Authors note: You guys, thanks so much for the kind reviews. They are so appreciated and I love you all very much for them. Can't wait for Saturday's episode, I have definitely not been replaying the clip over and over again in anticipation ahem. Anyway chapter 2. Hope you enjoy. Thanks again.

"Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one"
— Bruce Lee

Ian shut the door behind Emilie. He turned to a still silent Cal beside him. 'Sure you don't want to ride with us?'

Cal shakes his head, still seemingly in shock. He passes the blanket around his shoulders back to Ian but Ian pushes back 'mate you need it, for the shock.'

Cal exhales sharply but he knows, he's a doctor and he knows what shock looks like and what needs to be done for it and he grips the blanket back in his arms.

'I need to find Ethan' he finally offers, eyes hollow. Ian notes the way his eyes are surrounded by dark, dark circles. Cal looks destroyed and wrung out. And Ian has no idea how Ethan is or what the situation is here but there's clearly more going on than he's seen.

'Ok pal.' He offers, and hops back into the rig. 'We'll take her to Holby ok?'

'Look after her?' Cal asks quietly.

Ian nods, 'I promise I will.' And he means it.

Cal watches the ambulance as it grows smaller and smaller in the distance. He feels a thousand years older than the guy who drove it here a few hours ago.

'This is where it all began…' Ethan had said, lost in the story. Lost in the lie. Cal swallows down the grief. He doesn't want it to begin here. Doesn't want the final chapter of his brother's life to begin here, to begin now. His mind keeps replaying Ethan's expression when he'd opened the results, the smile, the frozen smile, how had he not known he was lying? How had he not known?

It's true Cal's always been a self involved person, he knows that he struggles sometimes to see passed his own issues but he does love his brother, and he knows his brother and he should have known that. Should have seen that heartbreak all over his baby brother's face. But he'd fallen for it, hook line and sinker, had allowed himself to feel this insane level of relief, this euphoric lifting of the dark cloud that had been hanging over him for months. The idea that both of them would be clear had been too much to hope for, even in his wildest dreams and in that moment he'd thought. Thank you. Thank you universe for giving us a break. Thank you for letting Ethan be ok.

It had been only right that the universe spare his brother, the most thoughtful, supportive, kindhearted individual he knew. Fate wouldn't be cruel to somebody as inherently good as Ethan. And that's what Cal had been comforted with as he listened to Ethan's story. Listened to the stoic, beautiful way he told that to Emilie.

But the universe wasn't good to people like Ethan was it? It chewed them up and spat them out and broke them into pieces and staring at those results, that was all Cal could think.

It's so unfair. It's just so unfair.

The ambulance disappears 'goodbye Mum' he offers quietly to Emilie. 'I'll take care of him ok?'

Then he makes his way down the boardwalk to face his little brother.

Charlie's worried about Ethan. He's more than worried about Ethan. He's downright horrified for the young man beside him who's whole life appears to have crashed down around his young shoulders. He can't let him see that though. Over the past few months he's developed a soft spot for these boys. Perhaps its the lack of fathering he's been able to succeed at with Louis but seeing them so desperately struggling and in need of guidance had sparked something in him. A paternal need to help.

Ethan's not shaking. Beneath the arm Charlie still has draped around his shoulders he's not shaking. That worries Charlie. Shock can be at its most severe when the patient stops shaking. Ethan is still and frozen beneath his arm. Charlie wants to take his pulse, it's the nurse in him he supposes.

Ethan doesn't seem to notice as he detangles his arm from around him and takes the young man's pulse. It's rapid and Charlie pulls the blanket more snug around his shoulders.

Suddenly there's a crunch in the sand behind him and Charlie turns.

Cal.

Cal doesn't know what to say. Confronted with the sight of his baby brother huddled under a blanket, a vacant look on his face, he's suddenly thrust instantly back to his childhood where a 2 year old Ethan stares up at him, desperate for him to fix his toy rabbit that was missing an ear. The same vacant look in his eye.

Cal can't fix anything this time. He can't just wrap his arms around Ethan and make the pain go away. Not this time. There's no fixing this. No fixing this horrendous disease that's destined to take his brother apart one way or another.

Cal steps around Charlie and just takes a look at his brother. Ethan might be sitting there physically but he looks mentally checked out. Cal's eyes immediately go to his chest and he's reassured to see the familiar breathing movement.

When Ethan was little he had a dangerously worrying way of holding his breath when he was upset. If he wanted his way, if he was hurting, he'd just sit there and hold his breath and his little face would turn redder and redder and you'd have to shake him hard to snap him out of it, it had scared Mum and Cal to no end. Their father had had no time for it and would simply shake Ethan aggressively till he snapped out of it but Cal and their Mom had often been left terrified and shaken by how far the little boy could go to clamp down on his feelings. To shut down.

It was a trait Ethan had long since grown out of but Cal still found himself watching Ethan when he was under stress and noticed the way he'd catch his breath for a moment and then swallow it down and continue. He never forgot it, the way Ethan's eyes would become vacant for a moment as he disappeared inside himself, took himself away along with the oxygen.

Cal's chest aches, deep and hard. Why couldn't it be him? Why couldn't he have been the one who tested positive. He'd have taken the result in a heartbeat if it meant Ethan was free of it. Ethan's the good one. Ethan's the one with the heart and the kindness and all the generosity. Cal deserves this. He deserves it more than Ethan. So much more. But life isn't like that. It's no kinder than the universe is. It doesn't reward the good guys. More often than not they're trampled all over and staring at the lost form of his little brother he's slapped right in the face with that fact.

Charlie looks over at him and Cal nods imperceptibly. He gets to his feet and moves away allowing Cal to move in. Cal slowly sits down next to his brother. He places an arm around his shoulder. Ethan doesn't move, doesn't react. He stares out at the sea. Lost, vacant.

Cal holds his breath like Ethan of old and wishes this wasn't happening. He's never been good at holding out though, at the endurance, has never been able to internalize and clamp down like Ethan has. Eventually his lungs scream and he has to breathe and as he opens his mouth to take a breath everything rushes back with the air. His body shakes and shakes and tears fall, leave wet trails on his cheeks. Ethan is silent beside him.

'Oh Ethan.' Cal offers. 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry'.

When they were small Ethan and Cal used to make these cardboard talking devices out of wrapping paper roles. They'd cut them up and talk to each other across their bedroom and they thought it was the most novel idea ever. It had been hours of amusement for two small boys. Cal being the oldest would get very bossy and snap at Ethan constantly on how to cut them into the right shape.

When he managed it with his pudgy child fingers he'd raise the cardboard to his ear and listen and Cal would speak through it and it would always be distorted, far away, clearly Cal, definitely his big brother but wrong somehow, pitch strange, distant. It's the same right now.

'I'm sorry' his brother is mumbling, 'i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry'. His body shakes next to Ethan but it sounds like he's far away. So, so far away.

Ethan hasn't got it in him to feel anything, to offer any comfort. He's numb. He's just numb. All the sorry's in the world isn't going to take this away. Cal's sorry, Charlie's sorry, everyone's sorry but Ethan's the one who lives and dies with this. Ethan's the exploded bomb that's detonated. He can't put the pin back in the grenade now, its already gone off and pieces of him are going to fly in all sorts of directions, he can feel it. Clamping down as hard as possible, he shuts down. He has to shut down.

He bites on his lip, he bites so hard it bleeds. 'I need to go' he finally manages. 'I need to go.'

Cal startles, tears streaming down his face. He looks haggard, lost, surprised Ethan has found his voice. 'Uh…ok, no, yeah we can go. We'll go and we'll figure everything out together ok? Ok buddy?'

Ethan just stares.

His big brother climbs to his feet, reaches down to help Ethan up. Ethan's on his feet. He pulls his arm from Cals. Manages two steps and the world tunnels and his legs give way.

'Ethan!'

'Whoa'

Charlie and Cal both move, grabbing his arms before he goes down completely.

He feels dizzy.

'What's wrong with him?' Cal panics, high pitched.

Charlie has a firm grip on his forearm. 'Shock'

Ethan scoffs. Shock? Of course he's shocked, but he's fine. He's numb, it's ok. He attempts to get up again. They hover and keep hold of his arms.

'I'm fine.'

Cal's wide eyed, pale, 'no you're not Ethan you just collapsed, Charlie I think we need the ambulance back here now, he could have…'

'Caleb! Stop!' Ethan shouts. 'Just stop. I'm fine, I'm cold, i just want to go.'

Charlie nods. 'Right lets just get him into my car ok? We'll check him out when we get back to Holby.'

Cal does not look appeased but he puts an arm around Ethan's waist and walks him towards the car. Slow and steady. 'Alright' he murmurs 'easy little brother…'

Ethan puts one foot in front of the other, he's back to feeling old again. His bones ache already, huntingtons? Or just because he's been sat so long on the cold beach? He doesn't know but he guesses this is his life now. The wondering, the constant guessing if this is it, if this is the beginning of the end?

Cal helps him into Charlie's car. He leans his head against the window as Cal wraps the blanket around him and he's suddenly hit with a mental image of his brother doing this in ten, twenty years time when Ethan's so far gone he doesn't recognize himself anymore. Well he doesn't want that. He doesn't want Cal giving up his life for him. He doesn't want any of this. He won't let that happen. He'll never let that happen. He just needs to think. He needs to think and go through his options. Because there are some. There are still some available to him.

Cal's saying something. It doesn't sound right, sounds distorted again. Ethan, sick and dizzy, closes his eyes. He shuts down again.

They arrive at Holby as the sky darkens and Cal steals another worried glance Ethan's way. He's spent the entire journey in total silence and Cal's not sure if he's even awake. He's held Ethan's wrist repeatedly and checked his pulse, still deeply concerned about the shock.

His heart had been in his mouth when Ethan had dropped, like a puppet with its strings cut. Just another item to add to his list of big brotherly failings today, failure to realize he was in medical shock.

Cal had attempted to talk to his brother several times but he'd been met with total silence and Cal and Charlie had exchanged worried glances in the mirror and other than Charlie checking in on what Ethan's pulse rate was like they'd spent the drive in relative silence.

Charlie pulls the car into a space and Cal leans over to his brother. He needs the contact. 'Ethan?' he questions gently. Placing a hand on his shoulder. 'Hey buddy, we're here.'

Ethan looks spaced out still, but he moves. Moves to get the door handle and Cal puts a hand out. 'Whoa, i'll get it ok?'

He's out of the car and around his brother's side, helping him out in a minute. Charlie flanks Ethan's other side and they make their way into the hospital. Connie spots them as soon as they walk in, she looks furious and makes a move forward until she must see something in Charlie's eyes and her expression changes instantly. She moves forward, slower now, more controlled, questioning.

'Ethan?' she asks, noticing the way Cal and Charlie are supporting his brother, the blanket draped around his shoulders. The glazed look in his eye.

Cal feels a rush of protectiveness and he tightens his hand around Ethan's waist. 'He's fine Mrs Beauchamp' he tells her. Shutting down her questions. 'We've just had a bit of a shock that's all.'

Her eyes search Cal's and he feels microscoped. Charlie silently meets her eyes and shakes his head. 'We've got this Connie, thanks'.

It's not often Connie is put in her place but she seems to respect Charlie and she nods. 'Call me if you need assistance Dr Knight'.

Cal tightens his hold on Ethan and walks him to a cubicle. He manoeuvres him to sit on the bed as Charlie gets another blanket. Ethan's still staring. He jolts though when Cal starts to undo the top button of his collar. 'What are you doing?'

Cal grips his brother's fingers. 'Come on Ethan, you know the deal with shock mate.' They both know that one of the first responses is to loosen clothing. It's a testament to the level of shock Ethan's in that he not only doesn't acknowledge this but seems confused by it.

'I'm fine'. He says back, tone clipped. 'I'm fine Caleb. I'm just cold.'

Sure. The fast pulse rate and the near collapse and the deathly pallor all agree with that lie. Cal's about to dispute his little brother's claim when Charlie nods his head to the curtain. Cal gets the code. He puts a hand on Ethan's shoulder. 'I'm going to grab you something sweet to drink ok, i'll be right back Ethan.' He pulls the blanket tighter around his little brother.

Ethan's back to staring again but at least he doesn't move. He sits quietly. Cal goes out to Charlie.

'What?'

He and Charlie make their way to the vending machine.

'We need to be careful how we tread here Cal' Charlie says and Cal knows he has years of experience with patients, and he knows their issues inside and out but this isn't just a patient it's Cal's little brother god damn it. This is Ethan and Cal can't just go by the book here.

'I know that Charlie, do you think I don't know that?'

Charlie puts his hands up placatingly.

'Sorry' Cal offers, 'I'm sorry I just…I'm having trouble getting my head around all this you know? I mean it's Ethan, it's my brother Charlie and he's going to…he's got…and I'm going to have to watch him slowly die like she did. And I can't…I…I can't Charlie…how do i…' he can't finish, tears blur his vision once more and he feels short of breath and light headed.

'Hey, hey! It's ok Cal' Charlie says and places a hand on his arm, moves him so he's leaning against the vending machine. 'Let it out ok? Let it out here because you're going to need to be strong for him back there alright?'

Cal heaves in air and squeezes his eyes shut tight.

'Just let it go' Charlie says gently. 'You're allowed to feel cheated, you've been through a huge shock today. Both of you.'

Cal brings his hands up to his face and tries to force the tears to stay in his eyes. He can't fall apart, he can't do this, not while Ethan's not shed a single tear since their mother died. He doesn't have the luxury to fall apart on him now.

Charlie puts his arms around him though and Cal can't help himself. He can't stop it. He grips the older man's scrubs and sobs, muffled, jolting sobs into his shoulder. Why did this have to happen? Why is the universe so intent on screwing him and Ethan over? First their mother, then Taylor, then Matilda, then their birth mother and now a god damned degenerative disease? How is this fair? How was any of this fair?

Not for the first time Cal curses his absent father for being their first link in the chain of bad luck and walking out on them. Damn him. Damn him to hell.

Feeling Charlie's arms around him, he's reminded not for the first time how nice it would have been to have had a dad who held him like this when times went to hell.

There's no point in thinking of him though. It only ever brought him misery. No he needs to be strong for Ethan now. He needs to hold him the way Charlie's holding Cal. Needs to be the one who stops looking to Ethan for constant support. Ethan's always been his safety net but Cal needs to return the favour this time. He needs to step up and be Ethan's big brother here.

Because Ethan is going to need him and he's not going to admit that. Cal knows his brother, knows how many years Ethan's spent looking out for his mom and then Cal, how strong his little brother is, how fierce in his unwavering support and steady hand. Well that hand isn't going to be steady for long and that kills Cal inside, but Cal can step up. Cal can be there, he can let Ethan rage and rail against this illness, can let his brother take it out on him or with him, he'll be there when Ethan crashes and when he needs picking up. Ethan isn't used to leaning on anyone but Cal needs to make sure he knows he can lean on him this time, that he doesn't need to be the strong one anymore.

Face still pressed into Charlie's shoulder, chest still heaving he makes Ethan a silent promise. 'I'm your safety net now i promise you Ethan, I promise you'. He pulls himself together. He straightens up, thanks Charlie and turns back to the vending machine. Ethan needs something sweet, it's good for shock. He pulls out some change and keys in the code for a can. Charlie presses for 2.

'You need something as well Cal' he tells him and Cal is startled to see his own hands are still shaking. He nods. Opens one and swallows down a fizzy, sweet mouthful. He feels a little better already. Ok. Ok he can do this now. One step at a time. Get this to Ethan, see him through the shock, then both home to sleep. Then in the morning they'll talk through where their heads are at, he'll be whatever Ethan needs him to be. He can do this.

He and Charlie fall into step and head back, and Cal straightens himself, steels himself for the big brother show, for the role he now needs to completely embody for Ethan. He can do this. He can. He can be the support, the safety net now. He can.

He pulls back the curtain.

Ethan is gone.