"What's the cheesy title this time?" Lena asked Stef, hoping to break the ice a bit. It was Saturday again, and they had survived to make it to chapter two.
"'Grounded in Happiness.' Well, that's interesting. If we were happy we wouldn't be reading this book. 'Where are you?'"
"I'm with you in our bedroom - why are you asking me that?" Lena was confused.
"I'm not asking you - the book is. That's the first sentence of chapter two," Stef answered.
"Oh. What does it say next?"
Stef read aloud: "'We want you to conduct the exercises in this book in a place that makes you both happy. We believe the positive associations with a happy place will help you stay grounded in the things that made you want to be together in the first place. The caveat is that place can't be your bedroom. We would venture to guess that even if this is a place you have shared many happy memories it is also a place you have experienced conflict."
"True enough," Lena had to admit. "So where should we go?"
Stef thought for a moment. Where was a place that she and Lena had only ever been happy?
"I've got it. Come with me." Muscle memory, not yet overwritten with their current emotional distance, caused Stef to grab Lena's hand and lead her down the stairs and out the door.
It didn't take Lena long to figure out where they were driving. She couldn't help smiling as Stef parked the car in the lot of the beach that had been the site of a particularly happy night.
"I forgot a blanket. Is that okay?"
Lena remembered their first beach excursion, relaxing in the sand and people-watching. "Why start now?"
Stef grinned. At least this time she was wearing more sensible clothes.
They took off their shoes and walked toward the water, sitting down far enough away to avoid getting wet. Stef opened the book again.
"'It is our belief that if you had happiness together once, you can find it again. We are under no illusion that the giddiness of your early days can be recreated.'"
Stef paused, unable to stop herself from remembering what it had felt like that night she and Lena had walked along this beach, holding hands. It was the moment she finally knew for sure that Lena had feelings for her, and although it had terrified her into staying silent, it was the point of no return for them.
She looked at Lena, knowing she was thinking about the same thing. She had to admit this book was pretty savvy. It was hard to be mad at someone when you were surrounded by reminders of a happier time.
She continued, "'This book is about helping you build a mutually satisfying future, not about recreating the past. The exercises you will start with will encourage you to learn from your past in order to apply those lessons and create new, healthier patterns in the future.'"
"Is that necessary?" Lena asked. "How does rehashing the past help us deal with our problems in the present?"
"Trust the book - I'm assuming it knows better than we do how to fix our issues. What we've tried so far hasn't worked, so let's give it a chance. Unless you want to just yell at each other some more."
Lena tried not to roll her eyes. "Fine. What's the exercise?"
"We're supposed to tell each other what the things were that drew us to each other in the beginning. We have to go back and forth until we've each said at least five things. And we're supposed to maintain eye contact while we do it. Apparently, eye contact is very powerful."
Lena took a deep breath and let it out, but she didn't say anything.
"I guess I'll go first," Stef began. She took one of Lena's hands in hers and waited until the other woman made eye contact. "The first thing I remember being drawn to - other than your angelic beauty -" Here, Lena couldn't help smiling. "Was your openness. That you shared your pain with me. You were giving me the tour at Anchor Beach, and you told me about Gretchen, and all I wanted to do was make you feel better."
Lena looked down for a moment. "At the time, I was afraid I had come off as totally unprofessional."
"I can't help that you fell prey to my charm." Stef smirked.
"I suppose not," Lena smiled, then her expression sobered and she pulled her hand away from Stef's. "It's funny that the first thing I want to say that drew me to you is the thing we now fight about."
"What's that?" Stef asked.
"Your protectiveness. You didn't even know me, but you were mad on my behalf. And now I hold it against you." It was a revelation that startled Lena. How could something she loved about Stef have become such a wedge between them?
"Hey, let's not get into all that," Stef put her hand on Lena's knee. "How about I tell you another reason I fell for you?"
"Sure. Charm me some more, my bee charmer."
"You know, I always identified more with Idgie's personality, but when you think about it I'm a lot like Ruth."
Lena considered her favorite book. "You're right - leaving a marriage, having a son. Just don't die of cancer, please." She covered Stef's hand with her own.
"I'll do my best." Stef squeezed Lena's hand, then continued, "Your love of my son - now our son - is another thing that drew me to you. That night you stayed when Mike couldn't pick him up and I was late, I could see how genuinely you loved kids."
Lena looked down at their joined hands. "I have to confess, while I love kids, and I love Brandon in particular, I wouldn't have stayed for anyone else's kid."
She looked up at Stef, and for just a moment, it was as intense as those early days.
"That's sweet. Now tell me more things you like about me." Stef briefly touched Lena's cheek, then looked out at the ocean.
Lena turned as well, their shoulders almost touching. "I love your bravery, not just as a cop. That part still scares me to death. But you forged ahead and started a new life with me, even when things were difficult and you could have taken an easier path."
Stef let the memory of almost losing Lena before they even got started wash over her. "That's where you're wrong. The easy path was with you. Being with you felt so right - anything else wouldn't have fit. But I know what you're saying. I didn't feel all that brave at the time. For a minute I wasn't sure if I could do it."
Lena wasn't sure she wanted to ask her next question, but she did it anyway. "Did you ever regret it? Did you ever wish you'd have stuck with your normal life - husband, kid, all that?"
Stef continued to look straight ahead, but she quickly and quietly answered, "Never."
"How's self-directed therapy going?" Dana asked Tuesday evening.
Lena glanced around her office, which was right next door to that of the boss who had kissed her. She was alone, but this was not the place she wanted to have this conversation.
"Mom," she said, barely above a whisper. "I'm at work."
"So late? Are you hiding out and avoiding Stef? Work hardly seems like the appropriate place to do that, all things considered."
Leave it to her mother to get right to it. Lena didn't bother to deny any of it.
"It's going fine. We've managed to be pretty civil this week. We're doing chapter three tomorrow."
"That's good, honey. Stick with it."
"I will. Thanks for checking in. We're supposed to be writing things in a journal, but it's nice to talk with someone about this. Monte and I were friends before, well, you know, but clearly I can't talk to her about this. And it would feel funny to talk to Jenna or Kelly. I'm not sure I'd get the healthiest perspective."
"I want to help any way I can. I have an idea - why don't your father and I come down and stay with the kids for a weekend, and you and Stef can get away? We'll pay for it and everything."
Lena considered her mother's generous offer. "Thanks, Mom. I don't think we're quite ready for that. But maybe after a few more chapters we will be. I'll let you know."
"Okay," Dana agreed. "I suppose if you tried it too soon it might send you in the opposite direction. A couple of days alone together could do more harm than good if you're not in the right place."
Lena considered what might happen if she and Stef were confined with each other for two days. At best, it would be painfully awkward. At worst, they'd finally have the big blow-up they'd been dancing around, and they might never recover.
"Thanks for understanding. I'll talk to you again soon."
Stef knocked on Brandon's doorframe and walked in when he looked up from his computer.
"How was Idyllwild today? Any better?"
Brandon shrugged. "It's okay. I'm still not thrilled about composing rather than playing, but there are a couple of cool people who make it not suck."
"That's good."
Brandon looked a little uncomfortable, but he spoke up anyway. "So, how's everything with Mama? I know you guys are trying not to overshare, but an update would put everyone's minds at ease. Jude is still cleaning the bathroom every other day, and Mariana makes sure everyone's busy Saturday nights so we don't get in the way of your book thing."
Stef sighed and sat down on Brandon's bed. She didn't want to put any burdens on her kids, but she understood the need to keep the lines of communication open.
"It's going pretty well. We're still just getting started. The book is really into exploring the past before you get into your current stuff, so we haven't tackled anything major. But, you know, things definitely haven't gotten worse."
Brandon laughed, but there was a cynical note to it. "Well, that's a ringing endorsement if I've ever heard one."
"Just tell the others everything is on track - we're working hard, and we're trying to make things better." She hesitated, then continued. "I know you were young when your dad and I split and you may not remember much of it, but it was really hard on you in the beginning. I don't want you - or any of your siblings - to have to go through that."
Brandon nodded. "I understand why you and Dad didn't work out. Between his drinking and your being, well, gay, it would have been a nightmare if you tried to stay together. But it's different with Mama. And not just because we're older and there are more of us now."
"I know," Stef agreed. "I'm fighting as hard as I can to make this work. For me, and for Lena and for you guys."
They were both silent for a moment. Then Stef stood up. "Well, that's enough adult drama for one night. Go back to whatever teenager stuff you were doing. I'll see you in the morning."
"Good night, Mom. I love you."
"I love you too, B."
After the seeming success of chapter two, Stef found herself looking forward to Saturday afternoon. Maybe this relationship work wasn't so bad. She and Lena could be back on track, and everything would be fine. They had even brought a picnic dinner this time, and though they hadn't talked much, things didn't feel nearly as tense as recent bouts of silence.
"All right, shall we get started on chapter three?" Lena asked.
"'Grounded in the Past.' Here we go. 'What can your past teach you? It can be instructive in what you want in the future, as well as what you don't want. This chapter will focus on your family of origin. What messages did you receive about intimate relationships? Why do we encourage you to go back this far? This is your true foundation - if you and your partner don't understand these building blocks about yourselves and each other you won't be able to merge your foundations successfully.'"
"That's the worst metaphor for sex I've ever heard," Lena commented.
"Hush. I don't think that's what they meant. Besides, we merge our foundations just fine." Stef gave an exaggerated leer.
"Just fine?" Lena raised an eyebrow.
"You know what I mean," Stef smirked. "'What were the patterns you learned from your parents? It is human nature to repeat them, as they are the strongest model you have.' Wow, then no wonder we're in trouble. My parents' example was terrible. They fought all the time, and they violated all the rules of this book."
"I knew their divorce was ugly, but we've never talked a lot about what it was like for you growing up. Are you okay talking about it now?" Lena held Stef's hand.
Stef appreciated the support. It had been decades ago, but she preferred not to dwell on it. "I'm fine. It was just the constancy of it that was so terrible. They didn't have a lot of screaming fights, but they were always sniping at each other. There were all these little digs - it was like they didn't like a single thing about each other. When they got divorced it was a relief."
Lena reassured Stef, "For what it's worth, you're nothing like your parents in that regard. You've never crossed a line with me in terms of the way we disagree. I may be pretty unhappy with some decisions you've made lately, but your words have always been kind, even when we weren't on the same page."
Stef exhaled a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding. "Thank you for that. I'd like to think even when things broke down with Mike I was able to forge a different path than my parents showed me. I was determined not to be anything like them. He and I mostly just drifted apart - the drama was around his drinking and its effects on Brandon. That was the only time we really fought." Stef paused for a moment, then asked, "What about your parents? They always seem so happy."
"They are. Or, at least, they seem to be. My mom alluded recently to the fact that things haven't always been perfect between them, but they were really good about not letting me see any of that."
Lena considered for a moment how her parents' example might be impacting her current situation. They made it look easy. But clearly, it wasn't. No marriage was - at least, not all of the time. So how did they get through their issues? Lena had no idea.
"In keeping their drama from me - which, by the way, is not a bad thing - I think they also kept from me an example of how to work through problems. I feel like I don't have many tools to deal with what you and I are going through. They modeled how to be a couple when things are going well, but they didn't show me even a glimpse of how to deal with problems."
"So what do the two of us do? Combined, we've seen wonderful and terrible, but we don't have anything in between." Suddenly, the seeming progress they had made melted away. So far they had just reminded themselves of a happier past, but they had yet to actually address their challenging present. And now they were discovering they might not have the tools to deal with their issues.
Lena tried to be positive. "We do our best to learn a new way. And, while we're at it, we model it for the kids so they don't end up in the same place as us someday."
"For what it's worth, I think we're doing a pretty good job of that so far." Stef hoped they were striking a healthy balance between openness and oversharing.
Lena considered the conversation she had overheard between the twins. "Well, maybe we could do a better job of communicating in front of the kids."
"Why do you say that?" Stef wasn't foolish enough to think she and Lena were very good at pretending things were fine, but it sounded like Lena was referencing something concrete.
"After week one, Mariana and Jesus picked up on our barbed attempts to practice our communication rules and discussed how weird things were." Lena sighed.
"You eavesdropped on the kids?" Stef raised her eyebrows, but she didn't sound all that surprised. It's not like she could judge stealthy behavior.
"It was an accident," Lena defended herself. "But it was helpful information. I think it would be good if we tried a little harder to act normal around them. Now that they know we're working on things, they're even more sensitive to everything we say and do around each other."
"I'll do my best."
"Me too. So, what else do we have to explore about our past?" Lena knew there was more to this chapter.
"Oh dear - we have to revisit our first romantic relationship to see what foundation it laid for our future ones." Stef's brow furrowed.
"Like, the first kid we ever 'went out with,' or our first serious relationship?" Lena wasn't sure what going that far back would teach them.
Stef scanned ahead. "It looks like all of them."
"Yikes. Okay, Marcus Anderson, here we come."
"Who the heck is Marcus Anderson?" Stef thought she knew Lena's complete dating history, but this name was new.
Lena smiled fondly. "He's the boy I kissed at the sixth grade dance. He turned out to be gay, too."
"I'm not sure that counts."
"You said all of them."
Stef braced herself. "All right, this should be intermittently amusing and awful."
Lena patted her knee and reassured her, "I bet we'll learn a lot - about ourselves and each other. There may be some problematic patterns from previous relationships we've brought into this one. Knowing that could help us break them and work on creating healthier ones."
That sounded pretty ambitious for one evening. But they were trusting this book to take them through the steps that would put them back on track. If this was one of them, so be it.
Stef and Lena were quiet as they walked back to the car, and the ride home was silent as well. While they hadn't spoken directly about their behavior in recent months, it was clear that Stef's desire to protect her family had manifested before, in leaving Mike to keep Brandon safe. She saw extreme action, taken alone, as a justifiable way to achieve her desired end.
Lena, for her part, saw a disturbing parallel between her relationships with Monte and with Stef. But with Monte, she was playing the role of Stef, a woman - and mother - who was unhappy in her relationship and became close to someone who lent a sympathetic ear.
Stef certainly saw a parallel between herself and Monte, whose name didn't come up but whose presence loomed large by the end of the conversation. Here was another woman, recently ending a marriage to a man, to whom Lena was clearly attracted. But this time it was Lena who was still married, and she couldn't claim the excuse Stef had years ago of being separated.
Both women realized what lay ahead of them - a reckoning for their actions in the recent past, and the need to determine whether or not they could change enough to salvage their future. Lena was getting antsy to dive into that phase, while Stef dreaded it.