As usual Tuesday was my busiest day putting this chapter on the shorter side but I hope you enjoy it anyway.
The whole chapter ended up being in Drew's pov.
Ch. 9 I Miss My Life
(DREW)
"Are you busy Mr. Torres?" Principal Mueller asks opening my classroom door.
"No just cleaning up," I reply looking over to see the principal is with someone else. A girl, maybe twenty or so with long wavy honey blonde hair, she's thin but not rail thin and tall she looks like she's maybe 5'9.
"Drew this is Lisandra Palmer she'll be one of our student teachers next year. She'll be working in your classroom and Miss Marsh's classroom. She came by to fill out the last of her paperwork and I thought I'd introduce her to the teachers she'd be working with next year," Principal Mueller tells me.
"Oh great it's nice to meet you Miss Palmer," I smile.
"You too but please call me Lisandra," she replies just as Principal Mueller gets a call on her cell phone.
"Drew I have to go deal with something would you mind showing Lisandra around and bringing her back to the office?"
"Uh sure," I nod.
We all leave my classroom and I lock it up, I put my hand at Lisandra's back and guide her down the hall. I show her around and answer a few questions before returning my classroom where I find my wife leaning on the wall next to the door.
"Are you okay?" I question kissing her cheek as I unlock the door.
"Yeah I came to surprise you who was that girl?" Clare asks following me into the classroom.
"Lisandra, she'll be working here next year as a teacher's aide while she finishes school."
"Do you think she's pretty?" Clare asks as she begins helping me clean up.
Now I know what the look on her face was when I came to the door. I wonder how long she'd been standing there watching me show Lisandra around the school. I stop cleaning up and go over to her.
"Clare I would never cheat on you, the one time I came close I was so drunk I passed out. I only liked the attention from her because I wasn't getting any from you at home besides anger. I think Lisandra is pretty but I love you and I would never cheat on you," I assure her and she nods with tears in her eyes and puts her head on my chest clinging to my shirt. "Did you just drop by to see me and get out of the house or did you have something to tell me?" I question.
"I'm returning to work, mostly from home and part time at least for now but it's something," she says timidly.
"That's great Clare it's a big step, even if it's part time and mostly from home. I'm proud of you, really proud of you. Getting back to work will be good for you, it's been good for me. Why don't we go out to dinner to celebrate anywhere you want," I tell her.
"Okay," she says with a small smile.
"I'll finish here why don't you go home and get ready," I suggest and she nods. She starts walking for the door and I stop her, grabbing her for a quick kiss. Clare leaves and I go back to cleaning up when I hear the door open again. "Did you forget something?" I start to ask but turn and see Lisandra instead of Clare.
"I just wanted to say goodbye, was that woman I saw leaving your office your wife?"
"Yeah that was my wife Clare," I nod.
"She looked sad."
"We suffered a terrible tragedy fairly recently and it's been hard on both of us," I explain without going into too much detail as I barely know this girl.
"You know tragedy either brings you together or tears you apart. Well anyway Mueller said it would be okay if I observed the classrooms tomorrow since I have no classes so I'll see you tomorrow," Lisandra tells me before leaving.
I finish cleaning and hop in my car driving home, I find Clare in the washroom getting ready for dinner. She's wearing a blue and white dress and she's just getting her makeup on.
"You look beautiful, I'm going to change quickly and then we'll leave," I tell her kissing her cheek.
I change into slacks and a nice shirt and we leave, Clare wants to eat at her favorite Indian place so that's where I take her. We talk a little over dinner about what assignments she might take on at work and how much she'll go in. After dinner we return home, it's still pretty early and I have nothing to prepare for tomorrow so I sit down to watch TV while Clare goes upstairs. I find her on her laptop in bed when I go up a couple of hours later. I get ready for bed and she has the laptop off by the time I get in bed. I roll over and kiss her softly, she kisses me back and deepens the kiss. Our lips don't part and I begin to get turned on, I lift her nightie and caress her skin. My hand nearly reaching her breast but she pulls away from me.
"I can't, I'm not ready," she tells me pushing me away slightly and I sigh. "I'm sorry but we just lost our son and I just can't," she says as a few tears fall from her cheeks. Now I feel bad for making her cry and feel that way, I try to wipe her tears and she flinches away.
"It's okay Clare, you went back to work that was a big step if you're not ready to have sex yet that's okay. I'll just go take care of it myself," I tell her.
She nods and I go into the washroom, when I come out several minutes later Clare isn't there. She left a note on the bed saying she went for a drive. I try calling and texting but she doesn't answer either one. I don't know what to do but I'm not tired anymore so I get up and watch TV until she returns home a couple hours later.
"I was hoping you'd be asleep," she says locking the door behind her.
"Why'd you leave?" I question as she sets her purse down and sits next to me.
"Honestly I didn't want to see your face when you came out of the washroom. I felt bad for not being in the mood and you having to masturbate, and for pushing you away. It's not that I don't find you sexy or attractive anymore because I do, very much. It's just…I'm still hurting, a lot and it's hard to feel sexy or attractive or in the mood when I'm still in so much pain," she tells me while looking at her hands.
"I felt badly for pushing you, I understand that you aren't ready and I'm still hurting too. I guess we're hurting in different ways or it affects us differently but I'm still hurting and I miss Ezra every day. I know you don't feel beautiful and sexy but you are beautiful and sexy," I tell her taking her hand. She interlaces our fingers but still won't look at me.
"I also think I'm scared," she says quietly.
"Scared of what? Of me? Of sex?" I question confused.
"Of getting pregnant again, having another child and losing them too," she admits in a voice that's so timid and choked by tears that I hardly hear her.
It's not until she says it that I realize I have the same fear. I didn't even know that I had this fear but now that she's said it my chest seizes up at the thought. I'm terrified of her becoming pregnant again, going through all those months of the pregnancy and falling in love with a baby and then have that baby die. I don't know what to say, I can barely talk now that I realize I have the same fear.
I kiss the back of her hand and she puts her head on my shoulder. She's sobbing slightly and I let her sob while I hold her.
"I have the same fear," I tell her after a few moments. "We won't have sex until you're ready of course and when we do we'll use birth control."
"I know I'm just not ready, not yet. I can barely function for the day to day stuff right now."
"I know and it's okay, I'm not mad and you're doing good. I'm not exactly functioning yet either, I get through work and all and I get home. When I'm at school I often don't even remember to eat. For the rest I just sort of push it away, part of me feels like I have to, I have to be strong for you and honestly having to worry about you has allowed me to not…well deal with it."
"You don't have to worry about me, I'm okay I mean I'm getting better. I went back to work and everything."
"I know and I'm proud of you," I say kissing her forehead. "I think we should go to bed now, we both have to get up for work tomorrow."
Clare nods and we return to bed. We get in and fall asleep pretty quickly both of us waking to the alarm the next morning. I get out of bed and go to the washroom when I return to the bedroom Clare isn't in it. I find her downstairs making coffee and breakfast.
"We both need to eat before getting to work, even if I am working from home," she says.
"Looks great can I help?"
"No I can do it you go get ready for work," she tells me.
I kiss her temple and go upstairs, I get dressed and ready for work and when I come downstairs she has breakfast on the table. She sits and eats with me, that is she nibbles a little and sips her coffee and we eat in silence. She does kiss me goodbye and we wish each other a good day at work. I get to the school and open my classroom, a few kids arrive this early so when the door opens I expect it to be one of my kids only I find Lisandra instead.
"Can I help set up or anything?" She asks.
"I thought you were just observing?
"It doesn't mean I can't help."
"Nothing to help with right now."
"How are things with you and your wife?"
"I don't mean to sound rude but that's really none of your business," I tell her.
Before she can say anything else the door opens and one of my students comes in. I introduce the girl to Lisandra and ask her to show Lisandra around the classroom. She only stays in my class for the morning before going to observe one of the other kindergarten classrooms. I go straight home as soon as I'm done at the school and I find Clare cleaning, scrubbing the oven clean and it looks like she's been cleaning all day as the kitchen sparkles.
"Did you get any work done?" I inquire locking the front door.
"Yes I wrote my article and sent it off two hours ago and realized how very dirty the house is. I had no idea it was so dirty," she tells me while she continues scrubbing the oven.
"The house was not dirty Clare, it's like you went mega spring cleaning," I comment trying to pull her from the oven and she bats at my hand.
"It was filthy, it hasn't been clean in months," she replies.
I figure it's better not to argue so I take my stuff upstairs, I set down my briefcase and take off my shoes and socks. I return downstairs and Clare seems to be done cleaning the oven, she's standing and taking off her gloves. She's got oven grease, ash smudges and other spots of dirt all over her white shirt and sweat shorts she's wearing.
"Why don't you go take a shower and I'll get things…tidy up down here and start dinner," I comment.
"No I'll clean up and take a quick shower then make dinner," she shakes her head.
"Clare you don't need to do everything," I say but she's already cleaning up the cleaning supplies she had out. I begin to help her put everything away and she doesn't argue or stop me.
"I'll take a quick shower and make dinner," Clare tells me before running upstairs.
I watch her go and look around, the entire kitchen has been scrubbed clean, totally sanitized it could pass a hospital inspection. I just keep staring at it puzzled and amazed and honestly a little scared. It's like Clare was stolen and replaced with a cleaning robot or Stepford Wife. I'm so lost in puzzling over it that I don't hear the front door open.
"Whoa you guys get a maid?" Adam questions and I look over at him as he closes the front door.
"No it was Clare, she went back to work today and apparently after finishing her article decided the house was so dirty it needed to be scrubbed clean. I'm pretty sure the kitchen's never been so clean."
"So where is she?" Adam questions.
"Ran upstairs to shower before making dinner."
"So she started working again, scoured the entire kitchen and she's going to cook too?" Adam inquires cocking an eyebrow and giving me a slightly scolding look.
"It wasn't my idea, I told her not to clean or make dinner," I reply.
"Well maybe we should make dinner while she's in the shower so she can't make dinner at all," Adam suggests and I nod.
"Yeah good idea, what about Paige?" I ask while I look in the fridge to see what we have to eat.
"Having dinner with some girlfriends from work," Adam responds. Adam and I start cooking when Clare comes downstairs, she's freshly showered and in clean clothes.
"Hi Adam," Clare greets him, "what are you guys doing?"
"Making dinner you should relax," Adam replies and she blinks at him as if she has no idea what the word relax means.
"I said I would make dinner," she responds.
"I know but you did a lot today and we don't want you to burn out. Just relax, watch TV or something," I assert. She looks at us a second and then walks farther into the kitchen trying to grab a knife and chopping block but Adam stops her.
"Sit, relax," he orders her pointing to the sofa.
She gives up going to the sofa and turns on the TV and we continue making dinner. I get absorbed in what I'm doing and I'm not really looking at Clare but when I look back she's organizing the bookshelves that are on either side of the of the TV.
"Are you sure it was good for her to go back to work?" Adam whispers.
"It was her decision; she came to the school and told me that she was returning to work. She's part time and working mostly from home."
"She can't keep going like this," Adam comments but still keeps his voice down.
"I know, maybe it's just nervous energy from returning to work. She's being a little neurotic being back in the world. If it keeps up I'll talk to her, force her to stop working or cut back or something," I sigh because I really have no idea what to do if this keeps up.
"Well at least you'll have an extremely clean house," Adam smiles.
The three of us eat dinner and then Adam and I clean up while Clare finishes organizing the bookshelves. Adam leaves after cleaning up and I try to get Clare to watch TV but she's moved on to cleaning out the hall closet. When she finishes that she's finally tired enough to go to bed so I go upstairs with her. We get in bed and she falls asleep pretty quickly. When I know she's asleep I fall asleep. I wake up when I roll over and don't feel her in the bed, I sit up feeling her side of the bed but she's not in bed at all. The washroom door is open and there's no light on, I get up and check it anyway but she's not in there. I leave the bedroom and see a light on downstairs and that's where I find her, cleaning the downstairs washroom, in her nightie, and scrubbing it sparkling clean like the kitchen.
"Clare come back to bed," I yawn.
"I can't, I can't sleep thinking about how dirty the house is."
"It's not dirty Cl…"
"Yes it is," she bites back in such a venomous tone it makes me jump.
I don't want to argue and I'm not going to drag her out so I just back up. However I can't sleep now so I sit on the sofa watching TV. Clare finishes in the washroom and she's finally exhausted herself. She sits on the sofa with me and we both fall asleep. Waking up only an hour later when my alarm goes off, I groan but I can't call in again. I force myself up and go up to the bedroom to hop in a shower. When I come down Clare's not only up and dressed but she's making breakfast again.
"Clare you're going to kill yourself if you keep going like this."
"I'm fine; I have lots and lots of energy. For weeks I barely did anything but cry and sleep and now I have lots of energy and this house really needs to be cleaned. I might not be ready to have sex yet but I can cook for you," she tells me setting a plate in front of me.
"Yes I like the cooking part, even the cleaning the part but I don't want you to burn out," I comment.
"I'm fine, really Drew I just have all this energy and I need to clean," she insists sitting at the table to eat.
All the energy has given her her appetite back as she eats all her breakfast instead of just nibbling at it. I decide her need to clean is like my taking up MMA again; she's working out her aggression. At least she's not hurting people or trying to get herself hurt. Eventually she'll run out of rooms to clean or work it all out, so I decide the best thing to do is let her clean obsessively if it's what she needs. After breakfast I finish getting dressed and leave for the school. Lisandra is not in class today she was only observing yesterday. The day floats by and I do my best not to think of Ezra or Clare. I get home at five to find a roast in the oven, a salad in the fridge and Clare cleaning the living room from top to bottom.
"So did you work today too?" I question when she turns off the vacuum.
"Yes and Steven loved my article yesterday, I finished another one today had it done and edited by one. Then realized just how filthy the living room was. Do you have any idea how much dust and dirt was gathered behind the TV?"
"A lot I imagine, can I do anything to help with dinner?" I question.
"No it's all done the timer will ding when the roast is finished," she says as she begins moving things back having thoroughly vacuumed. I help her move the sofa back into place as the oven dings.
While Clare runs upstairs to put on fresh clothes and clean up a little for dinner I take the roast out. I take the salad from the fridge and set the table. We eat together talking about our days and it almost feels normal again. I insist on cleaning up dinner and force her upstairs telling her to relax. Only when I come upstairs I find her staring at Ezra's room, I don't think that's actually relaxing although she's not cleaning or cooking.
"You want to watch some TV or something?" I query and she doesn't respond.
I'm truly beginning to think she's been replaced by a robot because it's as if she's powered down. Just shut off and is not even mentally aware of anything. I really don't know what to do so I just leave her there, whatever process she's going through in her mind she must need. I go into the bedroom and do some things on my laptop for a while and after nearly two hours Clare comes in and gets on her own laptop. When I look over she seems to be doing research for her article tomorrow. We get ready for bed early but neither of us slept very much, we get in bed and she kisses me goodnight and then she keeps kissing. She's initiating so I let her take the lead but I'm getting turned on. I'm contemplating making a further move when she suddenly breaks the kiss.
"Ezra's room," she says.
"Not really what I want to hear when we're kissing," I comment.
"It must be just buried in dust, it's never been really thoroughly cleaned," she remarks and hops out of the bed.
She runs out of the room and I fall back on the bed with a sigh, "Great I wonder how long this cleaning stage is going to last."
Update next Tuesday picking up from about here probably.