Author's Note: Thanks for sticking around despite the shameless drama.
To Coque: Thank you! I'm glad you like the Modern AU as well - even if it's stuffed with drama ;)
I hope you'll like this chapter. I just brought in Margaery as Brienne's female friend, because I find her a good candidate because of her connection to Renly and her character.
I hope you'll like it ;)
Brienne lets out a sigh as she pulls on her blouse, waiting for Margaery to let her inside her apartment. Brienne really didn't want to go, but Margaery insisted, and she has a way with people to get them into whatever she wants, so now she finds herself waiting to be let inside her apartment – to talk. And that even though Brienne rarely gets her jaws apart when talking to anyone but Jaime about personal matters, and she knows this will be personal.
At last the door opens, and Margaery almost flies around her shoulders, holding her close, "Hey, Brie, how are you?"
She pulls away to offer a smile, squeezing her hand with a soft smile.
"Hey, I'm good, thanks," Brienne replies, ducking her head out of reflex.
She knows Margaery through Renly. Before he had his coming out, she posed as his girlfriend. Brienne felt more than uncertain about interacting with her at first, because Margaery is plainly gorgeous and has this aura about herself that draws people in like moths attracted to the light. However, over the course of time, Margaery became one of the few female friends she has - since Brienne always felt more confident talking to men instead of persons of her own sex. She doesn't do girly talk. That language is completely unfamiliar to her. But Margaery, while not taking part in her hobbies, appreciates them, just like she appreciates Brienne.
And she is the number one source for Brienne to get advice on what to wear without looking like a drag.
Furthermore, Margaery, along with Renly and Loras, though he only did reluctantly, because he is a tough bone after all, was a great support for them ever since the incident. She even got them groceries in the early stages, when Brienne was rather reluctant to leave Jaime alone at all, and she didn't accept Brienne's continuous thank yous, stating that this was the least she could do.
"Yeah, right," Margaery snorts, pulling the tall woman inside.
"You know how I mean it," Brienne shrugs.
"Let's sit down and talk, c'mon," Margaery says, patting on the couch as she sits down, motioning at Brienne to do the same, which she does.
"Did you hear anything about the muggers yet?" Margaery asks.
"Nothing much. The problem is that we could only give vague details about height, probable weight, and stature. We aren't even sure how many it was. They are still looking for the weapon to somehow trace back to the owner, but Jaime and I only heard their voices at best. So we would have to hear them to know for certain," Brienne shrugs.
She shrugs a lot these days.
"But maybe they'll find the gun after all," Margaery offers.
"I hope so," Brienne shrugs… again.
She already starts to get shoulder pains from it.
"Though I still don't get it. You say they weren't after your money," Margaery makes a face. "I mean, isn't that what they always want?"
Brienne only talks about the matter if you poke her for it, so Margaery knows.
And she is very good at poking.
So she will poke around a bit.
"No, they just wanted… I don't know what they wanted, to be honest. They wanted to get to us. They are sadistic little shits, for all it matters. So I try not to find reason in what they've done," Brienne replies. "Because that would mean they actually had a reason to do that, at least in my view."
And they had no reason.
They had no right.
"Yeah, you're probably right," Margaery sighs.
"I will kill them, if they find them, once they find them. I will kill them. I will just kill them," Brienne says, her head lowered, her jaw set, fists clenching.
"Brienne," Margaery grimaces.
She knows her in a longer while, and she knows just how devoted Brienne is to her loved one's protection. Margaery can still vividly remember how she fought any person who dared to call Renly names in her presence when still in college, and from his stories ever since High School, and how many bloody noses that earned Brienne. Though things turned a lot darker with Jaime getting injured by the muggers. Now it's not just about wanting to protect him, it's about wanting to avenge him.
And Margaery honestly hopes that Brienne is smart enough not to do something reckless to achieve just that.
Because, sadly, she happens to be the type who is reckless enough in her love, in her will to fight and protect.
"How are you taking it? I mean, with the… with what they tried?" Margaery asks tentatively. She knows that Brienne hates to talk about such matters per se, but this is even touchier, but she reckons that Brienne doesn't touch that topic otherwise, and Margaery knows that this is something you don't just forget.
Brienne looks at her for a long moment.
"While no one tends to believe me, it didn't frighten me more than did the whole situation of being mugged by this gang. They didn't get to touch me in that way. So, to me, that was pretty much just words," Brienne admits truthfully with a roll of her shoulders. "The only thing I was concerned about was that it changed something about how Jaime looked at me, but, ugh… we kind of ruled that out by now."
"How is he?" Margaery asks.
Brienne just shrugs again, because that is all she can do these days, shrug, "He's still pretty much isolating himself in the apartment."
"Did you two talk yet?" Margaery asks.
"We try, we do… but it's… it's difficult. He tries not to…," Brienne says, her voice trailing off, and Margaery completes, "Treat you like shit?"
Brienne looks at her, but the other woman is not impressed, "What? He does, let's not pretend. I was over often enough to see and hear it."
Jaime was always into teasing, but now he is all into morbid humour directed at himself, though those bullets hit Brienne the same way.
"It has improved since," Brienne argues. "He makes an effort, he really does. It's just that talking about these matters or about matters of… you know, moving on or so… are topics that instantly brings back tension. So we end up fighting often enough. Though I rather fight with him than having him all lethargic."
She rather has him cursing than in some stupid bathtub, trying to sneak away.
"Well, but it can't stay that way," Margaery argues.
No, Brienne knows that it can't stay that way.
She does.
"He needs time. I mean… I talked to the doctors and they advised me to give him just that. And I try my best to do that, but I can't stand it to see him like this. I want him to move around again, I want him to move forward. I want to leave that behind and have a fresh start, but Jaime… I don't know, he seems to try to dream his hand back," she admits, allowing the words to come that Jaime either doesn't want to hear or doesn't get to hear because she can't talk to him.
Can't talk to him in that way.
She is not used to handling something that is suddenly so very fragile.
Someone who is suddenly a lot more fragile where he used to be unbreakable, like steel.
Brienne is clumsy.
How is she supposed to preserve something and keep it from fractures if she ends up stumbling and falling half of the time?
"You are doing a great job, Brie. I don't know many women who'd be that strong," Margaery argues, running her hand over the back of Brienne's.
"I don't feel strong. I feel like a failure. Because I don't get him out of that hole, no matter what I do. I mean… if I try to make him move, like I did with the prosthetics, he feels offended, believing that I only want him to cover up his injury or whatever… though he started reading the brochures at last… but I don't see that he will really act upon any of the offers any time soon… If I try to make him use his stump, he seems to be so frustrated with himself that he just gives up before he ever really tried, and with his left hand… well, he has to use it at some point, but when I tell him that he could do writing as an exercise or so, he just laughs at me sadly," Brienne grunts. "And if I just let him continue with his ways, I fear he'll never stop."
Margaery holds her hand, squeezing it with a sympathetic grimace.
Vicious cycles are so very... vicious.
"And Tyrion can't bring him to reason either?" she asks in a soft voice.
"No. Tyrion tries his best, but Jaime doesn't want to listen," Brienne shakes her head.
Tyrion has been going in and out of their apartment to knock sense into Jaime. He told him that he should attend business meetings with him, to offer him a new job perspective within the family business without Jaime being forced to talk to their Father about the matter, he talked to him about job opportunities within the police department, as a training supervisor at the academy, something of the like, he even suggested that Jaime should join Brienne as a security manager for the Baratheons. He wanted to take him out for drinks. He kicked against his shin more than once and called him a witless fool even more often.
But Jaime just took it all in, and left it there.
"I reckon therapy is no option for him either," Margaery makes a face.
"No, he hates psychologists. He thinks they will all try to hypnotise him. Though that is nothing new, he believes that ever since I know him," Brienne shrugs. "And I tend to agree."
To her, it's enough to pour her heart to friends, or even Jaime for the matter. Talking to a complete stranger just seems... completely strange.
"Did you two… you know?" Margaery tilts her head to the side.
"Yeah, a few times by now," Brienne admits much more openly than she ever dared to believe. She usually doesn't address such matters with other people, not even friends. Whenever sex became an issue during a discussion, Brienne usually found herself awkwardly shifting in her seat and blushing like a teenager. She only talked, if at all, with Jaime about these things, but since that proves to be very complicated lately, Brienne has no other option but to talk to other people about these matters.
Because she could really use some advice.
"Oh? Well?" Margaery blinks at her, and Brienne is glad for it that she doesn't really push her much.
"It's not how it used to be," she admits, not meeting the other woman's gaze. "Which would be fine to me, is fine to me, but it's not to Jaime. I reckon he wants to prove himself to me, only to pressure himself so that… why do I say that out loud now?"
"Because you can't talk to him, and because I am an expert in the field," Margaery winks at her with a grin.
"Whatever," Brienne chuckles, feeling some of the tension dissolve despite the small blush on her cheeks.
"But now in all sincerity, Brie. It's alright to talk about these things. I know that you like to keep things inside of you and let them boil for years, but this is not doing you any good. I see how downcast you are at work. Renly is more than concerned about you, you know that. Even my brother keeps asking about you, and that surely means something. We all see that you are unhappy," Margaery tells her.
"Well, this is no happy situation right now," Brienne argues.
"No, it's not, but it has been for a long time, without any significant change," Margaery tells her.
And Brienne tends to agree.
They had breakthroughs in little.
Up to that point, Jaime promised her not to die, he reads the brochures, and he tries to act civilly. But other than that? Nothing much changed yet.
They seem to be stuck, still.
"Did you ever consider that maybe you two need a… break?" Margaery then says, pulling Brienne out of her thoughts, "What?"
Margaery holds up her hands in surrender, "Please don't take offence in that. I don't say that you are unable to help him or that I think you don't love him. Anyone who believes that is a complete idiot."
"Then why would you say such a thing?" Brienne questions.
Because she loves this man. She'd love him if he had no arms or legs whatsoever, he'd love him if he was only a head, by the Gods, however foolish that may be.
"Because maybe that is what it'd take for Jaime to come out of his snail shell again. You are stuck. You say that yourself," Margaery explains.
"But I love him," Brienne argues.
She loves him.
If she didn't, she would have taken off by now.
Because Brienne is usually too proud to take pain at other people's hands without fighting back, but she accepts it coming from Jaime at this point because they love each other, because she really knows that he doesn't mean for any of this to happen, and that he wouldn't if he found the strength to stop, or to move on.
"I know that, but you also have to think about yourself, Brie. And right now, you only sacrifice yourself for him," Margaery argues. "That's not healthy for you."
"Of course I do, because I love him," Brienne repeats stubbornly.
"Jaime can go on with his ways because he knows you there, or so I think. Because he gets to treat you like shit, and gets away with it, because he knows that you'll stick around no matter what he does. Maybe he has to realise again that such behaviour has consequences. And the one drastic consequence is to tell him that you'll leave or at least take a break if he doesn't move forward in some way," Margaery says. "And I'm speaking to you as your friend, Brienne. Because I'm concerned about you. Just like you should be concerned about yourself again."
"I don't want to pressure him. And I don't think an ultimatum will do him any good," Brienne shakes her head.
"You have to pressure him, Brienne. Or else he will just go on as he does," the other woman insists.
"I won't give him an ultimatum," Brienne declares determinedly.
"Why?" Margaery asks.
"Because I love him," Brienne shrugs.
"Brienne," Margaery sighs, but the tall woman goes on, "No, you don't understand. I fear that if I were to give him an ultimatum, he would… let me go."
"You mean…," Margaery looks at her, and she nods solemnly, "I think that if I leave him, he will leave me. I think he won't come after me. And I can't afford that, because no matter what this blatant idiot of a man does, I love him. And I don't want to lose him. I almost lost him that night, I can't ever have that again. Ever."
That is a fear she doesn't want to feel ever again.
Ever.
Ever.
Ever.
She never wants to feel the way she did back in the alley when the men left and she held on to Jaime, trying to stop the bleeding, trying to keep him alive. She never wants to feel like she did in the hospital, sitting on those hideous, uncomfortable, orange plastic chairs and wait for news, waiting for others to save the man she couldn't keep safe.
Brienne never wants to feel like that ever again.
"He doesn't know just how lucky he is with you," Margaery snorts. "But Brienne, you have to think about yourself, too."
"That is what I do," Brienne says simply – and that is when Margaery nods, understanding, "Because you make sure that you get what you need. Him."
"Yes," Brienne agrees.
"How about wine, or even better, hard liquors?" Margaery asks, getting up.
"Yes."