A/N: I've been binge watching Outlander. A very graphic show, but aside from all the sex and gore, it is addicting. The scenery, the costumes...so good. And it inspired me to visit my favorite scottish doctor. ;) Hope you enjoy! Sorry for the delay!
Chapter 19:
Adelaide yelped as she heard the sound of another tree falling, this time too close for comfort. The wind was howling, the rain pouring buckets. Simon was, thankfully, blissful asleep, tucked safely in his crib in Neil's lab. But Neil was gone and she was worried that he was out in this storm. So worried that he would get hurt and so scared to be facing this alone. She said yet another prayer for her husband's safety. She could hardly entertain the prospect that something might happen to Neil. Her heart twisted yet again.
She jumped as glass shattered, the door swinging open, causing the lantern on the table to catch fire.
Her heart racing, she quickly reached for the blanket on the side of the couch and extinguished it, but not before doing damage to the table and burning part of her arm as she brushed aside the flames.
She hung her head, out of breath and trembling. The whole cabin could have caught fire. The door swung open again but this time it was Neil's towering presence in their doorway.
"Neil!" the relief was so evident in her voice.
It was all it took for Neil to open his arms and she launched herself into them, clinging to his drenched body.
"I'm getting ye all wet, lassie," Neil said, moving them inside and closing the door to prevent the sidewise rain soaking the cabin.
"I'm sorry about the window and the table," she cried. "I know you trust me to keep everything in order and everything is just a disaster."
"Think nothing of it. It could have happened just as easily if I had been home. I'm just thankful ye and the laddie are alright," Neil said, honestly. "The storm is fearsome."
"How on earth did you make it home?" she asked.
"One moment," He held up his hand, "I need to secure the windows. Do ye think that ye can heat me some water? I am soaked through."
"A bath?"
"If ye have enough water to spare."
She nodded and Neil's request helped focus her panic onto a task. She put the water to boil and dragged down the bath tub. She went back to check on the water.
The thunder boomed and she jumped again.
Neil stood in the doorway again, catching her move, "Ye really do hate these storms, don't ye?"
"I know you must think me a child." Adelaide said, her face flooding with heat.
"Anyone would be afraid of this one," Neil said, solemnly, shaking off the water in the doorway and then unbuttoning his coat. "I'm soaked, lassie."
"Let's dry your things by the fire. Do you want privacy?"
He raised an eyebrow. "Considering I risked my neck coming home to ye, privacy is the last thing I desire."
She blushed again and then bit her thumb and reached for his coat to place it by the fire as Neil pulled off his wet boots.
'You should have stayed put," Adelaide said, going back to the stove to begin pouring the water into the bath.
"Aye," Neil said, "But I knew how ye feel about these storms. I barely made it, but I knew I had to attempt it. The creek is flooding something awful."
She took his shirt from him and then his pants, placing them by the fire to dry.
"Add another log or two, lass," Neil advised. She did so. Neil stepped to her side and reached for another log, kindling it until it was roaring again. "There we are."
He looked over at her, "I better get in the bath before it become cold."
"I can make you a cup of tea," Adelaide said, her voice soft.
"Just keep the water on the stove warm," Neil instructed.
"Of course," She went to the stove, her back turned to him and she heard the sound of the water sploshing as Neil got into the bath.
She went into the lab, checking on Simon and reaching for two large towels for Neil.
The wind was still whipping, the thunder booming. Even so, Adelaide was calmer though with Neil in the cabin.
"I brought you towels," she said, placing them on the floor beside the tub, her eye catching Neil's exposed chest in the firelight.
She couldn't help but turn her head towards him for a better look before turning her head away in embarrassment.
Neil cleared his throat, "Ye didn't have to turn away."
She stiffened, but her head was still turned.
"I don't know how not to," Adelaide admitted, "at this point."
"We had made so much progress before everything blew up at us."
"Yes."
"Will you at least tell me what you want?"
She squared her shoulders and then turned her head, twisting her braid, anxiously between her hands. "I want to stare at you."
He bit back a grin. "Do ye now?"
"Yes."
"Is that it?"
"No," she coughed. "Not quite."
"Come and sit beside me then," Neil said, his voice firm.
She went to kneel beside him on the floor.
"My sweet Adelaide," Neil murmured as he reached over and flicked her cheek. "Don't be so shy. This reaction of yours is making my night."
She blushed again, so embarrassed at being caught totally enthralled by her husband's physique. But she did forget about how pleasing he was to her.
"Go ahead, woman," Neil said, his voice firm. "Have ye way with me."
Her eyes met his, widening slightly and then looked down.
She reached out a tentative hand and he guided her fingers and placed it on his chest.
She ran her hand along his chest and then moved to his shoulders and arms. Her hand reached up to run her hands along his curls, her breath catching.
Her lip trembled, "why would you risk your life for me?"
He reached for her hand, bring it down to squeeze it in his large hand and then raised it to his lips to kiss it. "I knew you needed me tonight. And I would risk hell and high water to be with you when you need me. Because you are my wife, but more importantly because I love you. And it breaks my heart to think of you in distress."
Another clap of thunder and Adelaide jumped again.
"I only needed you because I'm weak," her voice caught again, the tears beginning to fall.
"Nah," Neil kissed her hand again, "ye are the strongest woman I know. And I know some strong women, lassie."
"If anything happened to you because of me…"
"It was my choice to come home. I know it was a risk, but I would have taken shelter if I needed to. I wanted to be with you. My place is with you during times of trouble. Now hand me the towel."
Adelaide pushed herself off the ground and reached for his towel. He stood and wrapped the towel around his waist, stepping out of the tub.
"I can get you some clothes."
"Just a blanket. I'm warmer now and I reckon we'll be headed to bed soon."
She nodded again and went to retrieve another blanket.
She returned and he was by the fire again, stoking it. And again, she was mesmorized by his body.
She cleared her throat.
"I bet if I turn around my wife will have a red face, am I right, lassie?"
"Don't tease me," Adelaide admonished. "I know it has been months of marriage."
"On the contrary," Neil turned his head, "I love it that ye desire me still."
"I do desire you," Adelaide said, "And that makes me feel guilty."
Neil stood then and beckoned her to his side.
She moved to his side and he wrapped an arm around her waist, "Tell me why."
"I am so wholly undeserving of you," she swallowed.
"Is this why you are keeping me at arms length in our bed?" Neil asked, his voice low.
"Partly," she answered, honestly, "and then my heart still hurts. So badly that I feel like if I do this with you, it will break completely."
"Why?"
"Because I don't know if our marriage will ever work."
"It will work if we are determined to make it work," Neil countered, firmly.
The thunder clapped again and Adelaide buried her head in his shoulder.
He kissed the side of her head. "Let's get us both tucked into bed."
"Is it safe upstairs?"
"I think we should sleep in the bed in the lab," Neil answered honestly, "as a precaution."
"There isn't much room on that bed."
"I supposed we will just have to cuddle tonight."
"With you naked?" Adelaide pursed her lips.
Neil shrugged and then his look turned mischievous. "Afraid ye won't be able to control yourself, lassie?"
He was challenging her.
She tossed her head, "Not at all," she said, haughtily. "I, as you said, can be quite strong when I put my mind to it."
He chuckled and then she laughed, the sound echoing through the cabin…it so beautiful to Neil's ears.
He smiled widely and for a moment their eyes met.
"Thank you for coming home," Adelaide said, quietly, "I wanted you here so badly."
"I know," Neil said, his voice comforting, "and I don't blame ye one bit."
He lead her to the room and took off the blanket, climbing into bed. He opened his arms.
She took a breath and then shrugged off her dressing gown, lying it across the bottom of the bed. "I'm going to have to lay almost on top of you."
"Hum, ye don't say," Neil chuckled.
She poked at his arm. "Neil, I…"
"Get into bed, woman. The night is cold with the rain and wind. Ye are shivering already."
She climbed in and the he tucked her against his side. "Ye legs are falling off the bed."
"No, they aren't."
"Aye, they are. I'd imagine they are cold." He gripped her waist and hulled her up closer to him. He coaxed her until her legs were twined in his. "There ye are. See we both fit."
Adelaide let out a shaky breath. HIs presence dominated the bed like it had the whole cabin since he had returned home. And she was grateful for that. For his strength…for the mere comfort of his presence. She loved him so. He was her rock and she wished…she wished so desperately that she could just embrace this all without the fear that was plaguing her again.
"Eventually," Neil whispered in her ear, "you will have to let go of this so we can move forward."
"I know," she whispered back. "I'm trying to fight it."
"Fight what?"
"Feeling so sad…and so fearful all the time," she admitted. "It's become almost paralyzing."
"I know," Neil said, quietly, "and that makes me worry about you…as your husband, as your doctor."
"I think I just need more time," Adelaide said.
"Ye would tell me if it becomes more than just sadness, won't ye?"
"Of course."
"Because I need you, Adelaide," Neil said, "ye and the lad are my world. That is why I had to come home tonight."
"I know," she cuddled into him and then wrapped her arm across his chest. He tightened his arms around her.
They were quite for a few moments, the lighting filling up the sky, the thunder booming again. She could hear the wind whipping and more trees falling.
"Do you think Charlie is okay?"
"Aye," Neil said, his hand rubbing her hip in circles. "Can ye not sleep?"
"No."
He began to sing to her, his voice low and baritone.
Sing me a song of a lad…
He paused, then amended,
Sing me a song of a lass that is gone
Say, could that lass be I?
Merry of soul she sailed on a day
Over the sea to Skye.
Mull was astern, Rùm on the port,
Eigg on the starboard bow;
Glory of youth glowed in her soul;
Where is that glory now?
Give me again all that was there,
Give me the sun that shone!
Give me the eyes, give me the soul,
Give me the lass that's gone!
Sing me a song of a lass that is gone
Say, could that lass be I?
Merry of soul she sailed on a day
Over the sea to Skye.
Billow and breeze, islands and seas,
Mountains of rain and sun,
All that was good, all that was fair,
All that was me is gone.
Sing me a song of a lass that is gone
Say, could that lass be I?
Merry of soul she sailed on a day
Over the sea to Skye.*
He finished the song and Adelaide murmured,
"Why did you change the lyrics?"
"Because this song reminds me of you, my sweet wife." He spoke it so non-judgmentally, so matter of factually, that Adelaide's heart broke. "You are here, but you are gone."
She began to cry, "I'm sorry, my love. Truly."
"Shh," Neil said, his voice sorrowful, "you are beautiful to me. Every inch of you. You know that, don't you?"
She clung to him, "I hope you always think that."
"I know I always will. We will find our way back to each other's heart, Adelaide. I believe in this."
She swallowed hard. "What is the song really about Neil?"
"Bonny Prince Charlie."
She rubbed her head against his chest, "Was your ancestor really laird a clan?"
"Aye," Neil rubbed her waist, "Neil MacNeill was the last laird simply known as the MacNeill. After the battle of Culloden, the MacNeill clan and all of the clans were no more."
"That is an amazing history for you to tell our children one day," Adelaide whispered.
Neil squeezed her tighter, "Aye."
"Will you take me there one day?"
"To Scotland?"
"Yes. When you sing these old songs, when you talk about your history, of Scotland, you have so much pride. You are so passionate about it. I want to go back with you. I want to see the place that is in your blood and the place that captured your soul. Will you take me?"
"I would love nothing more," Neil said, his voice low. He was so touched by her words and he fought the tears that was welling up in his eyes, "Now, try to sleep, sweet lassie," he said, gruffly as he patted her hip.
"I just don't know, Mr. Taylor," Adelaide said, frowning as she felt Lundy's belly. "We need the Doc here."
"Is there nothin ye can do for me boy?" Bird's Eye asked.
"He needs surgery," Adelaide said, "his appendix is about to burst."
Simon began to fuss and Adelaide picked him up, jiggling him. "He should be home in a few hours."
"Will he last that long?"
Adelaide frowned, "It's hard to know."
"Is there nothin ye can do, woman?" Bird's Eye asked again, "I reckon that ye are fine nurse."
"Doc wouldn't want me to attempt surgery," Adelaide said, bit her lip, indecisive.
"What do ye think?" Bird's Eye asked, "Can ye do what needs to be done?"
"I think I can."
"Then ye best do it."
Adelaide swallowed hard, her heart racing, "I can't go against the Doc, Mr. Taylor. I just can't."
Bird's Eye looked sorrowful. "I though ye were different, Mrs. Doc."
"What do you want me to do?" Adelaide asked, exasperated.
"I want ye do use all ye book learnin to save my boy!" Bird's Eye raised his voice. "Doc be damned."
"He's my husband," Adelaide bounced Simon more, who was fussing earnestly now. "And our marriage…well, our marriage cannot take me openly defying the Doc's wishes!"
"Doc might be a bear, but if ye save my boy's life, he will get over it, Mrs. Doc. I know he will. Leave it to me."
"You aren't listening, Mr. Taylor."
"And I want to know when ye began to roll over in submission to the Doc. I thought ye had the fire in ye. Ye are too scared of the Doc, even to do what ye know is right."
"I'm not scared of Neil," Adelaide shot back.
"Then do what ye think is right," Bird's Eye pointed his finger at her. "I want you to save my son. He is all I have."
"What if it goes horribly wrong?"
"I'll tell the Doc I made you do it," Bird's Eye answered evenly, "and I wouldn't blame ye. Ye have my word, woman."
Adelaide stared at him for another moment, "See if you can get the baby to stop fussing. It will distract me."
Bird's Eye held out his arms and Adelaide didn't hesitate.
"Thank ye, Mrs. Doc," Bird's Eye said.
"Thank me afterwards," Adelaide said, wryly. But she rushed to prepare for surgery.
From the first cut, Adelaide prayed for wisdom, mercy and strength. And she felt God's spirit guiding her, leading her on, giving her strength and steadying her course.
She heard Bird's Eye walking back and forth on the porch with the babe, his pacing oddly comforting.
And as she was removing the appendix, she felt strength. Stronger than she had felt in months. Her mind was stimulated. She felt like she had a purpose again.
It was then she heard Charlie's hoofbeats and her heart began pounding. She wiped her brow with her forearm and took another breath.
"Adelaide!" Neil's voice boomed from the doorway. "What the hell are ye doing, woman?"
Adelaide looked up, forcing calm into her tone, "I'm saving your patient's life, Doctor MacNeill."
"By performing surgery!" Neil thundered, "We have gone over this before!"
"Shh," Adelaide looked up, "You are distracting me."
Neil's temper exploded even further at her dismissal of him. "Adelaide, step away from my patient. Now."
Bird's Eye had come up behind him and Adelaide met his eyes. He nodded at her and then she turned to Neil.
"I'm almost done."
"Ye are not trained. You don't know the hell what ye are doing. I am home now. Step away, Adelaide."
"If you are going to be so rude to me, Doctor MacNeill, you can call me Mrs. MacNeill," Adelaide huffed back.
"Is this how we are going to play it?" Neil said, vigorously washing his hands, "Go tend to the babe, Nurse MacNeill. He is hollering."
"He wasn't hollering until you decided to yell at me," Adelaide shot back, but she stepped back. "But yes, I'll go and tend to the baby. Because obviously, that is where you think I belong."
"We will finish this discussion later."
"You bet your pants, we will," Adelaide said. She shoved her apron off and washed her hands before going outside to the porch with Bird's Eye.
"The Doc can be a bear," Bird's Eye said, handing Simon back to Adelaide.
"I told you this is how it would be."
"Ye did a good thing tonight, Miz Adelaide," Bird's Eye said, "and I thank ye kindly."
"I'm glad you think so."
"The Doc will simmer down."
"But will I?" Adelaide fumed, "I am in the right."
"Well, that I suspect might be a problem," Bird's Eye laughed. "Do you think the boy will be fine?"
"Yes," Adelaide said, "He should be just fine. Thank you for tending to the baby. I trust he wasn't too much trouble."
Bird's Eye surprised her by leaning over and smoothing Simon's hair. "Ye have a fine young'un, Mrs. Doc. He was no trouble at all."
Neil finished the surgery, got Lundy settled into the lab and then brought the crib up into their bedroom and Adelaide nursed and changed Simon before tucking him into bed.
Neil stood and beckoned to her. "We need to talk. Bird's Eye is downstairs. We can ask him to keep an ear out for the lad."
She nodded and followed Neil down the stairs and reached for her shaw, slinging it around her shoulders as Neil spoke to Bird's Eye.
She stepped onto the porch and down the three stairs and across the yard.
"Were you going to wait for me?" Neil ran to catch up with her with the lantern.
"Is this quite far enough?" Adelaide asked, titling her head.
"Far enough for what?" Neil asked, exasperated.
"For Bird's Eye not to hear us hollering at each other," Adelaide shot back, equally exasperated.
Neil paused at her combative words, "You are angry with me."
"Very perceptive, Neil. That medical degree sure has come in handy."
His mouth dropped, "What gives you the right to be angry with me?" he asked, placing the lantern on the ground.
"Because," Adelaide's voice rose, "I nearly let a boy die because I was so afraid of your reaction! I nearly let him die because I was afraid that this would be the final nail in the coffin of our marriage! And that makes me so angry Neil. And you reacted just as I thought you would. And when Bird's Eye Taylor is more progressive than you are, it makes me angry! It makes me want to go into this cabin and pack my bags and never look back."
"You act like I have committed the great sin here," Neil thundered back. "I am not wrong, woman. And if ye would just step back and think of it logically, ye would be able to see. But ye have always been so emotional."
"Emotional?" Adelaide's eyes widened.
"Aye, emotional," Neil shot back, a hand through his hair. "After the patience I have shown you these past few weeks. I could have lost my temper weeks ago. Blast it, woman! I have been tempted. Ye have been acting like a child."
"And you can't see past your pride to know that I was in the right tonight."
"My pride?" Neil threw up his hands, "My pride is nothing to yours, woman."
"That's not true!" Adelaide's volume rose again.
"Aye, it is," Neil answered, his voice rising.
"You don't believe in me," she accused.
"Excuse me?" Neil asked, aghast. "What the hell does that mean?"
"You let Alice perform simple surgeries when you are unavailable and you don't bat an eye. And then when I try, you rail at me. You make me feel like I did something wrong when I was only trying to help. I was respecting the wishes of Bird's Eye as Lundy's next of kin. He wanted me to try so I did. And I did have it in hand. I know I'm not the great and powerful Doctor MacNeill, but if your ego can't take your wife being successful then shame on you. Just shame on you!"
She turned away but he reached out and grabbed her arm, forcing her around.
"Let go of me."
"Are you done?"
"Let go of my arm. Now!" Adelaide said.
He released her at once. "Is this tantrum done?"
"Tantrum?" Adelaide threw up her hands. "I am not wrong here."
"Yes, you are," Neil said, his volume lowering. "And the fact that you can't see it worries me more than your decision to operate in the first place."
The tears splattered on her cheeks as she turned around and walked away from him, into the woods.
Neil took the lantern and followed her. She leaned her head against a tree and she felt Neil put down the lantern on a tree branch, lighting the area and then his hands on her arms, turning her around to face him.
"We are going to talk about this," Neil said, firmly. "Ye made the decision and now ye can't run away from it."
She remained quiet and he reached to wipe the tears from her eyes, the gesture soothing. Then, his hands moved to her shoulders, massaging them gently. His hands moved to rest on her arms as she leaned against the tree.
"I have talked to you before, Adelaide, about what to do if you are faced with the situation you were faced with tonight. I had returned to the mission, which you would have known if you had bothered to call for reinforcements. Alice, perhaps, if I was not there would have been a good choice to help."
"I didn't think we had time. Did you see the state of his appendix?"
"I told you that I would be home."
"I know, but sometimes you think you will be then it is hours."
"Then you monitor and wait as long as you can. Don't just jump in."
"I wasn't going to, but Bird's Eye…"
"He told me he pressured you. He also gave me an earful."
"Well, good," Adelaide side swept him and crossed her arms. "You deserved an earful."
Neil took a breath, trying to draw upon his patience. He turned slowly around to face her.
"The truth is, Nurse MacNeill, I don't quite trust you. Your heart is so tender and you are so intelligent that you first instinct is to do what needs to be done yourself."
She swallowed hard, knowing that he was right in that regard.
"And sometimes that will get you over your head, which is why I put in place those rules. The ones you disregard so readily."
"I don't disregard your rules!" Adelaide huffed, but Neil held up his hand again, cautioning her.
"Aye, ye do lassie, in both our work and… our marriage… when you think you know best."
"Surely you understand the extenuating circumstances. And you shouldn't place rules over me in our marriage like I am some sort of child!" Adelaide's voice raised again. "I am not a child. I am your wife."
"Then act like it!" Neil's voice boomed through the woods. "For God's sake, woman, act like it!"
She froze her hands fisted. She fell silent for a few minutes, them both standing and facing each other, trembling with anger.
Neil broke the silence, "I'm sorry, lassie. I lost my temper."
"I have deserved that explosion of temper for weeks now. You have been bottling it in."
"Aye," Nail admitted, wryly, "but perhaps, we should get back to the issue of tonight."
"Can't you understand the position I was in? I knew I could help. How could I just step aside and not?"
"I do, Adelaide. But I am the doctor here. I have had the training necessary to make those decisions so if you cannot manage to follow my orders, then you will not help me at all with my patients."
"Are you terminating me?"
He paused, "I'm frustrated right now. I don't want us to make any decisions we might regret."
"Are you upset with my work?"
"No," Neil admitted, "you were doing well, but again, I worry you don't know your limits."
"And I'm worried you don't know my potential," Adelaide's voice was cool. "I'm going to get the babe and go to the mission for the night."
"No, you are not."
"Give me one good reason not."
"Because I will not allow it."
"I'm sorry, that's not a good enough reason," Adelaide turned back around and Neil caught her again, wrestling with her.
"I will drag you forcibly back into the cabin," Neil said, but Adelaide continued to fight, twisting in his arms.
"I hate you!"
"No, you don't," Neil murmured in her ear. "Watch your words, lassie. Don't say something ye can't take back."
The damn broke, her tears turning into sobs, "I don't even know who I am anymore."
Neil held her tightly, "Why are you angry, Adelaide?"
"I want you to see me the way Simon saw me and Edward sees me. They believe in me and the person I love most in this world, even more than I ever loved Simon…"
"Adelaide," Neil inhaled.
"that person doesn't understand me. That person doesn't trust me. Do you realize how foolish that makes me feel?"
"I do see you that way. I know your potential. I also want to protect you from making a mistake that you can't undo…one that would haunt you for the rest of your life. Don't you see?"
He pulled her away and then reached to brush the hair out of her face. "Just say the word."
"What word?" Adelaide asked, incredulously.
"Say the word and you and I will move with Simon to Baltimore so you can attend John Hopkins."
Tears flooded her eyes again, spilling over, "You would do that for me?"
"Of course, I would, ye foolish woman. I love you. I want to make you happy. And I believe you would be a fine doctor. But I want you to do it the right way. For you and for me."
She cried more. "Oh, Neil. Neil." She moved even closer to him and rested the top of her head into his chest. "Give me up."
"Never," his arms were back around her. "I'm sorry I lost my temper with ye lassie, but on the upside, I haven't seen your temper sparked that way in the longest time. It was good to have ye back even for a moment."
"Are you mad at me?"
"Not at the moment."
"Are you miserable with me?"
Neil fell quiet. "There are moments that I am."
"I'm so sorry," She lifted her head. "I know I am difficult. And I am sorry for that."
"I know you are," Neil said, "Did you mean it?"
"What?"
"Do you love me more than you loved Simon?"
She nodded.
"And how does that make you feel?"
"Like I want to run as fast as I can…"
"Sweetheart," Neil pulled her in his arms again, "Do not be so afraid of our love. Ye have nothing to fear from me."
"I'm going to lose you."
"Stop pushing me away. Face this all with me. We can do this together, Adelaide. You and I make the best team. You just have to embrace it."
"I don't think I can."
His eyes met her across the lantern light. "Why?"
They heard horse hoofbeats and his name being called.
"Damn it, Adelaide."
"It's okay, Neil. Duty calls," she leaned over to kiss his cheek, "I'll check on Lundy before bed."
"thank you."
"I'm happy to."
"We will see when you are faced with his surly self."
She smiled, "I'm used to surly men."
He threw back his head and laughed. "I suspect you are."
He reached out to touch her arm. "We will talk more later."
"I'd like that," she said, quietly.
"We will make this work."
She nodded.
"No, Adelaide," Neil held her head in his hands, "I give you my vow. We will make this work. Trust me now." HIs tone was so passionate, so heart-felt that Adelaide's heart soared.
"I do," Adelaide breathed.
"I'll help you figure it out. I promise."
"Yes."
He kissed her head. "And we will make up properly for our fight tonight."
She nodded again.
"Don't wait up."
He took her hand and then reached for the lantern, leading her back to the cabin.
A/N: *Check out the Skye Boat Song on youtube...so hauntingly beautiful