and change that."

I watched him shake his head. "No. I've finally realized that you came into my life to get me out of this life, over 10 years ago and still to this day. You're here to make things right, to fix them."

He made me sound like the goddamn Messiah, but that was how he looked at me too.

And neither of us had words.

So we kissed. It was sweet and tender and soft and real. So much passion. I climbed back up on his lap and we just kissed and touched, no sex or fooling around. She spend the night under the starts and moon in each others arms.

The power he had over me.. God.

So maybe he wasn't all that bad.

I don't know. I feel like I'm fucking up as far as my head goes, but as far as everything else goes.. The kids have been happier, I've been happier, he's been happier.. Everyone has been happier.

Day by day.

Next time!

Logan