Next week is September one shot week so there will be no long story or short story updates. Check the DeGrassi Saviors website for a fully calendar.

Ten chapters! Thanks to everyone who reads and to those that take time to review so I know my readers thoughts, what they want to see more of and less of. I appreciate you all especially with how hard this story can be.

Ch. 10 His Death Must be Killin' Me

(DREW)

After a few minutes I get up, I'm no longer horny so I just get ready for bed. Before getting in bed I go check on Clare, she's still in Ezra's room and she's actually dusting.

"Are you coming to bed?" I question.

"Soon I just need to finish dusting there's so much dust," she replies.

I'm not even going to try to argue, I still think this is like my MMA fighting and she just needs to work out some aggression. So I go to bed and fall asleep quickly. Woken up a few hours later when I hear the vacuum going, I look at the clock and see that it's a little after two in the morning. I get up and go into Ezra's room where she's vacuuming the floor, not only vacuuming but she's moved everything off the carpet and moved all the furniture that she could manage to move on her own.

"Clare," I call but she doesn't hear me over the vacuum.

She's moving really fast despite that she hasn't slept yet and it's two in the morning and as far as I know she didn't nap at all today. A new thought occurs to me, a less comforting thought than that she's just working out aggression. Drugs, maybe she started taking something, a narcotic either legal or not legal to help her cope. I know people have done it but I can't picture that with my wife. Clare is not the type to take drugs, not willingly. Still given her behavior it's something to be considered and while she continues cleaning I start snooping. I look through her purse, her desk, her dresser draws, the closet, under the bed, the kitchen, garage and everywhere else I can think of but find no evidence of drugs. I check our stash of emergency cash but it's all there. I even log onto the bank to see where Clare's been spending money or if she's taken out any large cash withdrawals but there's nothing, she's only used her card for gas. At this point I don't think it's drugs and it's better than Clare being depressed but it's still scary in it's own way. She's done vacuuming and I go in to talk to her but she's not in Ezra's room. I find her on the sofa, she exhausted herself into sleep and passed out on the sofa. I don't want to disturb her so I cover her with a blanket and go back to bed. It's after 3am now and I need to be up in a couple of hours. I fall right to sleep but still feel dead tired when I wake up to my alarm. Clare is still asleep and she needs it so I get ready quietly and grab my stuff leaving the house as silently as I can. I drive to the coffee shop down the street, grab breakfast and then head into work before calling my brother.

"What's wrong?" Adam yawns.

"Sorry forgot you'd still be sleeping," I apologize.

"It's okay what's up?" Adam questions again.

"Can you go by and check on Clare please I'm worried about her," I request.

"Yeah of course do you want me to go by now?" Adam says slightly more awake but his voice is still graveled by sleep.

"No she's sleeping and she really needs it. Whenever you can get over there but give her a few hours to sleep."

"No problem I'll stop by before I head into the station," Adam says.

I thank my brother and hang up. I'm pretty tired but I get up and straighten the classroom and prep for the day. The kids are excited about the end of the year and we spend the day doing art and end of the year projects. After making sure all my kids have been picked up or are on the bus or at after school care I return to my classroom and find a missed call from Adam, so I call him back.

"She's cooking, a lot but she said she was okay," Adam tells me.

"You don't sound convinced," I reply.

"She's…hyper, weirdly hyper. She says she just has all this energy now and maybe that is the case but I feel like something is up. I tried to get her to talk to someone again and she insisted she was fine. You know what she's like."

"Yeah, I wish I knew what was going on with her or that she'd talk to someone. I'm done here I think I'll just pack up and head home and keep an eye on her."

"Yeah good idea, I'll be done at the station in a couple of hours if you need me to come over again," Adam says.

I tell him thanks and hang up, quickly straightening so the janitor can clean, and packing up everything I need. When I get home I find Clare still in the kitchen.

"Looks like you've been busy," I comment.

"Yes, got a lot done and I'm making lasagna for dinner," she tells me.

"From scratch apparently," I remark noting the pasta maker on the kitchen counter. It was a wedding gift which Clare used a couple of times but it usually lives in the garage.

"It's better from scratch, everything is fresh and handmade, nothing but the best for my fam…"she begins to say family talking fast as she bustles around the kitchen but then she stops. She closes her eyes and takes a breath, "Nothing but the best for my husband." She said it slowly and looked up at me with eyes that were begging, but begging for what I'm not sure. I stand there stunned and when I don't respond she goes back to moving around the kitchen at a rapid pace.

"Clare frozen lasagna would have been fine," I say going over and putting my hand on her arm.

"No it wouldn't," she shakes her head.

"Can I at least help?" I ask deciding it's just better not to argue with her.

"Umm sure I still need to make a salad," she replies.

"I can do that," I smile and grab the vegetable drawer from the fridge to make a salad.

While I make the salad I watch Clare closely, she just keeps buzzing around like a hummingbird. Since I'm pretty convinced that she's not taking any drugs I go back to my robot theory. We finish dinner and Clare even makes fresh garlic bread and I find out she made pie for dessert. My mom didn't even cook like this and it's really scaring me, I like the cooking and the cleaning is even good but she's doing it with such vigor I know something is wrong. We eat in silence and then Clare starts cleaning the kitchen; I don't ask if I can help or tell her to stop I just help her clean. When we're nearly done the doorbell rings and we let Adam in. Clare stops long enough to hug him and goes back to cleaning.

"I take it she's still in robot mode?"

"Yeah non-stop there's homemade lasagna and garlic bread if you're hungry. I know it's better than her being depressed but I don't like this either. I need to get out for a bit, watching her like this is exhausting and painful in a way. Can you just hang out with her for a couple of hours? You can call Paige over I'm sure Clare will be all too happy to cook for you guys."

"Yeah no problem I'll stay maybe she'll talk this time," Adam says. I'd worry about Clare hearing us but she's so involved in cleaning she wouldn't hear us anyway. Adam and I have been near the door but now we go into the kitchen.

"I'm going to go out for a bit, I have to do some stuff at the school but Adam hasn't had dinner yet so he's going to hang out for a bit," I tell Clare and she stops cleaning and looks at me.

"You're going to the school?"

"Yeah just to prep some stuff for tomorrow and run a couple of errands I'll be back in a couple of hours," I assure her.

"I hear there's lasagna," Adam speaks up giving her a soft smile.

"Yeah and garlic bread and salad, blackberry pie for dessert," Clare nods.

"Sounds great," Adam grins getting his phone and sending a text to Paige.

I kiss Clare's cheek and get back in my car, I lied about where I was going and I know I promised not to anymore but I need it tonight. Watching Clare…well go crazy it's driving me crazy and since my other outlet, or at least the only one I can think of right now, is to have sex and that's not happening a quick MMA bout seems like the best plan to me. At least that's what I'm telling myself. I drive to the club taking my button up shirt off in the car I go in with my undershirt and jeans, not great for fighting but if I changed at home then Clare and Adam would have been suspicious. I sign up for a fight and get one after about half an hour, I take off my shoes and socks and get in the ring. I guess I have a lot of pent up aggression because after my opponent kicks me once I manage to slam him to the ground and pin him there. The ref calls it and I let my opponent up, he gets more aggressive pushing me into the chain-link fence that makes up the wall of the cage. Still I get the upper hand after a couple of minutes and pin him to the floor again, he stays and I win the match. I feel better now, much better and it's time to get home, hopefully Adam got Clare to talk or at least stop cleaning for a bit.

When I pull up to the house it's quiet and Clare's car is gone but Adam's is still here. I unlock the door and go inside, no one is downstairs so I go upstairs and Ezra's room looks like a hurricane hit it. Adam is in here picking up broken glass.

"What the hell happened? Where's Clare?"

"She took off after this. She's hurting Drew more than we realized. She's going insane and unraveling fast and we can't help her. She refuses to go to a psychiatrist or therapist or grief support group. She can't keep this up though she'll kill herself, which I think might be her intention," Adam says and my heart stops.

"You think she's suicidal?"

"Not consciously no but I think on a subconscious level she's maybe hoping or trying to kill herself because she's so consumed with grief, anger and guilt. She needs help Drew and she's not going to let any of us help her but I know someone that might help," Adam tells me putting a piece of paper in my hand. I look down and see a name and a phone number written on it.

"Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me."

(CLARE)

"This is really good Clare, you'll have to give Paige the recipe although she's not one to make things from scratch usually," Adam says eating the dinner I heated up for him.

"I can still give her the recipe, you can use store bought noodles and sauce," I reply as I finish cleaning the kitchen.

"So did you get any work done today? Drew said you were up pretty late."

"Yeah I wrote an article, I mostly have fluff pieces, I finished in an hour and sent it to Steven. I'll be upstairs if you need anything," I tell Adam before returning upstairs to finish my earlier project. I kneel in the doorway picking up the screwdriver. Taking screws out of solid wood by hand proves harder than I expected and it's slow going. It becomes almost meditative, I begin to space out and just continually turn the screwd barely noticing when it falls out and I begin on the other one. After some time I get that one out and the hinge falls, the broken piece of wood swings.

"You're fixing the door?" Adam questions and his voice breaks me from my meditative thoughts.

"It's broken," I reply standing up to take off the top hinge.

"Yes it's been broken for a while, I didn't know you knew how to do this," Adam comments.

"I lived with Jake and Glen long enough to pick some stuff up. The door needs to be fixed, I got a new one."

"The room looks very clean," Adam remarks.

"I had to clean it; there was so much dust and dirt. At first I didn't want to touch anything I wanted it to stay as it was," I comment as I begin unscrewing the other hinge.

"Hang on there's an easier way to that," Adam comments and he runs downstairs. I hear him going into the garage and then he runs back up a moment later. He has Drew's power drill and Adam removes the top hinge in a couple of minutes, he takes the broken door down and sets it in the hall against the wall. Adam sees the new door and we hang it, I let him handle the power drill though. "You didn't want to touch anything because you wanted to keep the room as a shrine to Ezra. I get it and it's common for people suffering from grief," Adam remarks when we're done hanging the new door.

"But it's stupid, this was Ezra's room but he hadn't even slept a night in here when he died. It was never really his room, we brought him in here to change him and feed him sometimes but he spent more time in our room and the living room. He wasn't in here and it's stupid to enshrine something that was never really a part of him. He was in here enough though, in the rocking chair, a couple of naps, playing on the floor or in the crib when I needed my hands free for a moment. This room was so dirty, so dirty. There was dust and dirt and probably so many germs."

"Clare what are you talking about?"

"The house it was dirty really dirty Ezra probably got sick from playing on the carpet and it's my fault."

"Is that why you've been cleaning so much lately? You think Ezra got sick from something at the house?"

"It must have been, it had to have been he was barely going out of the house. I have to make the house clean, keep it clean. And Drew, he's…he deserves better, I can be better. I still love him, I still love him. I love him so much; I didn't mean to blame him for Ezra's death I didn't mean it. It was my fault not his, it was my fault. I can't have sex yet I just can't but I can be a good wife and th…"

"Clare stop," Adam says abruptly grabbing my arms. "Clare I think you need to see someone. We can find you a therapist that specializes in grief and there's support groups."

"No I'm not crazy and I'm not going to share my grief with other people suffering, with people that think they know what pain I'm in."

"Did you even hear yourself? Do you realize you're blaming yourself now? It was not your fault that Ezra died Clare i…"

"THEN WHOSE FAULT WAS IT BECAUSE MY SON DIED AND IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANYONE'S FAULT!" I scream cutting Adam off. "He died and now he's gone and I stayed in this room weeping on the floor and trying to keep him here in some morbid memory and it's not my son. NONE OF THIS IS MY SON, NOT OF IT IS EZRA!" I scream and begin tearing apart the room.

I pull the crib tipping it over and then the rocking chair; I kick the changing table over and begin tossing clothes out of the dresser. Then I turn to the walls and begin ripping off the pictures tossing them like Frisbees at the other walls and they crash. Glass is breaking, I'm aware of it and I hear it, I realize how destructive I'm being but I can't seem to stop myself. When there's no more pictures on the walls I grab the shelving Drew put up and try to rip it off the wall.

"CLARE STOP," Adam yells grabbing my arms and pulling me back.

"I WANT MY SON BACK, I WANT HIM BACK AND NO ONE CAN GIVE ME THAT AND NO ONE CAN TELL ME WHY HE DIED! I WANT TO BE WITH HIM AGAIN AND I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE. THERE HAS TO BE A REASON I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT HE JUST DIED! I HAVE TO FIX IT I CAN'T LOSE ANYTHING ELSE! I CAN'T DISAPPOINT ANYONE ELSE OR HURT ANYONE ELSE AND I HAVE TO…I have to…" I slow down; all the yelling is making it hard to breathe and I begin to feel dizzy. I look around at the destruction I made and begin to cry. "I ruined it, I ruin everything," I say just above a whisper and now the only thing I can think is that Drew will be angry when he gets home. He'll be angry at me and he'll yell and I need to be away, out of the house. I run out of the room, I grab my purse and the memory book and jump in my car. I drive a short ways, I begin to cry hard, so hard I can't see the road, I'm afraid I'm going to crash but a part of me, a little part of me wishes I would.

(DREW)

"I'm going to call Clare first and find out where she is," I tell Adam putting the piece of paper in my pocket. I get out my phone and press speed dial to call Clare. It takes a couple of rings but she does pick up. She's crying and she doesn't say anything but I hear her sobbing. "Where are you?" I ask.

"Down the street," she replies.

"Are you coming home?"

"Later," she says and hangs up.

"Is she okay?" Adam inquires.

"She's down the street; I think she was crying too hard to drive. If she's not home soon I'll go get her."

"I think you'd better let me go get her. I'll clean up the glass in here first, the rest can wait. Make that phone call," Adam asserts.

"Yeah I'll do it from the bedroom," I nod turning around to go to our room and I notice the broken door has come down and there's a brand new door. "When did that go up?"

"Clare was trying to hang it herself and using a manual screwdriver."

I go into the bedroom closing the door and take the piece of paper from my pocket. I dial the number and take a deep breath waiting for an answer; this is going to be hard, very hard.

"Eli Goldsworthy," he answers. His voice hasn't changed and I get a picture of him bursting into the storage room just after Clare and I made love for the first time. He yelled after that, got pissed at me and Clare, he even hit me and that was the last time either of us saw Eli.

"It's Drew. Torres. Adam's brother," I keep explaining who I am because I hate doing this.

"Yeah I know who you are Drew," he says and there's a pause. He's waiting for me to say something and I'm thinking of what to say. "I heard about your son I'm really sorry," he says after a moment.

"Yeah that's sort of why I'm calling. Look I know you're busy but Clare's…well Ezra's death hit her really hard. It hit both of us really hard but I'm…coping better and Clare's sort of going crazy. She won't talk to anyone, she seems to be doing okay and then she breaks down again in some different way and it's scary. I don't know how to help her but Adam thought maybe you could because you went through something sort of similar. A long time ago but you did go pretty crazy afterward a…sorry I didn't mean it that way it's just…"

"I'll help," he speaks up before I can put my foot in my mouth again. "I'm in New York I can come by tomorrow."

"Yeah that would be great, I'll be at work until three at least but Clare will probably be home all day. Let me give you our address."

I tell Eli our address and hang up; I set the phone down and let out a breath. I wonder if calling Clare's ex was the right thing. Not just her ex but her first love, someone she lost her virginity to, had an immense passion with and an epic romance and I pretty much just told him I can't handle my wife. I told him that she's going crazy and in a way I feel like I just told Eli that I failed. I think about that day in the storage room eight years ago, Clare and I had just made love for the first time, we were still a little out of breath and just getting dressed again and Eli came in. He looked wounded and angry, he began yelling at her and I stepped in, he punched me and told her it was a mistake and left. I pretty much just verified that it was a mistake and he was right and then invited him to the house to help Clare where I had failed.

"Did you get ahold of Eli?" Adam questions from the doorway. I didn't hear him come in but I was pretty lost in thought.

"Yeah he's coming tomorrow to talk to her. I hope that was the right thing to do."

"She might talk to him and he's had his own experience with grief, it's not quite the same but I think he'll have some insights that we don't. You're not worried about him making a move on Clare are you?" Adam questions in an accusatory tone.

"No," I shake my head but I must admit I'm a little worried.

"Drew he's got a girlfriend," Adam tells me but it doesn't entirely make me feel better.

"Just when did you start talking with Eli again?" I ask my brother.

"I never really stopped, we've been in touch over the years but we'd go months without any contact. A few e-mails, facerange messages, a few texts. Clare stopped talking to him but I never did we just didn't talk as much. I invited him to the wedding but he'll be in India at the time."

"Did you tell him about Ezra?"

"No that he heard from his parents. Anyway I picked up all the glass I could find, we'll need to pick up some more of the stuff from the floor and vacuum but I should go down the street and check on Clare."

"Yeah I'll go pick up the stuff in Ezra's room and vacuum," I say getting up.

Adam goes downstairs and I go into Ezra's room looking around. I hope Eli can help Clare, I hope she talks to him and I hope he doesn't try anything. I begin carefully picking up the turned over furniture and everything and hope that Adam brings Clare back.

Don't forget it's September one shot week next week so no update. The next update for this story will be Tuesday September 8th. The update will either be picking up from Adam going to get Clare or with the following day and Eli's arrival.