OK, so I had this saved from some time ago, but just found it again. Decided that it's doing no good sitting on my computer, so here goes! I still can't decide if I should keep this up, but I may post something new every now and then.
Enjoy!
(Shepard is in med bay with his shirt off. Several bullet wounds are on his chest and arms, and Chakwas is bandaging him up.)
Chakwas: Shepard, you've gotten much more careless in your gorund missions lately. This is the fourth time in a week I've had to patch you up.
Shepard: Yeah, well, you know me… "No Cover Shepard" as they call me.
Chakwas: Shepard, no one calls you that.
Shepard: Well, not to my face, at least.
Chakwas: Shepard… did you get back together with Lieutenant Commander Williams?
Shepard: What, that psycho? Of course not!
Chakwas: Shepard…
Shepard: … ok, fine, yes I did. You have no idea, she does this thing with her hip and a table lamp-
Chakwas: Shepard! Did you learn nothing from the Normandy One?
Shepard: How to make a quiche, but I fail to see how that's relevant to this conversation.
Chakwas: Shepard, if you want to date Ashley then that's your choice. But I'm not going to take care of you if she shoots you anymore!
Shepard: Ok, in all fairness, most of these are from Kelly.
Chakwas: What?
Shepard: Yeah, she kinda… well, you know the saying 'the more, the merrier?'
Chakwas: Yes…
Shepard: … not always true.
Chakwas: *sighs* Shepard… from now on, if one of your little 'friends' shoots you while in the throes of whatever kind of sick game you play up in your cabin, field dress it yourself!
Shepard: Fine, but when it gets infected and I die, you'll be sorry.
Chakwas: No I won't.
Shepard: … I believe you.
(Shepard enters his cabin to see Miranda sitting on his couch.)
Miranda: Shepard, we need to talk.
Shepard: Ok. 'Dear Penthouse forum, I never thought it'd happen to me…'
Miranda: About the mission, you sicko.
Shepard: Oh. Well, ok.
Miranda: Look, I get that- is this your pistol?
Miranda reaches down to the ground and picks up a pistol
Miranda: What is this doing out in the open, Shepard?
Shepard: Do you really want to know?
Miranda: No, I guess not.
Shepard: Also, you may not want to be handling that with your bare hand.
Miranda: [narrows her eyes] Is there no low you won't stoop to?
She throws the gun down, and it accidentally goes off, shooting a round into the wall behind Shepard. Shepard dives to the ground
Shepard: Ah, goddammit!
Miranda: You're fine, it didn't hit you!
Shepard: Not that! I… well, I…
Miranda: Oh my God, you have an erection?!
Shepard: I can't help it! You date Ashley long enough and this will happen to you too!
Miranda: Dear God, Shepard! Come on, we have a mission here! We can't have you getting a hard-on in the middle of a ground mission! I'm getting out of here! Settle yourself down and meet me in my office in twenty minutes.
Shepard: Um, if you give me just two minutes now, I can-
Miranda: [Getting up and running to the door} Not a chance, I'm getting out of here!
Shepard: [picks up his pistol] Alright, Horatio, looks like you're needed.
[Shepard walks into the bathroom. The door closes and the shower starts. A gunshot is heard.]
Shepard: Oh, God yeah, that's the stuff!
:-)