"What are you thinking about?"
"Skye."
"What about it?"
"The grey air, the white gulls, the way the wind was always cold…"
"You shouldn't hold onto such things. They'll just pass away."
Ailsa looked to the man beside her. His eyes were closed, the dark light about them casting strange shadows upon his features. She turned on the mattress, pressing her stomach into the surface and wrapping her arms beneath the pillow beneath her head.
"I think it's so sad that you believe that. Everything dies, but that does not mean it should not live."
He opened an eye at her, smile a little crooked. "I have nothing holding me back."
"And nothing to keep your warm."
"What are you doing right now?"
"Am I just a large heater then?"
"Don't be stupid. You're quite small."
Ailsa let out a single breath of a laugh. Sometimes the man she knew appeared in tiny fragments, in little quips and in odd smiles. It gave her hope, and it gave her something to hold onto. Maybe that was why she stayed; to see if he could survive, to see if Ben lived. His name became a blur now, the line between Ben and Kylo waning into nothingness. She didn't know what she believed. She didn't know what she felt. She just…hoped.
"Don't you miss Skye?"
Kylo shook his head a little. "No. It was cold and very salty."
"I thought you were made of tougher stuff than that. You hate the cold and you hate sand."
"Speaking of – I expect you to be at my side on Jakku."
"To do what exactly?"
"To watch. That is what ghosts do, don't they? They watch?"
"And they haunt people."
"I don't need you to haunt anyone yet."
"I've been haunting you for years."
Kylo was silent. He turned his head to Ailsa, her eyes now closed and her face framed by dark hair. She reminded him of the sea; always changing, yet always the same. Vast, a mystery, and yet so familiar all at once. His fingers found a bruise he'd left on the back of her shoulder during training, her skin there stained dark. He could feel The Force in her blood pulsing around the mark, he could feel it in her heartbeat. She'd been so silent for so long, and now she was louder than she had ever been – more powerful, more confident, more able.
"You know, if you weren't a Force User you'd have made an excellent assassin for The First Order." Kylo mused.
"I've done assassinations, but very rarely. Kill one to benefit the many."
"I can't imagine you doing that."
"I know." She'd wanted him to know, wanted to see his reaction. "Even after I was sent to kill Hux, you still never quite grasped that. We've all killed, Kylo. I've just been…I still feel it. It stings every time. That is how I was trained. They say it helps ward off the dark; that bright spark of pain keeps us grey."
"The Grey Jedi…" He let out a sigh. "They are still a myth."
"Good."
He stared at her face, her expression soft and her defenses down. Just like old times. The memory of his time as Ben rose up violently only to be shoved back, the conflict in him eternal, the motion providing power and confusion all at once. He was restless in his heart, he was unstable. Unstable and so full of strength. Snoke wanted to give him direction, but he also wanted to give him conflict. Kylo would not stray from The Dark. He had been well indoctrinated. A little shadow of a girl could not tear him from that.
"I can take whatever I want. I don't want what is I your head." He said the word so flatly, his gaze suddenly eye to eye with hers.
Ailsa propped herself up a bit to watch him. "Is that why you haven't had a poke around? Is that really why?"
"It is the truth."
"You were always a terrible liar."
"Which is why you should know it is the truth."
"You do not wish to know of secret orders, Grey Jedi, and silent ghosts wandering the universe?"
"I know of those things. You are proof of them."
"Hux wants more."
"Hux can go fuck himself."
Ailsa let out a laugh at that, smile bright and lopsided, hair falling over her face as the sound escaped her. "Fine. Fine. I believe you."
"You're a terrible liar too."
"Better than you are."
"Okay." He shifted as he lay there. "Okay, time for you to go. We leave first thing."
"I trust you will unlock my room."
"Someone will."
"Good."
-.-.-.-.-
It made sense that they had a comfort in each other, regardless of how unhealthy it was. When it came to The First Order, that was all there was. Only in the pauses were they together. Only when they were together could Ailsa think of Ben and of the past and of the way his face still moved in the same way.
She stood beside Kylo Ren as they waited to leave for Jakku, standing upon the ship and both dressed for battle. He had his mask on, and she had been tailored in black leather and fitted attire designed to let her move. The clothing got darker each time she was given it, the hue more black than before. Ailsa noticed this but said nothing. She peered out from grey eyes, standing somewhat back from her new commander. She had become his right hand. Whether or not that was intentional was up for debate, but wherever he went – she was there like a shadow. She was watching him, and he watched her with the same intensity. He was waiting for her to betray him. He was waiting for a move.
And she was waiting to see if he would come back to life. She was waiting to see who he would become.
"You know your mission." Kylo stated from behind that mask. "The Troopers will do their work."
Below them on the loading deck stood a unit of Storm Troopers, all armed and mobilized.
"If anything out of the ordinary happens – I will see it."
"If you do not – I will know."
"If I don't see it, or if I don't tell you."
He turned his head to her. "Both."
Ailsa met the visor of his mask with her gaze. She nodded. It was hard; she was still very much under the thumb of The First Order, but at the same time, at least she had some wiggle room to move around. Did she have any intention to return to that nameless place floating in the universe? To return to a life of invisibility? No. No, Ailsa knew that for certain. She wanted to be grey, but she could not be invisible. Invisibility was too lonely. It had hurt. It had ached. She only knew that now that she was experiencing something else. She did not know what it was, only that it was better than before.
The life she had lived after being pulled from the temple was painful. She had trained, she had grown, and she had been fed light and dark. She had become a good fighter, skilled, silent. She had been shaped. Yet, never had she felt more like herself than she had with Ben Solo. Ailsa missed that. She missed training to be the best, rather than to be what was expected of her. With The First Order, at least that was what he was doing for her. That was what was happening – Kylo knew that forcing the First Order doctrine upon Ailsa would not work. She would rebut him with as much force as he applied. So he just showed her his power. He showed her the shadows. She clasped his hand and stayed in the light, but she peered after him and did not let go.
The pair entered the craft to the ground together, following the X-Wings and landing craft to emerge once the town was on fire. Tents burned, citizens ran amongst the smoke.
The air was thick with humidity. It seemed to hold the screams a bit longer. It seemed to make the terror linger.
It was chaos. The last time Ailsa had been so involved in such a scene was back at the temple. It took her breath away, it set her instinct alight. They had not prepared her for this. Everything else, but not this. She stood upon the sand and stared at everything, her contact with The Force tense and anxious. She felt them. The light, the dark, the uncertainty. Uncertainty…For a moment she lost her ability to breathe, mind reeling, body light. She felt as if she'd be sick. She felt cold all of a sudden, chilled, gasping for air, surrounded by pain and water.
Her gaze settled upon Storm Trooper. She watched him. He was marked with blood, and he stood as she did – doing little else. The gunfire broke her sight away from his, the flames rising between them.
Ailsa blinked and turned to her mission. Luke Skywalker. He could not be felt anywhere, he could not be sensed. Yet something…some trace…
Ailsa turned her head toward the sensation. Kylo noted the movement and looked after her gaze. She settled upon a stranger, a man with a gun pointed right at them. He opened fire, the shot hissing and angry. It was stopped mid air, caught in The Force. The woman blinked at such a thing; no Jedi that she knew of had been able to catch a shot in the air. Deflect them, duck beneath them, ward them off with lightsabers. Yet there it hung, the light angry and aimed but held tightly and unmoving.
The man was brought before Kylo Ren. He was full of light; he beamed with it. With wit, with brightness, with potential. Ailsa moved to stand beside her commander as she stared at him. Their eyes met. He was no longer looking at a visor, but at the face beside it. At the girl. Poe Dameron. She had not really cared for his name, she did not know if she had been told it.
"He knows." Ailsa mentioned to Kylo, the rest of the world fading away a little more. The man's face tensed at her words. "Skywalker. He knows."
That was all the confirmation Kylo needed. He would have made the order anyway; he could feel it too. But to have her voice in his ear, to have the words of another Force User; that made a difference.
"Go with him." Ren mentioned, turning to order the Storm Troopers.
The next order he gave made her blood run cold. It was too easy. It made her remember exactly what had happened at The Temple. How easy it was for him to command death. How easy it was for him to remove life. To remove light.
Ailsa turned from it all, gaze back on the ships as the sound of gunfire renewed itself. She entered the ship with the man, a small group of Troopers with them. He was bound, he was tied up, and he was exhausted. What had just happened – it was exhausting.
He watched the woman closely, he wanted to know who she was; what she was to The First Order, what she was to Kylo Ren. Ailsa stayed near to him, her lightsabers both on full display.
"So…what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?"
He was charming, she'd give him that. He was scared too – she could feel it. Ailsa turned to him. "Don't be too quick with your tongue; Kylo Ren will loosen it well enough soon. Try not to motivate him more than you have to."
"Is that a threat, or a warning?"
"It is whatever delivers the greatest effect."
"So you're his…well, I suppose you must like the mask."
Ailsa did not say anything to him in response. She hated the mask. Loathed it. She hated when he wore it; it felt like he was hiding. Ailsa was attuned to emotion, to what The Force read of the mind. He could read minds, she could feel something. Her heart was racing from the sound of the gunfire, from the burning scent. She felt overwhelmed by it, and the words of a captive were not ideal. He was nice. He was kind. He was a man people would love and fall in love with. And now…now he would die without his secrets.
The door opened and Kylo entered, ordering the prisoner to be taken to a holding cell. He looked at Ailsa and dismissed all else. He stood alone with her as the ship took off, watching silently. He did not remove the mask. "Your heart is racing."
"Yeah." She exhaled. "I don't like the heat. I think I've got sand everywhere. It itches."
"Don't lie to me."
"You hate sand too."
"This isn't about the heat. What did you see?"
"Nothing. That man has what you want; the rest is…I don't know. I was overwhelmed."
"By what?"
"Memories."
"Memories of what?"
"You know."
"Don't be weak. Don't be so weak. You're letting this hold you back. It as a moment of triumph for me and a moment of survival for you. Let it be a strength. Embrace it."
"How dare you." Ailsa stated flatly. "How dare you? You know what happened that night. You know what you did."
"Yes I do."
"You have not trained me to embrace it."
"I should not have to, it is not my pain."
"But is my power not yours now too?" Ailsa ran a hand through her hair. She stood before him in all her vulnerability, in all her experience, and with all the anger and betrayal she clung to. "This is all of your making."
He stepped to her, standing above the woman. "Good. I'm glad you acknowledge it now."
She shook her head with an exhalation. "I belong to no one, you know that."
"You may not, but your skills do. They belonged to Skye, then to The Jedi, then to that nameless shape that made you so stubborn, and now…to me."
"So I am to be traded around and used?"
"Is it not better than being dead?"
She was silent. She was still reeling, still aching.
"Return to your quarters. Clean up. Rest up. When I need you, you will know."
"I know."
"Good."
A/N: Thanks for reading! Let me know what you thought - constructive criticism is more than welcome.
I apologise for being AWOL. Life has been very busy lately. I will be getting my hands on the TFA film ASAP so I can better write to the exact plot line. Let me know if you want to see anything specific!