Mary I replied again if you haven't seen it and I had a couple of questions for you after you've seen this latest reply.

Ch. 16 It's a Time to be Tough A Time to be Wise

(CLARE)

"Alright Clare we're all done we'll get you back to your room," the nurse says to me as they take me from the MRI table and set me back into the wheelchair.

This clinic is definitely nicer and more calming than Toronto Western Hospital Pediatric Oncology ward. Even so I'm finding it very hard to have to find any hope in this situation. I always knew there was a chance the cancer could reoccur but I always thought if it did I'd recognize the symptoms and catch it sooner. Maybe I didn't want to, did I just ignore the symptoms or did I really pass it all off as something else.

"Your care team will be in to discuss the results with you once they get them back. It could be an hour or two so make yourself comfortable and we'll bring you both something to eat," the orderly says after wheeling me into the room. I nod and stand up getting on the bed and the orderly leaves.

"I called Adam and gave him an update, Paige arranged a whole information tree to keep everyone up to date," Drew tells me as he sits on the edge of the bed.

"Good, I guess," I say softly.

"Everyone wants to be kept up to date; everyone is going to come visit. You're not alone Clare and you won't be alone, not for a moment," Drew assures me as I grab the part of Ezra's blanket that I cut out. I hold the blanket in my hand and rub it with my thumb.

"Time for lunch," an orderly says pushing in a cart with two trays. He sets the trays on the bed and tells us to enjoy before leaving.

"Looks good, chicken and salad with some dark green leafy stuff," Drew comments observing the food.

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat Clare," Drew urges setting the tray on my rolling table and pushing it toward me.

I take a few bites of the kale salad and a couple bites of chicken, nibbling at it slowly. Once I'm eating I find that I am hungry and eat most of the salad and half the chicken. Drew eats the rest of my chicken and all of his but doesn't seem to like the kale salad. An orderly comes in and takes the trays and then a portion of my care team comes back in, all the ones with medical degrees anyway.

"Hello Clare, Drew," Dr. Shaye says, "we have your tests back. I told you preciously I believed you to be in early stage three and that's been confirmed. You have a tumor that's approximately six centimeters which does put you in stage three. The good news is that the cancer does not appear to have spread to your lymph nodes; we will have to run further tests to confirm. The not so good news is where the tumor is, the tumor is growing on your kidney and intercostal muscle and very near to your spine. We need to operate and remove the tumor as soon as possible. It's the only tumor we see which is good news but we will need to do a CT scan of the area with radioactive dye so we can clearly see what the tumor is affecting. We need to know this before doing the surgery. We'll also be taking a biopsy of the tissue surrounding the tumor so we know just what type of cancerous cell we're dealing with. I'm scheduling biopsy for later this afternoon, and the CT for the morning, based on those tests you'll go into surgery no later than Saturday evening. After the tests and the surgery we'll begin the course of treatment."

"You'll spend the next couple of days getting situated here, I'll take you and Drew on a tour in a little bit. You'll meet the rest of your care team as well and we'll begin discussing options and supportive therapies with you and Drew. I'll be back shortly to take you on a tour, if you need anything use the phone to ring the nurse's station," Audrey, my care manager, says and I nod.

When the doctors leave I slump down in the bed a little, falling back against the pillow. Drew takes my hand and brushes his fingers along my cheek.

"It will be fine, they'll remove the tumor and you'll have some chemo to kill the rest of the cancer," Drew tries to assure me.

"What if they can't remove the tumor? What if something goes wrong in surgery? What if I can't make it through chemo again? Not everyone does, it kills the cancer but it kills everything else too."

"Stop it, you will get through this. You're thinking only of the worst case scenario. You're strong, and you're stubborn and you will get through this. I'll be here every moment that I can and when I can't someone else will. Someone that loves you and cares about you wants you to get better."

"What if I don't want to?" I say in a voice lower than a whisper but Drew hears me. He looks at me, I feel his eyes on me but I'm looking at my hand still holding the bit of Ezra's blanket.

"Clare do you m…" Drew is saying but gets cut off by Audrey coming in the room.

"Ready for the tour?" Audrey asks. I nod and get up releasing Drew's hand and he comes with me. Drew walks at my side and we follow Audrey. "This floor and the one above and below are all patient rooms. We'll start on the ground floor," Audrey tells us as we walk to the elevator and she pushes the button.

The tour of the very large facility takes over an hour and then we return to my room. This clinic is all about treating every aspect of the person; mind, body and soul. I think it's good but it really doesn't give me any more hope about beating this.

"Clare what you said earlier did you mean it? Do you not want to beat this?"

"I don't know Drew, I don't know if I have the strength to go through it all again. I'm not sure I see the point right now. Ezra's gone what am I living for?"

"Us Clare you're living for us. When you don't have the strength I'll have the strength for you. You can't just give up, if you do then the cancer has already won," Drew insists sitting on the bed putting his arm around me and taking my hand.

"I died when Ezra died. The second his heart stopped I died, I lived like a ghost for weeks and just when I began to get a life back and feel like a person again I find out I have cancer. Stage three this time, in another place and close to my spine. If it's spread to my lymph nodes or my spine…"

"We don't know any of that yet Clare. You can't five up on hope, not yet, not until there isn't any hope left," Drew pleads.

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to tell him. I want to tell him to go but I know he won't. I want to tell him I've already given up and I'm ready to be with Ezra but he'll keep telling me there's hope.

"Time for your biopsy Clare," an orderly tells me coming into the room.

"I'll be right here when you get back," Drew says kissing my temple. I give him an appreciative smile, as much of one as I can muster, and kiss my husband's cheek before sitting in the wheelchair and being wheeled out of the room.

(ADAM)

"Clare Torres' room please," I say to the nurse at the front reception desk. The nurse gives me the room number and tells me how to find it. When I get to the room I find my brother sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands and I don't see Clare anywhere. "Drew?"

He looks up when I say his name and I can see that he's been crying. I sit next to him on the bed and put my hand on his back.

"Hey, she'll be back soon, I think, she just went to get a biopsy done."

"Are you worried about the biopsy?"

"No I'm not worried about the fact that this fight hasn't even begun and she's already given up."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean she told me she didn't want to get through this. She told me she was ready to be with Ezra. We hardly know anything and she's just done, she's ready to die without even a fight. She doesn't want to try Adam. I'm trying to be strong for her, to be her strength but how can I be strong for her when she's given up and decided she's ready to die?"

"She's scared Drew, she's already been through this and after all she's been through she's facing it again. You didn't really see her when she went through this before. All she wanted to do was ignore the fact that she was a cancer patient and be a normal girl for Eli."

"I remember, I helped her escape," Drew says with a small grin and a hint of memory in his eye.

"She's been through so much recently she doesn't have that one thing to hold onto now. If I'd been through the loss of a child, being seeped in grief, nearly self-destructing from it and watching you nearly self-destruct with MMA fighting and a concussion. After all of that coming to the hard realization that ending my marriage was the best thing and just as I'm beginning to start a new life find out my life could be coming to an end. I'd probably feel like giving up too. She's frightened but she's not done fighting Drew. If she was done fighting she would have told you to go and leave her and sign the divorce papers. Or she would have ended her life as soon as she knew the cancer was back. She didn't, she didn't tell you to go, she wanted you to rip the divorce papers up, she wanted you with her. That means some part of her, even if it's just a little part right now, some part of her wants to fight. So we need to do all that we can to make that part bigger. To remind her that there is still something to fight for, we need to be her strength and give her reasons to live. And she'll find a reason, it might take her a while but she'll find the will to fight. She did it the first time, she did it after Ezra's death and she'll do it now she just needs some time."

"Yeah, you're right I'm sorry I won't give up on her I just don't know how to be strong for her when she talks about giving up like that."

"You know that you're not alone either. When you're having trouble finding strength you call on one of us or all of us," I tell Drew and he nods then we're silent for a few moments. "So do we know anything yet? They took her for a biopsy presumably that means they know where the cancer is or the tumor? Does she have a tumor?" I question.

"Yeah, yeah she does about six centimeters they said. It's on her kidney and near her spine; they took her for a biopsy to see about what type of cancer cells it is. Something like that, I sort of tuned out after they told us it was on her kidney and close to her spine. She has to get CT scan tomorrow so they know exactly where the tumor is and how to operate and she'll have surgery on Saturday. After that they'll tell us about course of treatment."

"Any word about her prognosis?"

"Not yet, they just said they didn't think it had spread to her lymph nodes which was good. They aren't sure of that yet it's something they'll find out with the tests. That's all we know other than she needs surgery to remove the tumor," Drew tells me and we hear a male voice just outside the door and then an orderly brings Clare into the room.

"How was it?" Drew asks as we both hope off the bed so she can get on.

"Fine I guess, more involved than the last one I had. Hi Adam," she says getting on the bed.

"Hi Clare," I grin.

"Do you need anything?" Drew questions.

"No I'm kind of tired but you've been in here most of the day you should get out for a bit. Take a nap in your room or get a cup of coffee at least. I'm sure you'll be seeing plenty of this room in the coming weeks," Clare says to Drew.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" He asks her.

"I've got Adam," she replies giving me a small smile.

"Okay I'm gonna get some coffee I'll be back in a bit," Drew replies and kisses her cheek before leaving the room. Clare watches him go and then looks at me.

"Adam I need you to promise me something," she tells me.

"Anything Clare," I respond sitting on the edge of the bed.

"You have to promise that if I'm going to die that you'll get Drew out of here. Promise me that you won't let him watch me die. He watched Ezra die you have to promise me that you won't let him watch me die. I don't care what it takes or what you have to do get him out of here. If they tell me I'm not going to make it you drag Drew out of here so that he doesn't watch me die because I don't want him to go through that. It would kill him, destroy him completely and I won't do that to him."

"I promise Clare, I promise if they tell us you're going to die I will take Drew out of here and I won't let him watch the moment the love of his life dies. However I make this promise with one proviso," I tell her.

"What's that?"

"You have to promise that you'll fight, promise that you will fight this cancer with every ounce of strength that you have. And when you have no more strength you draw it from the rest of us, Drew included. You can't give up, not until they tell you there is no more reason to fight but until they tell you that you fight with everything you've got. Because if you're just going to give up then I might as well take Drew out of here now."

"I promise to fight Adam," she says releasing a breath as she says the words.

"Really fight Clare, no more talk about giving up or not fighting or being ready to join Ezra."

"I'll fight with everything I have," she assures me.

"Good," I smile taking her hand. "Paige is coming later. Owen, Ash, K.C. and Jenna want to come for dinner if you're up for it."

"Yeah that would be nice. Promise me you'll make Drew get out of the hospital sometimes. I know he wants to be here with me every moment but he's going to need to get out and just take a breath sometimes. You have to look after him the way I know he'll be looking after me."

"I promise and we'll make sure you get some time, we might not be able to take you from the hospital but you and the girls can have a chick flick movie night. Or tea in the garden, time to remind yourself that there is life outside this hospital."

"That sounds nice, remembering that there's life outside of the hospital and after the hospital," Clare smiles and hearing her remind herself there's a life after this makes me smile.

"There will be plenty of people coming to visit and spend time with you and remind you that there will be a life after this. My parents and yours will be down this weekend. Jake and Katie will be out as soon as they can be. I know Eli is going to come out as soon as he can. You have lots of people around you and here to support you and when you need one of us we'll be here," I tell her just as Drew comes back in the room. He smiles when he sees her smiling and sits on the other side of her bed. She looks at him and gives him a chaste kiss.

(DREW)

"Everyone will be here in a few moments for dinner," I tell Clare turning off the TV.

"Okay, I'm going to change into something that's not a hospital gown," she says getting off the bed.

She goes to her closet and gets out a casual dress before going into the washroom to change. Since speaking to Adam she's been lighter, like a great weight has been lifted from her shoulders, and if she's feeling not more optimistic and happy at least she hasn't seemed like she wants to give up anymore. I don't know what Adam said to her but it did the trick. It is very beneficial that he's my brother and her best friend because he knows how to handle us both.

"Drew can you zip me up please," Clare calls and I get up and go to the washroom door zipping the dress. "Where are we all going to eat, the little table is only going to fit four," Clare comments as she sits on her bed again.

"I already spoke to Audrey and she's reserved us one of the small conference rooms so we can all fit," I tell her and she smiles.

The three of us have spent most of the afternoon looking through the pamphlets and booklets on classes and optional therapies this facility offers. There's quite a lot and they have something for everyone no matter what you believe or like to do. I know the others have arrived when I hear Owen's voice from down the hall.

"This place is nice, a much brighter room than the last time," Jenna comments when she leads the group into the room.

"Yeah certainly better than last time," Clare nods and hugs everyone.

"I hope everyone is hungry we brought a ton of food, they're setting it all up in a conference room," Paige tells us.

"Let's go eat," I say holding my hand out to Clare and she gets off her bed.

As we walk to the conference room the others get to see a little more of the clinic. The staff set all the food out and plates, flatware and napkins. All of us sit down and begin serving ourselves; they brought salmon, chicken, salad, rice, potatoes and vegetables. While we're eating we tell everyone what we've already been told, we tell about the tests Clare's been through and her CT scan tomorrow. Of course everyone offers words of encouragement and tells her they'll be here as often as possible. After we eat Clare hugs everyone and tells them thanks for coming and they tell her they'll see her soon. Owen, Ashley, Jenna and K.C. stay behind to clean up while Adam, Paige and I take Clare back to her room.

"We thought we'd get a hotel for the night and be here for CT scan tomorrow," Paige says when we're back at Clare's room.

"You guys can take my room at the hotel I want to sleep on the sofa in here tonight," I reply.

"Cool that sounds good," Adam grins.

"I think I'll take a shower," Clare says.

"Okay I'll take Adam and Paige over to the hotel and I'll be right back," I tell her and Clare smiles giving me a soft kiss at the corner of my mouth.

Clare hugs Adam and Paige and tells them goodnight before walking to the washroom. I take Adam and Paige to the hotel and unlock the door before giving the key to Adam.

"This is nice," Paige smiles looking at the room.

"Yeah it's got pretty much everything you'd need. You guys can use it any time you want, any of you can I think I'm going to be spending most of my time in the room with Clare," I comment.

"I promised Clare that we'd get you out of the hospital some time too, a guy's night at least every couple of weeks," Adam says.

"Yeah and Clare will have some girl time," Paige adds.

"I should get back there, I want to be there when Clare gets out of the shower, I'll see you guys in the morning. There's no food in the kitchen but the phone connects to the nurse's desk at the hospital and I'm pretty sure they can get you whatever you need," I tell them.

"We'll be fine, thanks Drew go be with Clare," Paige replies with a smile.

I leave the room and get back to the hotel, Clare is still in the shower and I go into the washroom. I see her silhouette behind the curtain but she doesn't seem to be moving.

"Clare? You okay Angel Eyes?"

"Yeah just tired and sore from the biopsy," she replies.

"You should rinse off and get into bed. We can watch a movie and I'll hold you in bed, if you want me to," I tell her.

"I want you to," she replies turning off the water and drawing back the curtain. I smile at the sight of her naked body and then take the smile from my face when she looks uncomfortable.

"I won't look very sexy in a few weeks when the chemo has started killing everything and making me ill," Clare says grabbing a towel.

"You'll always look sexy to me," I say and she twists her mouth at me like she doesn't believe me.

She gets her pajamas and gets ready for bed, she gets comfortable in bed and I get in the bed and put her in my arms. She finds something on TV and falls asleep after a short time. We're still in her bed with Clare in my arms when we're woken up by Doctor Reddington, Clare's Radiation Oncologist.

"Good morning, Dr. Shaye will be here later but I will be overseeing the test. We're going to come and inject contrast dye through an IV so we can get a clear picture. The test will take about twenty minutes and I'll be back to take you to the CT. You can't eat before the test but you can eat after. Right now you'll need to change into your hospital gown."

Clare nods and Dr. Reddington leaves the room. I get up and she changes into her hospital gown. Adam and Paige come just as she's getting the contrast dye through the IV. I explain what's going on and they sit down by Clare, the nurses come back along with Dr. Reddington.

"We're going to take you to imaging now Clare. It will take about twenty minutes so the rest of you can wait here or you can come down with us. There's a room you can wait in and be able to see Clare."

"We'll go down," I speak up while Adam and Paige nod.

They put Clare in a wheelchair and we follow them, I kiss her just before they take her in. We sit in a little room watching through glass as she lies on the table and goes into the MRI machine. It seems to take forever but eventually she does come out again and gets back in the wheelchair.

"You can return to your room now Clare, we'll review your results and myself and the rest of the care team will come speak to you later this afternoon," Dr. Reddington says.

"Can I walk back?" Clare asks.

"Of course Clare," the doctor smile and Clare gets out of the wheelchair. She links her arm with mine and we walk back to her room.

"Are you hungry? We can see about breakfast," Paige says when we're back at Clare's room.

"I'm not that hungry but maybe some tea," Clare replies.

"We'll be back in a few moments," Adam grins and they leave the room.

Clare takes my hand and pulls me to the sofa, sitting down with me she puts my arm around her and she leans on me.

"I love you Drew, I couldn't do this without you. I need you here; I'm going to need you a lot as I get more ill."

"I'm not going anywhere Clare, not ever. I love you always," I smile and kiss her gently.

Update next Tuesday will pick up probably with Clare getting her test results and include her surgery and more visits from friends and family.