And we're back…again. I know it's been pretty chaotic and the long stories were back for just a few weeks before going on hold again so I could move. But I did move and long stories are back now and there won't be another short story month or one shot week until July.

May and June calendars have been added to the DeGrassi Saviors website, the mobile calendar will be updated later this week.

As per usual my Tuesday was rather busy so it's a little on the short side.

Ch. 23 Every Depth Of Good & Ill

(DREW)

"You know I can walk," Clare scolds me when I pick her up out of the car.

"I know but this is a new place and I want to carry my wife across the threshold," I tell her as Adam and Paige get her bags from the car. Clare was released from the clinic today, in remission and getting stronger and healthier by the minute.

"You don't think you can argue with him do you Clare?" Adam laughs.

While she was still in the hospital I found us an apartment we could move into and with lots of help we were all moved in last weekend. Clare is seeing it for the first time but I know she'll like it. I also know everyone is waiting here to welcome her home so I don't have to open the front door. In fact Owen opens it and everyone cheers "Welcome Home" when we walk in. I set Clare down so she can greet everyone while I help Adam and Paige get the bags into the bedroom. Everyone is here, it's not as big our house but I did find a 3 bedroom loft that's an easy commute to her work when she wants to go back and I can still drive to the school. I have one of the bedrooms set up as her office and the other set up as a guest bedroom.

Eli flew in, our parents, Jake and Katie flew in to welcome her home. Of course Owen, Ashley, Jenna and K.C. are here. So are Ricky and his boyfriend and Clare's boss as well as Jennifer, my boss, and Hazel my co-teacher. There's food and a lot of talking and mingling, everyone talks about how good Clare looks and how healthy she seems and asks her what she wants to do now. And of course we show her around the loft and Clare loves everything. I'm happy just to have my wife at home and looking so happy and healthy and hopeful for the future.

"It's nice to be home," Clare smiles as we start getting ready for bed.

"You have no idea how good it is to have you home," I smile kissing her softly.

"Drew," she ventures when we're in bed.

"Yes Beautiful?"

"I want to try for children again. Having to fight cancer again and being so near death and so ready to give up I don't want to wait. We don't know what will happen next and I don't want anything in life to pass us by."

"Then we'll have another baby," I grin kissing her neck.

"Okay maybe not starting tonight," she giggles.

I smile and kiss her goodnight and we both fall asleep easily. Clare spends the next week adjusting to being home and out of the hospital, regaining more of her strength and adding touches to the loft and then we begin trying for a baby, at least once a day, every day for the next seven weeks we try and she never gets pregnant. Every test comes back negative and every attempt fails, not that I mind trying.

"I think we need to go see someone, the chemo may have done too much damage," Clare says as we get ready for my brother's New Year's Eve party.

"Then we'll make an appointment tomorrow to speak with a specialist," I reply.

"What if I can't have kids anymore?"

"Then there's other options and we'll always have each other and we can be an awesome aunt and uncle to Adam and Paige's kids."

Clare smiles and we finish getting ready for the party and we leave for Adam and Paige's place. It's not a big party but Owen and Ash are here, so is Jenna and K.C. along with some people from Adam and Paige's work. Paige hugs us when we come in, she's eighteen weeks pregnant now, not visible yet but she's got that pregnant glow now. We greet everyone else and get some food before sitting and talking with Owen and Ash.

"Any luck on the baby front?" Owen asks.

"Not yet we're going to a specialist, we'll call one tomorrow to make an appointment," I reply.

"I'm afraid the chemo and the radiation did too much damage and I can't get pregnant again," Clare says sadly and Owen reaches over to take her hand and squeeze it supportively.

The party is fun and Clare relaxes and temporarily forgets about the fact that she's not pregnant yet. We kiss at midnight and cheer the New Year with everyone, for Clare and I it's also the beginning of a fresh start. We say goodnight and goodbye to everyone and drive home. It's late and we're both tired so we go right to bed. Monday is still a holiday but I'm able to find clinic close to us and make an appointment for two weeks from today. Not that I mind spending the next couple of weeks trying for a baby. Before we even get to the appointment there is a mountain load of paperwork and pretesting we have to do.

"Hello Clare, Drew I'm Doctor Coldwater it's nice to meet you," the male doctor says coming in and shaking our hands.

"I've looked at your paperwork and your test results. Clare because of all the chemo we're going to an exploratory on your uterus with a very small camera. It will let us see better than a CT or MRI what kind of damage to your reproductive organs there might be. If you're ready to do it today we have a room ready," the doctor tells us.

"Will it hurt? Is it like surgery?" Clare questions.

"The camera is very tiny, it's like this," the doctor says showing us a small wire looking thing. If you feel any pain we'll give you a local," the doctor says.

"So the problem is with me then?" Clare asks in a shaky voice.

"We believe so, Drew's sperm count is high and the sperm are healthy. Your eggs seem to be viable so we believe it's something else in your body. You said in your paperwork that your periods had been irregular since the chemo."

"Yes but my oncologist said that was normal," Clare replies.

"It is but it could be indicative of something else as well. We really won't know until we get a look inside."

"Let's do it, now I want to know," Clare nods.

"Alright I'll have a nurse take you to the exam room and you can change into a gown," the doctor says picking up a phone and asking for someone to come in. A nurse comes in and we follow her down the hall to an exam room. She gives Clare a gown and tells her to take off everything below the waist. The nurse leaves the room and Clare changes getting on the table. After a few minutes the doctor comes in, she lies on the table and they have her legs in the stirrups and open wide. At first I'm holding her hand and looking as they insert the camera then I decide it's better to be up at her head. So I hold her hand and give her a reassuring look. She never seems to be in pain just worried. "Okay Clare we're all finished, you can sit up," the doctor says putting a blanket over her legs. "We were able to find evidence of at least one failed pregnancy, the damage to your uterus is was significant and I'm afraid you won't be able to carry a child ever again. There is simply too much damage it's not an environment a fetus can develop in even if we were to try implantation. There are other options of course; I can recommend a wonderful adoption agency in the area."

"Thank you doctor I'd like to go home now," Clare requests.

"Of course, I'll have the nurse send you home with some resources," the doctor says before he and the technician leave the room.

"It's fine, we can adopt a…"

"I don't want to talk about it Drew I just want to go home," she says. I kiss her lips softly and hand her clothes to her. She smiles at me and starts to get dressed, I turn around to get her purse and she grabs my hand. "I'm sorry, I love you and I need you I'm just…I need to…" she pauses a couple of times pausing on a trembling breath and the verge of tears trying to formulate a sentence. I put my arm around her and hold her close; she leans into me and squeezes my hand.

"I know it's okay I'm not mad. We've been through a lot and we knew this could happen but it's still upsetting. As upset as I am I can only imagine how you feel. Look at me," I insist turning her head up to look at me. "It's not your fault, this doesn't mean you're inferior or defective in any way, the chemo and cancer and radiation ravaged your system. You survived cancer twice you are amazing."

"I love you," she grins and kisses me tenderly.

"Let's go home, we'll spend the rest of the day together and I'll hold you close," I tell her and she grins.

She gets dressed and we leave the clinic with a whole bag full of booklets and pamphlets on coping with infertility, adoption and fostering and surrogacy. When we get home Clare curls up on the sofa and I hold her and she cries, she cries a lot and all I can do is hold her and tell her I love her. She cries so much that she falls asleep on me. She wakes up later that evening and kisses me before going to bed even though she's been asleep all day. I heat up some dinner and call my brother.

"How was the appointment?"

"Not good her body won't carry another baby they said it looked like she'd been pregnant and lost it early, it wouldn't even take. We both knew this was a possibility but now it's real. I'm sad but I'm more worried about Clare, she knows it's not her fault but at the same time it's her body that failed her again. She cried herself to sleep and woke up going straight to bed and she's asleep again. I have to go to work tomorrow but I don't think she should be alone."

"We'll take care of her, how are you holding up?"

"I don't know honestly, just trying to be strong for Clare and keep us together. I'm not sure it's even really sunk in yet," I admit.

"Well when it does just promise me you'll call one of us when it does," Adam insists.

"Yeah I will."

(CLARE)

"Hey I brought some lunch," Adam says coming into the loft.

"I'm not hungry," I reply without looking up.

"Well too bad because you're eating," Adam asserts setting a to-go container in front of me. I force myself to sit up and stir the fork through the Thai food. "You know you have other options," Adam says and I nod. We eat in silence and he watches mindless TV with me. "Have you been back to your office?" Adam asks.

"I don't need to go in I can work remotely. I sent in an article last week," I tell him.

"Have you worked on anything today?" He questions and I shake my head. "Maybe you should write about your experiences, it might be good for you," Adam suggests.

"I don't think I can do that yet," I shake my head.

Adam doesn't say anything else just sits with me until Drew gets home from work. Drew comes in and kisses me, he looks at his brother and they disappear into the back for a few minutes. When they come back Adam hugs me goodbye and I tell him to say hi to Paige.

"How was work?" I ask Drew.

"It was good, it doesn't look like you've gotten off the sofa," Drew comments and I curl up and start crying. He comes over kneeling down and taking my hands in his. "I'm sorry I didn't mean that to sound…I just…I love you," he stumbles over his words and I shake my head.

"I just couldn't seem to get up what's the point? I know I still have you and I should be focusing on us but I can't get over the fact that we'll never have kids. We lost Ezra for reasons no one could explain and now my body that's already betrayed me to cancer twice can't carry a baby. My body failed me again and we'll never have a baby that's a piece of us again. I knew we'd never have Ezra again but another baby we made still would have been a piece of each of us."

"We have options, they said your eggs were viable there's surrogacy," Drew tries telling me picking up the pamphlet. I sit up ripping it from his hand and tossing it to the ground.

"Have you even looked at that? Have you any idea how much that costs? We're hardly surviving as it is we're borrowing from your parents I've barely been back to work and you're a part time teacher we don't have that kind of money and even if we did I don't think I could hand another woman carrying our child. We'll never be approved for fostering or adoption agencies in the US or Canada. We don't have options, we're never going to have kids because I'm not good enough and don't tell me that's not it! I had cancer twice and it destroyed my system so it is me and we both know it and I need time to cope with all of that before I can get off the sofa," I snap at him and storm into the bedroom collapsing on the bed in tears.

I'm not angry at Drew, I love Drew and he's been incredible but I feel like I'm going crazy. It's been one thing after another and I'm not sure I've fully processed anything and this is just one more thing. In the clinic while I was sick it was just concentrating on surviving every day, getting through the next treatment, the next therapy and hoping I would live to get out.

I cry for a while and then gather myself before going back out to the living room. Drew is in the kitchen making dinner; I grip his shirt and turn him around. I wrap my arms around his waist and put my head on his chest. He sets down the wooden spoon and puts his arms around me.

"I'm sorry, I know I've been a mess I don't deserve you and I'm not angry at you. I don't mean to be taking it out on you. You've been amazing, I'm not angry at you," I apologize.

"I know and considering everything we've been through I think we're doing pretty well. Maybe we need to not think about kids right now and just concentrate on getting our lives back together. You're right I am only working part time and so are you. I can take some tutoring work and you can get back to writing full time, when you're ready. If you need a few days or weeks to cope with not being able to have kids of our own then take that time, whatever you need. Clare you've been through so much, we both have and I can only imagine how you're feeling, being betrayed by your body that way. It's not your fault though, it's your body but you had no control. With everything else you're feeling the last thing I want you to do is shoulder blame that isn't yours to shoulder. Let's get our lives together again, in a few months we'll have babies around when Paige and Adam have their twins. I'll look into tutoring work tomorrow and you figure out what you need to cope with everything or to begin even processing it. Maybe we can get away the weekend of your birthday? Nothing extravagant just a weekend away somewhere just the two of us."

"That would be nice," I nod.

"Dinner's almost ready and you need to eat," Drew says kissing my forehead.

"I'll set the table," I nod stealing my husband's lips for a kiss.

Okay we are down to the last chapter of this, there might be two more chapters but next chapter is probably the last. And next chapter will most likely start with Paige having her twins.