No cliffhanger this time I promise.

Ch. 12 Feeling Like this We Just Can't Go On

(DREW)

My eyes struggle to open; my head is heavy and throbbing. I hear faint sounds but there's a buzzing in my ears. I blink my eyes a few times before my eyes finally open, the room is blurry and dark but I see a figure in the corner.

"Thank fucking God," I still can't see but it's Owen's voice I'm sure of it.

"Owen?" My voice is raspy and a little weak.

"Yeah it's me," he replies walking closer. "The doctors weren't sure you were even going to wake up again. I've been standing here for three hours staring at you and hoping you were going to wake up."

"What happened?"

"You got another concussion dummy. You were anonymously dropped at the emergency entrance. They thought you were in a bar fight but you were MMA fighting weren't you? After promising Clare you wouldn't do it ever again the second she's out of town you went back to fighting," Owen growls in an angry tone at me.

"Clare, does she know?"

"Yes she fucking knows she's your wife and your emergency contact they called her as soon as you were brought in and then she called me in a panic."

"Shit," I exhale.

"Yeah shit. What in the hell were thinking going back to fighting?"

"I needed it, it made me feel better."

"You didn't need it. Do you have any idea what you put Clare through? She lost a child and just as she's starting to see the light in the darkness she gets a phone call from the emergency room that her husband is in the emergency room. In the emergency room and possibly in a coma he may never wake from and if he does wake up could have brain damage after past concussions. She was hysterical, she could barely talk after all she's been through you did that to her."

"I lost a child too you know," I spit back.

"Yeah I know I saw how it hit you and I know what it did to you. I get that you're still grieving but you don't need to fight. Not street underground MMA fighting," Owen admonishes me.

"I did it made me feel better, it helped fill the hole. Clare needed to get away and I needed to fight."

"They are not the same thing. Clare needing to get away for a couple of days to clear her head and just get away from it all, needing to forget for a day or two that her baby died makes sense and it's not harmful to her or anyone else. Fighting with strangers, fighting without gear or safety equipment especially with the concussions you've had in the past is not only stupid but just plain self-destructive. You knew you were going to get hurt you wanted to hurt. Fighting wasn't filling the hole and it wasn't making things better it was just giving you a new kind of pain to concentrate on. You wanted to be hurt because you wanted to feel something other than grief or anger. If just hitting something made you feel better you'd have been satisfied with a punching bag or hitting the gym."

My eyes close and I turn my head to the side ashamed because I know everything he just said is right. I let out a breath but I have nothing to say.

"I'm gonna go tell the doc you're awake and call Clare," Owen tells me and his voice has softened now.

I hear him leave the room and I sink down a little more. I feel terrible, so much worse than before. Owen is right I went back to fighting for me even though I knew what it would do to Clare, and Adam too, but I didn't care. As bad as the bruises feel I can deal with this physical pain, I can control it in a way. Along with the pain came a high from winning or even landing a good punch and getting the other guy down. It was empowering in a way, I felt a sense of power back that I'd lost when Ezra was taken from me. I wasn't thinking about Clare or anyone just me, what I wanted and what I thought I needed. It was self-destructive and nearly was my destruction; I could have died or been in a coma for the rest of my life. Before I begin to picture what that might have done to Clare the doctor comes in.

"How do you feel Andrew?"

"My head is pounding, my eyes are little blurry still but other than that I just feel incredibly stupid," I reply.

"Considering what you've been through and your concussions in the past I'd say you got off quite lucky but let's have a look at your first," the doctor says.

He looks in my eyes and asks me some questions all of which I can answer. He tells me I'm very lucky that I didn't sustain any brain damage and lucky I woke up at all. He says I still need to be monitored closely and have a follow up once a week for the next two months to watch for possible swelling and blood clots and other possible side effects since I've had concussions in the past. I'm also being kept in the hospital for 48 hours, just because I feel okay and they can't see anything doesn't mean I'm okay, head trauma is tricky. By the time the doctor is done with me Owen is back in the room.

"Clare is coming home on the first flight tomorrow morning," Owen informs her.

"No tell her I'm fine and she can stay there," I reply.

"She was already trying to get a flight back and you know there's no way she's staying in Ottawa knowing you're in the hospital. I called Adam too he'll pick her up, he was going to come down and yell at you but I told him I already did and you need to rest."

"Thanks I'm sure I deserve to get yelled at more but my head is pounding right now," I comment.

"You should get some rest," Owen says.

"You can go home you don't have to stay here and babysit me," I tell him.

"Yeah I do I promised Clare I would," he replies.

I want to argue and tell him to go home but I'm already feeling my eyes close and feeling weak. My eyelids keep closing, after a few minutes they just won't open again and I fall asleep. When I wake again it's bright in the room and Clare is sitting in the chair next to my bed but Owen is gone.

"I'm fine really you didn't need to come home," I tell her.

"But you're not fine Drew, you could have died or slipped into a coma, had brain damage. You still might that's why they're keeping you here. You've had concussions before you know this Drew and you swore to me that you would never MMA fight again. How long did you even keep your promise?"

I turn away because I don't want to answer that.

"I feel like I'm going to break, I feel like we're breaking and I think we need some time apart. Adam will come get you on Monday morning, I called the school and told them you were in an accident and wouldn't be in at all next week so they can arrange for a sub. You'll be staying with Adam and Paige for at least the next week because I think it's better if neither of us are at the house right now and someone needs to keep an eye on you in case something happens."

"Where will you be?" I inquire.

"I'm staying with Jenna and K.C., and I'm going to stay with them until the wedding."

"You're moving out?"

"I need time Drew and space and obviously so do you. You lied to me about going back to MMA and you hid it from everyone. Something died in us when Ezra died and we need some space. We need to figure out what we want and what we need. I really don't think we can do that while being together in that house every day. When I'm there all I can think about is Ezra dying, all I can feel is the sorrow and grief from that. And not feeling good enough, feeling like if the house has even one germ you're going to get sick. Feeling like I'm not good enough and like if I'm not the perfect wife you're going to leave me."

"When did I make you feel that way? I never meant to make you feel that way," I tell her in a quick slightly desperate voice.

"I know that Drew, it wasn't you really it was everything. Ezra dying, my reaction, your reaction, our grief mixing together and not being able to help each other. Honestly I think we've been hurting each other, pulling the other down without meaning to. Why else would you feel like you needed to go back to MMA fighting or my obsessive cleaning or feeling like I needed to be the perfect wife. We need to be away from the house and each other and just take a breath," Clare says.

"But I love you."

"I love you too Drew but I'm not sure that's enough anymore," Clare tells me and my heart sinks. "Adam promised to keep me updated, don't go back to work until the doctor says it's okay. I love you," she says and kisses my forehead and then she's gone.

Clare leaves and I sink back into the bed, my eyes close a tear slips out and I wonder where it all went wrong. How does a love so strong and wonderful and bright like ours get so lost?

(CLARE)

I open the front door and turn on the lights of the house; I take a few steps in before collapsing to the sofa in tears. I'm not entirely sure why I'm crying but I know this is right. I know that if we stay like this we're going to implode and break, break beyond the point of being able to be repaired. Something has to change, something has to happen and I'm hoping some time and space apart will allow us to figure it all out and heal.

I'm crying so hard I don't hear the door open but I feel the hand on my arm. I know it's Owen without opening my eyes. I turn to him and cry on his shoulder until there's no more tears to cry.

"I thought you might need help packing. Are you sure you want to do this?" Owen asks.

"Yes we need to do this we won't survive if we keep going like this. Help packing would be nice thanks," I smile wiping my tears.

Owen grins back and pulls me off the sofa, I grab suitcases from the garage and we go upstairs. Owen helps me pack my suitcases, it's not like I'll be far and I can come home if I need something else. I take Ezra's memory book and the piece of his baby blanket. Owen walks me out and I lock the door.

"We'll help keep an eye on Drew and we'll let you know if anything happens or if he gets worse. Otherwise we'll give you your space, call us if you need anything," Owen says after helping me get the suitcases in my car.

"Thanks and I will," I reply hugging him tightly.

I get in my car and make the fifteen minute drive to Jenna and K.C.'s place. I park and knock on the door and Jenna answers a moment later stepping aside to let me in.

"The guest room is all made up for you and here's the spare key," Jenna tells me.

"Thanks I promise not to get in the way," I say.

"You're not in the way you're welcome here," K.C. says coming out of the bedroom and putting his arm around my shoulders.

K.C. brings in my bags and Jenna makes us some tea. They spend the whole afternoon with me; I think just trying to keep me from going crazy. Adam calls when he leaves the hospital that evening to let me know that Drew's okay still. At first I'm thinking so much I can't fall asleep, picking apart every facet of mine and Drew's relationship. Trying to find the moment when we began to break apart. Was it when Ezra died? When he got sick, when we were lost in our grief so much we couldn't do anything? Maybe it wasn't a single moment but a cascade of many moments that had a domino effect and we cascaded into chaos without us realizing it. Eventually I become too tired to think and I fall asleep. When I wake up Monday morning it's late morning and both Jenna and K.C. are gone. I make myself some coffee and shower before I go into the paper.

"Steven wants to see you Clare," Deena tells me before I even sit down at my desk. I set down my purse and walk to Steve's office knocking on the door and he waves me in.

"Hi Clare I just wanted to check in with you after this weekend. How Drew's doing and how you're doing after everything? If you need more time…"

"No I don't need any more time Sir and I need to work. Keeping busy feels good, I'm sorry I wasn't able to cover the CanGames but I had no idea Drew would get a concussion."

"Of course not we realize that, I just don't want you to feel like you have to be here. You're an excellent journalist Clare I have a list of assignments you can have your pick," Steve tells me.

"Thank you Sir, I think I know which one I want to do next but I'll be staying in town. I don't think I need to do any more travel," I reply.

Steve nods and tells me to let them know what I need and I nod. I go back out to my desk and sit down, it does feel good to be back at work but I still spend most of the day thinking about Drew. When I can't take it anymore I text Adam and he tells me that Drew's still fine and being released in a couple of hours. I take a deep breath, telling myself that Drew's okay and he's not going to die.

(DREW)

"Paige will be home in an hour, don't get off the sofa until then," Adam tells me before leaving for work.

"Dude will you quit babying me I'm not going to pass out if I do more than lay on the sofa," I admonish him.

"No you passed out in a fight because you were stupid enough go armature MMA fighting and got another concussion. Don't you think you had enough concussions when you were a teenager?"

"Adam please I've had all the lectures I can take, Owen lectured, Clare, Mom, Paige and you already lectured me the whole drive home."

"Yeah well we all love you and no one wants to see you die. Or end up in a coma or with brain damage," Adam scolds me again.

"Yeah I know and I feel stupid and awful about it. I'll lie on the sofa until Paige gets home," I promise him.

"Good, I'll see you when I'm home," Adam says before leaving.

I watch bad TV until Paige gets home, I'm not supposed to drive for several days and everyone but me thinks it's best if I don't go home for a while. I do a lot of thinking, I did a lot thinking yesterday and all weekend, well once I woke up anyway. I was supposed to be resting my brain but it didn't work, I had to make myself stop when I got headaches though. I know what I did was stupid and I regret fighting I regret ever thinking it was a good idea or that it felt good. I think a part of me wanted to get hurt, not just to feel the pain, and not as badly as I did, but wanted to be hurt. I don't know why maybe I wanted attention from Clare, or maybe from other people, attention that wasn't about my son dying. Or maybe I was trying to make Clare angry; I've felt like I've been building to an internal explosion for weeks. Watching myself at home and work, trying not upset Clare at home and trying to not let other people see how truly broken and upset I am. But I don't have to watch myself now everyone is watching me.

"I'm going to start dinner I thought I'd make spaghetti," Paige says when she gets home.

"Can I help?"

"No you lie on the sofa, if Clare finds out you've been up and doing stuff she'll kill me," Paige replies.

"Have you heard from Clare?"

"Not since yesterday but I'm sure you can call her," Paige says as she starts getting stuff out for dinner.

"No she asked for space and I think she's right we both need space. I'm going to take a shower."

Paige nods and I go back to the washroom, I get in the shower leaning my arm against the wall and my head on my arm. Three months ago I had it all, I was on top of the world with a beautiful wife, a job that I loved and a family that I loved more. A family completed by the birth of my beautiful son. Now my son is dead, I've missed more days of work than I can count, Clare and I are apart, we're not even living in the same house. My perfect life fell away, imploded or exploded and I wonder when I lost it all.

Update next Tuesday will probably begin with Adam and Paige's wedding.