Welcome back! I know it's been a long two weeks but we are back. Sadly because Tuesday's are just such long days it's a fairly short chapter.

Ch. 11 No Turning Back on the Highway of Life

(CLARE)

I sit in my car staring out the window and my hands gripping the wheel. I'm not really thinking about anything just staring out the window. I'm brought from my trance when there's a knock on the window. I jump a little and look out the window to see Adam looking at me. I unlock the door and he goes around getting into the passenger seat.

"Are you going to come home?"

"I don't think I can drive right now," I reply.

"I can drive you home," Adam offers.

"I don't think I can face Drew," I tell him.

"What are you talking about?"

"I destroyed the nursery."

"Drew doesn't care about that."

"I can't Adam, I just can't not right now."

"I can drive you to my place then and you can sleep over tonight," Adam offers and I nod. "Okay move over I'll drive," Adam says. He gets out and gets his phone out, I move over and I hear him calling Drew. "She's okay but she wants to stay at my house tonight."

I don't hear Drew's response but Adam says he'll drive me home in the morning and pick up his car. I move into the passenger seat and Adam comes over getting in the driver's seat. He drives us to his place and unlocks the door; Paige comes out of the bedroom and smiles when she sees me.

"Clare's going to sleep her tonight," Adam tells her.

"Of course you're always welcome here Clare. I'll go set up the day bed in the office," Paige smiles.

I smile back as much as I can and get myself some water. Neither Adam nor Paige asks me why I don't want to go home or tries to talk to me about it which is good. Paige makes the bed up and I go to bed, being out of our house I'm able to fall asleep and actually sleep. Being away from all the chaos and the feeling that I need to clean and be better I can actually relax. I sleep through the night and in the morning I drive Adam and I back to my place since he needs his car.

"Call me if you need anything," Adam says hugging me before he gets in his car.

I tell him goodbye and go inside looking around at the house. All I see is dirt and germs and things that need to be cleaned. I start walking to the closet to get cleaning supplies when the doorbell rings. At first I think it's Adam coming back because he forgot something but Adam has a key. I look through the window but all I see is someone in black so I open the door.

"Eli!" I exclaim more than surprised to see my ex. We haven't spoken in years not since my senior year of high school and we didn't exactly leave things on the best of terms. I may be going slowly crazy but I haven't forgotten the common social courtesies like stepping aside to let him in.

"Hi," he grins while I close the door.

We stand there staring at each other a few seconds, unsure if we can should shake hands or hug. I finally give in and hug him, it only occurs to me once I'm embracing Eli that Drew would hate this. Yet there's something comforting and familiar about this, and soothing too because he's gone from my life for so long and hasn't been part of the recent chaos.

"I heard about Ezra I'm sorry," he tells me when we pull apart.

"Is that why you're here? That was over a month ago," I point out.

"It's sort of why I'm here, Drew called he's worried about you?"

"Drew called you for help?!"

"Yeah he's that worried and I know Ezra's death was over a month ago but it feels like just yesterday still doesn't it?"

"Yes in a lot of ways. But why did Drew call you? We haven't spoken in years," I comment as Eli takes my hand and pulls me to the sofa to sit.

"He thought I could help. It's not quite the same but I had to deal with Julia's death and you know how hard her death was for me. How it affected me and I blamed myself for her death."

"But Ezra's death is my fault," I say and then burst into tears. I can't stop it and I just keep crying, turning away from Eli and laying my head in my hands to sob. Eli lets me cry but puts his hand on my back and the gesture is comforting but not pushy, he's just letting me know he's there. I cry until I can't cry anymore, while I wipe my tears away Eli gets up and gets me some water.

"Why do you think Ezra's death is your fault?" Eli asks.

"Well it has to be someone's fault, they don't know why he died but he was so sick. He must have picked up a disease because the house was so dirty. All I see when I look at the house is how dirty it is and how I have to clean it so Drew doesn't get sick, I have to keep it clean and if I'd kept it clean then maybe Ezra wouldn't have died."

"Clare this is the cleanest house I think I've ever seen. You're obsessive cleaning it's like my hoarding; it's a response to the tragedy. I couldn't let anything go; I felt that if I let anything go I'd lose someone else because I let Julia go that night. It's a decision I can never take back and it took me a really long time to realize that in spite of my decisions that night I was not responsible for her death and there's little I can do to prevent other people I love from dying. I could no more stop Julia from running into the street that night, or stop the car that hit her, than I could stop you and Drew from falling in love or Gracie from being Adam. You can scrub your house clean over and over but it won't bring Ezra back, nor will it prevent you or Drew or other people you care about from getting sick again. Ezra's death was a tragedy but the chances that he got sick because you weren't cleaning enough are very slim. Even if he did you couldn't have predicted that. And how many new moms have time to scour every inch of their home clean? Very few them if any at all, not without having a nanny or a maid, babies are exposed to dirt and germs all the time and they don't get sick and die. Ezra's death is not your fault, it's not something you could have predicted and if it could have been prevented it's not something you could have known at the time. Did you willingly know Ezra would get sick and let him get sick?"

"No of course not," I shake my head.

"Did you make him sick?"

"No."

"Was your house filled with rats and roaches and so covered in dust and germs no one could breathe?"

"No but I…"

"No Clare, no buts you loved Ezra and cared for him and did everything you could and the best you could for him. It sucks that he died, you're angry and you feel like there's a hole in your life and it's never going to completely fill up again."

"I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm just losing my mind because I lost Ezra."

"I know, it's okay to go crazy and to be angry and even to feel some guilt that's all normal. It's not going to go away over time but you can't let your life stop and most important you have to figure out what's best for you. Don't worry about what others need or want from you, right now you just have to worry about yourself or you'll never even begin to heal. If you need to scream then scream, if you need to write or go for a drive, whatever it is as long as it's not hurting you or anyone else. Excessive cleaning can be harmful and it's unnecessary. You have to prevent yourself from cleaning and you have to want to stop, you have to find the reason to stop and put something else into your life. My reason to stop hoarding was you and I replaced the hoarding with drama club."

Eli stays for a few hours, we talk about loss and grief and ways I can cope. We catch up on our lives, talk about the old days and when he leaves I feel better in a way, at least I feel like I have some tools to help me cope. I still feel lost and like I'm going crazy but at least now I have some ideas. It also helped talking to someone who understood how I felt. I know Drew and I went through the same loss but it's like two sides of the same coin, he could cope and I couldn't. I need to think and I can't think in this house so I go walking, wandering aimlessly with no destination I'm just walking. I don't realize how long I'm out walking until my phone rings and I answer.

"Hello?"

"Where are you?"

"I went for a walk, I'm…" I stop and look around because I have no idea where I am. "I'm at 8th and West 48th."

"Were you walking to work?"

"No just walking, I needed to think and I didn't realize how far I'd gone. I'll catch a cab home or take the subway in a bit, something I have to do first. Are you okay for dinner?"

"Yeah no problem just get home soon okay?"

I tell him I will and hang up; as I start walking to the subway I call my boss. I talk to him for a while and by the time I'm on the subway home I have a plan. An experiment that might help me figure out what I need to cope and to start healing, really healing not pretending to be better to please everyone else.

When I walk in the door Drew looks over at me. I lock the door and walk to the sofa where he's sitting. We're both silent and waiting for the other to say something.

"Eli came over this morning thanks for calling him I know that had to be hard."

"Did it help?" Drew asks.

"Yeah it did, it helped me realize some things. I need to get out of here, I need to get away and Steven is sending me with Kevon and cover the CanGames in Ottawa this weekend," I tell him.

"Get away from what?" Drew asks with a tone strained by worry and fear.

"From everything Drew, from everyone I just need to get away from all of it. I can't think here, I don't even feel like I can breathe in this house. I can't be here and be able to think. I went from being in a hole so deep and black I couldn't see light to feeling like I had failed as a wife and a mom. Needing to obsessively clean because I think if I clean then you wouldn't get sick and if the house had been cleaner then Ezra would still be alive. And I know that's crazy but it's how I feel Drew. I need some space, the ability to think and I can't do that here. I'm not trying to get away from you; I'm not going away to cheat on you but this is what I need. We fly out tomorrow and we return Monday I'll only be gone a few days."

"If this is what you need then I want you to do it. Promise you'll call me, every night?"

"I promise," I assure my husband.

"Do you want some dinner?"

"No I'm not very hungry and I need to pack," I reply. I kiss his cheek and get off the sofa going upstairs. I pack a suitcase for the weekend and then take a shower. I'm sure that I won't get to sleep on my own so I take a sleeping aide and barely feel when Drew comes to bed.

(DREW)

DINGDONG

"That's Kevon," Clare says before giving me a quick kiss goodbye.

She grabs her suitcase and I open the door. I've met all her co-workers at one time or another. Well not interns and things but all the reporters and editors and managers and such at company parties. I don't remember Kevon but he does look familiar.

"Hi Kevon," I nod to him. He's in his late thirties but with prematurely graying hair in some areas, a few inches taller than me and thin. I note the wedding ring on his hand, not that a wedding ring will stop him from cheating and I do believe Clare isn't going away to cheat on me but it hasn't stopped the fear of it from making thoughts go through my mind.

"Hi uh…sorry forgot your name," Kevon says but he doesn't sorry about it.

"Drew."

"Right Drew, don't worry I'll take good care of her," Kevon tells me.

"Sorry for crashing your trip last minute," Clare says to him.

"Don't worry about it these conventions are so big it will be nice to have second person to help me cover," Kevon smiles.

"I have to go we have to get to the airport, I love you and I'll see you Monday," she says giving me another quick kiss before she leaves. I watch them get into the cab and drive off and I really hope this trip helps her.

I grab my briefcase and lock up the house getting in my car and driving to work. I have to put Clare and everything else out of my mind to work. Concentrating on the kids and the activities of the day but when they're gone and I'm left with my thoughts I start to go a little crazy myself. It's too early to go to the gym so I go home to grab some food and change into some more appropriate clothes for the fighting. While I'm eating my cell rings, it's not Clare but it's Adam so I answer.

"Hey."

"Just thought I should check in since I haven't heard from either of you. I went to the house earlier but you were both out," Adam tells me.

"Eli helped her; at least she said he did so that was the right thing to do. She's on her way to Ottawa, actually she should be there, she's covering some convention with another reporter. She said she needed to get away, she needed time to think."

"And how are you doing?" Adam questions.

"I'm fine, still just coping. Actually I'm pretty tired I'm just eating an early dinner and I'll probably crash as soon as Clare calls."

"Okay well call if you need anything. You want to hang out tomorrow?"

"Yeah sounds good, call Owen and K.C. we can get an early dinner, a couple of beers."

"Cool I'll call you tomorrow," Adam replies and hangs up. I finish my food and take care of my dishes then Clare calls.

"Hi we just checked into the hotel. After we change and clean up a little we're headed back to the convention center. I'll call you tomorrow," Clare says when I answer.

"Okay I love you," I tell her.

"I love you too."

She hangs up and I go upstairs changing into sweats and a t-shirt. I drive to the gym and sign up for three fights. I lose the first fight but win the other two, I feel great when I leave and fall right to sleep when I'm home. I wake up late the next morning and only for the need to urinate.

"Ugh," I grunt when I try to move. I'm incredibly sore, I look at myself and see just how bruised up I am. "Mrrgh," I groan forcing myself up.

I go to the washroom and grab the Ibuprofen and the salve for bruises. I take four pills and start rubbing on the cream, when I can move again I go down for some ice. I stay on the sofa for the next six hours taking pain relievers and alternating ice with the bruise cream. When Adam calls to tell me we're all meeting at O'Malley's at six I know I better get moving. I take a bath as hot as I can stand and put on some lidocaine cream hoping it dulls the pain. Then I get in my car and park at the subway to take it to O'Malley's our favorite bar that's also about equal distance from all of us. I arrive first and sit in a booth, I don't plan to move much tonight.

Owen arrives next and then Adam with K.C., they all see me and sit down. We order a pitcher and watch the game that's on TV. It's almost normal, almost like it was before Ezra died. I don't move much, try not to show my pain and mostly watch the game and not talk. We hang out for about four hours and then I wait for the others to leave before I try to get up. When I get out to my car I see that I missed Clare's call so I call her back.

"Hey I called earlier," she says when she answers.

"I know I was at O'Malley's with the guys."

"Oh. Good. Well I should go I'm still working but I'll call you tomorrow night. I love you," she tells me and hangs up.

"I love you too goodnight."

Instead of driving home I drive to the gym, I'm still sore and I know I shouldn't be fighting but I sign up for one round. While I wait I take some more pain reliever and watch the other fights. My opponent is tough tonight, I get one good kick in and then he hits me in the upper chest. I wheeze for air, he kicks my stomach and I fall back. I feel my head hit the floor and then it all goes black.

He's not dead don't worry. The update next Tuesday will begin with Drew waking up in the hospital.