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Ch. 14 This Song is Over

(CLARE)

"Clare?" A surprised voice says and I look over smiling a little when I see that it's Fitz.

"Hi," I reply motioning to the empty seat next to me so that he'll sit down.

My week in Niagara Falls was almost over; I'd been here on assignment with Kevon covering another convention. It was a way to get my mind off everything and give Drew time to go through the house.

Fitz sits down and I order another drink for both of us. It's good and yet strange to see Fitz after all this time. We were never particularly close and he just sort of disappeared but he seems to be doing pretty well now. There's something almost comforting about seeing him after so many years. Someone that doesn't know the past several years of my life, someone that doesn't know the sorrow and pain I've gone through. Someone that just remembers the sixteen year old Clare and right now a part of me feels sixteen again and I like the feeling.

Fitz and I make small talk, I find out that he lives here and works at a casino. He was in a long term relationship that ended a few weeks ago. I tell him that I work for a newspaper and I'm here covering the convention. I tell him that I'm married to Drew but we're in the process of a divorce. I leave out the why, and Fitz doesn't ask, and I don't talk about Ezra.

"My place is pretty close you want to come over?" Fitz asks after a lot of small talk and two more drinks.

"Yeah that would be nice," I grin.

Fitz pays for all our drinks and we go out to his car. While we drive to his place he tells me that he likes the bar at the hotel better than any of the town bars and he goes once or twice a week. When we go up to his apartment he offers me a drink and I ask for water before sitting on the sofa. He brings me a glass of water a few minutes later and sits next to me.

"You look just the same as I remember," he smiles.

"So do you, more handsome though you grew into yourself."

He grins and I set my glass on the coffee table. My eyes lock with Fitz and we lean in, our lips join, smashing together and there's an instant heat between us. I run my nails along the base of his neck and our kiss deepens. He leans me back and I grip his shirt. The heat between us is about to ignite, I'm beginning to lose all form of thought but not emotion. I become overwhelmed with a guilty sick feeling and push Fitz away from me.

"Fitz stop. I'm sorry I can't do this. A part of me really really wants to but I'm still married to Drew, I only had the divorce papers drawn up Monday. Doing this now would be cheating and I can't do that to Drew. I'm really sorry about this, I saw you after all these years and emotions got away with me and sensation. I didn't mean to lead you on, I fe…"

"Clare it's okay," Fitz grins as we sit up again. "Come on I'll take you back to the hotel," Fitz tells me and I smile. I fix my clothes again and grab my purse and he drives me back to the hotel.

"It really was good to see you again, I felt something that I'd thought I'd lost," I tell Fitz before getting out of the car.

I go up to my room and take a hot shower then I get ready for bed, find a movie on TV and fall asleep halfway through it. I wake to my alarm and pack up then meet Kevon to have breakfast before we fly home. The paper sends a car to pick us up and take us to the office, we put in a couple of hours and I take the subway to K.C. and Jenna's where I'm temporarily staying. K.C. seems to be out but Jenna is home when I get in.

"How was the trip?" Jenna asks.

"Good, enlightening in some ways. I saw Fitz; he lives there and works there now. He hasn't changed at all. That is he looks just like he did in high school but more grown up, he's matured a lot. It was good to see him, almost too good I went back to his place," I admit.

"Did you…" Jenna begins but I cut her off.

"No but we almost did. We got very close but I stopped it and I felt guilty. I'm still married to Drew and I won't cheat on him, I still love him."

"If you still love Drew that much are you sure about the divorce?"

"As much as it hurts yes I'm sure. I see these people in group, couples that lost a child a decade ago and haven't moved past it. The child's room has never been touched. They stay together for another child that they can barely look at. One man divorced his wife after five years when she could barely leave their son's room; she just sits in the rocking chair. I used to do that, I used to sit there and not move and be pulled into the depths of grief. I can't stay in that house or stay married to Drew, we need a clean break, both of us do."

"As long as you're sure. I hear Drew found an apartment, something he's subleasing through a co-worker," Jenna tells me.

"Good I'm glad he found a place, I'll start looking in the morning."

"No hurry you're welcome to stay here as long as you need. K.C. is going to be home soon I'm going to start dinner.

"I'm going to unpack you want help with dinner?"

"No that's okay you relax," Jenna replies getting up and going into the kitchen.

I take a shower while Jenna starts dinner because I always feel like I need a shower after travel. By the time I'm out K.C. is home and I tell them both about my trip, I know he'll probably tell Drew about my encounter with Fitz but nothing happened, I stopped it before it did. Ricky and his boyfriend are coming with me to the house tomorrow to help me pack up and get stuff out. Ricky's cousin is a real estate agent and offered to put the house on the market and get it cleaned up and all that. K.C. and Jenna offer to come and help too and that way we can get it all done in one day. After dinner I go to my room and spend the evening looking at apartments for rent. By the time I go to bed I've applied to several places.

I wake up fairly early Sunday morning and the three of us leave to meet Ricky and his boyfriend Julian for breakfast. I treat everyone for breakfast before we head to my former house to pack up. When I open the front door the living room looks like a tornado hit it.

"Whoa I guess Drew didn't take moving too well," Ricky comments as everyone else comes in.

"I knew he would be angry I wasn't expecting this. Can you guys start cleaning up down here I'm going to go upstairs and start up there," I tell the others.

"You want any company?" Jenna asks.

"No I need to go look at the bed rooms alone first," I reply.

"Come get us if you need anything," K.C. says and I smile.

I walk upstairs slowly, mostly because I'm afraid of what the bedrooms look like. I start with our bedroom, he took what he wanted, which wasn't much, and didn't put his name on anything I wanted. Unlike the living room it isn't trashed, he even folded the bedding. The divorce and moving out of this house was my idea and I wholeheartedly believe it's the right thing to do it hits me that it's actually happening. I sit down on the bed and tears start flowing from my eyes in torrents. I sit there for a while, on the bed we once shared, crying so hard my whole body is shaking. Eventually I stop; just as rapidly as the tears began they stop like someone turned off the spigot. I get up and wipe my eyes before I begin piling the stuff I want to keep on the bed.

Leaving our room I go to the nursery, it should have been Ezra's room, his little sanctuary and space to make his own. Instead he spent maybe a total of 3 hours ever in this room between diaper changes and feedings, perhaps a few minutes in the crib here and there so I could get things done. Now our son, this beautiful, amazing person that we created and was a piece of each of us and now he's reduced to things and memories. Drew took his old bear and a couple of other things but the rest is still here. Aside from the memory book there was only a couple of things I wanted from Ezra's room, a couple of gifts from people that are particularly special but I don't want the rest, I want to get rid of it all. It doesn't remind me of Ezra it only reminds me of how we failed, how we lost our son and no one could explain why or do anything about it. I grab the few things I do want and put them on the bed in the bedroom.

"Here's a few boxes, we got downstairs cleaned up and we're starting to pack everything. Do you want help up here?" Jenna questions setting to boxes down.

"No I can get it; there isn't much I want to take."

"Okay Ricky and Julian are going to take pictures of the stuff to put online and sell, some we'll donate and the rest we can do a yard sale for next weekend. Julian said we could have it at his house he's already posting about it online."

"Thanks K.C. I'll pack up what I want to take."

K.C. gives me a kind smile and goes downstairs again. I pack up what I want to keep in one box and then lie down on the bed. I guess crying tired me out because I fall asleep and don't wake up again until I feel a hand on my arm.

"Are you okay?" Jenna asks.

"Yeah just really tired," I reply sitting up.

"Why don't you go back to our place and rest we can finish up here," Jenna suggests.

"Yeah thanks, I'm really fatigued and kind of sore," I reply.

"We got things covered here don't worry about a thing."

I hug Jenna and we go downstairs, Jenna tells them all I'm going back to rest and I say goodbye to everyone. I get in my car and drive home feeling oddly tired and my back is sore. When I get back to Jenna and K.C.'s I draw a hot bath and check my e-mail while I wait. I find that I have a reply from one of the apartments I applied to saying I can come look at the apartment tomorrow.

(DREW)

This muggy and hot day in July was made all the worse when I was served divorce papers this morning. I looked them over several times, I wasn't going to contest anything there really wasn't anything to contest. Clare wasn't asking for alimony, we'd split the sale of the house and the possessions. After reading them over again and again I signed them. I knew it was the right thing, Clare was right if we stayed together we'd resent each other, we needed to heal and that was not going to happen staying in that house or staying together, as much as I didn't want to admit it. Since Ezra's death we'd both taken on harmful behaviors. I'd gone back to MMA fighting and I wanted to be hurt. Clare took to cleaning obsessively and trying to be the perfect wife.

With the papers signed I put them back in the envelope they were delivered in and get in my car to take them to Clare myself. I know from K.C. that she signed the lease on her new apartment on Saturday and they moved her in that day. I have the address but I haven't gone over yet I was afraid she'd tell me to get out. I drive to Clare's new apartment building and park out front taking the elevator to the third floor and going to Clare's apartment.

"Clare it's me," I call through the door knocking on it at the same time and the door opens as I knock. It wasn't locked; it wasn't even closed all the way. "Clare why wasn't the door locked? You know that's not safe. Clare?" I call in but there's no answer.

There's only one hallway so I walk back to the bedroom. The bed is set up but most everything else is still in boxes. Clare sits on the corner of her bed just staring into space, exactly as she did right after Ezra did when she sit in the rocking chair and stare into nothing. She has the same despondent, hopeless look on her face and blank eyes.

"Clare didn't you hear me calling? Why was the door unlocked?" I question but she doesn't move, she doesn't look at me or make a noise it's like she's in a whole other dimension but I can still see her.

"Clare what's wrong?"

Still nothing, no movement, no sound, she's no acknowledging that I'm here she doesn't seem to notice me at all. It's like she's gone catatonic all of a sudden. I walk further into the room until I'm standing next to her.

"Clare," I say putting my hand on her arm.

As if I just pulled her up from the water she takes a deep gasping breath and looks over at me. Her eyes are open wide and her heart beating so fast I can hear it from here. She seems to shaking slightly and lets out a breath.

"I came to bring you the divorce papers. What's wrong?"

"I relapsed," she tells me in a frightened whisper and my heart stops.

After telling me this she sinks to the floor and begins bawling, crying hard and desperate tears. I catch her in my arms and hold her tight, sitting with her on the floor as she cries. All I can think is I can't lose her, losing her to cancer and losing her to divorce are two different things. If I lose her to divorce she's still alive but if I lose her to cancer, if she dies I'd never see her again, I wouldn't have her at all.

"When did you find out?"

"This morning," she says through her tears turning into me a little more. "I'd been tired and hurting; I thought it was all the emotional stress or that I'd caught something while traveling. I went to the doctor on Friday just to see, they said it wasn't the flu, they took some blood, I'm in the early part of stage three. They want me to check into the hospital in a few days for treatment. They told me to get my affairs in order first. I'm so scared Drew, I can't do this alone. I'm not as young or as strong as I was when I was seventeen and that was only stage two."

"You're not alone Clare, you won't go through it alone. I'll take care of you; I'll get everyone to help. You are not alone and you can beat this, I know you're strong enough. I can't lose you and Ezra both. What hospital are you going to? Which doctor did you see? I want to talk to the doctor and find out everything we can do."

"There's a cancer clinic in Manhattan that specializes in relapse. Dr. Shaye is a consulting doctor there and he got me a spot. I don't even know how to begin putting my affairs in order."

"There's six more weeks before I have to go back to work I'm coming with you to the clinic. I can maybe transfer schools, even if I have to commute it won't be so bad but I'll be there with you every day."

"I can't ask you to do that Drew," she shakes her head.

"I'm your husband Clare I'm going to be there with you."

"What about the divorce papers? Didn't you sign them?"

"Yes but you haven't and we haven't filed them, unless you want to file them still? I love you Clare," I remind her.

"I love you too and I need you," she says gripping my arm.

"Then these don't exist," I say taking the divorce papers from the envelope and ripping them in half. "We can call the lawyer in the morning and tell him we changed our minds. I'll call the doctor and the clinic, I'm going to be by your side for everything and we will get through this," I assure her taking her chin and tipping her head up before taking her lips in a soft kiss.

"I love you Drew, I never stopped."

"I know I love you too."

Update next Tuesday will start from around here and include them telling everyone.