"We have to get up don't we?" Clarke groans.
"Sssshhh" I say. But I know what she says is true. Today of all days I cannot lie in bed. Clarke's head is resting on my chest. She looks up at me and smiles.
"Yes we do" I say simply. "Today is my ascension day".
Clarke's eyebrows rise up. I know she does not believe in the commanders spirit or what I have told her about our beliefs. She tries but she can't. She has a lifetime of science built into her perception of life. Ascension, the flame, it all sounds like mumbo jumbo to her I know. But she tries to be polite and she learns not because she believes but because she wants to learn about our way of life.
"Ah yes the day where you slaughtered all the other night bloods. What a thing to celebrate" she mocks.
"We honour those who died in the conclave." Fighting down my frustration I say. "Victory is built on the back of sacrifice".
Clarke shakes her head and sits up. She will not understand this. I know she thinks our ways are brutal savage even. I have often thought the same and I was raised in this world. Why would Clarke accept the conclave? Clarke who kills only when she needs to. Clarke who is haunted by all of the death.
I watch as Clarke turns away from me. I reach out and touch her spine. She shivers as she looks back at me.
" I know it's difficult for you to accept. But these traditions are how we survive." She nods once. I know she understands my reasoning but she does not accept it or believe it.
She steps away from the bed and pulls the cloak that I had placed around her shoulders last night around her. I follow and stand behind her.
"Why does everyone in this place always talk about death all the damn time?" She asks in frustration.
I laugh. I don't mean to. Dealing with all this death is a hard thing for Clarke I know.
" I am sorry Clarke." I put my arms around her. She pulls away from me. Her eyes are alive.
"It's not funny. I don't want to loose you Lexa. All we experience every day is the threat of death. "
I take her face in my hands and say "Death is not the end". I kiss her then trying to make her forget. To reassure her. I try to tell her I will never leave her even if I die. The next commander will protect her. She kisses me back. Desperately. Clarke has known so much loss since she came to the ground. It is as if she thinks if she kisses me in such a way, she can keep me here, keep me tethered to life.
Suddenly her tongue is in my mouth insistent. She slams me into my bed post and suddenly her fingers are in my hair and my hands are on her.
"I can't" I manage to force out. She doesn't stop and I don't want her too. She is on top of me kissing my neck her hands on my hips.
"Clarke" I moan.
"Tell me to stop and I will stop" she looks at me her face inches from mine. Damn it. I pull her towards me and give into weakness once again.
Clarke walked into the throne room and knelt before Lexa. She looked up at her and smiled. Lexa fought to keep her face completely impassive. "Rise Ambassador" she says to me. She doesn't smile at me but her eyes do. I nod and rise talking my place to the right of her throne.
I am highly skeptical that I will enjoy anything about this day but I am interested. I know for us to survive here we must try and learn. They honour those who die in the conclave Lexa had told her this morning. Clarke felt a better way of honouring them might have been not to kill them at all but hey.
Suddenly there is a loud commotion. And Octavia is thrown to the floor. I move towards her immediately.
"What is the meaning of this?" Lexa demands.
I stop. I know I have to let Lexa handle this. I can't interfere. Most of the clans already think we already have too much influence. I try to catch Octavia's eyes. I try to let her know Lexa will not harm her.
I listen and all I can think is that I will kill Pike for this. Lexa forgave them and now he has attacked again. Lexa is in danger. I feel sick. She will have no choice but to act. I look at Lexa and I can see she is furious.
"Ungag her now" she says. Titus moves forward and pulls the gag out of her mouth. "Speak" Lexa snaps.
I watch as Octavia speaks entirely in a language I do not understand.
"Heda, Pike Kum Skykru, plans to attack our people. I knew he was planning to attack this village and I went to warn them. I begged them to come here to seek your protection. These villagers laid a trap for Pike and his people. My brother was with them. I shouted to save him. I was then gagged and brought here."
I see Lexa nod her head once. "Release Octavia Kum SkyKru now". Lexa's voice is low and dangerous. She looks at Titus and she looks at me. She strides from the room and we follow her. I am filled with dread. This is not going to end well. Nothing ever does.
Lexa slammed the doors open "How dare you bring this to me on Ascension day" I shout.
I am furious. I am frustrated. I listen to Titus without really listening at all and the only thing I can think is I need Clarke's advice. I need to know what she thinks about the actions of her people. I forgave them. I showed weakness in the eyes of my people. Now I have to act in a way that is strong and in a way that is respected or the alliance will fail and I will not allow that to happen.
Clarke gives her advice. Another clever way to protect her people yet again. Give them time and they will take Pike out themselves. I know what I have to do. It is not great but it is better than war. I have to trust in Clarke that her people will indeed succeed in taking Pike out. A blockade will contain him.
I know it means that I will probably loose Clarke but it is the only way I can protect her. I think back to last night and this morning and it seems so long ago. Maybe if I ask her to stay she will. I hold up my hand to stop Titus speaking. I turn to go back into the throne room.
I will ask the twelve clans to march on Arkadia to contain SkyKru. It is not the war they wanted but I am their Heda and they must obey me. I am Heda. I am certain they will not defy me. They are my subjects. They are all my subjects.
"Death to the commander!" The man that brought Octavia here like a prisoner launches himself at Lexa and for Clarke time stands still. She is paralysed by fear. Titus though is not he steps across Lexa and kills the man swiftly and brutally. Clarke is so grateful in that moment that Titus is so well trained.
"Blood must have blood" he says low and firm. He believes in this so much thinks Clarke. They all do. Can Lexa change this and stay safe? Or have my people and I put her in so much danger that she must fear assassination every time she makes a decision?
"There will be a kill order placed on any member of Skykru who passes the blockade" Lexa says.
I look at Lexa shocked. How can Lexa do this to me? It means that I cannot stay here. I cannot stay with her.
I am still staring at Lexa and the anger must flash in my eyes. Her eyes lock with mine and I see her shake her head so slightly that if I was not scrutinising every movement she makes I would not have seen it.
It's okay. That is what she is telling me.
But it's not okay at all I think. Someone just tried to kill her and if I stay here it will happen again. If she makes me an exception to this kill order it will push her people too far. I should not be here.
If I had been in Arkadia I could have stopped Pike I am sure of it. I could have made my people understand. But I had been so afraid of going back; of facing the past. Then Lexa had asked me to stay and I had listened to my heart, my fears.
It's so easy here.
Lexa commands. Clarke is part of a team. Lexa and her are a team. She does not have to make life and death decisions here alone. She is supported and protected by Lexa. She had been so naive. How could she stay here being ambassador while her people made these decisions? They were scared and they were making decisions based on fear.
I have to go back Clarke thought to herself. I have to leave Lexa. The thought hurt physically. But I have to do it. To protect my people and to protect Lexa.
I walk around the back of the other ambassadors slipping away. I know Lexa sees me leave. I can feel her eyes on my back but she also knows I won't leave without saying goodbye.
I want her to stay. I want her to choose to stay. For the first time in my life I don't want to be alone thinks Lexa. I feel Clarke enter the room. I know she is angry. I stand up and breathe slowly.
"We may be drawing a line but whose to stay you can't choose to stay on this side of it" I say looking directly at her.
There I think, Heda the commander of the thirteen clans, has made herself completely vulnerable. But I don't care. I don't care about the consequences. I want Clarke here. I need Clarke here. I want her in my bed. I want her in my arms. I want her to be my partner. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be with her.
She doesn't look shocked. She just looks sad. We both hear Titus' voice.
"I know someone who might" she says sarcastically and we smile at each other. One of those smiles that only we share.
I want to tell her I don't care about anyone else. I can protect her and I can protect us both.
Titus enters talking about the arrangements he has made to take Clarke away from me. To separate us.
"Actually I have asked Clarke to stay in Polis as my guest". I say looking directly at Titus. He controls his rage barely. He asks Clarke to leave and she does. I turn away from him.
"Love is weakness" and suddenly I feel how wrong he is.
"I will not hear this again". Loving Clarke does not make me weak it makes me strong. I want to throw these words back at him.
"Your feelings for Clarke put you both in danger. Do not make Clarke pay for your mistakes the way Costia did" he yells. He stops breathing hard and he knows he has gone too far.
"My mistakes?" I say threateningly. "Azgedar cut off Costia's head and delivered it to my bed and still I let them into my alliance."
My voice rises and splits and I am losing control. Anger surges through me. I am more than capable of separating feelings from duty! I say this really believing it. I left Clarke on that mountain to die. I left Costia to die in the ice nation. I could not go to war to protect her. The irony is not lost on me. I could not go to war to rescue Costia. The alliance was too new. The ice nation too strong. So I banished Prince Roan in retaliation. For Clarke I had stopped a war and ironically it had put us in just as much danger.
"I didn't mean to offend you Lexa"
I look at Titus and know this is a lie. But I also see beneath his rant. He is afraid for me. What happened this morning terrified him. His use of my first name is a rare breach of protocol. He is a devoted man. His whole life he has been trained to protect our way of life to protect the flame. He is the embodiment of our culture and these last few weeks have been hardest on him. There has been so much change and he is afraid. Everything he has held as sacred is no longer so. I have changed a fundamental belief in his life. I understand his fear. Titus is furious with my decision that blood must not have blood. It is his love and his respect for me that stops him from defying me. I know not all of my subjects are so loyal. Titus has always been my teacher, guiding me advising me. Helping me learn.
"Yes you did. But I know you meant well, Teacher". I say using his old title. He softens.
"May I make arrangements for Clarke's departure?" His eyes implore me to say yes but I cannot give him the answer he wants. I will not send Clarke away. If Clarke leaves it must be her own choice.
"That is up to Clarke, but I know where you stand on this Titus". Somethings crystallises in his expression. I think it is acceptance. He nods and leaves and I am left alone with my thoughts.
"I am more than capable of separating feelings from duty" I had hurled those words at Titus as some desperate defence because I wonder whether that is true now. In the past it was certainly so.
My feelings as I had stared with horror at Costia's head were like nothing I had ever felt. My beautiful, wise, strong Costia had been mutilated and I had wanted to tear Nia limb from limb. To torture her, to watch her die slowly and painfully. It was the closest she had ever been to being the Commander the clans had expected her to be; ruthless, vengeful, cruel. But she had not been. She had not done any of these things. She had allowed them into the coalition. She had been left alone to grieve. The depths of her grief had been overwhelming. Days and nights had no meaning and everything was black but blood did not have blood.
That had changed a few weeks ago. As she had thrown that spear she had said those words for Costia. Justice or was it vengeance at last? She had avenged Costia. As she had watched Nia burn she had hoped that Costia was now at peace. In that moment Lexa had felt peace. She had also heard a whisper of thanks on the wind from the first woman she had truly loved. Those things were there if you listened for them. Clarke would think she was mad if I told her. I know she would. She tries to understand but I know she does not believe.
When I first saw Clarke my heart contracted. It had been so strange to feel something again. The emotion had been unsettling but it had caused me to trust her. I trusted her despite Indra calling her a liar and offering to kill her. I wanted to believe Clarke. I saw myself in her. How I had been. A young woman at the start of her command unsure but mastering her fear for her people.
She had answered me without fear "you were the one who sent them there to kill us" she had said calmly, defiantly. Her care for Anya had meant something to me. Anya had trusted Clarke. I thought in that moment that I understood why. Anya would have seen me in Clarke. I was always like a younger sister to her. She was my mentor and she had always tried to protect me. She had tried to get to me. She wanted to bring Clarke to me. Anya had known that Clarke was different. She was someone who maybe we could build a peace through.
And how Clarke had appeared and surprised me time and time and time again. Surviving certain death. A death I had abandoned her to. I separated my feelings from duty then too.
"I do care Clarke" that is what she had said imploring her to understand. She was leaving this special woman to die she owed her honesty. She had thought Clarke was right then hiding from her feelings was weakness because expressing them had made everything so much harder. But she had owed Clarke the knowledge that her feelings for Clarke were real and she was desperately sorry. She had been so sorry in fact she had nearly broken. She had nearly ordered her people into Mount Weather regardless of the consequences and loss of life. Hundreds of her people, prisoners and warriors alike, had been saved that day. It was the right decision for her people. She still believed that. It was a decision without honour laced with betrayal but it had been the right one.
But since Clarke had come back into her life Lexa had made every decision as if her and Clarke were the same person. They were partners. When she had knelt before her and vowed "I will treat your needs as my needs" she had meant it. She had understood then the magnitude of her promise. She was not sure Clarke had. Clarke thought the words were a start but only actions could make those words strong, believable. Every decision she had made since then had been to honour this vow. It nearly cost her her life in her fight against Roan. It had nearly cost her her life this morning. It might cost her her life in the future but Lexa thought dying for Clarke, dying for that vow, dying to protect her dream of peace, a dream that was intertwined with Clarke...well I believe that would be worth dying for Lexa thought. Clarke was right life was about more than just surviving.
"I am going to find Indra. You have an hour to say your goodbyes. Meet me at the gate." Octavia said without any further discussion. She stalked away but before she leaves she turns back to me and says "if you are not there Clarke, you are not the person I thought you were". She gives me one last look as she leaves.
Octavia had crashed through this cocoon I had been building for myself. As she had been thrown into the throne room my sense of duty had been thrown into that space too. It had finally come to puncture my time in Polis, my time with Lexa.
Octavia does not understand how hard Mount Weather was. That single moment changed me. My moral compass was shattered. My Dad had always told me to do the right thing. My Mother had told me to remember we were meant to be the good guys. But I had betrayed them both and even worse I had betrayed myself.
Since I landed here I have never had a good option. I have had a pretty shit option and an even shittier option and each time I had managed to find another way. Every time. Even with Finn. He had not died in agony. I had killed him because I loved him. I had killed him to save him from the death Lincoln had described. With Finn his death had been bearable because he had murdered innocent people. She understood the reasoning of justice.
But at Mount Weather there had been no other option. She had murdered innocent people. She had murdered those who had risked their lives to help save them.
I had watched them strap my Mum to the table knowing they were not going to stop. I could not let her die. I had begged them. I had pleaded with them but they would not listen. She had promised they would volunteer. They would help them. They would make them immune from the radiation. They would find a way. But they had not believed her. He had been too far gone. Clarke had pulled that leaver with Bellamy but it had been her choice. She had chosen to kill everyone.
Deep down through everything Clarke knows that she made that choice out of love. She made the choice that would save their people, their friends, her Mum. The people they loved. But when she made that choice something in her broke. When she looked at Jasper as he held Maya in his arms gasping "I was going to kill him. It would have worked". I honestly don't know if it would have done. Was that the better way? The third way that I didn't choose because I was not brave enough? Jasper had looked at me then. He was desolate and he was filled with hate. Murderer his eyes screamed at me. I accepted it because I knew he was right. I also knew I could not return to Arkadia to see that accusation in the eyes of my friend every day. So I left. I ran away. I ran away from myself and I became a grounder.
Lexa had dragged me back to being a leader. Roan had been sent to track me down and Lexa had looked into my eyes and said "you cannot run away from who you are Clarke". I had felt in the moment when I had held the knife to her throat that I was coming back to myself. "I never meant to turn you into this" Lexa had said tears constricting her throat. I had heard the horror in her voice. She had made a decision that had help turn me into this but she was also the person helping me to turn back. I could not kill Lexa for many reasons but I had hoped the most defining one was that I was not a killer. I had killed it was true but I was not a killer. The tears of frustration or anger and actually of relief that had spilled from my eyes as I turned away from Lexa started to bring me back.
Lexa's love for me has been healing me. Polis has become my sanctuary and Lexa has become its guard. However with Octavia comes the final step for me. I have to leave here. For now I have to leave Lexa. "You were born for this Clarke, just like me" Lexa had said to her in that tent so long ago. I needed to go back to my people to bring them to the negotiating table to make sure there was peace. Lexa and I are leaders. That is why we work. We almost mirror each other. She understands before I speak and I understand from her eyes, her movements, everything that she doesn't say. In almost everything we are equals. Lexa has elevated Clarke to that status. Heda and Wanheda. Two sides of a coin, two halves of a whole, two lovers, two friends, two allies and two leaders. It is time for me to lead again I think. I sigh and I feel a wave of sadness as I know where I must go. I go to find Lexa to say goodbye. We have come full circle.
Lexa hears the door opening from the next room and she walks around the corner twisting her hair. She has always does this when she is nervous. She sees Clarke and the moment she sees her she knows and her eyes fill with tears. Lexa fights them back. "When do you leave?" Lexa asks.
Clarke looks at Lexa and feels her heart fail and a stab of pain flood her stomach. She walks towards her. She keeps herself calm using every muscle she can to support herself. I must look oddly formal Clarke thinks. I don't want to seem distant and my eyes soften as they meet Lexa's.
"Now" I manage to say.
She nods slowly and I think the hurt in those eyes might kill me. I don't want to go. With my eyes I beg her to see that. I want to stay here. I move towards her.
"I am sorry" I say with all the sincerity I can possibly put into those words. I want her to know it is true.
"Don't be. They're your people you have to go back. It's why I...it's why you're you".
I look at her questioningly absolutely floored. I am almost certain Lexa was going to tell me she loves me. I look in her eyes and they tell me the truth. I love you Clarke. It is the most powerful thing in the world and it is almost too much, too much of a precious thing. I want her to understand that this is not my choice because my choice would be to stay.
"Maybe one day we will owe nothing else to our people" my eyes lock with hers. I hope she understands that I am saying I love her too and if it was a free choice I would stay. I understand why we are not saying this out loud. It is all too much. How can we both leave if we say these things aloud making them real? We couldn't. It would be too hard.
"I hope so" Lexa whispers "May we meet again".Everything is contained in those words.
God I hope we do not have to be apart for long Clarke thinks. But always there is the chance this is for years or forever if something happens to one of us. Death is always a threat in this world. A threat you cannot control.
The thought of one of us dying is too much for me. I reach for Lexa's arm and I kiss her. A kiss that is different from all the others we have shared. It is filled with tenderness, with bittersweet sadness and most of all love. I try to tell her I love her through these kisses.
I can feel her tears on my face and I can feel her love radiating towards me and I realise what strength Lexa has, what a formidable human being she is, she is special. There can only be one of her because more than one would be too much. I will never feel this way for anyone ever again thinks Clarke. No matter how long they are apart Lexa is the one. These are my thoughts as Lexa stares up to me from the bed. Her vulnerability takes my breath away. She is stripped bare and she is imploring me to be burned by this fire. Yet this fire will make me strong, it will test me and at times it may shatter me but it will always forge me into something stronger and better than I could ever be alone.
Lexa pulls me down and I try to give her everything I am.
Clarke is stroking my arm bringing me back from sleep, back to reality.
"If Octavia and I are going to get behind the blockade by dawn..." She trails off. I know what she is saying, she has to leave, she has to go.
"Shhhh" I say softly cutting her off. I can feel her smile. It is in the way the atmosphere lightens.
She is tracing her fingers over my tattoo."This is beautiful" she breathes.
Clarke loves art. She is fascinated by the art in our culture. It is one of the pure things she finds here. I explain the significance of the circles to her.
"I thought there were nine in your conclave" she says.
"There were". I answer knowing what is coming.
"What happened to number 8?" Clarke asks.
I remember Luna the vibrant spirit who I had grown up with. Another forced separation. Another decision which was not a free one to make.
I turn to Clarke. "Can we talk about something else?" I ask. I will tell her one day but not in this moment.
Clarke looks at me and smirks "We don't have to talk at all" she says.
I feel a rush of joy as I look down at Clarke and my face splits into a smile. I don't smile like this anymore but as I lean down to kiss her I can feel my grin pressed against her own.
Clarke shudders and lies still. I collapse beside her. Clarke reaches for me and plants kisses on my face. Then she rolls away and gets up. I have no idea how she has any energy as I am exhausted. I am sore in a wonderful way. Clarke is pulling on her clothes and I don't stop her because I know if I do I will put her in danger.
"We don't say goodbye" Clarke says as she looks over at me. Her face is defiant, fierce "This is not goodbye".
My heart breaks for her, for me, for us. I scramble out of bed throwing on clothes as I go. I stand in front of her and nod "okay". I touch my forehead to hers and then pull her into a hug.
She pulls away from me and tries to smile. I nod once. She leans forward kisses me on the forehead and then she moves towards the door, opening it and looking back one last time she slips through it.
I sit on my bed with my head in my hands. I already miss Clarke and it takes all my will power to not run after her calling her back for one more moment with her. I can smell Clarke on me. I feel an ache. There is something missing. I need a distraction. I decide to go and find Aden. I can train with him.
I smile as I think of Aden. He is advancing so fast. He will be the best commander yet. I know I should not have a favourite but Aden is so bright and he has a wisdom and strength that gives me hope that my legacy will live on. Plus he is one hell of a fighter. Moving towards the door I feel a bit better with this distraction. After all this is not goodbye.
We will meet again thinks Lexa as she heads off to find Aden.