AN: Okay, so now it's time for the next letter. Who do you think it's going to be? Any guess? Well, let's see if you're right. Just a heads up, I'm not good at magical fights, but I tried.
By the time Dean gets back to his dorm, his anger has calmed down. He isn't quite as angry as he is hurt. He feels selfish for feeling this way when it's Sam that was hurt. Far more hurt than anyone should ever feel. He couldn't understand why someone would hurt him. He knew that Malfoy was an asshole, but he didn't think the guy was capable of abuse and rape.
Dean fell back on his bed and shut his eyes. All that anger he felt left him exhausted. Even though he wasn't as angry, he was still hell bent on going through what he said he would. No matter what, he was going to kill Malfoy and everyone else that was responsible for Sam's suicide. He didn't think he would grow up to become a murderer, but for Sam... he would do anything.
Logic and morals told him that the right thing to do would be to report Malfoy and everyone else to the Headmaster, and let justice take care of it. Being raised by muggles, Dean was always taught that no matter how hard it was, one must always do the right thing. Even if no one else stood by you, doing the right thing was far more important than doing what was easy.
The thing is, Dean didn't want to do the right thing. It didn't matter if he was only sixteen and Sam was only fourteen, Dean was in love with him. Regardless if Sam didn't come out and say who it was that he was in love with, Dean felt it. Maybe it was just wishful thinking, but it was what Dean believed. Even if he wasn't the one Sam loved, Dean was in love with him. He was still going to go through with what he felt needed to be done.
Dean loved Sam more than he ever thought possible, so because of that love he was going to seek revenge on every single person that hurt Sam. When it was all over and done with, Dean would gladly turn himself in, and live with what he's done. Death was too easy for him. Even though Dean didn't know exactly what he had done to earn a place on Sam's list, Dean knew that it was his fault that Sam was even dead in the first place. If he had just listened to Benny and told Sam what he was feeling, then maybe Sam would be happy and alive.
He felt tears stinging his eyes, and before he could stop it they came out. It wasn't as strong as it was in the Great Hall, but it was just as painful. Sam was dead, and Dean wanted nothing more than to be given a second chance. He wanted a chance to be there for Sam, and claim him. He swore that if he had known, he would be more than willing to spend the rest of his life making Sam smile every day.
If he had known Sam was suicidal, Dean would spend every day of their lives making Sam as happy as he could be. If he had known, he would've -
"Figured that we would be much older before you had your first meltdown."
Dean didn't need to open his eyes to know who it was. Before he could say anything, he heard the door open and close. He was alone once again. He didn't know how he felt about that. Maybe he should've thought twice about thinking that he didn't need a friend.
When he was calm enough, Dean grabbed the next letter along with the map. He was about to read it, when he felt his stomach growl. He groaned. He didn't want anymore interruptions. He just wanted to get through the letters and go on his killing spree. He didn't care one bit that it wouldn't bring Sam back, but at least Sam would know wherever he was that everyone who had hurt him had been dealt with.
"Sorry, Sam," he whispered to the letter. "I have to keep up my strength if I'm going to get through this."
This time when he was making his way down to dinner, Dean ignored everyone who said hello to him or wanted to speak with him. Right now, he just wanted to get something into his system and continue with this heart breaking journey.
As he followed the other students, he saw a head of blonde hair. Seeing who that hair belonged to, he picked up his pace. When he was close enough, he purposely pushed him. Hard enough to fall into his followers. Everyone around who saw stopped. Dean hated it when students wanted to see drama.
Malfoy righted himself out. He obviously didn't see who it was that shoved him. He looked around until his heart skipped a beat. His eyes widened in fear at seeing him stand in front of him. Trying to keep up appearances, he brushed off his robes and put on his signature look like he was better than everyone else.
"What the hell was that for? How dare you touch me you filthy disgusting Mudblood," Malfoy spat at him. He pulled out his wand, but didn't point it at him.
Dean ignored all the looks they both received. He didn't go for his wand. He didn't need it. Dean ignored the insult not caring in the least of what he was called. He didn't understand why so many muggle borns cried when they were called that. It was just a word. Dean knew he was special and worth something when he found out he could do magic. He didn't go around shoving it in his family's faces since they couldn't do what he could. He was proud of his muggle family, and his magic. He was just ashamed that none of the others were as well.
He sneered at Malfoy. He could see a couple teachers making their way to them. He shook his head, "What's the matter, Malfoy? Can't take what you dish out?" He turned his back on him before he did something he was going to regret doing too soon.
Dean could tell by the look on Malfoy's face that he hit a nerve. "Why, you- Defindo!"
Dean heard the spell, and everyone's gasps. He was about to pull out his wand, but a shield was conjured and blocked the spell. Since he was a sixth year, he had been working on wordless magic. He could do a few spells here and there, but he was much better at wandless magic than he was wordless. The color of the shield wasn't his own. It was an ocean blue while his was an emerald green. He looked around to find the caster, but no one stepped forward.
Snape had taken that moment to make his appearance. The crowd dispersed but a few students were staring at Dean. He was of course given another detention, but he didn't care. It wasn't as if he was going to go. Sam's letters were more important than some silly detention. He glared at Malfoy before joining the others.
Dean sat at his usual spot, but he didn't speak to anyone and no one seemed to speak to him. Which was fine by him; he wasn't in the mood to pretend like everything was fine. He looked around and spotted Malfoy eating his food. While Dean and Malfoy were glaring at each other, he didn't realize that he was being watched... and it wasn't by a teacher.
As Dean finished his food, he went to go make his way out. All throughout dinner, all he kept hearing were people talking about the tournament. Before the letters showed up, he was actually quite excited just like everyone else. He was looking forward to seeing the challenges, and to root for the Hogwarts Champion. He just wanted a normal school year. He didn't want to hear about the Golden Trio stopping another evil or how much they broke the rules and cost their House more points. Obviously that wasn't going to be this year. Was it strange that even though he wanted a normal school year, he wasn't upset that it wouldn't be this year?
While the other students were worrying about the tournament, Dean was worried about the letters. He wanted to know why he was on there already. He wanted to get his over with. Maybe he would already know if the letters weren't sealed until the previous was read. In a way he was glad because he wanted to do exactly what Sam wanted him to do.
He frowned. Why couldn't something go right for him in the way of love? He wanted everything Sam wanted. He knew deep down that if there was anything in the world that would give him another chance at Sam, he would take it in a heartbeat. He loved his magic, and that it was a part of him. Dean loved Sam so much that if it would bring Sam back, he would be more than willing give up his magic.
He stopped when he heard that it was time to find out who the champions were going to be. He groaned. He had forgotten it was already around the time that the names would be announced. He figured that he would hear about it later, so there was no need to stay. But then he heard that everyone was to stay and listen.
"Dammit," Dean said under his breath. "This better not fucking take too long."
Dean stayed in the back, and leaned up against the wall as he watched Dumbledore dim the room. Despite him wanting to continue the letters, he couldn't deny that he was slightly interested in who it was going to be just like everyone else. When the Goblet shot out the first name, he waited.
Just when he was about to hear who was the first champion, he felt someone stand beside him. He didn't have to look to see who it was. The atmosphere around him already told him exactly who it was. He wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone at the moment.
"What do you want?" Dean asked as he saw Viktor Krum shake Dumbledore's hand.
Castiel chuckled shaking his head. "Why is it that every time I come over to you, you think I want something?"
Dean turned to him, "Don't you? We haven't spoken to each other since last year, now out of nowhere you come up to me like we're friends." He turned his whole body to face him. "We're not friends anymore, Cas. We stopped being friends when you stopped hanging out with me because I couldn't go out with you."
Castiel just stared back at him like he wasn't bothered by what Dean was saying. "I still love you, Dean."
Dean rolled his eyes. "My feelings haven't changed in the last three years, and they're not going to change just because you love me. Maybe in another life we could've been. Maybe if Sam never came to this school I could've fallen for you, but he did. I belong to Sam in every way."
Castiel leaned into Dean's face. Dean could swear that Castiel wanted to kiss him, but he didn't move. Castiel's gaze never left his, and Dean never looked away. Castiel was very close to his lips when he stopped. He whispered, "Then where is he?"
It was bad enough that he knew what happened to Sam, but to hear something that reminded him of it only angered him. He shoved Castiel away staring daggers at him.
"Be thankful we were once friends, otherwise you will have first hand knowledge how far more deadly being raised with muggles can be. But know this," Dean walked up to him and pushed him against the wall. His face was only inches away from Castiel's, "If you speak about Sam once more, I have no problems making it thirteen."
Dean didn't care that Castiel would have no idea what that meant, the only thing that mattered was that he did. They heard Cedric Diggory's name being called. Now he could leave. The three champions have been chosen. He went to turn away when Dumbledore spoke to the students. He didn't care what the old man was saying. He was angered with the Headmaster just as much as he was with Malfoy... just as much as he was going to be with the remaining eleven.
The Headmaster should've known what was going on. He should know what goes on in his school. He should know everything that happens to keep his students safe. Dean had a feeling why the Headmaster either didn't know or ignored it, and that only made him furious.
He stopped in his tracks when the Goblet lit up and shot out another name. He furrowed his brows. Wasn't there only supposed to be three? He was just as confused as the other students. He was just about to sit down when the Headmaster called out the fourth.
"Harry Potter!"
Dean rolled his eyes once again. Unlike the rest of the students and the staff, he wasn't surprised. Every year since the kid showed up something has happened. Why would this year be any different?
He shook his head, "Only makes sense that our 'Savior' be entered into the tournament."
Sitting down, he watched as Potter slowly made his way to Dumbledore. By the looks on his face, Dean could see that he had no knowledge of his name being entered.
As soon as Potter went down with the other three champions, protests from all over broke out. He sat where he was in case he had to leave to another location. He just hoped that it was somewhere he could actually go to. He pulled out the letter and braced himself. He already knew that his anger was going to shoot through the roof, so he took several deep breaths.
When I made the list of people that were going to be included, I was very surprised on who I came up with. Okay, I was only surprised about certain people. I mean, no one would expect that she did something to me. Even I had to go back and be sure that this wasn't a mistake. But nope... no mistake.
Dean didn't know if he was relieved or disappointed that this wasn't him. Disappointed only because he would have to wait that much longer. It was strange how he had been wanting to get his letter over with, but he was relieved that it wasn't his turn yet. He wanted to get his over with, but he knew that he wasn't ready.
When I first got on the train, I had hoped and prayed like hell that I would make friends. I needed them as much as I needed air. I didn't want to be alone. I was already feeling so much pressure from my family to be placed in Gryffindor or Ravenclaw. Honestly, I didn't care where I was put. Hell I could've been placed in Hufflepuff, and I would've been happy. I just wanted friends. One friend would've been enough.
In my first year... nothing. I didn't have friends. I thought I did... I thought I had made friends, but I was wrong. I guess it was mostly because I was a Slytherin, and one that didn't even come from a family of Slytherins. So not even my House seemed eager to be my friend.
But then in my second year, I met her. She seemed so nice and gentle. It didn't seem like she cared about what House I was in or who my family was. When I first spoke to her, I thought, "Finally! I have a friend." You wouldn't believe how happy I was.
If you were to look up the word friend, you would find, "a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations."
That's what I wanted... that's what I thought I had with her. After I started going out with Draco, things weren't to the point I had to be with him all the time... at least not for some time. So I was able to talk to her. It felt nice.
Just by that definition, friends are supposed to stick by you and be there for you. If not, why lie and say your friends at all?
Now don't get me wrong, I didn't expect everyone I called a friend to be like that, I wasn't stupid. Despite me dreaming of being with him everyday since I first saw him, I knew how to be realistic, but I did expect that after some time when you build a level of trust, you can expect that, right?
So, what happened? Why did you do that to me? I thought you of all people wanted a friend just like me. So you're next... Luna Lovegood.
Dean gasped.
Dean sat there listening to everyone complain and protest that Potter was able to enter when none of the other underage students were able to. He rolled his eyes. As the teachers went down with the champions, Dean went to the letter.
Out everyone he expected to be on this list, Luna wasn't even on his mind. He only ever spoken to Luna maybe once or twice, and when he did she was a very sweet girl. When he spoke to her, he could see where people would get the idea that she was loony, but he thought that's what made her unique. She would tell him that he had some kind of creature in his ear. He humored her and said that he would go to the Hospital Wing to get it checked out.
To think that she played a part in Sam's death. He rubbed his forehead feeling tired. He couldn't believe that such a sweet girl was a part of this. He shook his head. No. It didn't matter if she was a sweet girl or how unique she was, the point was that for whatever reason, she was on this list. Whatever she did hurt Sam enough to earn a place with the rest of them.
Luna, I didn't want you to be on this list. I tried to find someone else that played a part in this to take your place, but I couldn't. Not because I couldn't find anyone (believe me, I found others), but because I couldn't let you off the hook when I didn't let the others off. That wouldn't be very fair, would it? I can't let you live your life without knowing that you were a part of this.
Dean sighed heavily. What did I do to you Sam?
I know you know what you did to earn your place on here, and maybe it wasn't as serious as Draco's. In fact I know it isn't. What you did isn't as bad as being raped or seeing your hopes set on fire. But I want you and everyone else to understand, that nothing no matter how big or small, good or bad is without consequences.
Let's backtrack. I don't want to explain what you did and what it caused without letting you know how I felt when we met and everything in between. You didn't listen to me when it could've made a huge difference, so you owe me that much to listen to me now.
When I met you, I have to say I was happy. When you spoke to me even knowing what House I was in, I thought we were going to be friends. I saw you being picked on by others, most of them were from my own House. I saw that you didn't have friends. You did speak to other girls, but I could tell they weren't your friends. I didn't care that you were a girl, I just knew you needed a friend just as much as I did, and I wanted to be that friend.
Go to the next point.
Dean checked the map, and saw that it was Transfiguration. He furrowed his brows. What could've happened there? Dean shrugged his shoulders. Right now it didn't matter. If Sam wanted him to go there, then he would. He ignored the students still talking amongst themselves.
As he was walking down to Transfiguration, he could feel his heart beating. What happened there that would have such an imprint on Sam's life? What did Luna do there? He bit his lip preventing himself from crying. He was tired of crying. He just wanted the hurt to be over.
He finally made it to Lupin's classroom. He went to open the door, but it was locked. He frowned. He peered inside and didn't see anyone. He rolled his eyes. Of course there wouldn't be anyone in there. He was with the other teachers.
He leaned against the wall and slid down. If he couldn't go inside, then he would just have to stay here. It was the best that he was going to be able to do.
So, hopefully you're at Transfiguration. Luna, do you remember when I first told you I was gay? I remember I asked you if you were okay with it. I laughed at your response. Do you remember what you said.
You said, "What's that?"
I thought you were joking, but from the way you were looking at me, I could tell you weren't. So even though I thought it was funny, I explained it to you. I told you that being gay is when you like a person of the same gender. So for me, it was me liking another boy.
When I told you that, you smiled brightly. If I didn't love him, or guys in general, I think maybe I could've liked you. You were pretty, you were nice, and you liked me even though I was a Slytherin. Maybe if I wasn't gay, I could've... no... that's not true. Because even if I didn't see him when I first walked through the Great Hall, or became your friend first before I saw him and we grew to like each other, he would still be out there.
I'm still here, Sam.
Anyway, you told me that you didn't mind. You said, "If you like another boy, and that made you happy then so am I."
Right there, I knew you would be my friend.
Dean couldn't help but smile. He was happy for Sam, because even though he wanted nothing more than to have gone up to him and became his friend, he was glad that someone else was able to. If anyone needed a friend, he knew it was Sam. He felt extremely guilty at that, because if he hadn't been so scared that could've been him.
Maybe that was why he didn't deserve Sam's love and devotion.
I remember when we were outside, and it was just the two of us, I told you my most precious secret. We weren't friends for that long, but I felt I could trust you. I told you about him. I told you that I was in love with him, even though I was going out with Draco at the time.
You told me, "You should tell him. Sam, you're a great guy. You shouldn't be with someone who you don't have any feelings for. That isn't fair to Draco."
I understood that. Even though Draco wasn't the nicest guy at school, it wouldn't be fair. So, I explained to you as best as I could. "I'm scared that he wouldn't like me back. I love him more than anything in the world. More than my family. More than myself. And if he were to reject me, I don't know what I would do. I'm scared that he doesn't even like guys."
Yes! Sam, I do like guys, but I love you.
When I told you that, you even offered to go to him and find out. I was very tempted, but I was too scared of what his answer would be.
I felt really bad after that talk, because I realized you liked me as more than a friend even though you knew I liked guys, and yet I still told you about my feelings for him. I'm sorry, Luna. I knew you were hurt that I couldn't return your feelings, but you and I both know that that didn't give you the right to hurt me.
What the fuck did you do, Luna?
Luna, do you remember that day you and I were walking and we ran into Draco? I don't know what gave him the idea, but for some reason he thought I was making fun of you. You were my friend, I could never do that.
He came up to us and started calling you Loony. When that didn't get a reaction out of you, he said other things. Things that made me uncomfortable. I-
I have to stop for a moment, because that day... I forgot the meaning of 'friend'. Why? Because I'm ashamed to say I didn't say anything to defend you. I knew that hurt you more than what Draco was saying to you.
From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry, Luna. You have no idea how badly I wanted to defend you. You were my first friend, and I couldn't even protect you against my boyfriend. I wanted nothing more than to yell at him and go off with you. I'm so sorry to say I didn't. I may not have went along with him, but I didn't stop him either.
No one's perfect, Sam. We all make mistakes.
I couldn't say anything, not because I didn't want to, but because I was scared. It's no excuse not to defend your friend, but I was. I was scared of what he would do or say. Not many people know this, mostly because it's only my House that do and don't talk about it, but the other Houses are not the only ones that get bullied by Slytherin. There are some Slytherins, myself included, that do too.
It's not the best reason to explain myself, but at the time it was the only reason.
After you took off crying I was very ashamed of myself, and I wanted to go after you but I had to go with Draco. The next day, I went to go look for you, because I couldn't find you anywhere. I went looking for you whenever I could, but for the life of me I couldn't.
When the day was over, I was on my way back to the common room hoping that I would find you the next day. I heard Pansy and her friends laughing. I wasn't great friends with them, but because they were with Draco I still had to speak with them. I went up to them, but it turned out they were laughing at you.
When I saw that I was like, "Here's my chance to make it up to you." Believe me, I was going to do exactly that. I didn't care if Draco broke up with me, or I would be bullied even more by my House. You were my friend, and I really cared about you. So, when I came up to you guys, I heard her call you a nasty name.
"Pansy, stop it. Let's just go before a teacher catches us. You don't need another detention."
Okay, so that didn't go exactly how I wanted it to, but I don't like confrontations. Maybe I'm stupid, but I was taught by my family that one must always be loyal to their House. Even McGonagall told us that our House is like our family. I didn't want them to hurt you, but I couldn't just brush that off like it was nothing. I'm loyal to my friends, but a part of me believes that no matter how wrong they are, I have to show some loyalty to my House.
Dean frowned. He remembered very well when McGonagall told him and the others from his year that their House is like their family. Dean agreed that one must show loyalty to their family, but he wouldn't go so far as to call his House his family. A majority of them were just as terrible as the other Houses. If someone wanted his loyalty, they have to deserve it.
Maybe I was wrong, and you don't belong on here. Maybe I was just hurt so bad that I overlooked what you did. Maybe you were just doing what you did, because I was such a horrible friend to you. You tell me? I mean, come on. What you did wasn't that bad. I mean, I was raped, bullied, abandoned, humiliated, so what you did wasn't that bad.
On the other hand you still got these letters, didn't you?
I don't know if you know this, but Pansy and her friends were done with you that night. We were all going to leave, and I was going to try and find a way to apologize to you concerning what happened with Draco. Then again, Pansy and her friends have to keep up appearances especially in front of others that are not in our House.
"What's wrong with you, Sam? You protecting Loony Lovegood here? You're supposed to be with us. Where the hell does your loyalties lie?"
Like I said, I have to show some sense of loyalty to my House as well as my friends.
"I'm loyal to Slytherin just as much as you are." I told her. "Which is why I don't want you to get caught and be given another detention. We're already losing to Gryffindor as it is. But she's my-"
But you didn't give me the chance to finish. I was going to do exactly what I planned to do when I saw her hurting you. I was going to do exactly what I wanted to do the night before, but you didn't give me that opportunity.
Not many of you know about muggle games and toys, but I do. I've had muggles in my family, or muggles who were friends of my family. Do you remember in my previous letter, I mentioned that Draco was the first domino? Well, sometimes muggle children and even some adults like to set the dominoes up and they knock over the first one which knocks over the rest. That's kind of like this.
In case you don't understand, I'll try to explain. I sent out thirteen letters to thirteen people. Twelve of you and what you did represent one domino. You guys are set up to fall when the first one does. Draco was the first, but you have to realize that there are twelve dominoes. So, that means that one of you had to have to set up the whole thing. That's where you come in, Luna. What you did set the whole thing up.
Do you remember what you did? I do. How could I not?
You were crying. You didn't give me the chance to finish because you cut me off. You yelled at us and said, "I can't believe I actually thought you were my friend, you evil snake! I can't believe I liked you. I thought you were different."
Out of everything to be called, evil snake wasn't that bad. I tried to explain to you, but you shoved me still crying. Seeing the way you were made me want to cry. You of all people should never shed a tear, but you still didn't let me talk.
"I never want to be your friend again. You and Malfoy are perfect for each other. You're both evil people. You don't deserve to have him love you! He will never love you, because all you'll have is Malfoy by your side. I hate you!"
And you ran off. I called after you, but you ignored me.
You know what? I could've handled that. If you had told me that when it was just us two that would've been the end of it. Even if I didn't want to, I would've left you alone. Since it wasn't just us... since it was around someone who was good friends with Draco, that was nowhere near the end of it. It was the end of us, but it was just the beginning of two years of hell.
I found out later that Pansy told Draco what you said. Did I ever mention that Draco had no idea that I was in love with someone else before that day? After that was when he began to yell at me. Sure he was controlling, and bossy but he never yelled at me. What you said led to Draco's letter. So, thank you Luna.
Dean sighed. He was angry with Luna for what she did, but he can't completely fault her for her actions. What she did she did because she was angry with Sam, and she figured that the best way to hurt him would be to voice his secret. He didn't know how many times he said something to another person just because he was angry. Hell, he threatened Benny because he was angry.
Nevertheless, her actions had a ripple effect. If she didn't say anything, Pansy wouldn't have known so therefore she wouldn't have said anything to Draco. Which meant that Draco never would've found out about Sam's feelings for him.
He shook his head, and wiped away the few tears that fell. Luna may have done something because she was upset, but it still doesn't change the fact that what she did played a big part in the events leading to Sam's suicide.
Even though Luna seemed like a nice girl, she was number two on Dean's list.
From the bottom of my broken and damaged heart, I thank you Luna. I thank you for not letting me finish speaking with Pansy that day. I thank you for not even giving me the chance to defend why I said what I said to her.
I told you my greatest fear. I trusted you to keep it. Even if you hated me, I trusted you to not speak a word of it. That fear was that I was scared that he will never love me. What hurt me the most was that you threw my own fear back in my face. Every time after that when I saw him, your words would never leave my head. It was bad enough that I feared that, but it was even worse when I trusted you and you hurt me with my own fear.
I still believe that he would love me one day. My heart believed that he was mine, and that I was his. But... your words were still there.
So, to bring this letter to an end, I thank you Luna for telling my precious secret in front of a girl that is jealous of me and hates me because she wanted to be with Draco.
Dean bowed his head, and let out his tears. He's cried more in one day than he has in all of his life. The sad part is... he's not even half way done.
AN: Thanks for reading. Until next time. -Kauri510