A/N: Time to revisit Neil and Addie..sorry for the delay! Thanks to all who continue to read and review.
Chapter 17:
"Are you quite sure I can go home?" Adelaide asked Edward, her voice smooth, but her look was contemplative, almost teetering on anxious.
Edward quickly glanced at Neil before nodding at Adelaide, "You have recovered enough to resume your normal activities, Adelaide. And as your doctor and as your friend, I think the sooner you return to some normalcy, the better. This in between state is fueling your anxiety."
She swallowed hard, but didn't argue with his assessment, which was quite on point.
"Are there any precautions we should take with her?" Neil asked.
"I would wait a few months before trying to conceive again," Edward answered. "And she shouldn't try to overdo it. I know life is more physically taxing in the Cove, but if you could ease some of those stresses, I think that would be wise."
"I agree," Neil nodded.
"I'm not helpless," Adelaide protested.
"Of course you aren't," Edward smiled at her, "but taking it easy for a few more weeks won't hurt anybody."
"Then maybe we should stay here if that is the case. Or at least I should," Adelaide said, looking at her hands, knowing Neil was watching her and she was unable to return his look. "Life is physically more taxing in the Cove, Ed. There is no way around it."
"I think it is fine for you to return to the Cove," Edward said, "Just don't overdo it, okay?"
"I'm really not sure how that is possible," Adelaide said.
"I'll help, Adelaide," Neil interjected.
"You are off doctoring so much, Neil," Adelaide pointed out, "I know you are willing to help, but if you are able, is an entirely different case."
"Adelaide," Neil grunted, "please don't make this difficult. I have never shirked my responsibility to you." There was an edge to his tone, which case Adelaide to get her dander up.
He had...when he pushed her and Simon out the door during the epidemic and then didn't call for weeks.
She opened her mouth to make a scathing retort, but Edward cleared his throat, reminding her that he was still in the room and it would be entirely improper to do so.
"You can take it easy, Adelaide. I'm sure you and Neil will figure out a way."
"Yes, Doctor," Adelaide smoothed a wrinkled out of the skirt of her dress as Edward rose.
"When are you leaving?" Edward asked.
"As soon as possible," Neil answered as Adelaide's color retreated at that announcement. "I'll buy the train tickets for tomorrow morning."
"That soon?" Adelaide asked, continuing to smooth down her skirt.
"Aye," Neil said, "Ed is right. We need to return to some sort of normalcy…for all of us."
"I'll say my goodbyes now then," Edward reached over to shake Neil's hand and Adelaide stood.
"Edward, I'll walk you out," she said, without looking at Neil.
"Sure, Addie," Edward said, quietly. "Goodbye, Neil."
"Edward." Neil nodded at him and then turned to look at Adelaide quizzically, but she was focused on trying her best not to look at him.
Edward stepped aside for Adelaide to lead the way and they stepped out of the door and onto the porch together.
"I can't thank you for all who have done for me these past few weeks, Ed," Adelaide said, "you have been the best friend I could ask for."
"Adelaide," Edward reached out to squeeze her hand, "it's been my pleasure. Please take care of yourself."
"I…" Adelaide's voice broke, "I'll try."
"You don't have to return," Edward said, his voice low, "if that is how you truly feel. But if you are scared, then you need to face it."
"I love him, Ed," Adelaide said, tears brimming over, "I have to try for him. But I am scared."
He squeezed her hand again, "I know. I'll write."
"I'll write you back," she leaned over to kiss his cheek, "Take care of yourself."
"You too. Goodbye, Adelaide."
"Goodbye, Edward."
She returned inside to find Neil sitting finishing his tea in the sitting room. She sat down on the sofa next to him, picking up her own tea cup.
"Adelaide," Neil took a breath, "I thought you wanted to return to the Cove."
"I do. Deep down, I do, Neil," Adelaide sat back down her tea cup.
"But…" he prompted.
"I didn't think it would be this hard…the thought of returning. I hoped for it while I was away. I wanted you to come and take me back."
Neil sat aside his tea cup, "I have to get back to my practice. I have been gone far too long."
"I know," Adelaide said, staring at the tea swirling in the cup. "Things are so tense between us, Neil. I just don't know how this is going to work."
Neil let out a breath, "It is going to work because we are determined to make it work, lass."
"It's not that I don't love you, I do," Adelaide said, brokenly. "my heart just feels shattered. Losing the baby…it's been harder than I thought it would be."
"I know," Neil reached over to squeeze her knee, comfortingly, "for me as well."
"So tomorrow, we return," Adelaide took a breath.
"Tomorrow," Neil rose, "I'll go purchase those tickets now. I'll tell your mother as well. I'm sure she is wanting to return to her own home."
"I think she will miss us," Adelaide said.
"I don't doubt that. But again, it is time for us to return to our own life."
And when he left, Adelaide buried her head in her hands and cried. Julia found her after a few minutes. She put Simon on a blanket on her floor and then went to sit beside her daughter. She wrapped her arm around her and let her cry on her shoulder.
"Doctor MacNeill loves you, Adelaide," Julia murmured. "This is a good thing that you are going home."
"I never thought I would hear you say that," Adelaide said, "you were so opposed to all of this to begin with."
"I know, but I saw how devastated you were when you thought your marriage was over. And as much as I want to have you and Christy stay home with your father and I forever, you two are adults now and you need to find your own way," Julia said, gently. "You can always come home for a visit in a few months. Maybe the holidays? Wouldn't that be fun?"
"It would," Adelaide sniffled as she pulled away, "I love you, Mama."
"I love you too, darling," Julia said, squeezing her against her tightly, "Everything is going to be just fine."
The train ride and the wagon ride home was long and exhausting. Simon was extra fussy and it took both her and Neil to try to soothe him. Neil helped her down from the wagon and then put his arm around her shoulders, encompassing her and the baby.
"Let's put the wee one in for a nap after lunch," Neil said, "And you can rest too then."
She nodded as she pulled away to walk into the cabin door, "It looks the same."
"Aye," Neil said, "Welcome home, lass."
"Will you take care of the baby while I make us something to eat?" she asked, trying to control her nerves. "What will we have to eat?"
"There should still be some staples here. We will figure something out," Neil said but as he did, there was a holler from the yard.
"That's Opal!" For the first time, Adelaide's face lit up as she handed the baby to Neil and stepped back outside. "Opal! What have you done?"
Opal was carrying a large pot of soup, "For ye and the Doc. Figured after being away for so long, ye wouldn't have anything to eat. Tom's hunting trip went well. Others pitched in with vegetables. Fairlight sent bread too."
"Thank you!" Adelaide took the pot from her and placed it on the stove, "It's still warm."
"We are obliged, Opal. Thank ye" Neil said, patting the baby's back, who started to fuss.
"We know how much Doc did for us durin the epidemic. We know we can't ever repay him properly, but this be a start," Opal said, with a nod, accepting their thanks.
"Opal," Adelaide looked over at her, as she pulled out a pile of bowls from the shelf, "Will you eat with us?"
"I couldn't possibly intrude on ye after ye just got back," Opal said.
"It would be no intrusion. I would love that more than anything," Adelaide responded, "Please?"
Opal glanced at the Doc, who nodded. "If ye would like. The young'uns are with Fairlight. I could spare some time."
"Perfect!" Adelaide smiled at her friend, "I want to hear about everything I missed. And I'm sure Doc does too."
Neil raised his eyebrows, but went to sit at the table with the lad as Adelaide began to serve the soup and place it in front of them.
They ate, Opal catching them up on the happenings in the Cove. When they had finished, Opal insisted that she should leave them alone.
Neil took Simon from Opal, who had held him most of the meal. "I'll put the babe in for his nap. And then Adelaide, I do think you should rest as well. You are looking peaked."
"Very well. May I walk Opal out though?" she asked, her voice shy.
"Of course, lass," Neil looked at her intently before turning to Opal, "Thank ye kindly, Opal, for the meal and the company."
"Ye are welcome, Doc," Opal said as Adelaide looped her arm around hers.
"I'll be back in a few minutes, Neil," Adelaide said.
"Take your time," Neil said, "The lad and I will be just fine."
She walked out with Opal and when they got a safe distance from the cabin, Opal asked her, "Do ye not want to be alone with the Doc?"
Adelaide turned to her friend, surprised, "Did you pick up on that?"
"I did, but I don't mean to pry."
"Neil and I haven't spent much time alone since I lost the baby. Mother was with us for the duration and well, Neil's cabin is so much smaller than my house in Asheville…and," Adelaide cringed at how this was sounding, but Opal finished for her,
"there are less places ye can get away?" she asked, knowingly.
"Exactly," Adelaide frowned, "You must think me horrible."
Opal shook her head, "I think it will take time for ye to get used to being with the Doc again. I'm sorry about your wee one, Miz Addie."
Tears formed in Adelaide's eyes, "Thank you."
Opal put her arm around her, "Why don't ye and the lad come for a visit tomorrow? We could go pick some herbs and can talk more then."
"I'd really like that. I missed you, Opal. I feel like I need to talk to you for the past few months. I feel horrible that I had to leave…I wanted to help so badly with the epidemic."
"We all know it was the Doc that send ye away. Don't ye fret one bit about that," Opal said, "but I'd like to talk with ye too. It seems that ye could use a friend."
"I feel so completely unsettled, Opal."
Opal patted her hand, "I felt the same way after my young'un died. But ye have to keep puttin one foot in front of ye other, Adelaide."
"I'm trying," She nodded, "I shouldn't keep you." she reached to give her hug, "Thank you again."
"You're welcome," Opal smiled at her, "I'll see ye tomorrow, Adelaide."
"I'm looking forward to it." With a farewell wave, Adelaide went back into the cabin to face Neil.
"The baby in bed, already?" Adelaide asked as she watched Neil, clearing the table from their open door.
"Aye," Neil nodded, "Diaper changed and everything."
"Thank you," Adelaide leaned against the doorframe, "where is he?"
"In the lab. I thought you would sleep better with the babe in the other room."
"But don't you have work to do?" Adelaide asked, her voice a bit shaky. "That is to say, don't you need your lab?"
Neil stiffened slightly, but moved to place the dishes in the dish basin, "We can do these later, lass."
"I just don't want," Adelaide crossed her arms, "you to feel like Simon is interfering with your work."
"We always agreed that the lad would sleep downstairs in the summertime and upstairs with us in the winter. We do need some privacy," Neil said.
"I know that," Adelaide frowned and Neil knew Adelaide was trying to use the baby as a buffer between them.
"Good, now that is settled, let's go upstairs together. We'll do this dishes later."
"You don't have to watch me, Neil," Adelaide said, quietly. "I promise to nap."
"I know," Neil looked up at her, his eyes searching, "But I can feel your stress ever since we arrived here. It would be too easy for us to give into that…and then the space I give you turns into more separation between us…a greater divide. I don't want that."
She leaned her head against the doorway, bumping against it, gently, "Opal thinks I don't want to be alone with you."
"I think Opal is right. I picked up on that as well," Neil grasped the side of the counter, briefly, trying to steady his emotions, before turning and walking over to her, "Why is that, lass?"
"I love you," she bit her lip, not looking at him.
"Good. I love you too," Neil said, reaching to trace a finger across her cheek bone, "You haven't answered my question."
"It's just for a first time…in a long time, I feel uncomfortable…being around you," she said, honestly. "In Asheville, the house was bigger and I was recovering. Mother was there for most of it as well. We weren't truly alone for much of the time. I feel like here…I can't escape."
"We have only been home for an hour, lass," Neil struggled to keep his tone even.
"I know," she whispered. "I just don't know how to act around you. I know our relationship has changed. I'm so anxious about everything…and unsure."
"You were like that when we were first married," Neil said, "you adjusted."
"But there wasn't strife between us. Even when things were difficult, when we were first married, it wasn't like this. There wasn't all this hurt…hurt between us. It's uncomfortable. This is your home and I feel like I'm intruding."
"Adelaide, that's just foolish."
She lowered her head.
"We just need to push through these uncomfortable moments, but I am glad you are here with me. You have nothing to be anxious about," he said. His finger nudged her chin up so she was looking at him. "this is your home. Our home."
She sniffled, trying to stay off the tears that were threatening. "I should go take that nap before Simon wakes up. I just don't want you to feel like you ought to come with me."
He nodded and she turned from him, but his arm shot out to grasp her hand, turning her back towards him.
"Adelaide, lass?" he squeezed her hand.
"Yes?"
"I don't feel obligated. I'm tired too."
"Yes," she shifted, "then you should rest too, of course. The train ride was exhausting. Simon was in a mood."
She tugged her hand away from his and walked away.
"He's not the only one," Neil muttered, under his breath. He ran his hand through his hair, trying to push down the frustration that was welling up. He let out a long breath, before following his wife upstairs.
After supper, Adelaide put Simon to bed and then found Neil outside on the porch, smoking his pipe.
"May I join you?" her voice was unsure, "It's such a beautiful night and…" her voice trailed off, "I don't have to if you'd like privacy."
Neil patted the rocker next to him, "Not at all, lass. Come sit with me."
"Thank you," she sat next to him in the rocker, planting both her hands on the sides and began to rock. The night air was filled with a pleasant breeze and the stars…she missed the stars at night in the Cove.
"I forgot how wonderfully peaceful nights in the Cove could be," Adelaide said, "these are the nights that speak to your soul."
"That's very poetic, Adelaide," Neil commented, "tell me, what is tonight saying to you?"
She looked out at the stars, studying them intently, "To rest. And to trust." her voice caught as she swept away with emotion.
"Whom do you need to trust?" Neil reached over to take her hand in his.
"God for one. And you. I need to trust you," she whispered, "I need both of you to lead me through this," she allowed her self to marvel at his touch, to feel comfort in the warmth of his hand in hers, connected them together once again.
"I don't know for sure that I know the way, wife," Neil admitted, "but I'll try if you'll let me."
She swallowed down the lump in her throat, "I'm sorry for my attitude earlier. I don't want to put more distance between us. That's the last thing I want, Neil. Please believe me."
"I do," Neil said, quietly, "but God help me, woman, I am trying to be patient."
"I know," Adelaide said, "And I know it is more than I deserve right now. I wish I could just turn off these feelings, but there have been with me, since losing the baby, and…" she sniffled, "I'll try harder."
He squeezed her hand, gently, but didn't say anything else. "You do know, you don't have to ask me if you can join me. Or thank me. You are my wife. I value your company…actually, I always have, even before we were married."
Her heart stirring at his words, she watched as he laid aside his pipe and then pulled her up and sat her back down on his lap. He wrapped his arms around her waist. "I missed these nights. You are the one who makes things peaceful for me, lass."
She sniffled, her heart feeling immensely full. She leaned back and kissed him. He deepened the kiss almost immediately, them growing more passionate.
She pulled away, looking at his eyes.
"I missed tasting your sweetness, lass," Neil leaned forward to whisper in her ear.
She looked at him again, plagued by what she knew he wanted…and worried about what she could give him in this moment. She reached up to carass his face, her hand rubbing over his stubble. He tenderly removed her hand, kissing it, before pushing her off his lap and taking her hand, he said, "Let's watch the stars from the creek bed."
She allowed him to lead her to the field by the creek to where they laid on their backs hand and hand, watching the stars…enjoying the quiet of the late summer night.
"Lift up your eyes on high" Adelaide murmured,contemplatively,"And see who has created these stars. The One who leads forth their host by number, He calls them all by name; Because of the greatness of His might and the strength of His power, Not one of them is missing."
Neil remained quiet.
Adelaide closed her eyes, trying to find His peace in her. He numbered the stars. He set everything in motion. And only God had the power to make her heart right again.
She opened her eyes, examining the vast array, "Should we count them?" she asked, lightly.
"That would be a futile effort, wife," Neil teased.
"It could keep us occupied," Adelaide responded.
"Other things could keep us occupied," Neil said, his voice deep. He put her hand to his lips, kissing it, his kiss intimate.
Adelaide's heart fluttered at his words and gesture, but she remained silent.
"Adelaide?" Neil prompted, quietly. He didn't have to say more. She knew that he wanted to reconnect with her in the way that always spoke volumes to each of them.
She sat up and he followed suit. She ran her hands through his curls as he kissed her again.
He pulled away and his eyes locked with hers in the moonlight. He began to unbutton her dress, sliding it down off her shoulders. Her heart hammering, she could feel him loosing the ties of her corset as he slid both that and her camisole down.
She held her breath.
"Breathe, sweetheart," Neil prompted and when she let her breath out, he began to kiss and touch her. His touch was tender, gentle, intimate. And he kept looking up at her to make sure she was alright with this. He was being sweet.
But instead of giving into it, she couldn't push down the guilt that was filling her with each sweet touch…with each tender kiss, the guilt hammered at her heart, shattering it.
She had betrayed his trust by lying to him. She hadn't told him about their baby and she lost their child. Memories and hurt engulfed her again.
Her throat felt dry as she tried to fight the tears, but the more he kissed her and explored her, she couldn't help but begin to cry.
Neil stopped immediately at the sounds of her tears.
He looked up at her again, pulling away slightly.
"What is it?" he asked, his hand moving to her shoulders.
"I…" she sniffled, "I…" she felt so guilty, so exposed, so vulnerable. Her lip quivered. She had hurt him so badly. There was so much hurt and yet while Neil was trying to push them through this, her heart was so torn.
"We don't have to make love," Neil said, thumbing away her tears.
"No, we can if you want to," she took a breath, trying to compose herself, but failing miserably, "I want to be a good wife to you."
"If you aren't ready, then that is fine," Neil looked at her, his expression steady.
The guilt increased. He was being so understanding.
"Since when has that been fine?" Adelaide began to sob, hanging her head.
"Oh, lass, don't cry." he chided. He let out his breath, trying to quell down his frustration. Adelaide's behavior and moods had been trying of late, on top of his residual anger from her lies to begin with, left him struggling to keep his frustration under control.
"We should just…" Adelaide looked up through her tears, "I can do this."
"No, we shouldn't," Neil said, shocked at how emotional she was, "Here." he pulled her against him and began to rock her gently against him. Whatever frustration he may have felt prior quickly dissipated when he saw how distraught she was. He was filled with an overwhelmingly strong desire to love and protect her in this moment…to put her needs in front of his own.
"I'm sorry," she cried, struggling.
"Is this about losing the baby?" Neil asked, trying to keep his tone gentle. "Are you worried about getting pregnant again?"
"No. Yes. I don't know," Adelaide responded, "It's that. And everything else," she told him.
"I can wait. We were separated for months. You tell me when you are ready. I won't push."
"I said I would try with you to heal our marriage and this is part of it."
"Aye, but," he held her against him, "the last thing I want to do is push you into something."
"It's just my heart has always been so tied up into this act," she said, clinging to him.
"I know," Neil said, "it's what makes intimacy with you so special, lass."
"I feel wretched," She admitted, "this is not me. I'm stronger than this. Help me, Neil. I'm drowning. All these thoughts. All these feelings. I'm trying to have peace."
"Your emotions are awry from losing the baby. It's to be expected that you need to heal emotionally as well. It's entirely normal, Adelaide."
"It doesn't feel normal," she said, quietly, "Please don't hate me."
"Ahh, lass, I could never hate you," Neil said adamantly. He pulled her away from him, studying her in the moonlight, "You are exhausted. Let's get you in bed."
"It's so early still," Adelaide said.
"Aye, but the lad will be up in the middle of the night. You should sleep when you can. Edward said to take it easy," Neil pointed out.
She leaned in against him, burying her head in his chest.
He lifted a hand to begin to stroke her hair, comforting her. He leaned over to kiss her head again before gently easing her up off the ground and then swinging her into his arms.
"I'm too heavy," she protested.
"Ye are light as a feather, lassie," Neil said, "Don't fight me now. Let me take care of you."
He carried her in their cabin and up the steps to their bedroom. He eased her onto the bed and went over to retrieve her nightgown from he dresser. He dressed her for bed and then helped her under the covers, pulling them up. He undressed himself and then climbed into bed with her, pulling her into his arms.
"Everything," Neil's voice was gentle, yet firm, "will be fine between us. With time, Adelaide. Give us time."
"Will time mean we just sweep everything under the rug?" she asked, quietly.
"No, we will have to work through this, Adelaide. But it will take honesty and open minds on both of our parts."
"I know," she closed her eyes, "don't give up."
"I won't," Neil said, his voice soothing, "you are my wife…I made vows to you and I love you…I'm not giving up."
"Thank you, Neil," she said, quietly.
"You're welcome, lass," he replied.
He continued to hold her until he felt her breathing regulate and her relax against him, her succumbing to sleep. He sighed and gently eased her out of his arm, kissing her head, before headed back downstairs.