So this week has been very busy at work as we continue wrapping up end of the year stuff. Because of the craziness at work it will be short chapters for the most part this weekend. The 15th is our deadline so after that things should calm down a bit and chapters should be longer again. Tonight's chapter actually isn't short but as there was no chapter on Monday I was able to get a bit of a start on it on Monday so rejoice at the longer chapter.

Ch. 19 I'd be Lost if I Were to Lose You

(ADAM)

"Hey she's still asleep, she knows I have a meeting today but she might still ask for me. They'll be coming to give her the morning chemo in a few moments," Drew tells me and Eli when we walk into Clare's room Monday morning. Clare's been here and receiving treatment for a little over two weeks now. The intensive treatment has begun to take it's toll on her body and Drew barely leaves her side. He wouldn't be leaving now but he has a staff meeting at his school that he has to be at.

"Don't worry about Clare we got this, just concentrate on work," Eli assures Drew. Eli's still working on a project in New York and he comes at least twice a week to see Clare and be here for Drew. I think better than anyone Eli knows what Drew is going through, we all care about Clare but it's different watching the girl you are in love with be sick than your daughter, best friend or close friend. Eli came home to nurse her through cancer in high school, Drew saw a little of it but he was hardly friends with Clare at that point. Now Drew is watching the girl he's in love with, and thought he might lose already, wither into this sickness and Eli has been good for Drew as a means of support.

"Thanks I'll try not to worry about her. I should be back by two but if it looks like the meeting is going to go later I'll call you," Drew says.

We say goodbye and Eli and I sit down in the chairs near Clare's bed. We watch for a few moments and then silently do things on our phones. A nurse comes in and starts the chemo machine, Clare sleeps through all of it and I look at her. She shaved her hair off over a week ago. Paige, Ash and Jenna brought her wigs and helped her. Drew assured her that she was beautiful, we all did. I'd seen her without hair last time; it wasn't even that scary to see it this time. What is scary this time is that she's so much skinnier and pale than last time. She looks like a skeleton, she's skin and bones, ghostly white and although I know she's sleeping she looks dead.

"Drew?" Clare whispers as she begins to wake up.

"He's at his meeting but me and Eli are here," I comfort her taking her hand in mind.

"We'll stay until Drew is back," Eli tells her with a hand on her arm.

"I'm not very good company," Clare says opening her eyes.

"That's okay I've done this before remember?" Eli comments with a smirk and it makes Clare smile a little.

"We can put on a movie," I offer.

"No movie I have a headache, can you read to me? Anything just get my mind off the treatment," Clare says.

We've all brought her books in the last couple of weeks so Eli picks one out and he starts reading to her. After a while a nurse comes in and stops the chemo. Eli reads a couple of chapters and Clare falls asleep again.

"She wasn't this bad last time," Eli whispers as he puts the book down.

"No she wasn't. She's older now though and the cancer had progressed farther. She was starting in a weaker state we just have to help keep her strong," I tell him but I'm also worried. Clare sleeps for about twenty minutes before waking up suddenly. She tries to get out of bed struggling to her blankets off.

"Clare?" I question.

"Need to vom," she says quickly with a weak and strained voice.

I get the blankets off of her and Eli helps her up, she starts to walk while dragging her IV pole. She only walks a few steps but already sounds out of breath and then she suddenly falters nearly falling to the floor but Eli catches her. She looks like she's about to throw up so I quickly grab the bucket from near her bed and put it in front of her. She throws up several times and Eli holds her as her body shakes with each time she vomits.

"Eli," I whisper lifting Clare's gown a little as I notice a rash on her thigh.

"That doesn't look good," he replies back looking at it with a furrowed brow.

"I'm done," Clare says trying to get up but she's struggling so Eli picks her up. He takes her to the bed and pull her IV.

"I'm going to get one of her doctors," I say to Eli as he hands Clare her water glass and she takes some sips. Eli nods and I leave Clare's room, I look up and down the hall but don't see anyone. I start walking to the desk of the floor nurse but I see Clare's Care Manager coming out of another patient's room. "Audrey," I call to her and she looks over at me.

"Hello Adam I was just about to look in on Clare," Audrey tells me.

"We need one of her doctors, something isn't right. She couldn't even walk a couple of steps, she was out of breath just doing that and she has this rash on her thigh and it's not bed sores," I inform her. As I'm telling Audrey her face begins to change from happy and placid to worry.

"I'll get Dr. Reddington the important thing is not to panic. Return to Clare's room calm and filled with healing energy she will pick up on whatever you're feeling," Audrey tells me. I nod and return to Clare's room and whisper to Eli that a doctor is coming. It's less than a minute later that Dr. Reddington comes in with Dr. Kennedy, Dr. Sander and Audrey.

"Hello Adam, Eli. Clare we're going to have a look at you," Dr. Reddington tells her.

"Okay but I feel a little dizzy," she says.

"That's okay you just lie there and we'll do the exam," he replies.

Clare nods and I see that Dr. Sander is looking at Clare's heart monitor and making some notes. Dr. Reddington and Dr. Kennedy take the blankets down to look at Clare and they instantly notice the rash on her leg. They spend a couple of minutes looking at her body and asking her questions but she's very fatigued and begins drifting to sleep again. The last thing they do is take some blood.

"What's wrong with her?" I question when they're done.

"We won't know for sure until the test results come back and I don't want anyone to panic needlessly until we know what we're dealing with. Do you know when Drew will be back we'll want to speak with him," Dr. Reddington says.

"He should be back about 2:30," I reply.

"Good, we'll be back to check on her soon and if you need anything let us know," Dr. Kennedy tells us. The three doctors leave the room now but Audrey stays.

"Is there anything I can do for you Clare?" Audrey asks.

"No just tired," Clare responds.

"Then you should sleep, if need anything at all let me know," Audrey says and Clare nods. "How about you two? Do you need anything? It doesn't look like you've had anything to eat," Audrey comments looking at me and Eli.

"I've been concentrating on Clare and hadn't really thought about being hungry," I comment and Eli nods in agreement.

"I'll have some food brought up and coffee as well. If there's anything else you need or Clare needs you know how to find me," Audrey insists.

"Thanks Audrey," I smile at her.

She smiles back and leaves the room, a short time later food is brought up and Eli and I eat what we can. The thing about hospitals is they tend to kill your appetite. Eli and I spend what feels like a very long day at Clare's bedside. When she's awake we talk to her and read to her but she can only seem to stay awake for an hour at most. When she's asleep we watch her intently, worried about what's wrong with her and hoping the doctors figure it out and make her better. Drew returns just before 2:30 and Clare is asleep.

"What's wrong?" Drew asks as soon as he comes in and sees our faces.

"The doctors took some blood to run some tests," I tell him. Eli explains what happened when Clare vomited and the rash.

Drew doesn't say anything he just sits on the edge of her bed and takes Clare's hand. He kisses her hand and the top of her bald head and then Clare wakes up.

"Drew?"

"Hi there Pretty Eyes," he grins at her.

"Adam and Eli took good care of me but I missed you," Clare tells him.

"Of course they took good care of you and I missed you too but I'm here now," he assuages Clare just as Dr. Reddington comes back in.

"We have the test results back and it's as we suspected the chemo has caused Clare's body to stop producing enough new blood cells. This is a rare condition known as aplastic anemia. It's a serious condition and we will start treating it immediately starting with medications. If the medications aren't effect then we'll begin with blood and platelet transfusions and if necessary may have to do a bone marrow transplant. Aplastic anemia can be fatal which is why treatment needs to be immediate and aggressive. If it comes to the point where we need to do a bone marrow transplant we will need to stop chemo until her body has accepted the transplant," Dr. Reddington tells us and we all turn various shades of green or white. "I know it's frightening but we're starting treatment right now. We'll monitor her closely and adjust all her treatments daily as needed to keep her strong as possible and healing. Take these Clare this is medication for the aplastic anemia, we will continue with the chemo but we'll be cutting back to one treatment a day until the aplastic anemia has been taken care of."

"How long will be do medication before attempting something more aggressive?" Drew asks while Clare swallows the pills.

"As I said we'll be monitoring her every day and will adjust her chemo and the treatment for the aplastic anemia as well as her other treatments and therapies as necessary," Dr. Reddington replies and Drew nods.

"Drew hold me," Clare requests with tears in her eyes. Drew doesn't say a word simply gets on the bed wrapping his wife in his arms.

"Do you guys need anything? Do you want us to stay?" I question.

"No you guys go home, thanks for staying with her. Can you guys call everyone and update them?" Drew requests.

"Yeah of course," Eli says.

We say goodnight, gather our stuff before leaving the room. I wave to Eli and get in my car to drive home; I don't have work today I got time off to be with Clare today. Paige won't be home for a couple more hours; I sit on the sofa and begin making phone calls. I call my parents first and tell them then I call Clare's parents. After that I call K.C. which is pretty much everyone, I text Eli and find out he's called Owen and Jake. By the time I'm done making phone calls and talking to everyone I hear Paige's car in the driveway so I get up to greet my wife at the door.

"Hi Gorgeous," I grin and embrace my wife giving her a deep and passionate kiss full of every drop of love I possess for her.

"My that was quite the greeting," Paige grins when we break the kiss, "what was that for?"

"Just happy to have my beautiful wife home and grateful that you're healthy," I reply as she locks the door.

"How is Clare?" Paige asks.

"Not good she has aplastic anemia, they're beginning treatment but it could kill her. She was very weak and they're cutting back on her chemo treatments until the aplastic anemia is gone. They're doing medications first and if that doesn't work blood transfusions and if that doesn't work a bone marrow transplant. If she needs a transplant they'll have to stop chemo all together for a while, until her body has accepted the transplant. I watched her in the hospital last time, I saw her sick, I even knew she could die but this time I'm worried that she really will die."

"They've been through so much I can't imagine how Drew is holding up," Paige says as we walk to the sofa and sit down.

"He's barely holding it together for her sake. I called our parents and hers they'll all be down this weekend and Helen is coming tomorrow. K.C. and I talked about getting Drew out this weekend, away from the hospital. It would be good if the girls were with Clare even if she's not up for much."

"Of course we will, I'll talk to Ash and Jenna this week and we'll make a plan for whatever Clare is up for. Are you hungry? I was going to hop in the shower but I can make dinner first," Paige says.

"Let's make dinner together and then shower together, after today I just don't want to spend a moment without you," I tell her.

Paige smiles and gives me a tender loving kiss. We go into the kitchen and make a simple dinner together. We eat and then clean up before going into our washroom to shower. Paige turns on the water and I undress my wife, taking her blazer off and then unbuttoning her blouse. I take it off her body and kiss her soft skin. As the washroom begins to fill with steam we finish undressing and step into the shower. I wash Paige's hair and her body, she washes me and then I turn off the water taking my wife into my arms for a long loving kiss. We dry off and get ready for bed even though it's still early but after the day I'm exhausted.

"Adam," Paige says as we crawl into bed, "ever since we found out Clare was sick and it brought her and Drew back together I've been thinking."

"About what?" I query putting my arm around her and she cuddles up to me.

"I want to have a baby. I don't want to wait Adam. After everything Drew and Clare have been through in the last few months I know I don't want to wait. I want to call tomorrow and schedule an appointment for implantation of your egg and donor sperm."

When I began going to the doctor to discuss hormone therapy, as the first part of my physical transition, the doctor recommended I freeze some eggs in case I wanted biological children one day. When I was sixteen I thought it was crazy and didn't think I'd want children or that if I were ever to marry my wife would want to be implanted with my egg. I still underwent the procedure and had several of my eggs frozen. Now I'm very glad that I did. After meeting Paige and falling in love of course her first questions were about sex but as the relationship developed and became more serious she asked about children. I told her about my frozen eggs and that they could be implanted into her and the child would be biologically mine. Paige loved this idea and was very grateful that it was option especially since she could get pregnant again with her own eggs. After I proposed to Paige and we knew that kids was something we wanted we asked our friends and family to donate sperm. Drew, Dylan, Marco, Owen and K.C. all donated and their sperm is frozen with my eggs. We have specifically asked not to know which sperm is used but we do know that it will be someone we love.

"Then call tomorrow and make an appointment we'll make this happen. We'll bring a beautiful child into this world. Maybe knowing they're going to be an aunt and uncle will give Clare and Drew strength."

(DREW)

Holding Clare in my arms I watch her heart monitor and the hours tick by. I haven't slept all night, I couldn't I was too afraid to close my eyes. Instead I stayed awake watching Clare closely worried that she wouldn't make it through this. She had already been weak and beaten down after losing Ezra an event that took us both to the breaking point more than once. We almost lost each other, we almost got divorced and went our separate ways and in that single way her cancer was a blessing. It kept us together and gave us something to fight for. She almost gave up though, she almost decided it wasn't worth the fight and gave in to be with Ezra. She didn't go she stayed and fought, she's been fighting so hard but it wasn't enough.

I knew she'd get sick and look ill. I knew that the chemo and radiation would weaken her body and ravage it. In the last two weeks I've watched her begin to wither, I've watched her already fair skin fade of all color until she looks like a ghost. I've watched her body get thinner and thinner until her bones became visible through her skin. I've watched her eyes grow dimmer and her abilities begin to diminish. Now not only are the cancer and the chemo trying to kill her but she has a serious and potentially deadly condition. Now I'm too afraid to close my eyes because I'm afraid if I do one of these things will kill her and she'll lose this fight. If I lose her I'll be lost, if I lose Clare I'll no longer have anything to fight for or live for.

"Good morning Drew," Dr. Shaye greets me coming in to administer her chemo.

"Morning," I nod to him but don't let go of Clare.

"I know it's hard to sleep after the news you got yesterday but if you don't get some tonight I will give you something to make sure that you do," he says while turning on the chemo machine.

"Yes doctor," I nod but don't take my eyes off of Clare.

He leaves the room and I continue holding Clare, watching her and the heart monitor. Dr. Shaye returns to stop the chemo and he makes some notes in her chart. When he leaves I kiss Clare's temple and go back to lying there and watching her, at least until she starts to cough. I sit up and put her bed up, Clare makes a groan and it's a groan I know well it means she's about to throw up. I grab the bucket that we keep close to the bed and hold it for her. She has not eaten solid food in over a week, she's had no liquids other than water to drink and yet she throws up violently four times in a row, stops for a minute to catch her breath and throws up three more times in a row. Now that she's done she back on the bed with groan. I set the bucket down and press the call button to alert the nurse. A nurse comes in and I point to the bucket, she nods and takes it away to dispose of it before returning with a fresh bucket.

"You need to drink some water," I assert holding the straw to her lips for her to drink.

"Why? It will just come back up," Clare protests.

"Because you need to stay hydrated now please drink some for me," I insist again. She opens her lips and drinks some water.

"I'm losing this battle Drew, I can feel my body getting weaker and weaker. I don't think I can win this war this time," she tells me with a weak but apologetic voice.

"You can Clare; you have to because if you die it will kill me. If I lose you I will be lost because I will have lost everything. I can't survive this world without you at my side. You won't lose this war with cancer. I know you're weak and you're scared but I'm here to give you strength and so our friends and family. I love you Clare you were the vision of light that brought happiness to my life, you gave me a reason to be better and stronger and a will to make a life. You just keep fighting with whatever strength you have and you'll beat this. We'll come through this together," I insist to her and kiss her lips gently.

"I'm trying," she says when I take my lips away. "I'm tired again," she tells me.

"Then sleep, sleep is good for you and I'm here I won't leave you."

"Hold me all day long?"

"And all night," I tell her.

"I love you Drew," she whispers.

"I love you Clare," I smile and kiss her forehead again.

"You have been a source of strength for her since before you were together. I remember your friendship getting her through some difficult times in her senior year," Helen says as she walks in the room. I turn to look at her and wonder how long she was standing there. "Adam called last night and I got on the first flight I could," Helen explains but I had already figured it was something like that.

"It's been a tough road these last few months and I'm doing all I can to keep her strong and keep her fighting. I can't lose her; I can't even begin to picture a world without her light and her beauty, her smile and her sparkling eyes in it. That's not a world I want to live in, it's not a world I could live in. She needs all of us here, I know people have lives and jobs but she always seems so much stronger when everyone is here with her."

"I know, Glen is coming in this weekend and Jake and Katie are trying to find cheap airfare to come out. Your mom said she'd come down tomorrow she had a meeting she couldn't miss today but I promised to call with updates. I've tried everything possible to find Darcy and get her home, everything short of hiring a private detective but it's like the earth swallowed her up she seems to have totally disappeared. Well anyway Clare has a lot of support and love and I know my baby can fight cancer she's beat it once and she'll beat it this time. She just has too," Helen affirms.

"Yeah she does have lots of love and support and she has to make it through this," I nod in agreement and look into my wife's eyes. "She has to beat the cancer because if she doesn't make it through this neither will."

The update next Tuesday will either start from around here or pick up with the weekend and lots of people around for Clare. And will also likely include Paige and Adam going to the doctor for IVF.