L was watching the news, a young woman was being interviewed in response to witnessing a suspicious death:
"It was terrifying", she cried, "My husband just grabbed his willy and wanked so ferociously that it came off in his hand. He didn't stop there, though. He fisted his newly formed penis hole. Oh god, I knew I shouldn't have worn that thong"
L switched off the television. What was making men across the country wank so ferociously? Was there a conspiracy here? Were the C.I.A projecting erotic images into the minds of our civilians' penises? Who knew.
He ate a whole fuckin chocolate cake and then called up the Japanese police. "I would like to set up a task force with some of your members" 'lol members' L thought.
Elsewhere, Misa Amane was writing names in her Wank Note, trying desperately to please Kira, her senpai. Misa does not have a penis. She experiments with many different sexy bodily fluids to write with and settled on nipple juice. Misa squeezed her nip-nips and watched as the lactation splattered onto the wank note. "This will please my senpai" she said, cackling. Rem watched intently. She had the horn.
"If Shinigami have one wank note each, how did you have one to give to me?" Misa asked.
"Because I robbed a nigger's grave", said Rem
"But I thought shinigami couldn't die?" Questioned Misa.
"There was once a shinigami named jealous", Rem began, sitting beside Misa, "his penis of death had been tingling for a while now over a blonde slut with pigtails that reminded him of little kids so his sexuality was confused and vaguely pedophilic…"
Misa stared, confused. "Yes?"
"But he could not appease himself, for a shinigami's fluids must never be spilled for wanting to fuck a human", Rem continued, "Except one day the blonde slut was about to be stabbed in an alleyway, so Jealous was like 'ooooh kinky' and fapped to death"
"Wow", said Misa, grabbing her boobs in shock, "I always thought it was rain spilling onto my face that day, turns out it was a Shinigami's milkshake"
"Jealous wanted to fuck you so bad that he died and that is why you have this wank note"
"Rem, dont bust a nut over me, okay?" Misa giggled
"I have remained abstinant for many years, misa, even your perky tits like apple pie cant make me masturbate"