Decisions

I wake up, nestled in Eric´s firm arms. As I look up at him, yawning, I see he´s fast asleep. Beautiful as ever, I smile up at his angel face as he sleeps, happy that red marks from his crying have left his face. I want him to be happy. I want us to be happy, together, but I know this cannot be.

I know that I have saved his life by forgiving him, but that is as far as I can help him. Soon he´ll be gone, and I will be left alone to live my life. Everything will be back to how it was before. Simple. I will kill vampires, but still know that my heart belongs to one.

What chance do we have of living together; especially of living an ordinary life? He sleeps during the day, whilst I during the night. I would have to change my life around, if not we´ll never see each other. But I can´t – I won´t – give my days up for him. I have a job, a duty, a life. I have people to see. Being with him is not simple, him being a vampire. I know deep down that he´ll accept we cannot be together.

Maybe… if you asked him to turn you. I immediately scream at my inner self, castigating her, appalled at that thought. I don´t even want to think what my father would do, how he would react if he was to find one morning that his daughter had turned into the one monster he hates more than anything. I don´t even imagine my own reaction – if I then too was forced to kill other children´s mothers.

But I have to accept that is the only other option that would allow us to be happy, forever. Forever… I admire the word. It has so many opportunities, more than I will ever have. But if it consists and relies on the idea that I turn into something I hate, I won´t take the option. Unless… would I? Would I take the option to be with Eric forever?

I look at Eric again, still asleep in peace. I don´t hate him, not for what he is. Would I not hate myself?

I stop my thoughts, because I must stop thinking like this. Once Eric´s healed, he´ll take the way to the left, into the darkness, and I will take the way to the right, far from him, into my own personal darkness.

I´ve grown to love him, and I can´t imagine what it will be like, never seeing his face again. Will he watch over me, always? He says he loves me, does he mean it?

I picture Eric watching me from afar, heart in his hand, making sure that I am safe. Then I picture me, feeling someone´s eyes on me, turning around but seeing no-one, because I am alone. I will be.

That´s what the future holds for both of us.

Eric´s eyes blink open; he´s awake! Upon seeing his eyes I remember where we are now. We´re still at our reunion, in the basement of Kyle´s house. No-one has come to check up on us yet, and I know that time may be limited. Maybe Kyle – who seems to be on our side – is covering for me, giving us as much time as possible, and I suddenly feel stupid realising that I have misused time by falling asleep. There´s so much that I need to know about Eric, and the clock is ticking away.

"Goodnight," I smile at him, rather than ´morning.´ He smiles back, but his smile does not touch his eyes which worries me. His eyes, which are darker than ever reassure my worries. He´s weak – he´s thirsty.

"Feed on me," I whisper, demandingly.

"No – you´re still recovering. I don´t want to hurt you. If I did, it would kill me," he says, closing his eyes and frowning with pain. "I´ll survive. Don´t worry."

"Eric, you won´t. I can see you´re weak. Anyway, you don´t hurt me," I say, my voice diming. "I don´t know why, but I feel nothing but pleasure when you bite me," I pause again, dropping my head as I blush. "I don´t know why it is. It´s as if it´s meant to be. When the others bit me, and even you the first time you bit me… it hurt. But I guess I got used to it. It´s as if I´m immune to you."

I look down again, but his fingers quickly catch my falling head, lifting it back up so that we are looking into each-other´s eyes. He just looks at me, as if he has the answer to all my questions, but then just responds:

"I´ll make it quick – you´re blood Ronnie, is like magic for my body, and heals me quick."

I don´t understand, so I frown as he sinks his fangs deep into my neck. He grabs me, one of his hands holding my neck in place whilst the other holds me so that I am stuck to him.

For that second, as my blood runs through him and inside him, we are one.

It´s over soon, and as he released me, he kisses the bite marks as usual. I look up to see a glowing Eric, just like he had that time before. He glows like an angel, and his lashes blink over a golden-eyed God. Just as quick as the last time however, his skin returns to its paleness, and his eyes return to their vibrant red, but still leave him a beautiful being.

He is healthier and happier, but all I can do is smile weakly, now I being the one that has been left without strength. He sees this in me, and bites into his hand, offering his blood to me once again.

He puts a hand on my head, parting my hair from my face and then brings his hand closer to my lips.

"Drink baby," he whispers. "I won´t ever lose you."

With his words, I bite into his flesh and relax at the trickle of his blood down my throat. He tastes perfect, just as perfect as I remember him. His blood is like all the beautiful things in our world. He tastes like heaven, like snow, like flowers and like sunlight and I quickly wonder whether I taste like this to him too.

I feel myself physically improving, and I guess he can feel my heartbeat restoring itself back to normal, because he soon moves his hand away from my lips, ridding me from his glorious taste. I no longer taste his perfect blood, but instead inhale the sweet aroma of his body.

I relax, looking up to him and whisper a quick "Thank-you." He smiles back to me, but I see his face turn sad.

"Eric," I question him. "Why is it only you… glow when you taste my blood? Isaac didn´t… well at least from what I remember." The question just seems to bring further sadness to him.

"I don´t know," is all he answers, though I know the answer is hidden there behind his eyes.

"OK. Well what did you mean, just now, when you said, ´you won´t ever lose me´?" I blurt out, unable to stop myself and regretting the question before I even see his face darken.

"I meant that I won´t ever hurt you, or let anyone else hurt you. And I also meant that I´ll always be there, to heal you with my blood, whenever you´re weak; because I owe it to you, and I don´t want you to ever feel the brink of death again," he says, his voice barely a whisper.

I stare, stunned at what he´s just said. He has given me an essay, a thousand answers to my questions, but it´s all wrong. None of them were what I wanted to hear; I said I wouldn´t ever lose you, because I love you, and I won´t let anything or anyone separate us.

I smile foolishly at myself, stupid for thinking like this when I already knew we could never exist together.

"I think I should go," Eric whispers, his words hitting me harshly, breaking my heart.

"Why?" I say. I can feel my face watering, and tears begin to surface from my eyes.

"Because…" he pauses, unable to continue, his words stuck in his throat. He doesn´t continue. Is this all the explanation I am going to get?

"Because this is more painful than I had imagined, and the longer I spend with you, the harder it´ll be for me to leave you, and you know I´ll have to leave either way," he whispers, bringing his hand to my eyes so that he can hold my face and wipe my tears away.

I nod, not understanding his motives or validating, but knowing it has to be. "I love you," I whisper, staring him deeply in the eyes.

He chuckles, bringing a smile to my face. How can he make me smile under these circumstances? He said I was magic to him; he just doesn´t know he is magic to me too. He is a miracle.

"I love you so much more," he says.

He leans in, and then suddenly his lips are on mine. We are like fire and ice, touching and melting in each other. I love Eric, and it pains me to see him leave, but I know it´s for the best. It is, isn´t it? I kiss him, and he kisses me, the kiss lasting an eternity. His lips are desperate, cold on mine, and I answer back by clutching his face, and bringing him closer to me. His hands are all over my back, loving me, holding me one last time.

We´re separated as he breaks it off, flinching to a sound upstairs.

"I have to go," he says. His face, that was alight seconds ago, now darkens with his next words. "You won´t ever see me again, but may I be your shadow, may I watch over you and see you? I feel protective, over you, and I must know you´re safe."

I nod, unable to not accept his proposal. I know he´ll always be there. "You can be my guardian angel," I say, smiling at the thought. He smiles sadly, as if he doesn´t deserve the title of angel – but he does to me, because he´s my angel.

As I stand here, knowing this is the last time I´ll ever see him, his proposal seems unfair to me, because I´ll never see him again, but he may see me. However, his motives are now clear. He´ll always be my shadow, keeping me safe, lifting me to security. And somehow, I will never forget him. I´ll always know he´ll be there. I smile at the thought and he smiles back at me, filling me with hope.

"Never forget me," he whispers.

"Never."

"I´ll always be here. You are my one love," he whispers back.

A pause, that should last more than it does ends, and he lifts me from his lap; the moment´s arrived. He grabs my hands so that I am brought to my feet as he too gets to his feet.

We stand side by side, holding hands like two young children. However, unlike two young children, we are not innocent, and unfortunately, we know what step to take next.

I look at the door staring at me across the room. Anger arises inside me, because I know that once I am out of it… once I am on the other side of its frame – then my life with Eric will cease to exist. Once I am out that door, my steps holding his hand or the beats of his heart through mine will be counted.

That´s why I don´t want to go. I want this moment, this basement with us in it to stay like this forever. I want time to stop, so that we´ll never have to say goodbye like we are about to. Hunters exist. Vampires exist. But those able to stop time don´t. It´s because time is no meant to be stopped, but instead meant to be cherished. So I bring myself to do the next thing, to cherish my last few minutes with Eric.

I kiss him, just like I did before. This time however, fear and loneliness erupt through both of us, because neither of us wants to let go. We know this is the end. The last kiss. And so I hold him and he clutches to me and I kiss him and he kisses me back. I love Eric. Don´t you ever forget that.

Bravely, I end the kiss, just like my humanity has ended our chances of being together. I walk forwards, dragging him with me. Our love has reduced him to nothing. He cannot walk. He cannot talk. He is in love, and even his strength or his speed, or even his demonic fangs can´t bring movement out of him. And so I drag him.

We face the stairs, one by one, but quicker than wanted, we´re at the top of the stairs. I know what´s on the other side.

I open the door to see three figures staring back up at us from across the room. The first face whose I see is my father´s – a face that seems like an eternity has passed since I last saw it. Though at first it relaxes – at I guess the sight of me healed – it then turns into complete anger, which of course does not shock me. It is something I had always expected. His mouth drops as he scans me over, and his eyes lock sight on our entwined hands.

Kyle´s father is no different. His eyes however carry more disappointment than anger, as if they were expecting more from a hunter. His son, unlike the other two gives me nothing more than an apologetic smile. Though it conveys no meaning, it still gives me hope, as if he agrees with my feelings for Eric.

I smile at Kyle, but I am suddenly brought back to Eric beside me, as he empties my hand. My hand drops abruptly by my side.

My heart stops, falsely informing me that he´s gone. But a quick glance over me correctly tells me he´s still here; but it´s not Eric no longer.

Eric, in a protective state grabs me around the waist, pushing me behind him. He presses me against the wall, covering and shading me with his body so that I can no longer see the hunters. It´s as if he´s trying to protect me from them. He wants to protect me from their glares.

I look closely at the situation. No words have been spoken, but already a war has started. A war for me. My life will always be about choices from now on, and the biggest one faces me right now. If I was forced to choose… between my family or Eric… who would I choose? I shake my head, not wanting to be faced with that situation. But if I really was, as I am now subtly, who would I choose?

I try to think of my father, of how he needs me, but it´s as if my heart has no more room for him. Pictures of times spent with Eric swarm in, outnumbering other thoughts. That´s how I know. I would choose Eric, because he is all I think about. I realise my whole life revolves around him – everything he has told me has given me so much faith in him. It has given me life. I know that he is unlike others, because he loves someone like me.

But here I stand; my heart is in his hands and he´s about to drop it and leave me empty.

His hold on me relaxes, and I can just about make out the three figures again. I look at them, and as two return the look, I realise my father is still staring furiously at Eric, watching his every step.

I´ve hesitated too long, and so I grab Eric by the arm, pulling him back with me and whispering just so that he can hear:

"Eric, they won´t hurt me," I try to tell him.

He looks down at me, an unknown emotion in his eyes and he smiles, hurt at me. The unknown emotion registers within me, and I realise what he´s about to do. He´ll give his life for me. I understand his look immediately, because of course they won´t hurt me – they want to hurt him!

I look back at my family, appalled at what they´re about to do… appalled at what they want to do. Why would they do this after all Eric has given me? Do they not see how happy I am, or was as I walked in the door, hand in hand with the beautiful man that he is?

"No!" I scream, running in front of him. My father´s eyes dilate – he can´t believe his eyes. I reassure him:

"Daddy, I love Eric," I whisper. Eric´s hand reaches for mine and I take it. He pulls me back, and I nestle by his body. Power surges through me, so that I am able to continue.

"I love him," I say again. "If you hurt him, dad, you hurt me. Can´t you see he´s different? He saved my life, and now, he is just leaving. Just let him go. I won´t see him – ever. Now daddy, please – let him go. Promise you won´t go after him, please. Please, dad," I cry out to him.

My dad holds his thoughts for far too long, but when he begins to speak, he really looks like he means it. "You know I don´t want to hurt you," he says.

Hope fills me, but I know my father is not one to trust. We´ve been through years of killing vampires, and I know how high his hatred is towards them. After what has happened recently, and Eric´s involvement in it, I know that his hatred has just tipped off the edge. He would do anything to rid the planet of one more vampire, even if it meant getting through me. I feel Eric tense behind me, just before my father says:

"But how could you, Ronnie? After everything we´ve been through, you fall for one of them?" My father says, his words full of poison and like daggers digging into me. "They killed your mother!" he screams.

"No dad," I whisper calmly, because I know I cannot let him get to me like this. "They didn´t. The man we killed – he did. And he paid for it; but you mustn't blame Eric for this. He hasn´t hurt me, and he never will."

My father´s hands relax and as he doesn´t answer, I take the silence to turn around to Eric.

This is it – the last time I will see him. I look up at him and him down at me. I smile, tears in my eyes and he smiles back to me.

"I love you," he whispers. "Remember, please remember me. I will always be with you," he chuckles – but it isn´t a chuckle I´ve heard before. This one is clouded with sadness and fear.

I gulp, because I don´t know how I´ll be able to tell him I love him too.

"I…" I begin. "I love you too," I manage to whisper back, holding back tears.

I barely hear myself, but he smiles down at me, and then bends down to kiss me one last time, but the kiss lasts too little. It´s the end – he caresses my cheek one last time, letting his cold hand send sparks through my body. He then kisses me tenderly one last time, just above my eyes, and then he´s gone.

My body, which hungers for his touch is now starved, as he moves towards the door in a blink of a second.

"Goodbye," he whispers.

"Eric…"

I love him, but with that, he has left me. Left me forever. I am alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone forever. He has left me, really left me. I drop to the floor, knowing that every second I stay like this, the further he gets away. I am alone. He has taken my life, my heart, and I am alone. Empty. Empty and alone. I love him, but now, all I can do is clutch my heart and let my tears, erupt from my eyes. I am alone, Eric isn´t here.

I love her, but with that, I have left her. Left her forever. I am alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone forever. I have left her, really left her. I pause in my run, knowing that I am now miles away from her, and drop to the floor. I am alone. I have left her with my life, my heart, and I am alone. Empty. Empty and alone. I love her, but now, all I can do is clutch my heart and let my bloody tears erupt from my eyes. I am alone, Ronnie isn´t here.