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Ch. 7 Stolen Days

(DREW)

"Hey bro," Adam answers his phone.

"Hey I have to stay late at work can you check on Clare? After yesterday I'm not sure how she's doing get her out if you can."

"Yeah no problem I'll head over there now and Paige can meet me when she gets off work."

"Thanks I'll probably be home late, there's a staff meeting about next year and the sub from yesterday kind of messed things up," I tell my brother. I'm lying through my teeth right now but I can't tell him the real reason I'm going to be late. He'd yell at me and then he'd tell Clare and she'd yell at me and they'd make me quit. Yesterday it had been one month since Ezra's death and I'd stayed home from work to be with Clare. I also decided to get back into MMA but I'm not telling anyone because they'd all freak out.

I brought a change of clothes and I change into sweats and a sleeveless shirt, getting into my car and turning on the GPS app on my phone to give me directions. The gym, if you can call it that, is not too far from our house but it's underground, literally in fact as the entrance is below street level and the only way to find the staircase or the gym is that a plain red sign, without words on it, is right above the staircase. I go in and sign up for a match, there's three cages so three matches going at once but it's sort of one center cage and one on each side. I have to sign a waiver and then get weighed and stuff; it's an hour before I get a match. Aside from the total underground aspect to this gym I chose it because there's no hitting the face, since everyone has jobs and it's not good to show up to any job with bruises. Not to mention what Clare would do if she saw me with bruises.

"You're up," a guy tells me leading me to the cage to the left of the center cage.

I go in and look at my opponent; he's about an inch shorter than me but looks like he has more muscle. The bell rings and we begin. It's been years but I remember pretty well and I trip my opponent sending him crashing to the floor. He's obviously more skilled than I am though as he leaps up and kicks me in the stomach. And then it's like all my rage comes out and I leap up sort of tackling him like in football. He pushes me back and I punch him, then kick and punch again. I make sure I don't hit his face but other than that I'm just fighting, almost like fighting for survival and I just keep going until a ref pulls me away. The match is called, I win and I leave the cage to get some water but it felt good, so good that I sign up for a second match. My second opponent is a lot tougher, even though I lose the fighting felt god and I don't even realize how late it became. I can't go home in sweats so I change at the school again before driving home.

"When you said you'd be late I didn't think you meant this late," Adam says when I get inside.

"Yeah sorry the meeting went long and the sub was new to teaching and just totally screwed things up. Where are the girls?"

"Paige went home already, Clare told me to go home but you weren't answering your phone so I told her I was staying until we knew you were okay."

"Yeah my fault I had it off in the meeting and didn't even think about turning it back on. I'm going to go say hi to Clare, you can go home now. Thanks for coming over," I say hugging my brother.

"Yeah of course, we got Clare to go out for a walk after dinner."

I smile and go upstairs expecting to find Clare in the nursery but instead find her asleep on our bed. I kiss her temple but she doesn't stir so I leave her. After going down and saying goodbye to my brother again I eat and cleanup and go back upstairs. I get in a shower before I go to bed but I'm starting to feel the beatings I took and I make a painful grunt when I bend down to get the shampoo bottle.

"Drew?" Clare yawns.

"Yeah it's me Pretty Eyes, no one else better be in our shower in the middle of the night."

"Are you okay? You sounded like you were in pain, when did you get home?"

"About 10:30 and I'm fine just got hit by a stray soccer ball at recess," I lie. "I kissed you when I got in but you didn't even move."

"I took some sleeping pills since I didn't sleep last night."

"That's probably a good idea, you should get back to bed I'll be there in a minute."

"You sure you're okay?" She asks when I can't quite stifle the painful grunt as I begin washing my hair.

"Yeah just bruised that's all, six year olds have some powerful legs that soccer ball hit me pretty hard. Go back to bed I'll join you in a minute," I tell her again.

She waits in the washroom another moment before going out to the bedroom again. I finish in the shower and go out to put boxers on but keep the lights off. I get in the bed and put my arm around her kissing her cheek. Fighting worked out my aggression but I've still got energy and when my lips touch down on Clare's skin that energy turns to desire. My lips trail down from her cheek to her jawline and then to her neck.

"Drew stop," she says pushing me away and moving farther away from me at the same time, "not tonight I'm tired."

I roll on my back but now I'm horny and can't get to sleep. I get up and go into the washroom to jackoff before returning to bed and I fall asleep. I wake up to my alarm and find Clare's not in bed; I get up putting on a shirt and sweats. I find Clare in the nursery, not curled up in the stuffed animals just standing in the room staring at it. I touch her arm and she gasps like I startled her, she must have been really lost in her head.

"When did you wake up?" I question.

"I never quite got back to sleep," she replies.

"I need to get to work are you going to be okay? Should I call someone to…"

"I'll be fine, go to work," she responds cutting me off and still staring into the room.

"I'll be home right after work," I tell her and she nods.

I watch her for a couple of seconds; it's not that she's staring at Ezra's room that bothers me it's the look in her eyes. It's a sorrowful empty look, a distant and vacant look and it scares me. She doesn't look sad, doesn't look angry just empty. She doesn't move and just keeps staring and I slowly walk back to the bedroom. I get dressed and ready for work and she's still staring at the room, when I finish breakfast and go back up she's moved from the room. She's in the washroom taking a shower, I open the door to tell her goodbye and then I leave for work. I call Clare to check up on her during lunch and she tells me she's working on her article. I go home as soon as I'm done for the day and find Clare on the living room sofa with some guy I've never seen before.

"Drew this is Ricky from the paper," Clare says as I look at the boy, and I do mean boy because he can't be more than eighteen and I don't like how cozy he seems to be with my wife.

"It's nice to meet you Drew," Ricky smiles extending his hand and I shake it to be polite. "I came to check on Clare and convince her to come back to the paper. We all miss her it's just not the same without her sarcastic wit. Well I should go, I'll bring everything by tomorrow," Ricky tells Clare. She stands up, hugs him and walks him to the door.

"What's he bringing tomorrow? Why is he coming back to the house?" I inquire.

"Settle down Drew and watch your tone," Clare snaps at me.

"Well last night you pushed me away and barely let me kiss you and then I come home and find you with some strange guy all cozy on the sofa. What am I supposed to think Clare Ricky's…"

"Gay," she cuts me off.

"He's what?"

"Ricky is gay and has a boyfriend Drew. He works as a researcher at the paper and he's done a lot of it for me. Aside from my boss he's the only one from work to come to the house and see how I am. Do you really think I would cheat on you?"

"You were in another man's hotel room just a couple of weeks ago."

"After finding out you'd spent the night with another woman and I ran from his hotel room back to you after one kiss," she spits back with a venomous tone.

"Yeah well…" I begin but I really don't have a good argument after that. "Well why was he hanging out so long and why's he coming back tomorrow?"

"He's going to print out pictures of Ezra at work for me so I can make a memory book. It was his idea, his aunt lost a child a couple of years ago and he said it helped her so I thought I'd try it. I have to do something and going to therapy or grievance group is something I'm just not ready for. I thought I might try going back to work a couple of days a week but I didn't think I was ready. I told Ricky I didn't want to leave the house still and he thought if I had the memory book it would be therapeutic and I could take it to work with me. I'm trying Drew isn't that what everyone wanted?"

"Yes, yes you trying is what we wanted and I'm proud of you Clare. I'm sorry for being jealous," I grin.

"At least I know you still care."

"Of course I care I love you Clare," I say putting my hands on her arms and leaning down to kiss her. She kisses me back but when I begin pulling up her t-shirt in back to feel her skin she pulls away.

"We should make dinner," she tells me.

"Yeah," I nod but I feel like she really just doesn't want me to touch her.

"Jenna came by at lunch and we went grocery shopping, I can make chicken or pasta or burgers if you want," Clare says and looks at me before turning around again quickly. "I don't need a babysitter anymore, I'm doing better, I'm trying and I can go grocery shopping on my own," she announces.

"I know but it doesn't stop everyone from worrying," I comment.

"So what would you like for dinner?"

"Pasta, we can make pasta and vegetables from my mom's recipe. I can cook," I tell her.

"No you were working all day I'll cook, I have the recipe here," Clare says.

"Okay but let me help," I insist.

"Okay," she nods slowly.

We used to love making dinner together, Mom taught me and Adam to cook and Clare was a decent cook already. We'd come home from work and cook dinner together as we talked about our day then eat on the sofa watching TV or a movie. After Ezra was born I'd come home and start dinner while she fed him, then we'd put him in the swing or playpen or sometimes his carrier somewhere he could see us. Then we'd cook together, eat at the table and we'd clean together. Then I'd play with Ezra until it was time to put him to bed and give Clare some time to herself.

Tonight we don't smile, we don't even talk we just cook in this stressed silence. When dinner is ready we sit on the sofa and I put on the TV. I'm quite hungry and I devour mine but Clare just stares at hers. Actually I don't think she's really staring at her food I think she's lost in her head but her eyes happen to be in the direction of her food.

"I'm not really hungry I'm going to take a shower," she tells me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah just a lot on my mind it's kind of killing my appetite. I promise you don't have to call the men in white coats."

"You can't blame me for being worried Clare and you seemed to be having a fine time with Ricky, smiling and stuff. Then I get home and you can't seem to get far enough away from me," I point out.

"Drew that's not true. When Ricky was here I was wearing a mask, I didn't want him to see me at my worst. You're my husband I shouldn't have to hide things from you, unless you want me to walk around with a fake smile on my face?"

"No of course not I just…never mind go and shower."

"Just what?"

"Nothing Clare I'm just still a little jealous I guess."

"I already told you there's nothing to be jealous of Drew. I love you and things are just…weird right now. Ezra's gone we're starting to accept that and now we have to find us again," Clare says.

"You are right and very smart so maybe we should get away this weekend, just the two of us."

"Away?" She questions slowly.

"A night Clare you have to try. I'll make reservations at a romantic bed and breakfast not far from the house and we'll do anything you want."

"Okay for Saturday night but if I need to come home that needs to be okay," she says.

"I promise," I grin.

She goes upstairs to shower and never comes back down, after eating I go to check on her and find her asleep in bed. I decide to let her sleep and so I put her dinner in the fridge and clean up. Then get out my laptop and find a reasonably priced bed and breakfast that's just a half-hour drive from the house and make a reservation for Saturday night. Thank goodness it's not quite tourist season yet or I never would have gotten one. I do some more planning and go to bed a little after eleven. When I wake up on Friday morning Clare is already awake, she's in the living room and staring into space again. I'm not sure what's better; when she was crying all the time or now that she's staring into space all the time. At least when she was crying I knew she was sad, I knew why and I even knew what she was thinking, at least in a way. When she just stares into space it's like she's gone, turned off and almost dead, she's just blank and I have no idea what she's feeling or thinking.

"I'm going to work," I speak up but she doesn't move so I go over sitting on the sofa at her feet and touch her leg. Her eyes blink and she looks at me as if she were a robot I just turned on. "I'm leaving for work, I might be home late again should I call Adam or Owen to check on you? I mean to have dinner with you a…" I begin to correct myself but Clare cuts me off.

"It's okay Ricky's coming over again remember?"

"Right well I'll call on my lunch, just make sure you eat today."

She nods and I leave the house stopping at a coffee shop to grab some breakfast. At first I never wanted to leave the house, right after Ezra died I felt just like Clare. I felt that if I was at the house I was near my son but now that I'm out of the house most days I actually dread going back. The house feels suffocating and I want to remember Ezra but most of the memories that come to me when I'm home are of Ezra being sick, Clare worried, she and I fighting about it, rushing him to the hospital and memories of right after he died when Clare and I were too depressed to even eat. The atmosphere in the house is depressing and stifling and it makes it hard to go home. The thing that usually brings me home is worry about Clare and wanting to be with my wife, but then I get home and she doesn't want to be with me.

My day goes by like any other, I teach the kids and keep myself from thinking what Ezra might have been like if he'd reached that age. I call Clare at lunch and she promises to eat. I consider calling Adam or someone to look in on her but she is trying and I need to let her try. The kindergartners leave at the end of their day and I grab an early dinner so I'm not fighting on a full stomach. I show up to the gym early tonight and sign up for a match before I start warming up. I fight in three tonight, losing two but winning one and I'm pretty sore as I drive home. I find Clare asleep again clutching a little square book covered with checkered blue and white fabric. I decide not to disturb her so I take a quick shower to rinse off but am too sore to wash right now. After the shower I go downstairs and lie on the sofa putting some ice packs on the bruises, when I take the ice packs off I grab some muscle cream and rub that in and I fall asleep on the sofa.

(CLARE)

I wake up two in the morning again, I don't really mean to wake up at two but lately I've been drugging myself to sleep around six or seven at night. It's a dead sleep I don't even dream I'm just totally unconscious. Then I wake up at two feeling like I slept but still groggy and out of it. I get up and suddenly realize Drew isn't in bed, I never heard him come home either, of course I was asleep before seven and he wasn't home at that point. I doubt he'd be sleeping in the nursery but I decide to check anyway. When I go out to the hall I can faintly hear the TV and see the flickering lights from it so I go downstairs and find him asleep on the sofa. I see a tube of muscle cream on the coffee table and he's dressed in sweat pants, which he doesn't wear to bed.

"Drew," I call his name quietly and shake him gently. He stirs and then yawns, his eyes open, he goes to move but groans in pain. "What happened? Why didn't you come to bed? Why do you sound like you're in pain for the second time this week?"

"Nothing I'm fine, I just got home late and didn't want to come to bed and disturb you. What time is it?" Drew questions.

"A little after two in the morning and if you were just worried about disturbing me then why is the muscle cream out?"

"I was still sore from the soccer ball the other day," Drew replies.

"Well then maybe we should take you to the doctor you might have cracked a rib."

"Even if I did crack a rib all the doctor would do is tape it up. I'll be fine don't worry about me, I'll come to bed," he says getting up and trying to hide the pain he feels from me.

"You can take the bed but I'm awake now, I fell asleep around seven," I tell him.

"Oh, you want me to stay up with you?"

"No you get to bed, you need to sleep I think I'll proof my article one more time before sending it in."

Drew gets up and kisses me softly before going up to bed. I'm sure he's hiding something from me I'm just not sure what. I don't think it's an affair, the one and only time he was even tempted he was drunk and really angry at me but I had just blamed him for Ezra's death. He got so drunk he totally passed out and didn't remember anything. Anyway I don't think he'd sound like he was in pain if he was having an affair, unless he suddenly got into S&M but that seems unlikely.

I actually do proof my article again but that takes me less than an hour and then I send it out to my boss. I realize I left Ezra's memory book upstairs and this time I don't want to disturb Drew so I go upstairs and sit in the nursery. I sit in the rocking chair, rocking at first but as I become lost in my mind I stop rocking. When I feel a hand on my shoulder I gasp slightly and look up to see Drew giving me a worried look.

"How long have you been in here?" Drew asks.

"I don't know a while, what time is it?"

"After eight, let's get some breakfast. We can't check into the bed and breakfast until four but we can do anything you want today. What would you like to do?" Drew asks pulling me from the rocking chair.

"I don't know, a walk maybe."

"A walk sounds good we can go down by the water, maybe walk through Central Park," Drew suggests as we walk downstairs.

I just nod as we go into the kitchen and Drew starts getting out stuff to make breakfast. Once I realize what he's making I help him and we sit down at the table to eat. I eat a little and then we get dressed and leave the house. I've gone out before but just for short bursts and it takes us almost an hour to even get to central park. After an hour of walking through the park I'm feeling the need to get back home.

"Can we go home now?" I ask Drew.

"Yeah sure," Drew nods.

We walk back to the subway and take it back to the car before driving home. Drew makes lunch but I'm not that hungry and I just nibble some baby carrots. After we eat we pack for our night away but I'm not staying out for a night without two things. I get the memory book Ricky helped me make yesterday and then I take Ezra's baby blanket, the one we swaddled him in every night, the one that still smells like him and I cut a small piece of it roughly 3x3 inches and put it in my purse. We still have almost an hour before we can check into the bed and breakfast so we park at the bed and breakfast and walk around the neighborhood a bit. We're not that far from the house but I've never been to this neighborhood before. At four we walk back to the B&B and check in.

"This will be good; this is what we need a night away. Where do you want to have dinner?"

"I don't know, I'm not that hungry," I reply.

"How about somewhere exotic? I saw an African place down the street," Drew offers.

"No something simple," I shake my head.

"Italian then you always like Italian," Drew comments and I nod taking the memory book from my suitcase. "Can I see?" Drew requests and I sit on the bed with him.

"I filled it with as many pictures as I could find, I wish we had more pictures of him," I say as Drew takes the book and opens it.

The first page is a sonogram of Ezra; Ricky decorated the page with little hearts and baby bottles. Ricky told me to write a little something on each page, a memory about the pictures so I wrote at the bottom how excited Drew and I were to find out I was pregnant. The next two pages are all pictures from the day he was born. I wrote about how happy everyone was and how many people came to welcome him to the world. The book has twenty pages, each one filled with pictures and my words, I wrote everything like I was writing to Ezra.

"It's beautiful," Drew smiles.

"I miss him Drew, I miss him so much," I sob and put my head on my husband's shoulder.

"I know Clare, I miss him too. So much it hurts and I think we always will but we miss him so much because we love him so deeply," Drew says putting his arm around me.

"I wish it would stop hurting. I wish I didn't feel anymore."

Update next Tuesday will pick up from around here and include the rest of their night away.