If you missed last night's chapter then you missed the A/N so here it is again. We are implementing new systems at work and while we figure out the new systems work is going to be a little crazy. Along with my dad's birthday this Saturday you can expect a week of short chapters including this one. I will do all I can not to skip a chapter but they will be short this week at least, possibly next week too but hopefully not.

Ch. 8 I Sink & I Swim

(DREW)

"Why don't we find a place to eat dinner, somewhere near the water where we can walk after?" I suggest to Clare after a few minutes.

"I'm not very hungry," Clare shakes her head.

"We'll walk first then," I assert and Clare nods.

We leave the room and I search for places to eat on my phone. I find a quiet place by the water with a good rating and have my phone take us there. I park close to the restaurant and we get out of the car to walk along the water. I put my arm around Clare and we start walking slowly and in silence. I don't really mind the silence but it's an uncomfortable tense silence. We used to walk in silence all the time just happy to be together but this feels different and I feel the need to break the silence.

"So have you given any more thought to going back to work?" I ask her.

"Some, my boss said I could work at home for the most part and just be in the office a few days a week. I'm still not sure that I'm ready but if I don't do something I'm not sure I'll ever make it out of this."

"That's good, I'm proud of you for trying and taking that step it's a big step. I didn't want to go back to work either but it helps, I promise it helps. You've never liked sitting around and doing nothing, you even tried to get a jump on student council business while you were in the hospital sick with cancer," I remind her.

"I know but we were kids then, I just wanted to be a normal kid and think about the possibility I could die. Instead my son died and I'm trying to figure out how to go on knowing he's gone," she says.

"I know it's hard Clare but you'll feel better. I know you and I know if you're out in the world doing things and being functional you'll feel better. I'll do whatever you need to make it easier for you," I tell her and she nods.

We're silent again for a couple of minutes and then we start talking about Adam and Paige's wedding in a few weeks. After walking for about an hour she decides she can eat and we walk back to the restaurant. Dinner has the same uncomfortable silence, part of the problem is I really don't know what's okay to talk about. If I talk about work or Ezra it could set her off, we've already talked about her going back and the wedding. I pay for dinner and we drive back to the B&B going into our room.

"You want to watch a movie? The manager said they have a whole DVD collection," I suggest when we get back to the room.

"Sure," Clare nods.

I leave the room and go out to the main room where all the DVDs are. I pick one out and return to the room, I get the DVD cued up and turn out the lights getting on the bed with Clare. I start the DVD and get comfortable on the bed, Clare remains a few inches away from me so I put out my arm and she moves over getting in my arm. She lies on her back using my arm as her pillow. As the movie continues she slowly rolls over to her side and puts her arm on my chest. After a while more she moves again, moving down and putting her head on my chest, only her head goes down on a bruise and I can't help but grunt.

"Sorry," she apologizes sitting up quickly. "Wait I thought your cracked rib was on the other side," she says turning on the bedside lamp and pulling up my shirt before I can stop her. "Drew what happened?!" She exclaims upon seeing the multitude of bruises on my torso from MMA fighting. "And don't tell me it's from the kids in your class. Unless they all jumped on you and began hitting…" she pauses as a realization hits her. "Andrew tell me you haven't been amateur MMA fighting again?"

"Well I…I needed an outlet for my anger."

"So you put your life in danger by fighting? You've already had two concussions we just lost a child and you thought it was a good idea to go fight strangers with no gloves or protection!" She hisses angrily leaping off the bed.

"I was angry, incredibly angry about losing my son and not being able to help you and this resentment you seem to have toward me. I was filled with rage Clare and when punching my punching bag felt good so I found an MMA club and fighting other people felt really good. I was getting out all my rage and even losing the fights felt good you wouldn't understand."

"You're right Drew I wouldn't understand, I don't understand how you could do that again after your concussions! I don't understand how you could put your life in danger like that. Or does it just not matter to you? Do you not care about me at all?"

"Of course I do Clare I love you, you know that I love you."

"Then you can't do MMA anymore Drew. Just how long did you think you could hide this from me?"

"Well you'll barely look at me let alone do anything intimate with me so I didn't think you'd see my bare chest anytime soon," I respond and about half way through realize it's not a good thing to say but I can't seem to stop myself. Clare glowers at me, screams in ire and runs into the washroom slamming and locking the door. "Clare I…that's not…I'm sorry," I stumble over an apology and sit on the bed. I put my head in my hands and wonder just how to get my foot of my mouth. After a few minutes I realize Clare is crying in the washroom, I hear soft sobbing through the door. I get off the bed and knock on the washroom door. "Clare please open the door, I'm sorry I didn't mean that. Not the way it sounded, it came out wrong. I know MMA was stupid, I'm sorry Clare really sorry, it was dumb and I wasn't thinking."

She opens the door and looks at me, "Promise me you won't do it anymore."

"I promise no more MMA fighting, it was dumb. But in all fairness you knew I was dumb when you married me."

"You're not dumb just no more MMA," Clare asserts putting her arms around my neck and kissing me softly. "I feel like a shower you want to join me?" Clare offers and I grin.

"I would absolutely love to join you in the shower."

I kiss her again and she steps back into the washroom. I turn on the water and begin adjusting the temperature, by the time I have it right Clare's already undressed. From the first time we showered together she let me undress her, but since Ezra's death this is only the second time we've showered together. She'll barely get intimate with me, I feel like she barely kisses me and I hate it because all I want to do is have her in my arms, touch her skin and feel her again but I keep reminding myself that she needs time. She steps into the shower and I undress, when I get in she's just standing under the water.

"Drew," she gasps getting a look at all my bruises. She puts her hand on my arm and turns me so she can look at my back. "Drew you're covered in bruises I don't understand how you could do this to yourself," she says gently brushing her fingertips over my bruised back.

"No more, I promise. They're not that bad really it's just a few bruises; they'll go away in a few days. Don't think about the bruises why don't you turn around and I'll rub your shoulders," I suggest.

She smiles softly and turns around letting the hot water run down her back while I rub her shoulders. I keep going until the water begins to turn cold and then I turn off the water and we get out. Clare goes out to the room and gets her pajamas on; she comes back into the washroom and bushes her teeth.

"You want to finish the movie?" I ask Clare.

"No I'm pretty tired can we just go to bed?"

"Yeah of course," I nod getting some boxers on and turning off the lights in the bedroom. I go in and brush my teeth and Clare's in bed when I come out again. I get in the bed and she's on her side with her back to me. "You know you won't hurt me if you let me hold you," I tell her.

"Yes I will you're all covered in bruises and I don't want to make it worse."

"You won't and this night was supposed to be about us, a night away together remember?"

She takes a minute and then rolls over and into my arms. It's one of the few times I've fallen asleep with her in my arms since Ezra's death, at least without us crying to sleep. I wake up early when I feel Clare get out of my arms to use the washroom. It's 6:30 and breakfast is at seven so we get dressed and ready for the day before going out to the main room for breakfast. There's four other couples here and the couple that runs the place. Clare is uncomfortable; she says nothing and stuffs herself with two waffles and some fruit. I talk a little but mostly leave the chatter to the other couples.

"We really should be getting home," Clare says after breakfast excusing herself from the table.

"Breakfast was wonderful thank you," I say to the owners and follow Clare to the room where I find her packing. "We don't have to be out until eleven," I remind her.

"I know but I want to go home now."

"Okay we'll go home, at least you handled a night out of the house," I reply going into the washroom to help her pack. We get packed up and check out and I drive us home. Clare pauses in the car when I pull up to the driveway. I get out and get the bags but she stays in the car. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine just thinking," she replies.

"About?" I prod.

"Nothing," she shakes her head finally getting out of the car. I unlock the door and we go inside and she stops inside the door.

"Clare?"

"I'm just…thinking," she says slowly.

"Okay well I'll take the bag upstairs and if you care to share what you're thinking about I'm all ears," I tell her taking the bag upstairs. I unpack the dirty clothes and put our toiletries in the washroom, when I leave our bedroom I find Clare in the nursery sitting in the rocking chair. She clutches the memory book and a patch of Ezra's baby blanket. "Clare? You need anything?" I ask from the doorway.

"No," she shakes her head, "I just need some time alone."

"Okay I'll be right downstairs if you need me."

She nods and I go downstairs turning on the TV, there's a game on so I absentmindedly watch it. After a couple of hours I get up to make some food, I go upstairs and check on Clare. I ask her if she's hungry and she just shakes her head. I feel like I should press but I decide it's best not to too so I go down and start making a sandwich when our front door opens and my brother comes in.

"Hey little bro," I greet.

"Hey," he grins closing the door and then comes over smacking me upside the head.

"Ow what did I do?"

"MMA fighting Drew? Really? You're lucky I didn't tell Mom."

"How did you even…Clare told you. When did she tell you? She just found out last night," I comment.

"And I found out last night, I thought you knew by now she and I tell each other pretty much everything. Especially when it comes to you," Adam replies.

"Yeah I probably should have known and I already promised her no more," I tell my brother taking my sandwich to the sofa and Adam sits with me.

"Good so where is Clare?"

"In the nursery, in the rocking chair staring at nothing and thinking according to her. She won't tell me what she's thinking about and she says she's not hungry. She was doing pretty well last night, we didn't talk all that much but we showered together, she let me hold her while we were sleeping. Even talked about going back to work but now I'm wondering if it did more harm than good."

(CLARE)

My hands shake a little as I lock the car door and I take a deep breath to steady my nerves. I approach the building on shaking legs, I wasn't this nervous on my first day but this is different. I'm not nervous to be here, not nervous to talk to people or praying that I get the job. This time the nerves are something different.

"Welcome back Clare," Jordan grins at me when I show my badge at security. I smile politely and walk to the elevator. He's not the only one to welcome me back nearly everyone I pass welcomes me back with a pity filled look and I smile politely.

"Clare welcome back, I'm so happy to see you," Deena says getting up from her desk to hug me.

"Thanks Deena, is Steven in?"

"Yeah go on in I'm sure he'll be delighted to see you. We're all very excited that you're back. You are back aren't you?"

"That's what I want to talk to Steven about," I reply and walk into my editor's office.

"Clare it's good to see you, you look much better than the last time I was at the house," Steven says.

"Yeah I heard about that, sorry I was not quite ready for company then," I apologize.

"Please no apologies after what you went through and I came on a terrible day. I should have called first but you're here I hope it's good news."

"I want to return to work, uh part time anyway and I still want to work from home for most of it. Maybe be in the office one day a week but I need to return to work. Everyone keeps telling me I need to return to work, I need to do something and feel productive and get out of the house or I'll go crazy. Of course I feel like if I leave the house I'm going to go crazy but you know I have to start somewhere a…I'm talking too much sorry I'm a little nervous," I apologize again.

"That's alright we would love to have you back even part time. You can come in any day you like when you're ready. I have several assignments you can do from home on your own time the article you sent was fabulous. I'll have Nora send you a packet later today if that's alright?"

"Yes that's great thanks Sir," I smile and leave his office.

"Hey does this mean you're back?" Ricky asks when he sees me.

"Part time anyway, I have to do something I think everyone is losing patience with me. Plus if I don't try something I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to and I'm not going to end up the crazy lady that sits in the rocking chair in her dead son's room for the rest of her life."

"Aww you're not going to be the crazy lady. You know it's okay not to be ready for this," Ricky says putting an arm around me and walking me to the elevator.

"I know but Adam and Paige are getting married in a few weeks and if I can't do this I don't know that I can handle a wedding, let alone bridesmaid duties," I tell him as the door dings open and Ricky comes with me on the elevator. "Drew and I spent Saturday night at a Bed & Breakfast; it was actually pretty nice until breakfast the next morning. Sitting around a table with these other couples that were talking happily and gazing at each other with love in their eyes, I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to talk to them; I didn't want to hear their stories about romantic weekends and anniversaries. I barely made it through that without crying and if I couldn't do that how am I going to watch two of my very best friends get married and get through a whole wedding with a smile on my face. So I figured work was a good trial run."

"You can do this, I've seen you face down murderers and corrupt politicians," Ricky tells me. We've reached my car now and he hugs me tightly.

"Thanks Ricky," I smile, "Steven is sending me over a packet later I might need some research."

"I'm your man; you want me to bring the packet over?"

"No it's about lunch time at Drew's school I think I'll go talk to him. Tell him about returning to work it will make him happy."

Update next Tuesday picking up with Clare surprising Drew at work.