Stef was standing in the surf, cooling her feet after her run, when Lena arrived for their usual Saturday session. Dropping her shoes next to Stef's, Lena joined her wife on the edge of the water.
"Hey," Stef greeted Lena with a smile. It was the first time she hadn't looked anxious on a Saturday afternoon since they had started the book.
Lena kissed her. "Hey yourself. Is it weird I missed you, even though we were apart for less than an hour?"
Stef's face lit up. Hearing Lena acknowledge how much she still cared about her meant the world to her. "Not at all. I almost ditched the run just to stay home and watch you garden or whatever it is you do on Saturdays."
"I imagine there will be something of a second honeymoon effect from recommitting, eh?"
"A second honeymoon? We never had the first one! Not when we moved in together, and not when we got married."
Lena laughed. "True. But you know what I mean. Think back to the first few months we were dating."
Stef did. She raised an eyebrow. "That kind of honeymoon, huh? Sounds great."
A slightly awkward silence followed. Affection and innuendo were safe, but both women knew restarting their sex life might be complicated.
"So, are you ready for today's chapter?" Stef asked, hoping her change of subject wasn't too clumsy.
"Definitely."
They sat down, and Stef opened the book. "'Blossoming into the Future.' I see what they did there - cute. 'We hope that the work you have done up to this point has laid a strong foundation for considering your future. You have explored your personal and collective history, as well as the source of your conflict. Hold this information in your mind as you go through the next exercise. We want you to consider what you would feel if your relationship were to end. Why look from this angle? It is one thing to admit you are unsatisfied with the current state of your relationship, but it is another to truly explore the consequences of ending it. This exercise can give you a sense of certainty around the decision you will ultimately make.'"
"Do we have to do this exercise?" Lena asked. "We've made our decision."
"I think we should do it," Stef answered, surprising them both. "This book has been really helpful so far, and if there's a benefit in this step I think we should take it."
"Fair enough. What are we supposed to do?"
"'First, imagine you will never see your partner again. Starting from this extreme will help you determine what level of relationship you desire with your partner - lover, friend, co-parent, none? Name the feelings you experience. Do you feel relieved? Bereft? Apathetic?'"
Stef stopped reading and looked at Lena. Bereft sounded pretty accurate. There really weren't words to describe how awful life without Lena would be. She acknowledged to herself that she had taken her wife for granted lately. She had done things her way and assumed Lena wouldn't have her own opinion about what should happen. She forgot she was one half of a partnership and that by joining her life with Lena's she gave up the right to make decisions that would seriously affect both of them without Lena's input. Almost losing Lena was definitely a wake-up call.
Lena imagined Stef being out of her life completely. She pictured herself turning to talk to someone who wasn't there, wanting to share things but being alone. It was like contemplating having her arm being cut off and continuing to try to pick things up. She didn't think she could ever get used to it. Why had she considered it in the first place? Frustration? Sadness? A need for change? Whatever she had wanted, it wasn't to never see Stef again.
"There aren't really words, are there?" Lena asked. "Devastated comes to mind. Shattered."
Stef appreciated hearing Lena's feelings. She wanted to be confident in Lena's decision, but there was a tiny part of her that still flinched internally, wondering if Lena would strike that blow.
"Absolutely. Wrecked, depressed, lost," Stef added. She picked up the book, wanting to move to the next instructions. Maybe she should have agreed to Lena's suggestion that they skip this exercise.
"'Now that you have considered your feelings, consider the practical repercussions of separating. Does the thought of breaking up your household fill you with a sense of hope and excitement, or does it cause you stress and sadness? What would life be like if your paths were to diverge? What opportunities would it bring? What obstacles would it create? We are not advocating for staying in an unhealthy relationship for practical reasons - we simply want you to consider the totality of your situation and not rely solely on your emotions for making your decision.'"
Lena smiled, which threw Stef. "My mom already painted me this picture, and it wasn't pretty."
Stef smiled tentatively. Knowing they weren't seriously considering separating made it possible to imagine without fear. She tried to see the light side of the exercise. "Can you see each of us trying to get the kids out the door in the morning with no backup? We'd be late every day."
"We'd already be broke, since we'd have to have separate residences, and then we'd likely lose our jobs due to tardiness."
"And can you see us trying to date someone new?" Stef's stomach turned at the thought, but there was something funny about it. "'Hi, I'd like to introduce you to my five teenage kids. Want to come over for dinner?'"
"'I'm sorry, I can't have dinner with you until a slot opens up in my schedule in three months.'" Lena laughed.
Stef sobered suddenly. "You'd be free half the time. Assuming we were trying to avoid each other, you'd be all alone in some apartment when the kids were with me. You remember when Brandon was with Mike on weekends. It left plenty of time for dating. It came with some awful other effects, but there was no shortage of free time."
"Right. Well, I think we've painted a bleak enough picture. Let's not continue to imagine awkward graduations and weddings and arguments about parenting. What's the next step? Stab yourself in the eyeball just to experience true pain?" Having made their decision, Lena wasn't interested in belaboring it.
Stef scanned the pages. "Let's move on to the 'how to improve your relationship should you choose to stay' section."
"Agreed. We know we want to be together. We just want being together to be better. Easier?" Lena looked to Stef to hear the word she would fill in that blank.
"Happier? Less tense?" Stef offered.
"Exactly. So how does the book say we should go about that?"
"We're supposed to describe what happiness would look like moving forward."
Both sat for a moment to contemplate. If they looked past their grief and the recent threats to their family, and if they considered the roots of their conflict as the book instructed them, what would a better state of affairs be?
Lena answered first, her tone gentle. "I wouldn't want to be shut out, the last to know."
Stef nodded. "The book says to phrase it in the positive. So, maybe something like me including you in making decisions?"
Lena appreciated Stef taking a stab at defining how her own behavior could change. "Exactly. I want us to be a team," she agreed. "And sometimes all I need is for you to listen."
Stef smiled. "I'm working on that. This book has really helped me remember how important it is."
Knowing constructive feedback was never easy to hear, Lena bit the bullet and asked for Stef's thoughts about her behavior.
Stef thought for a moment before responding. "I want to not feel judged immediately. Listen to what I have to say and why I'm saying it."
"I can do that - at least, I can try harder." Lena smiled.
"And sometimes I need space," Stef added. "I'm not always ready to talk about things. It's not that I'm trying to shut you out - it's that I need a minute to think things through."
"Fair enough. But if it looks like you're going to take action before we've talked about something, I reserve the right to push you to talk first."
Stef smiled ruefully. "I really took you for granted these past few months, maybe years. I didn't see how what I was doing was hurting you, hurting us. I put you last - I'm sorry for that."
Lena leaned over and kissed Stef. "We both made impulsive decisions that affected our family, and we both got caught up in other people instead of each other. So no more apologizing. We'll just both do our best to do things differently when problems arise in the future."
"And you know they will. Five teenagers - what were we thinking?" Stef laughed.
"They're pretty great teenagers, all things considered," Lena had seen worse behavior from the kids she encountered at Anchor Beach.
"So how do we train ourselves to do things differently?" Stef asked. "I get that we both want our relationship to be better, but it can't be that simple."
"What does the book say?" Lena asked.
Stef scanned for a moment. "It suggests we come up with a secret signal for letting each other know if we're falling back into old behaviors. It's meant more for things that happen in front of other people. I feel like we did a good job of keeping our disagreements private, but I suppose it might be a less accusatory way to call each other out, even when it's just us."
"Like a safe word?" Lena smirked.
Stef laughed. "Something like that. So if I start getting all secretive you're supposed to say, I don't know, 'porcupine chowder,' and that'll clue me in to talk to you about it?"
"That's not our safe word," Lena reminded Stef.
"I know it's not - using that in public would be creepy!"
"Also, porcupine chowder would make an awful safe word."
Stef insisted on choosing the activity for family night that week, and though she included the kids, she wouldn't tell Lena what the plan was.
"Why are we at the school?" Lena asked when they pulled up.
"All in good time," Stef promised. She pulled Lena ahead while the kids rummaged around in the back of the SUV.
When they approached the softball field, Lena finally peeked behind her to see the kids carrying bats and balls and gloves.
"Aw, you guys - we're playing softball?" Lena was touched they'd all agree to play her favorite sport. She knew Mariana and Callie were hardly into organized sports, and Jude was happier in front of a video game than on a field.
"How are we going to do this?" she asked. "Is the Brady Bunch coming to play against us, or are we all covering two positions?"
Jesus laughed. "We figured we could live without a catcher, and we can just rotate through as batters while everyone else plays in the field. We'll have enough to cover each base and have two outfielders."
"I call outfield!" Mariana shouted.
"Me too?" Callie sounded less confident in her choice. "Is that where I won't have to catch as many balls? Because I'm really not very good."
"Not yet," Lena replied. "Give it a few weeks, and I'll have all of you fielding grounders like pros."
The Adams Fosters laughed their way through two rotations of batters before it got too dark to play anymore.
"That was surprisingly fun," Jude commented. His experience with Connor and his dad at the batting cages had been less than inspiring.
"Yeah," Brandon agreed. "Nice homer, Mama."
"I've still got it," Lena bragged, slinging her arm around her son.
"Yeah, you do," Stef agreed with a waggle of her eyebrows and a slap on Lena's ass.
"Hey! Hands off the star player!" Mariana admonished.
"It's what athletes do," Stef defended herself. "Back me up, Jesus."
"I want to say yes, but not if it means you're going to touch Mama's butt again. Seriously, you guys are gross."
Lena laughed, feeling happier than she had in a very long time.