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Ch. 6 I'm Sorry Too but Don't Give Up on Me

(CLARE)

I drive for a ways, hitting the highway and going south but I get off after just a couple of exits. I have no intentions of going to some seedy roadside bar the way Drew did. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be with anyone I know and I really don't want to be me right now. I find a hotel that has a bar and I stop there, I'm not exactly dressed for a swanky hotel bar but I don't really care. I give my car to the valet and go into the hotel and into the bar. There's booths and tables but I sit at the bar.

"What can I get you?" The male bartender asks. He's around my age, dressed neatly in a hotel uniform, he's got dark blonde hair that's long enough in front for his bangs to hang into his eyes a bit.

"I don't know, anything," I reply.

"Get the lady a chocolate martini," a man says sitting on the bar stool next to me, "and charge it to my room."

"Thanks," I smile at him.

"I'm Duncan Fischer," he tells me extending his hand.

"Cl…Clea," I give him a fake name but as I already started with cl I had to think of something that started with that.

"A lovely name for a lovely woman," he smiles as I give him my hand and he kisses the back of it rather than shake it.

Internally I roll my eyes at his remark but I take the martini and sip at it with a smile. I say nothing of being married although my ring is plainly visible. Duncan sees it, I see his eyes glance at it but he doesn't say anything about it. Duncan is a few years older than me, early thirties probably but he's in good shape. He's taller than Drew by a couple of inches, he wears an expensive suit but when he moves I can see the sculpted muscles under his shirt. His hair is jet black like Owen's but his face is thinner and longer.

"You are much too beautiful to look so sad," Duncan says.

"Oh brother is this how dating is? He's giving me every corny line in the book. Next I suppose he'll ask me if it hurt when I fell from heaven. Or perhaps ask what a girl like me is doing in a place like this." I think to myself but say nothing, just smile and keep sipping at my martini.

"I'm here on business, you know my suite upstairs has a lovely view of the stars from the balcony," he tells me.

"I'll bet it does," I reply tapping my wedding ring on the now empty martini glass.

"Another martini for the lady," Duncan tells the bartender. I'm not sure if that's what he thought my tapping on the glass meant or he just wants to get me drunk.

"Why don't we take this one up to your room?" I suggest hardly able to believe that the words are coming out of my mouth as I say them.

Duncan simply smiles getting off the barstool and offering me his hand. We walk to the elevator and he presses the button for the top floor. Inside of me my conflicting emotions and thoughts are causing a tempest. I know this is wrong, I'm married and I still love Drew and yet I'm angry with him, so very angry with him and for more reasons than I even fully realize. I feel betrayed and hurt so deeply that I feel ill and all that hurt and anger and betrayal is festering inside me. Burning, festering, churning and driving me to stay in this elevator, to go up to Duncan's room, to hurt Drew and make him feel the same betrayal.

The elevator dings when it reaches the top floor and the sound of it resounds inside me. It's like a warming bell that says: run before it's too late, but I don't listen. Duncan takes my hand as the doors open and I follow him out to the hallway and to the room at the very end. Duncan releases my hand to get his wallet out and take out his room key and still I don't run. He opens the door revealing a large suite, it must be incredibly pricey, it's very lovely and I should be impressed but I'm mostly just petrified. He closes the door and pulls me farther into the suite, I've downed the last of the chocolate martini and when he goes to the mini-fridge I walk to the back door going out to the balcony and breathing in the fresh air. We're very high and I look in the direction of my house.

"It's not quite a chocolate martini but it is sweet," Duncan tells me putting an arm around me and handing me a drinking glass with white wine in it at the same time. I take the cup and begin sipping at it while looking at stars and he begins kissing my neck. I shiver instinctively and Duncan takes it as a sign that I'm cold; he pulls me back inside and closes the balcony door. "I can warm you up," he smiles setting down my cup and pressing his lips to mine.

I stop breathing and push him away. All the anger and hurt that was driving me to stay and go through with this to hurt Drew, it's all replaced with fear now. Replaced with a desire to run, fear of what will happen if I stay, fear of hurting Drew.

"I can't, I can't do this I'm sorry. I'm married and I shouldn't even be here I have to go. Thanks for the drinks but I have to go home, to my husband. I have to go home," I prattle on nervously and flee from the room as fast as I can.

I unlock the door flinging it open, running down the hall and frantically pressing the elevator button. When the elevator isn't called up fast enough for me I run to the stairs and start running down them. I run all the way down to the ground floor and out to the valet, my hand shakes as I get out the ticket and hand it over. My car is brought around I get in; I start to cry as I drive home. I continually have to pull the car over the way I'm crying and shaking. It took me less than fifteen minutes to drive to the hotel but more than an hour to drive home. I open the garage door and pull the car in but I don't go inside yet. I sit there in the car a few moments still crying. Eventually I pull myself together enough to open the car door and go inside. Owen and K.C. are sitting on the sofa, they both look at me but I can't look at them and I can't talk to them, I run past them and run upstairs. I don't go into the nursery because I expect Drew to be in there and also because I'm far too ashamed to go into the room that reminds me of my son at the moment.

I run into the washroom in our bedroom and lean on the counter just breathing. The room and washroom were dark when I ran through but now the washroom light gets flicked on. I gasp not from the sudden change in the light but the sight of Drew. One side of his face is bruised and very swollen and I know I did that to him. I lose it, unraveling all together I sink off the counter to the floor curling up and wailing into my hands. I'm crying so hard I can't breathe and I'm shaking so much it rattles the cabinet doors behind me. I feel Drew sit next to me and he takes my hand. I squeeze his hand, squeezing it tightly and forcing myself to take a breath I look back at Drew.

"I'm sor…" I begin but choke on a sobbing breath and can't finish. Drew says nothing just puts his arm around me and now I cry on his shoulder. "Drew…your…face…I," I blubber after a moment but am still unable to make a sentence.

"Don't talk you're going to pass out, you can barely breathe and I can smell alcohol on your breath," he says. His voice is calm but I hear the fear and anger that he's trying to hide in his tone.

"I did that. I didn't mean to hurt you," I say when I can finally seize the sobbing enough to talk.

"I know. I shouldn't have grabbed for you," Drew tells me with an apologetic tone. "Where were you?" He asks after another moment.

"I went to a hotel bar, a man bought me drinks," I admit and I feel Drew tense up. "I was angry, I wanted to hurt you, I wanted you to feel the pain that I felt when I found the napkin in your pants pocket."

"I didn't do anything Clare," Drew tells me and I pick my head up to look at him.

"I found the bar tab, I found the napkin, you admitted that you couldn't remember what had happened."

"I still don't but I called her, Owen and K.C. heard the conversation you can ask them. I was extremely drunk, I went back to the motel and got undressed and then I passed out. She wanted to have sex but I was totally unconscious so she fell asleep next to me."

"But you went to the motel did you want to sleep with her?"

"No, I was smashed Clare I wasn't thinking at all and I didn't find her the least bit attractive."

"But you liked the attention she was giving you."

"Yes I did because she wasn't telling me I was broken or that she was sorry about Ezra or looking at me like I was broken."

"I don't look at you like you're broken," I argue but look away from him and down at my legs.

"You hardly look at me at all, when you do actually leave the nursery you barely look at anyone and you're just lost in this haze of depression. So yeah I was enjoying the attention of a woman that actually looked at me with interest and doesn't blame me for the death of my son."

"I don't blame you," I say sharply and take a breath, "entirely. I don't know who to blame Drew, I want answers and no one can give me any. Our son died and no one can tell me why and it's driving me crazy. I want to know why my child was stolen from us. I blame the doctors for not figuring out what was wrong, for telling me it was just the flu. I blame you and I blame myself. I didn't mean to hit you."

"I know Clare."

"But I didn't even think about it, I just hit you. I hit you with as much strength as I could and I hit your face, I hit you in the head, what if you'd had another concussion? You could have been lying unconscious on the floor while I was out letting another man buy me drinks because I was mad at you."

"But I didn't lose consciousness and when you left I called Owen and K.C. and they came right over," Drew says in a comforting tone trying to assuage me but it's not helping. "What did you do with that man?" Drew questions slowly after a moment.

"He bought me a couple of drinks and he talked a lot. And then I went up to his suite with him, he kissed me and I pushed him away and I ran home. I was crying and shaking so much I could barely drive, it took me over an hour to get home," I confess. Drew lets out a breath and relaxes a little knowing I didn't do anything but kiss Duncan. "I hit you and just ran out and into the arms of another man, almost. He kissed me and I let him, only for a second but I let him. What if I'd gone through with it? Or stayed out all night and you'd had another concussion because I hit you!"

"You were angry at me and you had every right to be and y…"

"Will you stop that," I cut him off before he can say anything else and Drew looks at me. "Stop coddling me Drew, I am angry that you were out all night and with some strange woman, even if you didn't do anything. But I hit you, I physically hurt you, there's a huge bruise on your face and a black eye because of me and you're telling me it's okay."

"We've gone through a lot and your emotions are running high y…"

"You're still doing it. You're making excuses for me, you're talking to me like I'm a child and coddling me after I was physically violent with you."

"Well what do you want me to do Clare hit you back?"

"No but get mad at me, I know I had every right to be mad at you for staying out last night and not coming home. For sleeping in bed with and getting the attentions of another woman even if you didn't sleep with her. I am pissed about that still but that doesn't make it okay that I hit you Drew. I hit you and I ran out and I didn't even think about it."

"Look at me Clare," Drew commands and I look at him, "I have a nasty bruise but not a concussion. I got a little dizzy and called my friends, I just didn't call Adam because I knew he'd yell at me. I'm really not angry that you hit me, I already left a message with work that I wouldn't be in for the rest of the week I shouldn't look so horrible by Monday. I'm not happy that you were with another man; I'm not at all happy that some strange man bought you drinks and took you up to his room. I really don't like that he kissed you."

"I pushed him away as soon as his lips were on mine," I tell him and we go quiet for a moment. "Drew I don't think we can do this."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't think we can do this, we had a fight and you stayed out all night at a bar and spent a night in a motel with a girl. I know nothing happened but you still enjoyed the affection she was giving you and I did the same. We both did it out of anger and we've done nothing but fight and I can't even look at you without thinking about Ezra. I'm angry at you and I don't even really know why. And you're forced to take care of me because I can barely bring myself to leave Ezra's room. Maybe we should take some time apart."

"Do you want time apart?" Drew asks me and I bite my lip looking down at my hand. He tips my chin up to look at him again. "You could be in a hotel room right now with another man but you came back here."

"Because when he kissed me it scared me," I reply.

"Why? Why did it scare you? Because you were there out of anger or because it was another man, one that wasn't your husband? Or did you think he was going to go farther than you wanted?"

"No he wasn't like that but I didn't want to be there. I went to make you angry and when I was there I wanted to be with you. When I ran from there shaking I wished you were there to hold me," I tell him and Drew holds me tighter.

"You ran back to me that doesn't sound like you want time apart," Drew says after a minute.

"I don't know Drew but this isn't working. I can barely look at you; we don't talk unless we're fighting. I cry so much my head always hurts and most of the time I can't even function, most of the time I don't want to function. You were able to go to work and I can't even fathom going to work. This isn't working Drew, I feel like I'm just continuing to fall and I'm bringing you down with me. And I'm just so angry and so sad, I just…I don't think I can do this."

"Two weeks, it's been two weeks Clare since we lost Ezra. Of course you're still sad and angry, so am I. It's only been two weeks that is not enough time to say this working. We haven't even begun to heal. Give it a month; get out of the house a…"

"I don't want to get out of the house Drew; I want to be here with Ezra's stuff and his room. Everyday his scent fades a little, I only have a few memories of him and eventually they'll fade. I feel like if I leave the house I'll lose another part of him. I don't want to leave the house, I'm not ready to go out and lose him yet. I don't want to go out and be in the world and feel like everyone's looking at me because I lost a baby."

"But you have to get out of the house Clare. You aren't going to lose Ezra by leaving the house but if you stay here, stuck in this rut of depression and sorrow and anger you will lose yourself. I'm not going in for the rest of the week we can leave the house together. You have to try Clare please I'm not ready to give up on us or to lose you after losing Ezra."

"Okay," I nod after a minute.

"Good, we can make it through this Clare," Drew assures me kissing my forehead.

"I need a shower," I tell him standing up. Drew stands and turns to the door, taking a step and I catch his hand. "Do you want to shower with me?"

"I'd like that," Drew smiles turning on the water.

We undress and step into the shower; I turn around letting the water hit my back. My forehead rests on Drew's chest and his arms come around me. Despite the feeling of safety and solace I have in Drew's arms I begin to cry.

(DREW)

"I have to go into work I don't think I can tell them I'm not coming in again. There's only another month and then I'm off for the summer," I say from the bed. Clare sits on the end of it staring at Ezra's bassinet. She's just staring at it, not moving, barely breathing just looking at the empty space that used to be filled by our son. "Clare?" I say moving on the bed. I don't even know how long she's been awake and sitting there staring at an empty bassinet. I crawl across the bed putting my hand on her shoulder and she doesn't even flinch.

"I thought I heard him crying. I woke up sure that he was crying, I heard it and I came to get him from the bassinet and he's not there," she says softly before bursting into tears herself.

It's been two weeks since we each nearly wandered from our marriage, two weeks since Clare essentially told me she was ready to give up and I practically begged her to stay and try. I spent the rest of that week home with Clare while my bruise healed; at least enough that it wasn't too visible. I managed, with some help from our friends, to get Clare out of the house at least once a day, mostly to the park or just a walk in the neighborhood. Last week when I went back to work we'd go out after I got home and a few times Adam or Jenna came by and got her out before I got home. She's been doing a little better though, she even took a freelance assignment from the paper. She works from home but it's a start. She still barley eats and we have to force her out of Ezra's room most of the time but it's an improvement.

And me, I'm hiding it all, since going back to work I've been suppressing it all. If I let myself feel it, if I give in to what I'm feeling deep inside then I'll break. I'll break just like Clare, I'll fall into depression, I'll be angry about losing my son and I won't be able to go out and function. I can't do that, Clare's barely functional I can't be a mess too so I'm just not thinking about it, not dealing with it. I put all my energy into working and taking care of Clare. It's worked for the last few weeks but today, today is different.

Today it's been one month since Ezra died.

"I'll tell them I'm not coming in today, I'm sure they can call in a sub."

"No you should go in," Clare shakes her head.

"No, not today they'll understand," I reply kissing her shoulder and she flinches just slightly. I grab my cell phone and call the office, "Alexia it's Drew."

"Hi Drew."

"I won't be in today. It's exactly a month today and I just can't I need to be home and with Clare."

"It's fine we'll get a sub I completely understand. Give my love to Clare," Alexia says and hangs up.

"They're calling a sub," I tell Clare as I put the phone down.

"How can it have been an entire month since he's been gone? How does the world keep going for a whole month and how can I still be in so much pain?"

"We should do something for Ezra today. We can do anything what do you do want to do?"

"I want to…" Clare begins and then stops leaning back on me a little and I take her in my arms. "I want to put fresh flowers on his grave. I want to remember him with our friends."

"I'll call Adam; he can arrange a dinner with some help from Paige. Let's go get dressed and go to the flower shop," I tell her and she gives me the biggest smile she can muster.

While Clare takes a quick shower I call Adam and tell him what Clare wants. He says they'll take care of it and when I hang up with him I get dressed. Clare and I drive to a flower shop a few blocks away and she picks out a bouquet. Then we drive to the cemetery and Ezra's headstone. We sit next to the headstone and Clare sets the flowers down and we both begin to cry. We sit there for a very long time and just cry; eventually we stop and stand up walking back to the car. We spent over four hours there and now we need to eat. I use my phone to place a to-go order and we pick up food on our way home. We eat in the living room in a somber silence and we stay in the somber silence for the afternoon, at least until Adam arrives.

"Everyone will be here at six for a potluck and remembrance dinner. Paige will be here in an hour to help set up and Jenna's coming right after work."

"Thanks Adam I'm going to lie down for a bit," Clare says standing up from the sofa.

"You want me to come with you?" I ask her.

"No," she shakes her head.

"I'll come and check on you in a bit," I tell her and she nods. I go to kiss her but she turns her head and I catch her cheek instead of her lips.

"How's she doing?" Adam questions.

"Two steps forward and three steps back," I reply.

"And you?"

"I'm doing fine, I have to be right?"

"No," Adam says giving me a worried look.

"I'm fine Adam, as fine as someone can be after what we've been through. It's Clare I'm worried about," I tell him.

"Is she still working on the article for the paper?"

"Yeah and it seemed to be going pretty well until today. I just hope she doesn't completely backslide from here."

Adam starts cleaning a little; I help for a bit and then go upstairs to check on Clare. She's not in our bed, I find her instead in the nursery in the nest of stuffed animals. She's not sleeping; she's lying there crying silently with her head buried in a teddy bear. I start to walk in and then decide to give her some time. I turn around looking at the still broken door I kicked open to get to her. I walk downstairs and keep myself busy with cleaning up. When Jenna and Paige arrive I go back upstairs and into the nursery putting my hand on Clare's arm.

"People are going to arrive soon for dinner you want to come downstairs?"

"Yeah I'll be down soon," she says getting up.

I follow her into our washroom; she splashes water on her face and cleans herself up a little. She takes a minute before going downstairs and puts on a small smile to greet Paige and Jenna. Owen and Ashley are next to arrive and then K.C. comes, given the last minute notice of the dinner no one else is coming. We have a nice dinner with everyone, after dinner we talk about Ezra, everyone sharing memories of Ezra, we only have a couple months of memories to share but everyone has a story. It's bitter sweet, it's nice to remember him but it makes us all cry.

"We'll clean up you guys should get to bed you both look exhausted," Adam says when everyone but him and Paige have gone home.

"Thanks for everything. As always you guys are amazing," Clare tells them and hugs them both before going upstairs. I hug Adam and Paige and follow Clare upstairs. She starts to go upstairs and I grab her hand.

"You should sleep in the bed. Ezra isn't in that room he never spent a night in that room," I remind her.

"I know I'll come into the bedroom in a moment," she replies. I go into the bedroom and she comes in a second later holding the first teddy bear we got for Ezra. We went and bought it the moment I knew she was pregnant. I go into the washroom and get ready for bed, by the time I come out Clare is already in bed, curled on her side and clutching the teddy bear.

I get in and lie down, Clare sobs gently but silently but when I try to touch her she pulls away from me. I lie there for a while but I can't sleep, when Clare cries herself to sleep and I hear Adam & Paige leave I get up. At first I pace the living room, then I go into the closet getting out my old punching bag. I move my car out of the garage and hang the punching bag and then I start hitting it. Punching hard again and again, punching out all the anger I've been holding in and crying. Crying out all the tears I've kept behind an internal dam of false inner strength. Hitting the bag makes me feel better but I want more. I go inside for water and grab my laptop, sitting on the sofa and booting it up. When it's up I open a browser and type in the search bar: Amateur MMA fighting clubs near me and several links pop up. Just as I click on one I hear footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Drew?" Clare asks in a sleepy voice and I quickly shut the laptop so she doesn't see. "What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep come on let's go to bed," I say getting up and take her hand bringing her upstairs with me and back to the bedroom.

"What were you looking at on your laptop?" She questions as we get in bed.

"Nothing just mindlessly surfing to get tired, I didn't mean to wake you get back to sleep."

Uh-oh! Naughty Drew lying to Clare. Update next Tuesday will start probably the next day and include Clare returning to work.