More fun! I can't seem to stop coming up with this stuff. Quite frankly, I don't care if it sucks or not, because it amuses the crap out of me.
Bioware owns all of the characters, all I own is a weird, mess-up imagination.
(Shepard and Ashley are pinned down behind a rock on a planet's surface. It's a lush, garden-type planet, and would be a perfect vacation spot, if it wasn't for the group of Collectors shooting at them.)
Ashley: Take that, you son of a bitch!
Shepard: Hey, that was my kill!
Ashley: I didn't see YOU shooting him in the face.
Shepard: That's because I was waiting for the opportune moment.
Ashley: What, like after he shot you for the third time?
Shepard: … I so hate you.
Ashley: Whatever. I thought you had killed all of the Collectors?
Shepard: Yeah, well, I guess they didn't get the memo!
(Shepard hurls a grenade at the remaining Collectors, killing them all. Ashley comes over to him.)
Ashley: Hold still for a sec.
Shepard: Ow, hey! OWOWOWOWOW whatthehellareyoudoing!
Ashley: I'm patching you up. You always were such a baby.
Shepard: And you were always such a pain loving dominatrix.
Ashley: I don't remember hearing too many complaints about that.
Shepard: … ok, fair enough, but… OW!
Ashley: Got the bullet. Now shut up.
Shepard: Make me. (he cues his radio) Miranda, Jacob, how're you doing?
Miranda: (over the radio) We're pinned down, the Collectors are trying to flank us!
Shepard: Wow, sounds dangerous over there in that zone that you're in.
Miranda: Yes, it is, now get the hell over here and help us!
Shepard: Get the hell over where?
Miranda: To us!
Shepard: And where are you?
Miranda: God dammit, Shepard, the danger zone! Now get over here before you get us killed!
Shepard: Copy that, Ghost Rider. (Shepard closes the channel, turns to Ashley) I love making her say that… hehe…
Ashley: What?
Shepard: Danger Zone.
Ashley: What's that?
Shepard: … Kenny Loggins?
Ashley: …
Shepard: He was a songwriter from the twentieth century. Danger Zone was one of his songs from Top Gun.
Ashley: …
Shepard: Oh come on, you're in the military, and you're never seen Top Gun? They showed that to me in boot camp!
Ashley: Must have been a fun boot camp. I was busy training.
Shepard: (mumbling) and letting your squad get wiped out.
Ashley: What?
Shepard: Nothing!
Ashley: You remember how much I love pain?
Shepard: … yeah.
(Ashley cocks her rifle once, bringing it up to her shoulder.)
Ashley: I'm gonna hurt you so bad that I think I might orgasm from it.
Shepard: Ash… can it wait until we get back to the ship? I mean, we're in the field, and have to go help our teammates out.
Ashley: …
(She shoots Shepard in the leg. He falls to the ground.)
Shepard: AH, CRAP ON A KROGAN!
Ashley: Oh YES! Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Shepard: YOU SHOT ME!
Ashley: I'm aware of that.
Shepard: IN THE LEG!
Ashley: I know, I was there.
Shepard: GOD DAMMIT ASHLEY!
Ashley: Come on, man up and let's go.
(Shepard stands up, still in pain.)
Shepard: God I hate you so much.
Ashley: Whatever. Let's go. (Ashley leaves)
Shepard: (limping after her) I didn't want you back on board! (to himself) Why am I slightly turned on right now?
Ashley: Because you like it when I hurt you!
Shepard: DAMMIT, you weren't supposed to hear that!
I so always saw Ashley as being a little... sadistic. :-)