San-Li woke up in a tangle of blankets with a familiar weight on her hip. Ever since Sam left angry, Keiko had learned how to climb out of her crib and would sneak into San-Li's bed where she would sleep soundly for the rest of the night. San-Li didn't have the heart to put her back in the crib.
Keiko made a small noise and when San-Li opened her eyes she saw that she was already awake. She ran her fingers through her soft, downy hair and Keiko smiled, her pacifier falling out of her mouth.
"You're up pretty early aren't you?" San-Li pulled her up to sit on her stomach. "You want some yummy oatmeal?"
"Juice- juice?"
"It's kinda early for juice. How about some milk instead? Miruku."
"Juice!" Keiko flailed her arms and started chanting. "Juice! Juice! Juice! Juice!"
San-Li rolled her eyes and glanced at the clock. 10:23? That's weird. Alex was usually up pestering her for breakfast well before then. And that was when she smelled it. The sweet aroma of french toast mingling with the savory scent of cooking meat.
"Hey, I think auntie Fina's here." San-Li gathered Keiko in her arms and got out of bed. "Let's get your brother and say hi."
"Juice!"
But when San-Li went into the twins' room, she saw that Sammy's crib was empty. Quelling down her initial wave of panic she headed into the kitchen and stopped dead in her tracks.
Sam was in the kitchen cooking scrambled eggs, french toast and sausages. Alex was already happily working on a full plate while Sammy munched on a plate of scrambled eggs.
"And its not the financial aid or the scheduling that's the problem." Sam was saying to Alex. "It's convincing the academic chair that I'm fully capable of taking both the introductory courses and the advanced courses in the same semester."
"DADDY!" Keiko nearly leapt out of San-Li's arms. "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!"
Sam turned towards them and grinned. "There you two are. We were wondering when you would get out of bed."
San-Li stood motionless from sheer surprise as Sam took Keiko from her and gave her a peck on the lips. His lips were as soft and gentle as she remembered them being.
"Um, what are you doing here?" She asked before she could stop herself.
"Technically this is my apartment remember?" Sam chuckled playfully and went back to the stove.
San-Li frowned and folded her arms. "Well sorry for taking over. Did you want me to move out?"
"San-Li, I was joking." Sam sighed and put Keiko in her high chair with her own plate of eggs. "You want some breakfast? French toast is still your favorite right?"
She started to shake her head but Alex gave her a look and San-Li sighed in defeat. "Sure."
She went over to sit in between her kids. Sam gave her another smile and went back to cooking. Sammy grabbed a handful of eggs and offered it to her. San-Li couldn't help but chuckle and eat it out of his chubby little hand which of course made Keiko want to feed her too. She had to admit she was pretty hungry and the food smelled amazing.
San-Li studied Sam as he fixed a plate for her. He looked really good. There were new angles in his face that she never really noticed before and he had air of confidence about him. A small smile tugged at her lips but something nagged her at the back of her mind.
"So," Sam set down a plate in front her and sat across from her. "I saw your YouTube channel. It's really cool."
San-Li blinked. "How did you find out about that?"
"I surfed the internet." Sam grabbed a napkin and wiped Sammy's face. "I'm sorry I can't be here more often, but I want you to know that I do think about you a lot."
San-Li didn't say anything and ate a mouthful of french toast. What was she supposed to say to that? The first few months Sam was gone she cried herself to sleep nearly every night. But by the time a year went by, San-Li was too busy to cry. And now? She honestly used her YouTube channel to distract herself from missing Sam. But honestly? With him right here in front of her... she wasn't sure how she felt.
"San-Li," Sam voice broke into her thoughts. "Did you hear what I just said?"
"Um, sorry no." San-Li shook her head. "What were you saying?"
"I was saying that I really missed being with you." Sam smiled and laid his hand on top of hers. "And from now on I'm going to be here for you more often."
San-Li sighed and pulled her hand from under his. "You said so yourself, Sam. You get busy. The work load they give you is heavy and you're doing a lot."
"Then I'll cut back on my work." Sam said with a small shrug. "There are plenty of places and labs I can work that are closer here. You've made sacrifices for our family, why shouldn't I?"
Because you shouldn't have to. The words were ready at her tongue, but she didn't open her mouth. They had had this discussion before so she didn't feel the need to repeat it. Besides, something else was nagging her at the back of her mind.
She should be happy that Sam wanted to play a bigger part of their family, but she just... wasn't.
True to his word, Sam spent the entire day being loving and attentive to the twins, Alex, and especially her. He played with the twins, helped San-Li fix lunch, got the twins down for their nap, and even did the dishes after dinner. All and all Sam was the perfect boyfriend and father.
More perfect than San-Li ever deserved. Intelligent, kind hearted, considerate...
And just like that, San-Li realized what had been bothering her all day.
Of course Sam was being kind and considerate, that's who he was. Guilt ran though San-Li. It was her fault that she got pregnant in the first place. Sam was too nice of a person to not try and take care of her and their kids. But she bet anything that if Sam had a choice, they probably wouldn't have started a family until well into the future.
Or maybe... they wouldn't even be together at all. The thought killed San-Li but she couldn't deny it was true. Sam was too loyal and kind a person to abandon the girl he got pregnant. But then again, he was too smart to get someone pregnant.
So what if he was just making the best of things? What if Sam was just doing all this because he felt like he had to? And how did she feel? Was she just with Sam because he was such a great person?
San-Li was lost her thoughts as she sat in the living room with Sam. He was playing with the twins and Alex while asking her questions about her personal life. She chose to focus on answering those instead of the thoughts swirling in her head.
"Manic Media huh?" Sam laughed rolled the ball for Keiko to chase. "That definitely sounds like a company that you would have fun working for."
"Yep, they just hired me yesterday." San-Li smiled. "I start next Monday working in the music and entertainment department."
"I can take a break and be home that day if you want." Sam offered. "That way you won't have to worry about getting someone to watch the kids."
San-Li shrugged and watched as Sammy toddled over to Sam with another one of his toys and set it down near his father. He would then rush over to hide behind Alex, shyly peek out at Sam, and then bring him another toy.
"No thanks." San-Li said quietly. "I got it covered."
Their eyes met and Sam's smile turned down a little. San-Li quickly stood up and went to the kitchen for a soda. She leaned against the fridge and continued to watch Sam play with the kids. Keiko could barely contain her excitement and even Sammy was warming up to him. He hadn't even noticed her leave the room and usually he'd be crying at the top of his lungs if she left his sight. But that definitely wasn't the case as he giggled and tugged on Sam's hair.
Alex looked up to see her standing in the kitchen and came over to her. He huffed angrily and folded his arms.
"I know I'm a total bitch, alright?" San-Li mumbled and cringed. "Um, you're not supposed to know that word for another twenty years, but you get what I mean."
Alex merely blinked and continued to frown at her. He was clearly annoyed with how she was acting and to be honest, so was she. She didn't even fully understand why she wasn't happy. Sam was doing exactly what she always wished he'd do.
"Hey San-Li," Sam called from the living room. "I just finished changing them, but they're starting to fuss."
"That means its bed time." San-Li finished her soda and came back into the living room. "I'm surprised they lasted this long. Alex get the blankets and pillows please."
While Alex went into the twins' room, San-Li went into the closet and got out her violin case. She sat down on the couch and started to tune it. Sam watched her with a small smile and the twins started to become more and more fussy.
"Jusu." Keiko muttered rubbing her eyes.
"No jusu. Nemuidesu jikan." San-Li said with a small smile.
"Nemuidesu." Sammy mumbled sleepily.
"Jusu and nemuidesu means juice and sleep in Japanese right?" Sam smiled. "It's cool that you're teaching them Japanese so early. It'll be good for them to be familiar with their inherited culture."
San-Li felt her stomach both flutter and clench at his loving gaze. She went back to tuning her violin, finishing just as Alex came back with the pillows and blankets. Alex dumped them in a heap in the middle of the living room. Keiko and Sammy nestled on the floor and looked at San-Li expectantly through half lidded eyes. San-Li slid down to the floor with them and started to play.
The melody was soothing and the notes seemed to resonate through her soul. The music calmed her just as must as it calmed her children. They nestled themselves deeper into the blankets and pillows, keeping close to Sam, and slowly drifted off to sleep. Even Alex, laying on the couch behind her, closed his eyes and began to doze off.
By the time she finished playing everyone but her and Sam were fast asleep. With a nod from San-Li, Sam gently scooped Keiko up in his arms. San-Li scooped up Sammy and they both went into the twins room to lay them down. Sam lingered over their cribs for a long while and San-Li took the opportunity to slip into her room and change into her night clothes.
What was she supposed to do? Make love with Sam, pretend nothing was wrong, and repeat the same process over and over again? There were too many mixed emotions inside of her. She should be elated that Sam wanted to be part of their lives, but for some reason she wasn't. She just felt anxiety at the thought of Sam being home all the time. Looking at her with adoring eyes and a loving smile.
The bed sank down making San-Li jump. Sam laid next to her and looked at her with a confused and worried expression on his face. She hadn't even heard him come into the room.
"San-Li are you okay?" He said softly. "You've been acting weird all day. Did I do something to upset you?"
"No." San-Li shook her head. "You've been perfect. I have absolutely no reason to be upset with you."
But warm tears slid down her face and Sam's eyes widened in fear.
"Hey, you're crying!" He reached out to cup her face. "San-Li, what is it? What aren't you telling me?"
"Sam," San-Li sat up and looked at him. "If I never gotten pregnant, do you think we'd still be together?"
Sam blinked in surprise, but smiled at her. "Of course we would be, you know that."
"Actually, I'm not so sure." San-Li sighed and found at she couldn't look at him. "Sam... I'm not sure... how... how I feel about you anymore."
Sam jerked her face up, almost roughly, to look at him and San-Li could see shock and pain in his expression. For a brief second San-Li was tempted to take it all back, but she knew she couldn't. Or didn't want to.
"What?" Sam said, his voice thick with emotion. "What did you say?"
San-Li licked her dry lips and forced herself to voice the fear she had been holding inside this entire time.
"Sam... I'm not sure if I'm in love with you anymore."
The words had barely left her lips before Sam's mouth came crashing down on hers. She could feel both the pain and the longing and the even the anger behind his kiss. Part of her wanted to accept it... but she push him away instead.
"Don't say that!" He cried, grabbing her shoulders. "Of course you love me and I love you!"
"We don't know that!" San-Li felt more tears slide down her face. "Everything happened so fast between us and the next thing we knew, we had a family. Neither of us had time to decide whether or not this was what we wanted."
"That doesn't matter now." Sam gave her shoulders a gentle shake. "We've been though too much to have doubts now. I don't!"
"Well I do." San-Li took a deep breath and forced herself to look him in the eyes. "I think we need to take a break."
Twenty three. That was how many parenting books Sam had read before driving up to be with San-Li and the kids. And he had read seven relationship books for help on how to fix his relationship with San-Li.
Preparation breeds success. It had always been one of Sam's favorite quotes and at first it seemed to work. Keiko adored him, Sammy no longer acted so standoffish towards him, and even Alex kept giving him looks of approval.
Which was why part of him couldn't believe what was happening right now. It felt like the air had been sucked out of his lungs and a vice tightened around his heart.
"What?" He whispered. "What did you just say?"
"You heard me, Sam." San-Li drew her knees up to her chest and rested her head on her knees. "I need some time to think. I don't mean to hurt you but-"
"Then why are you doing this?" Sam could feel himself start to shake. "Tell me what's really going on. We can work this out. We always work things out."
"And this is how we do that."
He looked at San-Li to see if she was speaking out of anger. Anger he could work with. San-Li could be angry with him twenty times over but he always found a way to calm her down. But even though there were tears sliding down her face, San-Li didn't seem angry, just sad.
"I- I don't understand." Sam dropped his hands from her shoulders. "If, if there's someone else-"
"There's no one else, Sam."
"-then you can have him." Sam felt his fist tighten, but he continued. "If there's some guy that you want to date or... sleep with then... I don't need to know, but I won't ask questions. I won't get mad, just please." Sam forced himself to reign in his emotions. "I don't want us to end."
"I don't either, but I need time to think." San-Li closed her eyes. "You were first guy to make me feel anything and the next thing I knew, I was pregnant with your children. I never had time to think if this was what I wanted and neither did you."
"I want you." Sam insisted. "I want you and Keiko and Sammy and Alex."
San-Li groaned and rubbed her forehead. "I'm not talking about us as a family unit. I'm talking about me and you. If the twins and Alex never existed, would we still be together? That's why I need time to think. If we're going to be together I need to know its because I love you wholeheartedly, not because I didn't feel like I had any choice."
Sam reached out to touch her, but his hand fell to his side. They were sitting side by side on the bed but it felt like there were miles between them. Sam didn't need time to think or figure things out. He loved San-Li and he knew she loved him too. She just had to.
"You have less than three years left at MIT." San-Li said gently. "You're already so busy that you can barely be here. Just give me that long and when you come back for good, we can figure out clearly if we're meant to be together or not. In the mean time, I won't stop you from seeing the kids, but I need time to think."
Three years? Might as well be ten. Sam knew it wasn't just the kids he wanted to be with, it was San-Li too. But he could tell by looking at her that she had made her decision. And she was so stubborn that no amount of arguing could sway her. All Sam could do was hope that she would make the right decision and realize that she loved him. But that didn't mean he wouldn't try to win her over.
Sam reached out and slowly cupped her cheek, turning her to face him. He leaned forward and gently pressed his lips against hers.
"I know you're only saying this because you're scared." Sam whispered against her lips. "But I'll respect your wishes for now."
San-Li closed her eyes and a tear slid down her cheek. "Thank you."
Sam felt tears run down his own face as he got up from the bed. He grabbed a blanket from the closet and headed towards the door.
"But San-Li," He turned his head to look at her. "No matter what, I want you to know that I love you and I'm not going to stop chasing you until you realize you love me too."
San-Li mouth fell open in surprise but Sam left to sleep in the living room without another word.