Chapter 15
Chloe was waiting on Rush's bed in the infirmary, swinging her legs anxiously when Rush returned fresh from a shower. He was pale, being half-carried by Varro, but he smiled a little when he saw her. She grinned and helped get him settled before turning to his helper.
"Is everything ready?" she asked. Varro nodded.
"We'll be there shortly."
"Okay."
"You need any help with him?"
She shook her head, noticing how Rush frowned. "Nope. I've got it. We'll meet you there." With a nod to her and to Rush he went away. She watched him leave, then waited another full minute to make sure they were alone. Pulling the chair closer to the bed, she sat and asked, "How are you?"
He gave her a curious frown. "Fine. What's going on?"
She smiled. From under the collar of her shirt she tugged out a jewel dangling on a wire chain. It swayed in the air at the tips of her fingers, uncut but perfectly clear, sparkling, with tiny flames of every color leaping below the surface like something alive. She watched his eyes flicker with mild fascination. "This came from one of the planets we visited last month," she told him. Then she grinned. "Matt's asked me to marry him."
He shook his head with a tired smile. "That took longer than I expected."
She grinned. "Better late than never, right?"
"So they say."
She rose from the chair and leaned over him, swaddling him in her arms. He did not hesitate to hold her back.
"Congratulations, Chloe."
"Thank you." She sat down again and cleared her throat. "I want to show you something else too. Think you're up for a little field trip?"
He looked at her inquisitively, then at the floor. He was probably trying to determine if getting off the bed again would be worth the trouble. "To where?"
"Just the mess hall. There's something happening there and I think you should see it."
"What is it?"
She smiled, knowing she was probably about to lose him. "Something like an engagement party."
He quirked a brow. "Something like?"
"Well...it's a little more than that."
He shook his head. "I dunno, Chloe, I'm not..."
"Please," she said. "It'll be worth it, I promise."
She knew parties really were not his thing, especially in his condition, and it was a long shot, but she had to try. The longer he frowned at her, the more discouraged she felt.
"You don't have to stay long," she said. "We can come right back. But I really...want you there." She bit her lip.
He sighed and rubbed his head. "Okay."
Chloe jumped up from the chair and helped him slide off the bed, then eased into his side and wrapped one of his arms around her shoulders. Her other arm went around his waist. It was convenient that she was at least as tall as he was, and they probably weighed about the same now. Onward they went, at his nod.
The Mess was packed. Cheers hailed them as soon as the bulkhead opened, and the crowd converged on them at once. Rush flinched and moved like he was trying to pull away, but she just gently guided him in and deposited him at the table closest to the door. Doctor Park greeted her with a hug.
Matt came to stand at her side and nodded at Rush with a smile. "Convinced him to come, huh?" he whispered to her.
"Yeah, barely. I don't expect much out of him, though."
Another hug, this time from Corporal Barnes. Eli was waiting behind her with a grin. It did good things for Chloe's heart to see him so happy after what had happened to Ginn. She remembered laughing at the prospect at first, but she really loved Barnes. She was a sweetheart.
Greer came and crushed Matt's ribs in a bear hug, hefting him into the air with a roaring laugh. He came for her next, though he was much gentler. "I am the best man, right?" he asked earnestly. "Tell me I'm the best man."
Matt slapped him on the back with a sputtering sound. "Of course you're the best man. I'd never live it down."
A thousand more embraces followed with an inordinate number of congratulations. She could see people talking to Rush too, glad they were all so far heeding her warning to give him space. Don't touch him, she'd told them. Just be there. Rush looked confused and uncomfortable, but she could tell he was making a try for patience.
"Where are Colonel Young and T.J?" she asked Matt.
He shrugged. "I dunno. They're not responding to the radio, so wherever they are, they're probably together."
Chloe scrunched up her face in disappointment. "They'll hear all about it, I'm sure."
"Eli brought a kino."
She could see the little ball whizzing through the air. She smiled. "Of course he did."
Someone put some music on. The men clinked their drinks. The women fawned over her gem. She wasn't even sure what to call it, really. It might have been a diamond, but she wasn't sure if the planet it came from had even remotely the same minerals as Earth. It was probably something she would get to name herself. That was exciting. She was so lost in the activity that she almost missed Rush sitting with his head hunched over, his hands over his ears. Too loud, she remembered suddenly. Biting her lip, she crouched next to him.
"Nick," she said softly, and put one of her hands over his. He looked at her, blinking a lot. "I'm sorry, are you okay?"
He nodded, but he didn't look okay. "I think it's time to go back."
No, not yet. She pushed down a rise of guilt, knowing full well that it was selfish. "Do you think you could hold on for just a few more minutes? I really want you to see something."
He closed his eyes and just nodded. She stood again, rubbing his neck, wondering if she should go get his painkillers from the infirmary. But Eli took notice, and he darted around the room shushing people. The music was turned down to a more appropriate level, and little by little Rush was able to peel his hands away from his ears.
"Better?" she whispered.
He nodded. "Yeah." He gazed around the room for a moment, taking it all in. Then he looked up at her. "What's this about, Chloe?"
She smiled. "Just watch for a minute."
Ron and Park took a seat at a table across the room with Brody and Volker. Varro and Lieutenant James had come also, standing very close to each other by the opposite door, flirting and smiling and oblivious to everyone. Eli and Barnes cuddled up at the next table. Other civilians and soldiers were teeming about, laughing loudly, telling jokes, dancing around the tables. People kept coming by to give Chloe their blessings, and someone made a toast. Rush kept silent, watching impassively.
"See all these people?" Chloe said at length so only he could hear. "Look closely. See their faces? See how happy they are?"
He turned and stared at her curiously.
She grinned at him. "This is the joy you have brought to these people. This was you, Doctor Rush."
He shook his head as if that was ridiculous and shrugged the comment off his back. "You found each other. I had nothing to do with it."
"We never would have otherwise," she countered. She looked to her fiancé, who was standing next to Greer, cackling about something or other. She smiled. "I never would have found Matt. I don't know what I'd do without him."
"You would have found someone else."
"I don't want someone else," she said. Sometimes he was so difficult. "He's my missing half. What we have is impossible to find twice."
He said nothing. She watched him stroke his hand where his ring used to be.
"This is because of you. Without you, none of this would have happened." She knelt down on the floor in front of him and took his hands, just like he had done for her. Looking into his eyes, she said, "I want you to know something. In a month from now, a year, fifty years, I'm going to look back on all this and I'm going to have a choice to make about how I want to remember it. There's no denying that a lot happened out here, good and bad. But this, right now, is what I want to remember, and I wanted you to be a part of it. We all came to thank you for bringing us here."
He frowned, instantly mistrustful, so she said it again, rubbing his knuckles with her thumbs.
"Thank you for dialing the ninth chevron."
Something dark crossed his face. He jerked his hands away and got himself gawkily to his feet, looking on the verge of an outburst as he glanced around the room. "Is that a joke?"
She wasn't expecting that. She stood in worry. "No. No, Nick, what?"
"Are they here to mock me?" he asked. He turned his eyes on her, and they were sharp and deadly. "Why did you bring me here? To taunt me? To throw it in my face again?"
"No..." She didn't know what to do. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. "No, I'm serious, this is just-"
"Stop," he snapped in a tone he'd never used with her before. "Why don't you just tell me what we're really doing? That's why you're here, isn't it?"
"What?"
He pressed a hand against his temple. "I lost last time, remember?"
"What are you talking about?"
He did not look right, holding his head with one hand while the other kept him upright on the table, looking around the room like it was full of snakes. He seemed to be having trouble breathing. "I don't believe you."
She frowned, lost. "Nick…"
"It's not the right color anyway."
She stared at him. She couldn't keep up with this conversation, couldn't follow the erratic detours his mind kept taking. "Nick," she whispered, stepping forward. He recoiled, moving around to keep the table between them.
People were starting to notice. The dull roar had become hushed murmurs, and everyone was turning to stare. It only agitated him more. Matt began to make his way over, wisely choosing a slow, non-threatening pace. Rush released the table and managed to stand on his own two feet. There was nothing between him and the door, and he glanced over his shoulder as if preparing to run. Chloe knew he'd never make it. The moment he tried he would be on the ground, and that would only make this entire thing worse.
Matt stopped at her side and whispered, "Chloe, I think you should get behind me."
That scared her. She shook her head. "No, Matt, he's not going to hurt me." She took a tiny step toward Rush and said, "Nick, please, it's okay-"
"Stay away from me," he said, and she didn't know who he thought she was, but he was looking at her like he'd never seen her before.
"Rush, it's me-"
"I said stay back!"
Eli was suddenly at her elbow. "I called T.J.," he whispered so quietly that she almost missed it.
"What's wrong with him?" she worried. She'd never seen Rush like this before. He was almost falling now, both arms coiled around himself, head bowed forward. She wanted to go to him, but despite what she'd just told Matt, she was afraid.
"I don't know," Eli said. He was squirming like he wanted to do something too. "This has been happening lately. Something wrong with his brain..."
Rush reached for the table again and missed, folding to his knees on the floor beside it. His strength was failing.
This was her fault. She made him come. She felt so guilty she could cry. She watched him huddle into himself and cover his ears against the whispers, unable to run, trying to hide. She finally rallied her courage and moved to shield him from their eyes, daring to kneel at his side and pull him into her arms. He fought to get away, but he was weakening, and she kept a firm grip and drew him back, laying one arm across his shoulders with her other hand on the back of his head. He ended up just listing forward, his face on her shoulder while she rubbed his back. Eli came with Matt and Ron to serve as an additional screen against curious stares.
"Chloe, what's happening?" Rush finally asked. He was shaking.
"Shhh," she said. "It's okay. You're on Destiny."
The familiar refrain seemed to have an effect. She felt him nod. He lifted a hand to his head and released a small complaint of discomfort. "What's going on?"
"It's okay," she said. He tried to move away, but she just held him tighter. "It's okay, I'm sorry, it's okay, you're okay."
"Take me back," he whispered.
"Okay." She helped him stand, and they did not look behind as they left. They were joined halfway there by T.J, who helped Chloe practically carry him back to the infirmary. Once he was back on a bed with the I.V. reattached, Chloe insisted that she was able to stay there with him and practically kicked T.J. out again after a brief explanation of what had occurred. When they were alone, she sat in the chair by the bed.
It was quiet for awhile. She could tell he was embarrassed by the way he sat with his eyes closed, but she was even more so. "Are you..." She watched his hands go rigid and curl into fists. She bit her lip. "Are you okay?"
He took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and relaxed. But he didn't answer.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't know that would happen."
He shook his head and opened his eyes. "Neither did I. I'm sorry about your party."
"No, that's okay. Look, I want to explain what was going on. We were just trying to show you that we were grateful. Everyone criticizes you for bringing us here, but I'm pretty sure no one has ever thanked you for it."
He chuckled dryly and coughed. She handed him a cup of water, and he drank. "You're right about that." Then he shifted his eyes contritely to her. "I thought it was a joke. I didn't think anyone really felt grateful."
"That's not your fault."
He shrugged.
"We do, though," she assured him. "Those people in there came to show you how happy they are in spite of everything. We are all choosing to remember the good things that happened, and the best thing of all was coming here in the first place."
He stared at her. He searched her face as if seeking the lie, obviously still doubtful.
She took his hand. "It's true," she told him seriously. "Every word."
He stared a moment longer, before dropping his eyes and nodding. "In that case, perhaps you could beg their forgiveness on my behalf for being such a killjoy."
She smiled. "I will." Shifting in the chair, she asked, "So…can you tell me what happened after?"
"What do you mean?"
"You were saying strange things. Something wasn't the right color?"
He stared blankly at her. "What wasn't the right color?"
She shook her head. "I don't know. That's what you said."
He snorted and shrugged. "I haven't a clue."
Chloe just gave a smile she didn't feel.
He rubbed his eyes with his fingers. "Shouldn't you be going back to your party now?"
She shook her head. "Brody brought the booze. I can't stand the stuff, so if I go back I'll be the one having to drag everyone out of there. No, thank you. I'll go back when someone else shows up who can help me move bodies."
He laughed a little. "Let it never be said that Chloe Armstrong is not an intelligent person."
She grinned. "Soon to be Chloe Scott," she said with a nudge to his shoulder.
"Indeed." His smile got serious, just a little. "I am happy for you, you know."
She began to rub his head. "I know."
He closed his eyes with a sigh, and though they were externally quiet, her mind was in utter chaos.
—
"What was that all about?" Colonel Young asked when Tamara found him on the bridge. She had checked his room first.
"Rush had another episode," she said. The colonel was sitting on the stairs instead of the command chair, just gazing out through the windows. She came around and sat beside him, and he gave her an expectant look. "He's okay now."
He nodded, probably knowing Rush was, in fact, not "okay", but she knew that he knew what she meant. He put his arm around her and pulled her close, and she leaned in against him. "What's all the commotion?"
"A party," she said. "Chloe and Matt are engaged."
He whistled. "It's about time."
She laughed. "We probably shouldn't have ignored the radios."
"Probably not."
"We should go make an appearance."
"Soon," he told her. "Soon."
She didn't answer. She felt him moving, and before she realized what he was doing he was sitting behind her, running his fingers through her hair. Her skin prickled and she shivered; she'd forgotten how nice that felt.
"So what does this do, exactly?" he wondered. "I've seen you playing with Rush's hair a lot lately."
She could feel weeks of stress melting away. "Well, it's relaxing, for one thing. Tension is bad for anyone."
"Hm," he said, skimming his fingers down her neck. "What else?"
"It stimulates blood flow."
"In the brain?" She could hear the skepticism in his voice.
"No," she said with a light laugh. "In the scalp. Massaging the head and neck helps circulation."
"Ah." He continued for awhile, gradually working his way down to her shoulders. She was close to falling asleep when he spoke again. "So what do you plan to do when you get home?"
She had to think hard past the drowsiness that had been setting in. She shook her head. "I don't know. My plans were so clear before, but it's so hard knowing I only have a few years left." It was hard knowing it. It was hard talking about it. He made some kind of noise that she couldn't identify. "I could try for my scholarship again but I don't know if I would even have a chance to graduate. I could work for the Red Cross or something. It's weird knowing the future, even if that future is in the past."
"Hmm," he said noncommittally. "Are you still going to resign?"
"Absolutely," she said without hesitating. "I'll find a way to fill my time that doesn't involve this. What about you?"
He paused. "I don't know. Telford and a whole new team are going to be taking over Destiny when we get back. I'll probably be fired, and even if I'm not I'm going to resign. My house has probably been foreclosed on, unless Emily took it in the divorce, and my credit is probably in the toilet. But," he continued a little more cheerily, "I have been getting paid for five years without spending anything so that should give me some time to make up my mind."
She smiled even though he couldn't see. "Sounds like a good plan."
"But wherever I go….I want you there with me."
She stiffened. He didn't stop moving his hands, and for a moment she thought she had imagined it. When she slowly moved to look at him, the look in his eyes told her she hadn't. "What?"
"I love you," he said. "Will you marry me?"
She gaped at him. Was he actually asking her this? For real? She blinked at him. He seemed to realize her dilemma, but he may have misinterpreted it, for he drew his hands back and looked away, clearing his throat. "Sir," she croaked out. That wasn't her voice. "Are you actually…?"
He rested his hands on his knees and gave her a very cautious smile. "Yes, Lieutenant," he said. "I am asking if you will be my wife."
Her mind was screaming, but her voice was frozen in her throat. She wanted it, she wanted it so badly, to be only his, to be with him forever, but in that moment she was staggered once again by how short forever would be. Her symptoms would begin to manifest within a few years. It wasn't long enough, not nearly. And after what she'd told him the other day about her family, she couldn't endure the thought of putting him through that too. One more heart to be found wanting.
"Sir, I don't know..."
It was obviously not the answer he was hoping for. The smile died on his lips, replaced by a tight pain. He just nodded and took a breath. "Okay. Okay, um..." He smiled again, insincerely. "No harm in trying, right?"
She shook her head. "No, Colonel, it's not like that. It's not that I don't...that I don't love you..." His expression of relief made it harder to look at him. She swallowed back her tears. "Because I do...I really do, it's just that..."
"You're sick," he finished.
She nodded. "Yeah."
"I know that, T.J. It doesn't make a difference. I want to spend the rest of your life making you happy." He took her hand and kissed it. "Will do you me that honor?"
She almost caved. Emotion welled up and strangled her again. "But what about in a couple of years when…?" she began.
"Hey," he said. "In sickness and in health, remember?" Then he froze as the same thought that struck her struck him too. He cleared his throat. "Strange, I know, coming from a guy who cheated on his wife."
She awkwardly averted her gaze. That was the other problem. It wasn't just that she wanted to spare him her sickness; she wanted to spare herself the possibility that her sickness would drive him to another woman, the way he had been driven to her. They had started their relationship in the shadows, in transgression of the holy oath he had made to the woman he had pledged to love alone. When Tamara deteriorated so much that she couldn't move, couldn't eat on her own, couldn't speak, how could she really, really know he would be there for her and not in the arms – or the bed – of someone else? She pitied Emily in that moment.
He sighed. "T.J., I know I've made mistakes. But I swear that I would do all things in my power to make you as happy as you can be. All I want is the chance. I can be a better man, I promise."
Promises. There were so many promises going around these days, and they were all being broken. "Can I think about it?" she ventured.
He looked like he was trying to hide his disappointment, but he nodded. "Of course you can. You know where you can always find me."
"Yeah."
He got to his feet. "Why don't we go make our appearance?"
She didn't move. She turned to look out the windows and said, "Actually, Colonel, I think I'll stay here for awhile if that's okay."
She couldn't see his face and couldn't judge his reaction when he said, "Of course," but his voice was hollow, and he went away with nothing further. She sat alone on the metal stairs with her hands folded under her chin. Thoughts of the colonel were too painful right now, too overwhelming, so she studied the stars for a while instead. They were so beautiful. And they were different all the time. They were out of FTL for the moment, just drifting, and it gave her a rare chance to really center on just how big the universe was, how brilliant, how terrifying. It went on forever.
Some things don't end.
She pulled herself to her feet and crossed the floor to one of the chairs closer to the glass to get a better view. She remembered one night she and Eli were sitting on the observation deck, assigning names to every star and constellation they could find. They were at it for hours.
"That's the Big Brody," Eli had said, pointing out one that looked similar to the Big Dipper. With a grin at her, he explained, "Drinking from the distillery of the Whisky Way."
She remembered laughing. It felt so good to laugh, and it was so easy with Eli. The kid was a gem. There had been many good moments like that, more than she actually remembered. Not for the first time, she said a prayer of thanks for him and his stupid kinos. She had short-sightedly failed to see the value of those things at first, but now to her they were priceless. She wanted to remember this trek across the unknown universe. No one else ever had or would see the things she'd seen. She'd done so much. Gone through so much.
Lost so much.
Found so much.
It was impossible to reconcile. For every gain there was a loss, and for every loss there was a gain. She would return to Earth with no more or less than she left with. There had been many times out here that she felt destitute, devoid of everything she had ever loved, while simultaneously feeling so full that she could burst. It was exhausting trying to keep up with it all. She felt it now. She wanted, but she didn't know what. Some of her felt so impossibly happy that she wondered if she'd gone mad, while the other part was so miserable that she wished to go to sleep and never wake up. She didn't know if it was a blessing or a curse to know about her ALS. She was glad to have come this far, but she felt cheated out of the time she didn't have left. Maybe she just wanted, in spite of it all, to be happy.
She'd knew she'd been given a gift. She'd been given one last chance to find happiness. She would be able to spend the last of her years at home where she truly wanted to be, thanks to the dubious kindness of a man she both hated and loved. Whether or not he did it for her seemed of little consequence anymore. The fact was that she owed him now, and the only way to repay what he'd done was to make the most of the time she had left. Stop looking behind. Embrace what she'd been given. Remember the losses but cherish the promise of what was to come. No regrets.
What am I doing?
She would start now.
–
It seemed like Volker had been talking for a very long time. Nick couldn't remember half of what he'd already said, and he was pretty sure the man's voice was the cause of his present throbbing headache. So far, all he'd managed to glean from the monologue was that they still didn't like each other. No news there. He didn't have the energy to be impatient, so he just sat and tried to listen past the pounding in his head while Volker paced circles around the bed.
"-and I know that's just the way you are," Volker carried on. What is? Huh? "I've never understood how some people can be so naturally miserable, but maybe it's just because some people are more prone to misery."
What…? Nick shook his head, regretting it instantly, and reached for his painkillers. He made a mental note to get revenge on Chloe for leaving him here like this. He didn't know if she had a hand in it or if Volker had come on his own, but her smug little smile when she left made him suspicious.
"I'm not saying we need to be friends," Volker proceeded. What are you saying? "I'm not asking for an apology. I'm not asking for anything. I'm just saying that we've both made mistakes and maybe it's time that we just put it all behind us and forget any of it ever happened."
"Water under the bridge," Nick managed.
"Exactly."
It was a fair suggestion. They hadn't really gotten along since the very first day on the ship, due in part to Nick's short temper and Volker's irritating personality. They'd insulted each other and pestered each other time and again. Nick sometimes felt little more than sheer annoyance for the man, but if he was honest with himself, most of the time he acted the way he did out of habit. He'd done it so long that it was just an old routine. But Volker was making an effort here. That was worth something. They couldn't start over, but they didn't have to continue. In sooth, they should have done this much sooner.
Dale was watching him. Nick realized he'd stopped talking, finally. Waiting for something. A response, a validation, an absolution. He nodded, slowly. "Yeah. I think you're right." And he was, wasn't he?
Volker gave an approving, lopsided smile. "Good. It's nice to be right now and then." Nick snorted and shook his head, fighting a small pull on his lips. Volker grinned and stood closer to the bed, reaching out his palm. "We good?"
What did he have to lose, really? Nick took his hand and shook it as firmly as he was able. "Yeah."
Dale nodded, then crossed his arms and looked at the door like he wanted to leave. Was it just him, or was it awkward in there? "So, you, uh...need some company? We could play chess or something."
He shook his head and rubbed his eyes. He was in no condition for chess, and he still had pride enough not to let himself be beaten by Dale Volker. "No, you go ahead. I could use some quiet right about now."
Volker feigned offense, throwing at him a mock glare. He gave it right back. "All right, well, I can't leave you by yourself. T.J. would bury me alive if she found out."
"Then I won't tell her you were here."
Volker raised an eyebrow. "You mean you'd cover for me?"
Nick smiled thinly. "A new spirit of cooperation?"
The man chuckled. "You got me there. Seriously, though..."
"I'll be all right. I haven't had any time alone since I don't know when. You'd be doing me a favor."
Volker still looked unsure, but finally he shrugged. "All right. You've got a radio, right?"
"Yep."
"Okay. If you need anything, call someone else."
"Most definitely."
Volker laughed on his way out the door. Nick watched him go, somehow knowing he would never see him again.
–
Tamara spotted the colonel talking with Matt and Chloe by the serving station with a bowl in his hand. The newly betrothed were both simply glowing, grins plastered across their faces as if chiseled out of them. They looked so happy. Her heart thudded as she hurried to Colonel Young's side, clearing her throat to interrupt. If that was rude, no one mentioned it. She wouldn't have cared anyway.
"T.J.," said the colonel. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah, can I talk to you for a second?"
He nodded, put his bowl down, and followed her out to the corridor. They walked a safe distance off where they wouldn't be distracted by the noise of the party. "What's going on-?"
She pulled him forward and kissed him. He seemed surprised at first, if his confused gasp was anything to go by, but he was adaptable and he was quickly kissing her too.
"I thought about it," she said into his mouth.
He held her tighter before drawing back. "So...yes?"
"Yes."
He smiled and cupped her jawline in both his hands, rubbing away her tears. She wrapped her arms around him and nestled her face in his neck.
"I promise that I will make you happy," he said.
"You already do," she whispered. He kissed her hair. "I want to spend the rest of my life with the people who make me the happiest, and I could never be happy without you."
He nodded. "Without you I'm lost."
They stood in silence, holding each other. What a strange thing, Destiny. She hated this ship, but she loved what it gave her. She couldn't wait to get home, but she dreaded all she would lose when she arrived. She wished for time never to pass again. She wanted to stay here, like this, forever, in her little bubble of bliss where there was no fear, no pain, no lost children, no dying friends, no terminal illnesses. It was just her and her joy, and she wanted it never to end.
Eventually, the colonel - her fiancé - nudged her gently. "I have something for you."
She reluctantly pulled away, and he reached into his pocket to retrieve a small metal box. Inside was an otherworldly little gem like she'd never seen – the iridescence, the gleam, the way it bent light and turned it into something that was nearly magic. It glittered like snow in the sunlight, with rivers of living color running within. She absolutely gasped.
"Scott snagged the best one, but I did find one that's almost as good," the colonel explained. "We actually brought back a bunch of 'em. We can find a jeweler to set it when we get home."
"It's amazing," she said, breathless. She wanted to touch it, but she idiotically feared that would shatter it or make it disappear.
He laughed. "I probably should have given this to you up on the bridge. Maybe you wouldn't have had to think so hard." She shook her head and giggled a little. He closed the box, and it vanished back into his pocket. "We should head back in there," he said softly, tilting his head to the Mess.
She nodded, slightly disappointed, but wishing to support her friends in their happy news also. They went together, his arm around her shoulders, hers around his waist. As they went along he kept kissing the side of her head and telling her over and over again that he loved her.
Feeling bold, she smiled over at him. "Now, just to prepare you, I've got a date tonight."
He raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"
She nodded. "Yup. He's a doctor. Real nice guy. I'll probably be out all night, so don't wait up."
He snorted, trying to cover a laugh and failing. "Well, you tell this doctor that he had better behave himself."
She grinned. "I'll keep him in line."
"Or I'll have to."
She giggled. They found the mess hall, and she paused just outside. "Actually, I really should go see how he's doing," she told him.
He nodded. "Okay. You know where I'll be."
She nodded and left him there, slipping back to the infirmary. She was surprised to find Rush alone.
"Hey," she said. "What are you doing here by yourself?"
He shrugged. "I needed some time."
She sighed. "I understand that, but there's a reason we haven't left you alone."
He pointed to a radio on the table next to him. "No big deal. I would have called you."
She didn't want to argue with him. She was just glad he was all right. He was looking at her oddly, and she realized she was grinning like a fruitcake. "So, uh…" She cleared her throat. "Pretty exciting about Matt and Chloe, huh?"
He frowned curiously. "Yes."
"They're so cute together, don't you think?"
He didn't respond to that. He just stared at her.
She wanted to spill it all, but something had her keeping it to herself for now. She forced herself to take on a slightly less silly face as she sat in the chair at his side. "Excited for our date tonight?"
He snorted. She was glad she could make him laugh like that. "It's been a very long time since I had a date," he confided. "I feel rather underdressed."
She grinned. She liked this side of him. "Well, don't worry about it. We're all pretty raggedy by now."
He nodded. "That's true."
She studied him for a minute. "How are you feeling? Any pain?"
He shrugged. "No more than usual. Tired, though."
He looked it. "We'll get that under control," she said, although she knew it was of little comfort. Being tired was really the least of his worries. To his credit, he just nodded. "Have you tried eating anything?"
He shook his head with a little grimace. Apparently, even the thought nauseated him. She had to try very hard not to sigh. He hadn't eaten in so long it was a miracle he had the verve even to sit up straight. She didn't know what was sustaining him at this point. She checked the I.V. and felt his forehead, suddenly restless, feeling like she should be doing something, but in here there was nothing to do. She went to her supply shelves, then to her desk, then back to the chair. He watched her all the time.
"You look like you'd rather be somewhere else," he finally said.
She bit her lip guiltily, glancing at the exit. "I need to make an appearance at Matt and Chloe's party."
He motioned for the door. "So go ahead then."
"I really couldn't leave you alone."
"I'll be fine."
"Rush-"
"Tamara," he said. She stopped. "Just go."
He was impossible to argue with. She sighed, rising to her feet. "I won't be gone long, I promise. Do you want me to send someone back here?"
He shook his head. "No, I'll be fine."
"Okay. I'll be back really soon."
"Take your time," he said evenly.
She just nodded and left the infirmary. He could have meant anything by that. Maybe she was smothering him. Maybe he needed time away from her as much as she needed a break from him. Maybe he was testing her dedication to the care of her patient, and she just failed. Maybe he just really needed some time to himself, not having enjoyed any since they found out about his condition. Maybe he was really concerned about her and wanted to give her a reprieve. Whatever his reasoning, she still wound up in the mess hall.
Her mood lifted instantly. Music was bouncing and drinks were flowing and people were dancing and chatting and laughing, just like they'd done a year ago when they learned they were heading home. Seriously, there just wasn't enough of that these days. She found the colonel sitting on a table in the company of several marines, toasting something. She smiled and went to his side.
"T.J.," he greeted her. "How is he?"
"He's okay right now. I'll be going right back, I'm just here for a few minutes."
"T.J.!"
That was Chloe's voice. Tamara turned and saw her friend elbowing a path through the crowd, her look of joy eclipsed by concern. "Everything okay?"
She nodded and gave her a cheering smile. "Everything's fine, he's all right for now. I just wanted to come congratulate you guys!" She brought her in for an enormous hug.
Chloe grinned. "Thank you. You're the first person who hasn't said it's about time."
Tamara laughed. "Well, it is."
Chloe laughed and rolled her eyes. "I know."
"Where's Matt?"
Chloe pointed. The lieutenant was having what appeared to be a drinking game-slash-arm-wrestling contest with Varro. Brody and Volker were spectating, and James was narrating for Doctor Park. Tamara crossed the room and reached them just as Varro apparently lost, his knuckles scraping the tabletop. The table burst into cheers, and Varro threw back another shot.
"And Varro finishes his second mug!" James announced. Tamara gaped at him. You would never know he'd had so much. His nerves were steel, his eyes sharp, his smile sharper. Brody and Volker had been snickering to each other before, but now they were just mildly fascinated.
"I thought..." Volker said to his friend.
"It is," Brody said. "I don't know how he's doing this."
Tamara ignored them, instead looking at Varro. "I hope I don't need you in the infirmary later," she scolded him. If anything, she'd probably be treating him. He smiled at her and waved a dismissive hand.
"Nothing to worry about, Tamara. It's under control."
Apparently it was. She shook her head and put her hand on Matt's shoulder, who was a little more worse for wear. His eyes were watery and a little bloodshot, but he was still sitting up straight enough. He smiled at her.
"Hey, T.J."
She smiled, distantly wondering if she'd be seeing him in the infirmary later too. "Hey, Matt. I just wanted to tell you congratulations."
He stood and wrapped his strong arms around her. "Thanks. About time, I know."
She laughed. "Better late than never."
He smiled. She planted a friendly kiss on his cheek. Greer looked jealous, so she gave him one too. Then Greer kissed Park, then Varro kissed James, and soon everyone was behaving like it was midnight on New Year's Day. She turned and traded a longing smile with the colonel. In time they would make their own announcement. Tonight was about Matt and Chloe. She walked away, overhearing Brody complain about Varro's inhuman ability to hold his suspiciously strong liquor. She went to the serving station and grabbed a bottle and a pair of mugs, then dodged her way to the door and then returned to the infirmary.
Rush gave her a look as she came in. "So soon?"
"I said I wouldn't be long," she replied. She sat at his side and put the dishes on the little table. "I'm a woman of my word."
She watched a smile slowly diffuse across his face. "That you are."
She smiled too. Then she filled a mug halfway and handed it to him, then filled one for herself.
"What's this for?"
"Purely medicinal," she said. "Alcohol is a pretty good analgesic, you know. Plus, it can act as a blood thinner."
He peered down into his mug. "I doubt I drink often enough for it to be an effective anticoagulant."
"Well," she shrugged, "this is Brody's stuff, and we all know it's more potent than anything you can find in a store. So its extra strength will make up for how seldom you take it."
He stared at her. "That's not really true, is it?"
She paused, then shook her head with a smile of defeat. "No."
"No." But he took a swallow anyway.
"Not too much," she cautioned him. "I don't know how this will interact with your painkillers."
He nodded. "Well, I'd hate to let this fine beverage go entirely to waste. What do we drink to?"
She raised her mug. "To Scott and Chloe?"
Metal rang against metal. "To Scott and Chloe."
"Cheers."
"Cheers."
They drank, just a sip. "Your turn to think of something," she told him, clearing her throat.
He thought about it. With a shrug, he raised his mug again. "To Destiny."
She smiled. "To Destiny."
"Cheers."
"Cheers."
They drank. For a half hour they continued like that, toasting anything they could think of - the Icarus planet that would take the crew to Earth, the communication stones, Brody's paper-making machine, the recharging plate, the still, the showers, the kinos, the shuttles, the shields, the military, the civilians, the comrades they had lost, and the ones they hadn't.
As Tamara was giving herself a refill, Rush said, "Lieutenant, I want you to do me a favor."
She put the bottle down and turned back to him. He was staring down into his empty mug, completely sober. "Of course," she said.
He rolled his mug between his palms and looked straight into her eyes. "I want you to make sure Lieutenant Scott takes good care of Chloe."
She smiled morosely. As if there was any doubt of that. "Of course I will. You really care about her, don't you?"
He nodded. Then he gave her a shock: "And make sure your colonel takes good care of you."
Her face must have changed, because he smiled mildly. "What?" she said, assuming ignorance. He couldn't possibly know.
He scoffed. "Please, Lieutenant. You can't hide it. I know that face on a woman."
He was bluffing. There was no way. She stared at him, refusing to believe.
"How…?"
"I've seen it many times. Gloria made the same one. I saw it on Chloe just a few hours before I saw it on you."
She frowned in bewilderment.
He smiled again, with an edge this time. "And there is no higher honor than to be the person who made a woman look like that. To find someone worthy of it is a rare thing."
The alcohol might have been getting to her. She shook her head. "So you're saying he's worthy?"
"That depends. Are you happy?"
"Yes." She didn't even have to think about it.
He nodded, once. "Then he's worthy."
This was too deep for her right now. She took a swig from her mug, earning a slight narrowing of his eyes. He must have noticed how she'd almost missed her mouth.
"Perhaps no more toasts for you."
She nodded. "You're right. I'm cutting myself off."
"Good idea."
She checked her watch, blinking against her doubling vision. It was only 1900. She had some time before they needed to go on their "date".
"How about you?" she said, trying to control her speech. "Feeling okay?"
His eyes drifted to his bottle of pain medicine. "Fine, for now," he said, shifting on the bed.
She just nodded. "Okay. Whenever you're ready to take a walk, just let me know, all right?"
He might have answered, but she didn't know, because the next thing she knew it was morning and she was waking up.
She found him unconscious. Panic swelled, lancing through her head. She instantly checked for breathing, pulse, reflexes. She found them all normal, and cursed herself for her negligence. What was she thinking? She knew she had to take care of Rush overnight. She knew she always passed out hard after drinking Brody's paint thinner. She knew Rush would need to take a walk. What kind of friend was she?
Her brain was threatening to punch through her skull. The lights were way too bright; her mouth was dry and her stomach felt sour. Regret and shame came gurgling up, and she threw it all up into a basin. Great, she thought. Just great. Hangover. That's what she needed.
"Have some water," came a quiet voice from behind her, and she jumped. Turning, she saw Varro walking over from her desk with a mug in his hand, which he was holding out to her. She was suddenly very, very embarrassed.
"Thank you," she whispered groggily, taking what he offered. He shrugged. She took a long drink, forcing herself to swallow instead of spit. Her eyes wandered to the little bottle of pain relievers on the table, but no, she decided. She deserved this hangover. Served her right. "Were you here all night?" she asked, turning back to her helper.
He looked amused. "Someone had to watch the two of you."
She groaned. This must have been what Rush felt like after he'd woken up from his collapse and found her watching him. "And?"
He shrugged and came a little closer. "He woke up once looking for pain medicine."
That made her feel horribly guilty. Rush had been suffering and she had been right there, totally oblivious to him. She looked down at the sleeping man, gently brushing his hair out of his face. "Sorry," she whispered.
"He's all right," Varro assured her. He stretched, blinking blearily. "He went right back to sleep, so it wasn't a big thing."
Maybe the alcohol helped after all. She smiled at him, wondering in the back of her mind how he could be in such fine feather after having two whole mugs, while she was almost falling over after only half. "I don't know what I would do without you," she said honestly.
He just smiled also. "Always happy to be useful. But now that you're awake, I think I'll get some sleep."
She nodded. "Take the whole day off, Varro. If anyone gives you grief, send them to me."
He smiled and disappeared.
When the bulkhead was closed, Tamara looked back down at Rush, watching him sleep, sorrow washing over her anew. Another day gone. The moonshine had done its due diligence, blunting her senses and dulling the ache of knowing he would be gone soon, but in its wake was left all the pain it couldn't really heal. She swept his hair back again and he didn't even stir. He looked paler, more fragile. What a difference a day made. In spite of it all she felt sorry for all of the time she'd spent away from him yesterday, precious hours she'd never get back slipping through her fingers like water, and now she took his hand and silently vowed to stay at his side for as long as it depended on her.
'Til death do us part.