Chapter 15: Time to Think

Bella's POV

My mother had given me something to think about. One little sentence really made me reevaluate the meaning of love and what I was willing to give up for it. I needed to know I was making the right decision. I needed to make sure that there would be no regrets. I was away for months trying to use logic to make a decision that can only be made by my heart. My heart was missing both of them both, Edward and Jacob. So I sat making small talk with Esme while I prepared to make peace with someone my heart desperately missed, Edward. It was hell forcing myself to be away from him but I knew he would understand. He was so patient and kind, I was sure that he missed me too.

"So you all played baseball?" I said making small talk. Esme nodded as she glanced to her husband held Leah in his arms, that was a development. The last time I was around Leah was hands down anti vampire. Now she looked comfortable with them, but something was off. It looked as if she'd been crying.

"It was fun Bella," Alice sat down on the other side of me. "We played guy versus girls, of course, the females won. We're just plan smarter." She giggled and then sighed. "To bad it started to rain, the rain had of held up a little longer we could played again."

"Yes, and our sweet Rosalie doesn't like to get her hair wet." Esme added and I couldn't help but chuckle. I felt comfortable but felt a little out of place. I chalked it up to not being around for a while and I was curious if they all hated me for leaving. I hoped not because I didn't hate them when they had left me. I smoothed my hands on my jeans I was trying to find the words to apologize. I needed to clear the air.

"Bella?" That voice it called me distracting me from my thoughts affecting my heart in only the way he can. Edward stood at the front door with eyes filled with alarm. Rosalie and Emmett mirrored his reaction. Jasper frowned and murmured something I couldn't understand, I could only imagine it was his upset for having to deal with his thirst around me again. "Bella, you came back." The excitement I expected wasn't quite there. I wasn't sure if he was asking me or just confused.

"Of course Edward, I told you I'd come back." I said as I grabbed his hands. "Look, there's something I need to tell you … all of you really. I walked him back over to the couch and sat closely beside him. He looked at me with guarded eyes. I hated myself for making him gaze upon me that way. "I hope you don't hate me Edward. I do love you I just needed time to think things through. I needed to figure out what exactly my feelings for Jacob really were." He arched his eyebrow at me he looked down at his fingers.

"Do you know now?" His stare was cold which made giving my answer a million times harder.

"No, I'm still confused. I know that I missed you like crazy. I couldn't stand being away from for that long. I know I love you very, very much. I just …" I was searching for the words to explain. "I don't know. I need more time."

"Have you told Jacob this?" He asked his tone was colder than anything I'd ever heard before.

"No, I wanted to come see you first. I needed to see you. I have missed your face." I placed my hand at his cheek and a frown etched his brow.

"Bella, I" He looked around the room the living room at all of his family members. "We need to speak privately." He murmured as he stood and offered me his hand. He lead me upstairs to his room even though we both knew everyone could hear it was just the allusion of privacy that was needed. He walked around his room, he finally stilled at his window looking out at the drizzle hitting the earth. He said nothing and it made me anxious, but I still couldn't ignore my draw to be close to him. I placed my hand at his back and lay my head against his arm. He looked down at me, still no smile, he just studied me.

"You were gone for months Bella." He whispered, then emotion colored his face. The hurt and pain filled his eyes. My heart sank I can't believe I made his beautiful face look that way.

"I know Edward, and I'm so sorry." A tear ran down my face and he exhaled and wrapped his arms around me I allowed myself to sob softly. Oh God I had missed his touched. I missed being physically connected to him.

"Are you really? You're still not sure it's me you want." He whispered. "I don't know if I can be satisfied with that. I waited and waited for you to come back." He pulled away from and took a few steps away from me as if the underline the point that he didn't want to touch me anymore.

"I waited for you too Edward! Don't forget that!" I cried.

"Trust my Bella, I haven't. I haven't forgotten, leaving you here was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. My reason for leaving you was to save your life, not to reevaluate my feelings. My feelings for you have never been a question. I've always, ALWAYS, love you with my entire being … but now you are here telling me that you're still unsure." He shook his head and held me with a glare of sad disgust. He looked out the window.

"I love you Bella, but you uncertainty makes me unsure as well," he choked out the words not even offering me a glance.

"What does that mean?" I asked tears filled my eyes again. I never thought that he wouldn't take me back. I never saw it as an option. I knew he'd be hurt but this is so much worse. "What does that mean Edward?" I demanded.

"It means I need to think as well, a lot of things have happened while you've been away. I've found a new peace within myself. I know that I can't hop back in a relationship with you. We can be friends but that's all I want right now. Consider it taking things slow." He gave me the tiniest smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Okay," I nodded frantically as the panic started to subside. He hadn't given up on my completely he was just guarded and he should be. I took a deep breath and scratched my head I hoped my conversation with Jacob wouldn't be this stressful. "So what do we do now?" I asked.

"Do you have plans for the rest of the evening?" I shook my head. I could always talk to Jake tomorrow.

"Alice is doing movie night. She can persuade Charlie to let you stay over." I smiled at him and he again offered me a small smile. I started to make my way towards the door.

"You coming?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'll be down in a minute." He looked back out of the window something about his expression worried me but I didn't say anything. He wanted slow, and that's what I'd give him. I'd do anything for him.

Edward's POV

They say when one door closes another one opens. Well, what happens when both doors are open and we are faced with the decision of knowing which door leads to the right path? Bella came home, and now there's this thing humming around Leah and me. I know that she feels it too … I think. Today after holding Leah so closely I felt a shift in my feelings. Bella, as usual, drew me to her; I was a moth to her flame. Her scent, her essence, and her innocence were all qualities that I'd grown to love effortlessly. However, she was still as decided as ever, and I wasn't sure that even if she had chosen me, if it really mattered anymore. Leah's appeal, in its own way, was stronger; she was my friend, my very best friend. She was the only person whose mind I could never tire of, the only person who made my skin buzz, and the only person that dealt with my angst in her own unique way. Then there was Leah's beauty, the heavens broke the mold when they created her. Watching her doing even the simplest things, like cook or brush her teeth, was entertaining. I had seen the way she looked as I walked into the leaving room this afternoon. She studied me as I looked upon Bella with shocked surprise. I wanted to talk this out with her. I wanted her to help me make up my mind, but if I had told her what I was thinking it would have changed the dynamic between us.

I was at a loss as to what to do. I took a breath; the only thing I could do now was join the party downstairs. I decided to walk at human's pace. I was trying to figure out where I was going to sit and what I was going to say to Leah. My mind was blank. I looked around the room when I entered, and quickly realized that the woman that was causing me (?) was nowhere to be seen. I quickly pulled Rose to the side.

"Where's Leah?" I whispered and she smirked at me.

"She left when you went upstairs with your girlfriend, Edward," Rose answered dryly. "She said she had plans with some guy named Ryan?" She shrugged her shoulders and then glanced over to Bella. "You need to get your stuff together, and I mean it!" She turned and sat down beside Emmett and saw fit to look over his shoulder and chuckle at my dilemma. I guess I was glad someone was finding humor in it.

I saw that my new concern was this Ryan character. Could I seriously be okay with Leah interacting with this guy? It just didn't sit well, her going out with him. I had to stop it. I snuck away from the group and slipped

3 out the back door. I hoped I wasn't too late to attempt to find my Leah.