Here's the latest. I hope you enjoy and please remember to review! I haven't been getting a lot of reviews lately and I honestly do value you guys' opinions. Also, sorry for any grammatical mistakes or spelling mistakes. I was rushing while typing this.
I was beginning to realize how much music helped me calm down. I've always listened to music; I was a cheerleader and music plays a big part in cheerleading. But I've never actually listened to music. I've never discovered how much meaning there was behind simple lyrics in a song. Listening to music made me less angry; less sad. And it was miracle to not feel sad because I felt it. Everyday. I feel the eeriness of despair all the time and no matter how much I try to mask it up with anger and hostility, it's still there. I'm so terrified of myself that it's actually questionable to how I haven't gone crazy already. Or have I? Have I gone mad? I don't think I have, but how could you ever truly know if you're crazy or not? It's a seriously bold question, a question that I couldn't answer. I sound ridiculous I know, but it's how I truly feel. And all I felt like doing now was crying, but I didn't want to to cry. Pussies cry and shit, I am done being a pussy. I felt like talking. Just venting to someone; and I knew just who I wanted to vent too.
Xxxx
Ironically I found myself at the boardinghouse, which was pretty pathetic in my opinion. Feeling oddly sheepish and vulnerable I knocked on the door. My guard was still up, but I knew who I wanted to talk to. I wanted to talk to him. The door knob turned slowly and the sounds of the creaky door hinges made me cringe. I stood in front of him, wearing a weary smile. His eyes were so commanding and bold that I had to shy away from his gaze.
"Bonnie." He said with a surprised look on his face. Shit, I couldn't blame him for being surprised to see me. If I was in his position I'd feel the same way.
"Hey…Stefan." I breathed.
He wore gray baggy sweatpants that hung low on his waist with a plain white v-neck. It was odd seeing Stefan so homey. He extended his arm and motioned me indoors. I strutted in the house like I owned the place and sat right down on the sofa waiting for Stefan to take his seat as well. "Is Damon here? I questioned as he plopped down next to me at a respectable distance. "No he's not." Stefan replied. "But from what I've heard lately, I don't think you're here to see Damon." "God no, I'm not. I'm here to see you Stefan."
Stefan's eyebrows hitched up so high to his forehead, they nearly got lost in his bangs. "Why are you here to see me?"
"Because I want to…er..talk?" I said with reluctance. My ego was way too big for my own good. "Talk?" He snickered. "Okay," he then deadpanned. "Let's talk." He crossed his arms over his chest and waited for me to speak.
"God I feel so weird. Coming to you like this." I confessed.
"Why?"
"Because it's stupid. I feel like a hypocrite for hating everybody else, but I'm here talking to you when I know you're just as full as shit and they are."
"So why are you here?" He questioned. Stefan didn't comment on my bluntness which want really surprising. I knew that Stefan was a very patient guy so I knew what I was getting myself into my talking to him.
"Because…" I started, "everything you said about me feeling like crap was true. And I knew that I could actually talk to you about it." Stefan didn't didn't reply and merely nodded in continuation. "Everything is shit. Every fucking thing. I have nobody. And it's ironic, huh? I was brought up to be independent. My mom left me, my dad didn't care too much about me; he was never really home. All I had was my Grams. And when she was taken from me, God. Jesus fucking Christ." I took a deep breath as tears threatened to escape my eyes. But I wasn't crying. Fuck no. I wasn't a pussy. I cleared my throat and got my bearings together.
Without looking at Stefan, I continued. "And here I am today. God your brother really fucked me up. He really did. Damon is under my skin. He's like a cold you can't ever get rid of. Damon. It's Damon, Damon, Damon. Damon fucking Salvatore." I ran my hands through my hair furiously. I was really debating on what to say next.
"Your brother…broke me," I croaked. "He actually lead me to believe that he cared about me. But nope," I said while wagging a finger in the air. "He doesn't. All he cares about is himself." I growled. "And I'm tired Stefan. I'm exhausted. I try not to care but damn it I care so much. I care about every single one of them; Elena, Jeremy, Caroline. And that's the problem because I don't want to care about them. But caring about them is like..an engraving on my skin." Fuck I'm rambling. Bonnie shut up. I cleared my throat and waited for Stefan's scrutiny.
"Bonnie," he began while raising my chin up to met his eyes. "I don't think you know how many times I've felt that way before. I've lived a long life and I can say with open honesty that I've wanted to hate Damon. Even Elena." My face twisted with confusion. "Elena?" I questioned. "Yup," Stefan said in a defeated tone. "She turned out to be everything I thought she wasn't. Katherine." I winced in response. Shit, that was a low blow but it was true. "You're right. Elena is hardly even recognizable."
"Honestly Bonnie, I'm glad you came to me. I'm glad you trusted me enough." Stefan said with a genuine smile on his face. I smiled back. "Yeah me too. But this still doesn't get you off the hook. You're still an asshole and I still hate you. Slightly less than the others, but hate nonetheless." Stefan chuckled and shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat." And that day, I left feeling a little more…lighter.
Xxxx
Walking back from the Salvatore house was oddly relaxing. I felt the most relaxed in months. I had forgotten how that felt, just to be less angry and less sad. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jumping with joy and I'm not going to go skipping through the fields, but I did feel a bit better. And I wanted to hold on to that feeling as long as I could because I knew in due time it would be gone. And as soon as I turned the corner to my house the feeling of relaxation and calamity was out the window. All I felt was disgust and anger and I made eye contact with Kai. He was wearing dark jeans with the cuffs rolled up with black combat boots and a trench coat. If he wasn't a psychopath he would be actually good looking. I mean he already was, but the psychopathic I-wanna-kill-you- trait was a deal breaker.
I walked up to him with my chin raised and my eyes blazing. I growled underneath my breath because he was sitting on my doorstep which meant that he broke through my supernatural free barrier. Kai stood up and wore a sheepish look on his face as we stood toe to toe. He looked down on me with his brown eyes and chiseled jaw. He had slight razor bumps from shaving along his chin and a little stubble upon his upper lip. I stuck my hands into my pockets as I broke our stare down. "Any particular reason why you're here, Kai? And how did you even know where I lived?" I asked with an attitude.
He cleared his throat and I watched as his Adam's apple throbbed as he gulped. "W-well, I came to see you," he stammered.
"Why? What the hell do you want?" He took a deep breath. "I want to apologize, Bonnie. Everything that I did in 1994 was…terrible. That doesn't even describe it; I was awful to you, Bon. You didn't deserve any of it. You're a good person Bonnie, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. And I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me."
I stayed quiet for a minute. I took in his facial features; he looked sullen and he had bags underneath his eyes. He looked like he hasn't slept for days . His eyes were wide and his lips were parted. In all honesty, he looked quite….sincere. He looked genuine and seemed genuine, but I knew better. I nodded my head and sucked my teeth. "This 'apology' is coming from the guy who literally switched personalities overnight. Come on, you can't be serious." Kai's face twisted into confusion and disappointment and a sense of…hurt? "But I am serious. Very serious. You're all I can think about, Bonnie. You have to believe me." He pleaded.
"Believe you?" I yelped. This was so fucking absurd. "You expect me to believe in you when you literally pulled the same shit on me before? Back in the prison world you fed me a little sob story about your family. And then you stabbed me and stole my blood and left me there. And the shittiest thing about it is that I actually felt bad for you. I pitied you. But guess what? That pity sure as shit didn't get me anywhere."
"I'm not the same person anymore," he said through gritted teeth. "You have to give me a chance."
"I don't owe you shit Kai!" I screamed. "I don't have to do anything for you or concerning you." Kai ran a hand through his hair in frustration. If he actually thought that shit was going to be easy between us, he had another thing coming.
"Bon-nie," he said while a pronouncing every letter in my name. "You're quite the challenge. And I like a challenge." I scoffed at his response. Instead of of replying back I pushed past him and entered my house. I locked the door and breathed out through my mouth. Was I ever going to get a break? I had a psychopath outside of my house trying to be bff's and a mixture of desperation, loneliness, and despair crawling up my back. I was battling my emotions; my anger and sadness were in competition and I couldn't tell which one was beating which, and I didn't know how to handle any of it. I was spiraling. My brain was fuzzy and my eyes were foggy and all I could think about was trying to stay in control. But I was losing, and I was losing bad. The heaviest thing on my mind was when would I completely lose? And what would be the outcome of it?