Unlike last night's chapter, where I wrote all of the wedding ceremony, tonight most of what the officiator says was taken from various sources online. Last night called for an original ceremony to be written but that is not easy to do, most couples spend weeks if not months writing ceremonies and vows where as I have a few hours to write each chapter. Besides which the couple getting married in tonight's chapter are not the main couple in this story.

Ch. 13 One Begins and another Ends

(DREW)

"Tell them I had food poisoning," I say to Adam turning from the elevator to go back to my room but Adam catches my arm.

"Drew you're my Best Man and this is my rehearsal dinner you have to be here. Clare is going to be here but you aren't even sitting together."

"I haven't seen my wife in a monthand the first time I'm going to see her is tonight, with a bunch of people. We haven't even talked really, maybe we should have met privately first to talk."

"No I think it's better than you didn't. If you had met first and talked and it ended in a fight or tears you'd both be miserable at my wedding, more miserable than you are now. It will be fine she's nervous to see you too, let's just get through the rehearsal dinner and if you guys want to leave early to talk then you can."

I nod as the elevator dings and we get in. All I think about on the ride down is what to say to Clare. When the doors open and we start walking down to the garden terrace where the ceremony will be tomorrow all I can think of on the walk is what Clare might say to me.

"Oh good you're all here," Hazel grins when she sees Adam and I come in. Hazel was friends with Paige in high school and now she's a wedding planner and has been helping Adam and Paige plan their wedding. "Okay Dylan and Marco down the aisle first," Hazel commands. Dylan is Paige's older brother and one of Adam's groomsmen, Marco is Dylan's husband and one of Paige's best friends and he's Paige's only bridesman. They're both cool but they live in Europe and we hardly see them. "Now K.C. will escort Jenna followed by Owen and Clare then Drew and Ashley, followed by Adam and his parents then Paige and her parents."

We all get in order and walk down the aisle to music playing just like we will tomorrow for the actual ceremony. We reach the altar and the officiant goes through what he'll say but Adam and Paige don't say their vows yet. After rehearsing the ceremony we gather for dinner in the restaurant at the hotel. We get seated at a long table and either by design or not Clare and I are at opposite ends of the table and we can't talk. Tomorrow my little brother is getting married and I don't want to ruin that but I want to talk to Clare. She slips out before I can talk to her though, disappears from the table while I'm talking to Owen. I'm tempted to ask Paige for Clare's room number but decide not to because I don't want to spend tonight fighting and then have to spend tomorrow trying to be happy and together for the wedding. I go to my room but I can't sleep and I end up leaving to find a drug store and get a sleeping aid. The next morning there's a breakfast before we have to get ready for the ceremony. Having decided that it's best not to talk to her today and potentially ruin the wedding I decide its better just to avoid her.

After breakfast we all have to get ready for the wedding, the girls will take longer to get ready of course so we take our time eating. We get dressed in our suits and comb our hair; Paige's dad is getting dressed in here as well. Hazel knocks on the door and tells us it's time to take our places. We go down the aisle just as we did last night at the rehearsal dinner and then we take our spots at the altar. Paige is last walked by her parents; she kisses their cheeks and then takes Adam's hand.

"Welcome, friends and family! Today we celebrate the best of what it means to be human. Today we celebrate love," the officiant begins and everyone goes silent. "You were invited here to share this moment with Adam and Paige because you are the people who mean the most to them. The understanding and mutual respect that they bring to their lives together had its roots in the love, friendship, and guidance youhave given them. You are their community. They are honored to have you here. During this ceremony Paige and Adam will exchange rings. These rings are visible signs of their commitment to one another. As this ceremony proceeds we ask that you, Adam and Paige's community, take part in the warming of the rings. As each of you receives the rings, we ask that you take a moment to wish them health, happiness, and a meaningful life together before passing them on to the next person. When these rings come back to them, they will contain that which is priceless: your love, hope, and spirit."

I take the ring from my pocket, Ashley takes the ring from wherever she had it hidden and we hand the rings to Paige's grandmother sitting in the last seat on the right of the front row. When we take our places again the officiant begins talking again.

"Paige and Adam would like to thank each of you for being with them today. They know that making the journey took considerable effort for a good many of you and for this they are deeply grateful. Although many of you don't live right around the corner, you are never far from their hearts. You've shared in their best and their worst days, and you are an irreplaceable part of their yesterdays, their today and all of their tomorrows. A marriage needs the help of a community, of friends and family who will be there to stand by the couple during hard times and during happy times. Each and every person here today will witness the words that they will speak to one another and the vows that they will make. May we always do all within our power to support the union that will be made here today and to nurture the bond between these two people whom we love. Marriage is not a perfect beginning. It's not a clean slate. Marriage is a process. Marriage is growth. Marriage is a bold step into an unknown future. It is risking who we are for the sake of who we can be. We have all been shaped by those in our lives, take a moment now and give thanks for those in your life that are your community."

Many people close their eyes, others look around the room but I look only at Clare. I smile when I see she's looking only at me but look away when the officiator begins talking again.

"Adam and Paige are coming into their marriage with individual personalities and individual histories. They've already chosen each other for their family, and today they are choosing to celebrate what has already begun and will continue to grow for years to come. Look at one another and remember this. Before this moment you have been many things to one another – acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, and even teacher, for you have learned much from one another in these last few years. Now you'll say a few words that take you across a threshold of life, and things will never quite be the same between you. For after these vows, you'll say to the world: this is my husband, this is my wife. And now just before you say these vows to each other, I remind us all of what a vow is. A vow is a solemn promise, a pledge that binds. A commitment of heart, mind, soul and body. A commitment that recognizes this as the most important of human relationships, above all others. To give and to receive such a commitment is one of life's greatest gifts. Paige and Adam, please join hands as you prepare to make these vows of love to one another."

"Paige you are the love of my life. You accepted me and loved me for who I am, you've been there for the final steps of my transformation. We have been through a lot, laughed a lot, cried a lot and through it all we have always been each other's strength and support and shoulder to cry on. I love your determination, your brashness, your loyalty, your kindness and generosity. I love you more than anything, more than I can express and I know the love we share on this day is only the beginning because my love for you will only grow.

"Adam you were not my first love but you are my last and true love. You have so much inner strength it gives me strength. Your smile lights every room and lights my life. You are a peacemaker and always know how to quell my anger. I love your sense of humor, your intelligence, your loyalty, caring and generosity. You make me happy; you bring a smile to my lips every time I see you. My love for you knows no bounds and I know our life together will be filled with joy and love. And even in times of sorrow and hardship we will give each other strength. I love you Adam, today and forever."

"Please bring the rings forward," the officiator says and someone from the back row brings the rings forward. "Wedding bands are visible, tangible symbols of a couple's commitment and of their emotional and spiritual connection. Love comes from humble beginnings, made by imperfect beings. It is the process of making something beautiful where there was once nothing at all. Paige and Adam let these rings serve as a reminder of the feelings you have in your hearts at this very moment. There are times in life that we tend to focus on the things we have not yet accomplished, there will also be times of great loss. Yet as you look at your wedding band, remember the great gift that you have been given and all that you have in one another. Remember that you have someone to share this life with. Never again will you walk alone. Please present the rings to one another."

"Paige, will you love, support and challenge me, and be my closest friend, confidante and companion?" Adam asks.

"I will," Paige smiles.

"I give you this ring as a sign that I choose you to be my partner and my best friend, until the end of my days. Wear it, think of me, and know that I love you," Adam says with a wide grin as he places the ring on her finger.

"Adam, will you love, support and challenge me, and be my closest friend, confidante and companion?" Paige asks and of course Adam says he will. "I give you this ring as a sign that I choose you to be my partner and my best friend, until the end of my days. Wear it, think of me, and know that I love you," Paige smiles putting the ring on Adam's finger.

"Paige and Adam, having witnessed your vows to each other with all who are assembled here, and by the authority vested in me, I announce with great joy that you are married. You may now share in your first kiss as husband and wife," the officiator says and we watch Adam and Paige couple their lips in a passionate kiss. "Friends, it is with great pleasure that I present to you, for the first time as husband and wife, Adam and Paige."

Everyone cheers and claps, Adam and Paige face everyone with a smile and then the procession follows them inside. The reception is in a ballroom in the same hotel, a large ballroom with a grand outside terrace allowing for beautiful views and outside air on this warm summer day. Adam and Paige stand at the doors and greet all the guests as they come in. Everyone is in and seated, we eat and then Paige and Adam share their first dance as husband and wife. Paige then dances with her father then our dad while Adam dances with his mom and then Paige's. Pretty much everyone gets up to dance but Clare and I remain seated until she gets up and comes over to me.

"May I have this dance?"

I smile and take her hand as we go out to the dance floor. It's a slow song and I put my arms around her, her arms go around my neck. Our eyes lock and I see in her crystal blue eyes that she has a million things to say just as I do. Neither of us says anything however and she just puts her head on my chest. We dance through the song before Adam cuts in and I dance with Paige. Then Clare dances with Owen and I dance with Mom. Then we dance with a few more people before it's time for cake and then there's more dancing. The videographer interviews people and asks them to say something to the happy couple. At sunset Adam and Paige take one more dance, then she throws her bouquet which is caught by her cousin and Adam throws the garter which is caught by Paige's co-worker. Then Adam and Paige say goodbye to leave for their honeymoon. With them gone the guests begin to trickle out, I look around the room and find Clare out on the terrace. She's sitting on the cement railing in the corner with a glass of champagne in her hand.

"Hey," I venture. This feels strange, she's my wife, we've been married for two years, in love for eight and all I can think to say is hey.

"Hey," she replies back.

"Can I sit?" I ask and she motions next to her so I sit.

"Adam told me you've been doing well," she says.

"Yeah I guess so. I've been busy with the end of the school year and wedding stuff. I do confess being out of the house all together I've been a lot happier. I've felt…" I pause a minute trying to think of what I want to say and how to say it.

"Less heavy, not weighted down and like you can breathe?"

"Yes, yes exactly."

"And happier, we both have I know we have because I've been checking up on you. The thought of going back to that house is…I can't live there anymore Drew. I can't live at the house anymore and I want a divorce."

"What?"

"We've both been happier apart Drew, you can't tell me you haven't thought about it," she replies.

"Only passing thoughts I di…"

"But you've thought about it. The last month we've both felt good, like we can breathe and we've been happier. It's the first time I've felt like I haven't been swallowed by grief. I love you Drew and I always will but we can't get by on love this isn't a fairytale. I started going to a grief support group. I don't really think it helps and I don't know if I'll keep going but I've learned some things. Many of the people have lost children and most of them broke apart. Only two of the couples in the group that lost children are still together and they don't come to counseling together only one parent does. Most of the couples separated or divorced soon after the death of their child. The ones that didn't stayed together for other kids, or their spouse and they ended up hating each other and resenting each other and divorced years later with complete animosity for each other. I don't want that to happen to us Drew. I don't want to hate you or resent you. We have all the same friends; I don't want to avoid gatherings because I'm afraid to see you. I don't want to lose you from my life and I'd rather have you as a friend than not at all. I know it's going to be hard but I truly believe it will be what's best in the long run. I think we should sell the house and each get our own apartment."

The more she talks the more tears roll down her cheeks. I'm shocked and I can't even talk, I just stare at her. As much as what she just said is painful to hear and it stabs at me I know it's true and she's right, and knowing that is what makes it so painful.

"I don't want that either but a divorce? I don't want this to be the end of us."

"Neither do I but we have to face it Drew, we can end it now and salvage a friendship or end up hating each other. We can go through the motions and try counseling but I don't think that's the answer do you?"

I think about it a minute and picture us in counseling. I picture us talking and then fighting and then crying and spending a lot of money and time for us to decide we still need time apart. Divorce feels like defeat and I hate defeat.

"No counseling isn't the answer; I don't think that will work but divorce seems so...final and I don't want to give up on us."

"But it's not giving up on us Drew; it's giving us a fighting chance. If we stay together, if force ourselves into this we end up resenting and hating each other. If we're friends and we talk, see each other and still love each other then we do have a chance. We've crumbled Drew, we're in pieces and we're not going to rebuild if we're spending every day just trying to keep our heads above water. If you're walking on eggshells around me and have so much anger built up in you that you have to go fight strangers underground. If I feel like I have to be the perfect wife and clean until my fingers bleed because I'm afraid that you'll get sick and die otherwise. We need time and space, more than a month of it and lives that belong only to us for a while."

"You're right, I know you're right but it hurts."

"I know it does but it's going to hurt a lot more if we end up hating each other. I'm going to the house tomorrow to pack up my stuff. Jenna and K.C. said I could stay with them until I find my own apartment," Clare tells me and I nod.

"What about the stuff that is both of ours, gifts and things we bought together?"

"I'll mark what I want, you do the same, you should take your bear. If there's anything we both want to keep we can discuss it. We can sell or get rid of a lot of it I think. I'm leaving Monday for an assignment. I'll be in Niagara Falls for a week, with school out and the wedding over it should give you plenty of time to go through the house."

"Yeah," I nod. We're silent for a moment and then she leans over and kisses my cheek.

"I do still love you Drew," Clare says before getting up and going inside.

I sit there staring into nothing for I don't know how long before getting up. I drive back to Adam and Paige's place; I have it all to myself since they're on their way to Benelux for their honeymoon. The first thing I do when I'm in the house is grab the bottle of Jack and sit on the sofa and start drinking. On the day my brother's marriage begins mine ends and if that's not a reason to drink yourself into a stupor I don't know what is.

I drink myself to sleep and then Sunday morning I go get more liquor and spend most of the day drinking. I drink myself to sleep again but when I get up Monday I'm not drinking anymore. I eat a little and then drive to the house, my house at least for a little while longer. There's a note from Clare on the kitchen counter, next to the note is Clare's memory book. I pick up the note and read it.

Drew,

This memory book is yours I made it for you so that you have one too. There's another box of photos on the coffee table I made copies of every photo so we wouldn't have to fight over them. I marked everything I want if there's anything you want too that I've marked put your name on it. I'll return on Sunday night. Anything not marked you can take. Anything left when I return I'll assume we can sell or get rid of.

I open the memory book and tears starting coming from my eyes. I flip through the first few pages and then the tears turn to anger. I close the book pounding my fist on the counter. Then I get up and start pulling the dishes and glasses from the cupboards and letting them break as I scream angrily.

I know it looks pretty hopeless but they're at the bottom looking up. The update next Tuesday will include part of Clare's trip to Niagara Falls and her return home.