Wrote this awhile ago and forgot to post it. Requested by a friend.

Definitely crack as hell, slightly tasteful filth flarn filth, MCU TonyxUltron (for extra fun, this is beefed up Ultron), some consensual bleeding, it's honestly kind of weird like you'd expect so maybe, uh, weirdness warning? I have no idea.

Vibranium was something else.

Tony had curiously (and covertly) felt up Cap's shield more times than he would ever admit. The metal was cool and smooth under his fingertips. Something about touching it helped him breathe. And what a history the shield had. What secrets.

He found, however, that when Vibranium felt him up, it was an entirely different feeling. Especially when it was huge, glowing and sentient.

There was no use closing his eyes, he could still feel those red optics boring into him. And if he felt small around the team, underneath Ultron he felt... just so tiny.

It was impossible to relax. Or stay hard.

Ultron blinked once and tilted that ridiculous head of his. "Would it help if I called you Daddy?"

Tony's eyeballs looked like they were going to shoot out of his head.

"Son of a—Okay, that? That's what I meant when I said not to make this weird."

A dark, static chuckle vibrated Ultron's vocalizer. Tony's face was red as a tomato and he had a look like I dare you to point out that your giant metal fingers are up my ass right now, junior.

The AI moved to lie beside Stark, rather than continue hovering over him. After a moment of consideration he carefully removed his fingers, and with a parting stroke he took his hand away from Tony's backside completely.

Too embarrassed to protest, Tony only made a face at him. Ultron was quick to give him an explanation, though he knew it was obvious.

"You're tense."

"Ya think? I've never done this before." Well. Either a lie or the truth depending on what exactly "this" was.

"Neither have I," Ultron said, and somewhere in Tony's head a galaxy came to an end.

What was he doing? Had he lost his mind? How did they even get to this point—when did he lose his shit enough that fucking his robot was something he agreed to? What would Banner say? Cap would probably faint. Natasha would hate him more. Hawkeye would say what he always said: "You're messed up, Stark." The only person who would only shrug would be Thor. He'd probably slept with two-headed mermaids or something, so this wasn't as weird.

But Fury. Oh, no.

His temples were already throbbing.

"Friday, lights please."

Ultron watched Tony calmly as he seemed to be having his third crisis that evening.

For a split second, Stark had the mental capacity to appreciate that Ultron was at least being patient with him. But it was swiftly booted from his head in favor of Don't Out-Virgin The Robot.

"No, let's keep going."

Ultron snorted in static and looked up at the ceiling. "Friday, how fast is Stark's heart going right now?"

"A rate of 130BPM. Mr. Stark appears to be on the verge of an panic attack. His core temperature is dropping and I detect— ."

Tony sat up, outraged. "Why are you answering to—Did you hack her?"

And of course the AI was just smiling with his stupid fucking... stupid face and Stark threw himself back onto a pillow, pressing a palm into an eye.

After a moment, a giant metal hand pulled Tony's arm away, and Ultron was back to screwing him with his optics.

"Tell me what you want."

"Uh."

Ultron's head tilted again. Tony felt like he was going to pass out from blushing so bad.

"Remember the, uh, the first time? In the—"

"Lab, yeah," Ultron murmured before nudging Tony's jaw out of the way and closing in on his neck.

Stark could only hold on when sharp, hot dental plates scraped his skin.

This robot wasn't the type to politely take samples, you see. He carved Stark everywhere he could without severing an artery. His sensors lit up with readings and he couldn't resist groaning in excitement.

And just like their first mistake time in the lab, Tony was pitifully (and visibly) turned on.

"Fuck," Tony was already going cross-eyed.

"Hmm?" Ultron teased while his processor tore apart his father's DNA.

"Fuck me, quick. Friday, lights!"

"Yes, sir."

"Yes, Daddy."

"Stop tha-oh, fuck, shit!"

After some time, Tony emerged from the daze and saw just how much Ultron had made his neck bleed.

"Ow. Seriously?" Even water stung the wounds, pink as it washed down the drain. "I can't have the same excuse as last time, it freaked them out. They thought I was on meth."

"I can still fuck you stupid in rehab, so let them think what they want."

Stark's head appeared in the bathroom doorway with a scowl.

"Just wear a scarf, old man," Ultron said with an eye-roll.

Ugh. Brat. Tony tightened his robe as he returned with a towel held to his neck. "Wait... How would you do me in rehab?"

"I could give you a replay." Smug didn't even do Ultron justice. He transcended smugness.

"Don't act so smooth, that was your first time."

"How do you know?"

"Uh, hello? You said you'd never done it before."

"With a human."

Tony almost choked, but quickly regained and waved a hand. "Okay, robo-masturbating to the blue fairy in Pinocchio doesnt count—Kidding, kidding, ow!"

Ultron let go of the fistful of hair he'd nonverbally threatened to rip out. Tony would learn eventually that Pinocchio jokes were never well received by the temperamental AI.

Rubbing his head and pouting, Tony scooted a few feet away from the other. The gears turning in his head were practically visible with the face he was making. Okay, he really needed to know though.

"... Who the hell else have you messed around with, you're like. Brand new. Was it Thor?"

Ultron laughed and Tony suddenly looked frightened.

"Please don't tell me you somehow hooked up with his brother—I mean, look—He's Loki, everyone has kinda thought about it at one point, the guy's like a blowjob that came to life—Wait, shit. You didn't knock him up, did you? Thor said he got pregnant once and he—"

Ultron put a whole hand over Tony's face and waited until he shut up.

"Stark. You're exhausted."

Tony scrambled to get that hand off of him. "Come on, tell me."

Ultron finally rose, thankful for the high ceiling.

"Sleep. I'm sure it'll come to you in a dream."

For all his smarts, Tony Stark had the stupidest expression on his face. It was nearly an hour after Ultron left when he shot up straight in bed.

A dream.

A Vision.

Seriously?