Ok, so, I guess I'm not quite done with this yet...
All characters owned by Bioware. Written in rough script form (read: VERY rough script form), as that's the only way I can see to do this.
All for fun...
(Miranda is walking out of the conference room when Shepard walks up to her.)
Shepard: So… who were you talking to?
Miranda: None of your business.
Shepard: Come on, I'm in charge on this ship, and I need to know if you were giving away our position or sharing tactical information with our enemies or… some other crap like that.
Miranda: … do you think much before you talk or do you just let it fly?
Shepard: Usually I don't even realize I'm talking until I'm halfway through a sentence, and at that point, it's like, you know, 'screw it, let's see where this goes.'
Miranda: Yeah, I realized that.
Shepard: So, who was it?
Miranda: Fine, if you must know, it was a contact I have in the Alliance. They're arranging for another human Spectre to come aboard to help us fight the Collectors.
Shepard: Hey, you already HAVE a human Spectre, and the best damn one available.
Miranda: …
Shepard: ME!
Miranda: Well, 'best' is such a relative term.
Shepard: … I hate you for using my own line against me. And wait… another human Spectre? You don't mean…
Miranda: Yup.
Shepard: No!
Miranda: Yup.
Shepard: NO!
Miranda: YUUUUP!
Shepard: NO! Bad Cerberus operative, bad! What the hell, Miranda?
Miranda: We need all the help we can get, and you're too busy shtupping the yeoman…
Shepard: She has a name, Miranda. I… can't remember it right now, but I'm sure she has a name!
Miranda: Kelly.
Shepard: No… John. John Shepard. God, we've been working together for how long now?
Miranda: No, the yeo- nevermind. Anyways, we need someone to help us get back on mission! Lieutenant Williams is one of the best, and she's worked with you before.
Shepard: She's my psycho ex-girlfriend, Miranda! Our relationship was equal parts sex and her shooting at me! Which, I mean, honestly is kinda hot, but SHE WAS SHOOTING AT ME!
Miranda: Well, she'll be here in three days, so you'd best stock up on medi gel.
(Miranda walks away, leaving Shepard to call after her.)
Shepard: Fine, but when she kills me, you're going to have to bring me back again, so… there! (to himself) So there? What the hell, you're better than that.
Shepard, Miranda and Kelly are standing in the CIC. While Miranda and Kelly are in their normal clothing, Shepard is in full combat gear, with his helmet in his hands.
Shepard: I still say this is a bad idea! It's not too late, disconnect the airlocks and let's get the hell out of here!
Miranda: No, Lieutenant Williams is coming aboard to help, and we'll let her. Now stop acting ridiculous, Shepard, and take off that armor.
Shepard: Hey, you get shot at enough times by someone, you learn to take precautions. I am not getting out of this armor until she's off the ship.
Kelly: Damn.
Shepard: Hey, it's ok… you…
Kelly: Kelly.
Shepard: Kelly! I was just about to say that.
Kelly: Whatever.
Shepard: Anyways, this is a bad idea, and…
(Ashley walks up behind Shepard.)
Ashley: Hey, Skipper!
Shepard: AHH! (drops his helmet, puts his hands over his head, and drops to the floor) Duck and cover, duck and cover! I need air support!
All: …
Shepard: Oh… Hi Ashley. (stands up) I was just… uh…
Ashley: Reliving our first date?
Miranda: Haha!
Kelly: I like her already!
Shepard: (glares at Miranda and Kelly) Hey! The crew doesn't speak unless spoken to!
Miranda: Whatever.
Kelly Whatever.
Shepard: (facepalms) Dammit!
Ashley: Anyways, where should I stow my gear?
Kelly: I'll show you.
(Kelly and Ashley walk off.)
Ashley: (as leaving) God, I can't wait to shoot something!
Shepard: (to Miranda) This will all end in tears.
Miranda: Yeah, but as long as they're yours, I'm good with that.
(Kelly is giving Ashley a tour of the ship. They're in the mess.)
Kelly: And, of course, this is the mess. Gardner keeps a pot of coffee on at all times for us. It's crap coffee, but it does the trick.
(Jack walks up, coffee in hand)
Kelly: And this is Jack, our resident psychotic biotic.
Ashley: Nice to meet you.
Jack: Hey, what's up?
Ashley: (Ashley's eyes go wide) Oh my god, you're a woman!
Jack: What?
Ashley: I thought you were a teenage boy or something!
Jack: (glares are Ashley, her eyes narrow) … you're on the list, bitch.
(Jack stalks off)
Kelly: Well, that… could've gone better.
Ashley: Sorry, I honestly thought she was a boy.
Kelly: You know, it wouldn't surprise me if she actually was.
(Kelly is showing Ashley the armory. Jacob is at the table working.)
Kelly: And this is the armory.
Ashley: Ah, familiar territory. A lot nicer than the bench I had on the original Normandy.
Jacob: Hi there… I don't believe we've met yet.
Ashley: I don't believe we have, either. You must be…
Jacob: Jacob Taylor.
Ashley: … the token black guy.
Jacob: Wait, what did you just say?
Ashley: What?
Jacob: Did you just call me the token black guy?
Ashley: No! That's totally not anything I would ever say! I love black guys!
Jacob: … you're on the list, bitch.
(Jacob stalks away.)
Kelly: That's… pretty much how I met him too, so you're fine.
Ashley: I so totally offended him. Do you think he'll forgive me?
Kelly: Oh yeah. After the rape, he'll forget all about it.
Ashley: Oh, ok- wait, did you say rape?
Kelly: No… yes.
Ashley: He's going to rape me?
Kelly: Hey! That's racist! Just because he's black, you think he's going to rape you?
Ashley: You said-
Kelly: I raped HIM. Made him forget all about anything I said.
Ashley: So… wait, I have to sleep with him for him to forget about it?
Kelly: Actually, just get him piss drunk, wait until he passes out, then leave a pair of underwear in his quarters. When he comes to, he'll think you guys… you know… and he'll be walking around like he's King Kong. Oh my God, I didn't mean that as a racist comment!
Ashley: That's all well and good, but… I, uh… don't wear any…
Kelly: Ah!
Ashley: Yeah…
Kelly: Well, good to know. Filing that under 'F' for future reference. Also, that's hot.
Ashley: What?
Kelly: Just sayin'. Hey, do you wanna check out the showers?
Ashley: … (shrugs) Sure, why the hell not?
So... yeah...