AN: Thanks as always for reading and reviewing! Warning: This chapter includes an amputation.
"Without a Heart"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 5
"Leia . . ."
The last embrace with her swirled around in his head. Why hadn't he kissed her goodbye? Why hadn't he told her he loved her one last time?
"Leia . . ."
And why was he repeating her name?
"Leia . . ."
He closed his eyes, seeing her beautiful aged face behind his eyelids, the face he would probably never see again.
Damn, why the hell didn't he kiss her goodbye?
"Leia . . ."
What would she think of his new situation? Would the sound drive her crazy too?
In, out, in, out, in, out . . .
Yes, it probably would. Of course, unlike Han, she wouldn't have to hear it every damn moment of every damn day. She could just walk away from the sound if she wanted to.
What a luxury.
And could he still hug her if he ever saw her again, or would the device in his chest get in the way of that? Maybe hugging him would accidentally turn his artificial heart off.
Why the hell didn't he kiss her goodbye?
"Leia . . . princess . . . sweetheart . . . I know you can't hear me. You probably couldn't hear me even if the dark side weren't blockin' your Force senses or whatever's goin' on here." He felt silly talking to empty air, which hopefully meant he hadn't lost his mind yet. Still, it was giving him a strange sort of comfort. "I ain't dead, but I'm in hell anyway. Maybe it's best that you think I'm dead . . . if you came to rescue me Ben might kill both his parents."
In, out, in, out, in, out . . .
"Leia, this new Vader breath I've got is drivin' me crazy." His cracked lips slowly formed a small grin. "Look at me, I'm talkin' to you when you ain't here. I'm probably gonna snap sooner or later – if our son doesn't kill me first." He opened his eyes, blinking up at the ceiling that didn't even have any cracks he could count. "Ben's kept me strapped down ever since before I woke up here. I'm stiff, I'm in pain, I got itches I can't scratch, my body's probably gonna be useless if this nightmare ever ends. You owe me a lot of pampering if I ever get home."
If he ever got home.
But how could he ever get home?
"I hope you're doin' okay." Now he wondered what Leia would think of his new raspy voice. "Maybe after I go insane I'll be lucky enough to hallucinate about you." He closed his eyes again, the stupid sound still drilling in his ears. "Guess I'll take a nap – there ain't much else to do here. Hope I dream about you, sweetheart. Maybe Ben'll come visit and I can try again with him. I ain't givin' up on him, Leia." He leaned his head as far back into the pillow as his neck tube would allow. "Love you, honey, but you know that."
. . .
"Starkiller Base destroyed several key systems and left our defenses heavily crippled," Pooja was saying as she pointed around a small hologram of the galaxy. "Although you destroyed Starkiller Base, we can't assume the First Order doesn't have something else."
"Of course," said Leia. "I remember how the Empire had a second Death Star waiting for us."
"If we could find Supreme Leader Snoke's location," said Pooja, "we just might have a chance of capturing him before whatever sort of Plan B the First Order has goes into effect, but that will take plenty of arms – arms we might not have anymore."
"Never underestimate the power of a few determined fighters," said Leia. "My troops are ready to do whatever it takes to bring the First Order down."
"I know," said Pooja, "but that doesn't change the fact that we're crippled. We're going to have to act quickly if the Republic is to survive." She turned her attention to Luke. "And we'll need the Jedi's help."
Luke gulped. "I'm willing to help, Chancellor, but . . ."
"But what?" Pooja pressed.
Luke gazed downwards. "I offer my services, but if you're asking me to rebuild the Jedi, my answer is no. No one else is going to suffer the fate of my father and nephew because of me."
"So you're not going to train me at all?" Rey exclaimed.
Luke looked at her with sad, regretful eyes. "My family is cursed. I showed my nephew the power of the Force and he used it for evil. All the death and destruction that followed is my fault. Don't ask me to risk that again."
Rey felt her eyes bulge. "I would never turn to the dark side!"
"That's what they always think at first," said Luke. "You don't understand how strong the dark side is, how easy it is to fall . . . no, don't ask me to do it."
Rey took a deep breath, concentrating on keeping her voice steady even though she felt like her heart had dropped out of her body. "Luke, Kylo Ren murdered Han. I've faced him once and I'll probably face him again. I need to be prepared for that."
Luke only gazed at her for several moments before Pooja cleared her throat.
"Um . . . speaking of which," the chancellor said, taking a deep breath and glancing uneasily at Leia, "Leia, you know Kylo Ren must be taken into custody if we get the opportunity, right?"
Leia nodded in a firm manner. "Yes, he must."
Pooja raised an eyebrow. "You agree just like that? I thought his mother would put up more of an argument."
Leia let out a long sigh, gazing down at Pooja's desk. "A little while back I would have . . . but then he killed his own father." Her hands were trembling slightly even as her eyebrows lowered. "My son is gone."
. . .
"Han, I'm sorry . . . but I can't do this."
"Leia, c'mon, it's still me. I've just got this machine in me."
"Yes, and that's the problem. I can't take that sound anymore, Han. Every time I hear that breathing I'm taken back to Vader's cell."
"No, you can't mean this."
"I'm sorry. I don't want to see you again."
"Another nightmare, Han Solo?"
Han opened his eyes and once again there was Ben, gazing down at his father with a relishing look on his face.
"What, did the Force tell you that?" Han croaked out.
"I can sense all your fear, Han Solo." Ben was grinning again, that Palpatine-esque grin, not the cheerful grin Han's little boy once had. "You have so much fear."
"Yeah, I do. I'm afraid for my son. My son's made some pretty bad choices in his life, but there's still time to turn things around."
Ben's grin automatically vanished, replaced with a scowl. "Poor, naïve Han Solo, still in so much denial."
Han slightly shook his head. "No . . . no, you're the one in denial, son. You keep wantin' to deny the good in you, you wanna deny that Ben's still in there."
"Good, evil," Ben spat. "Those words mean nothing – just like how you mean nothing."
Han turned his head ever-so-slightly towards his son. "Yeah? Well if I mean nothing, then why do you keep comin' here?"
For a moment Ben actually appeared taken aback, but a growl quickly covered it up.
"Is it cause you want my fear?" Han continued. "Do you need to come torture me to make yourself feel strong?"
Suddenly Ben's fingers were on the tube in Han's neck. "I can pull this out, Han Solo. Pull it out and let you suffocate."
"But you won't," said Han. "Cause you got orders not to. That's all your life is – followin' Snoke's orders. Is that really what you want?"
"Snoke is a great leader!"
"Snoke's usin' you!" How Han wished he could raise his voice, but then again, Ben hadn't listened even when Han's voice wasn't just a rasp. All this was probably pointless, but Han had always been stubborn.
"You don't know anything!" Ben snarled.
"Yeah?" said Han. "How do you know I don't know anything?"
Now Ben's hand slowly moved from Han's neck tube to his forehead. "You forget, Han Solo, that you can't keep any secrets from me."
All of a sudden the pain was back, the throbbing, pressing pain that shook his body against the restraints and drew soft, raspy screams from his mouth.
But this time Han was ready for it. He squeezed his eyes shut and through the pain he found a memory. Sitting on the foot of his wife's hospital bed, holding his newborn son for the first time, gazing down into his little eyes, unable to keep tears from flowing and not caring, whispering his first words to his son.
"I love you, Ben."
The pain was rushing through his body, down his chest, his stomach, his legs, but Ben was grunting, as if he were struggling to keep his hold on Han's mind.
Maybe it was working.
Han filled his head with more memories. Ben trying on his father's vest and pretending to pilot the Falcon. Ben playing with the wrapping paper from his first birthday party. Leia and Ben lounging on the sofa together after one of Leia's long days at work. Teaching Ben to swim in the pool at their apartment building. Ben taking his first steps. Ben showing off a drawing of his family. Ben riding on Chewie's back.
Come on, Ben, he thought ferociously, remember.
Remember, son.
The family who still loves you.
Remember . . .
Suddenly there was a blood-curdling yell and the pain abruptly ceased. Han opened his eyes, hoping to see some bit of his son, but instead there was Ben snarling like a wild animal. Within a moment he drew his lightsaber so fast that it almost seemed to appear out of nowhere.
And in another moment, he screamed again and sliced the blade through Han's wrist.
Pain shot up Han's arm as he cried out in his tiny rasp and Ben picked up his severed left hand, dangling it from his fingers like a dead animal.
"Did you think it was an idle threat?" Ben snarled. "Did you?" He waved the hand over his father's face, causing something to crawl up Han's throat. "Keep this up and you will end up in a full suit just like my grandfather! Not that it matters, since you'll be dead soon anyway!" After spitting on the hand, he dropped it on the machine in Han's chest and stormed out of the room.
Dizziness swirled through Han's head as he stared at his hand – his hand . . . no longer attached to his body . . . severed and discarded . . . his hand was gone.
Still the sound droned on, preventing him from panting or gasping or anything, but the dizziness still overcame him, sending him swirling into darkness.
He fainted.
AN: Daaaaamn, I'm sorry, I really didn't want to do that to Han, but once Kylo had threatened it, the story just said he would make good on his threat. Trust me, I didn't enjoy writing it.