Three Potato
Men find Mary Sues to be utterly intoxicating.
"Friends with Draco Malfoy, are you?" Hermione asked in more of a flat tone of accusation than a question.
Ron turned to Harry, "Of all the girls you could snog in a storage cupboard, you find the one girl at this school that likes that prat?"
Valore, finished listening to the allegations against her, broke in, "First of all, you just met me and have no right to judge my actions. Second, exactly what makes you think I enjoyed that? I'm going to have to boil my hand in water before I get the slime off! And third, we were not snogging," she ended in an irritated hiss.
This seemed to baffle Ron and he looked to Hermione for help, who seemed just as mystified herself.
Valore lowered her voice, "Look, I can't talk here and I can't very well stuff you all in that closet so we're going to drop the subject for now. I'm going to go down there and in about twenty minutes I want you," she pointed a finger at Harry, "to make an excuse to leave, drag Ron and Neville with you, and come to find me. Play along with me, Harry. I need you're help-you remember what I said before?"
Harry, though not entirely clear on what was transpiring, nodded and Hermione transferred her withering glare from Valore to him.
"Good." She started down the hallway but stopped and turned back again, "By the way, whatever you do, don't hit Malfoy." She didn't wait for affirmation and disappeared down the hallway in the direction Malfoy had gone.
Hermione rounded on Harry, "What was that all about?"
"Not really sure," he answered honestly.
"Really, Harry," Hermione said, clearly disturbed by the whole incident, "taking up with a girl like that."
"Seriously, it wasn't what you think! I wasn't 'taking up' with her!" Harry checked the time on his wristwatch.
"You're not actually going through with this!" Hermione screeched. "What does she want you to do—why does she need Ron and Neville?"
"I think," Harry fought for an answer, "Some strange girl shows up from America and wants us to do stuff..."
"Because that makes a load of sense," Hermione used her toe-tapping tone.
Harry rolled his eyes incredulously, "She knew things…things she shouldn't have and I want to find out how."
"Things?" Ron supplied. "What things?"
"She knows about the Order for one," Harry responded with a shrug of his shoulders, conveniently avoiding the fact that she also seemed to know more about his parents than one would expect.
"The Order?" Hermione frowned, concern evident. "How would an American know about the Order of the Phoenix?"
"Dumbledore must have told her. She said she'd talked to him."
"Hermione's right," Ron stuck up for his girlfriend, "anyone who lets Draco Malfoy touch her hand should be considered dodgy."
"C'mon," Harry grunted and began walking toward their compartment, "let's go sit back down. This is gonna be a long train ride."
Eighteen minutes of strained conversation and frequent wristwatch checking slowly ticked by before Neville finally brought up the subject of the missing Valore. "Been in the loo an awfully long time, hasn't she?"
"You're right, Neville," Harry said seizing the opportunity, "maybe we should go look for her."
This statement wasn't quite what Neville had expected to hear. He really didn't know what he had expected, to be honest, but it certainly hadn't been that. "In the loo?"
"Yes, maybe we should," Ron nodded his head with a strange grin. "She could have fallen in." Hermione let out a snort of laughter that she didn't bother trying to cover up.
"C'mon, Neville," Harry demanded tugging on Neville's sleeve.
"But we can't! We're boys, we can't go into the girls lavatory! Make Luna go. Or Hermione!"
"Neville brought it up," Ron said looking pointedly at Hermione, who didn't need any prompting to stay out of the discussion, "Neville can help." He took Trevor from Neville's hands and sat the toad on Luna's propped up knee while Harry grabbed Neville by the sleeve of his knitted jumper and pulled him out the door.
"Oi!" Neville cried out. "No—the loo's the other way!"
Valore, in the meantime, had been walking along in the direction Malfoy had left; so far she had been unsuccessful in locating him. She had found a group of younger students playing a game of Exploding Snap, a compartment full of second year girls, a gaggle of first year girls giggling maniacly, and a boy levitating after eating a Fizzing Whizbee. It wasn't until two cars down from where they had met that she finally found the object of her search sitting with two other boys who resembled apes more than humans—one of which had been the one to shove her into the train's wall. As Valore watched through the compartment window, they seemed to be deep in hushed conversation and the two gorillas laughed stupidly at something Malfoy had said. Knowing this to be her only available moment, Valore took a deep breath and slid the door open without bothering to knock.
Malfoy turned at the sound. He gave his two goons a look that plainly told Valore he had already instructed them to leave if she came to call. She watched them leave in single file down the narrow hallway (which they completely filled shoulder to shoulder) to make sure they were out of earshot and pulled the door closed and the covers over the windows.
"Mr. Malfoy," she said in a sweet, singsong voice as he stood to greet her. She felt the shivers of annoyance run up her spine as his cold hand took hers and graced it with the presence of his lips.
"Draco, please."
She smiled her sugary smile and repressed the urge to smack him with her now wet hand. "I hope you don't think me too bold to visit you like this."
Malfoy smirked, "I rather like bold."
"I'm glad," she continued to grin stupidly at him, "so do I. Then you won't mind me saying the description of you that was given to me hardly does you justice."
Malfoy's ego flared expectedly. "You're American. You've heard of me overseas then?" he asked, motioning for her to sit beside him, which she accepted. "How is that?"
"I wasn't exaggerating when I said I'd heard of you. Your father's reputation does extend outside of Europe." She saw a curious suspicion cross his pale eyes at the mention of Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy's father and currently locked up in Azkaban for being a known Death Eater. "I'll be honest in saying I have ulterior motives for wanting to meet you, Draco." She fingered the knot in his forest green and silver striped tie suggestively, trying to keep his attention focused directly on her instead of whatever suspicions he might be creating. "I want to help you," she gave the knot in his tie a small tug as if to straighten it.
She worried that perhaps she was coming on too strong but the small gesture seemed to have had the effect she was wanting because his eyes had changed from suspicion to another kind of dangerous luster. "Help me?" he asked with a suggestive eyebrow raised. "Are you sure you can help me?"
Valore chuckled lightly under her breath. "I try anything at least once…twice if I liked it," she replied and mocked him with her own eyebrow gesture.
"And how do you plan to help me?" He moved his hand as if to touch her arm but she noticed and stood from her seat, out of reach.
Valore strategically changed her voice to be colder than before, adopting a more confident, business-like manner. "Here's the plan." She rested her back casually against the train's large window. "I get myself sorted into Gryffindor, become friends with Harry Potter and his cronies, and report back to you with anything that I hear. That's it-pretty easy really."
Despite her attempts to distance herself from him while in a cramped train compartment, Malfoy stood and followed her to the window. It was only half a step but it was enough to get him closer than she really wanted. "And if I refuse your offer?"
"Then you miss out on a chance at Potter, Gryffindor, and that idiot Dumbledore." She tried to sneak in as much disgust as she could muster and lazily examined her fingernails with bored interest.
His usual sneer crossed his face upon understanding what she was proposing to do for him. "What's in it for you?"
Her toothy smile returned, "Simply the pleasure of being in your service. I'll be doing this whether or not you want any part of it, just thought you would want in on it. So it would be to your advantage to take it while you can. My only demand is that you tell absolutely no one, of course. Obviously, if anybody found out about me it would defeat the whole purpose."
"And what if Potter does find out?"
"Then I'll be forced to admit I'd been passing along information to you," she carelessly shrugged her shoulders at the consequences of such a mundane thing happening. "Of course, then Gryffindor would no longer be a safe place for me and I might require you to protect me," she grinned through an obviously fake pout.
Valore wondered where everybody was; it seemed they were taking an awfully long time getting to her. "I'm going to have to do some serious damage control for my behaviour in the hallway. They think I'm some sort of head case now for even speaking to you. I was afraid you wouldn't agree to see me because I was with that twit when I met you. But I was so eager to meet you and when I saw you...I wasn't sure if I'd get another chance before we arrived at Hogwarts so I took the opportunity when I had it."
She took a moment to flash him a playful grin. "From what I gathered, you and Harry aren't the best of friends, to say the least, and Slytherins aren't exactly friendly with Gryffindors anyway. You would never have agreed to speak to me after I was already sorted." Valore thought she might be overloading on the complements but Malfoy seemed to suck them up like a dry sponge abandoned in the Mojave. "Now, I'm going to have to make up a story about why I'm in here with you because people are bound to see me leave."
"You don't have to leave, you know," he stepped in close to her, causing Valore to plaster herself as close to the wall as she could possibly get.
"Tempting as that sounds, people might think we're up to something."
He stepped in, closing whatever possible gap there was between them, "Aren't we?"
Valore smiled and cocked her head to one side, her recklessly improvised plan now taking on its full effect, "Nobody but us is supposed to know that." She put her hands to his chest and played with a silver pin engraved with a P that was attached to his robes. She was beginning to lose faith that Harry would be coming and berated herself for thinking for a moment that he really would. "You haven't answered me yet," she tried to look at him as though she could hardly restrain herself from passionately attacking him. "Do we have a deal?"
His unspoken but clear answer came in the form of pressing her against the window with the full weight of his body and she felt his hands on her hips. She didn't like the way his grey eyes searched hers and he was uncomfortably close but it was too late. He was the key and Valore knew she couldn't back down now; she was too involved and the last thing she needed was for her lies to surface themselves. She could feel her breakfast churning threateningly in her stomach but pretended to enjoy his closeness.
He'd begun lowering his mouth inches from hers when she stopped him with a finger to his lips.
She looked around him to the closed compartment door, "Did you hear that?"
"Vht?" he said through her finger.
"I heard something." The sound came again. She heard Harry's voice faintly in the hallway. "It's Potter!" She gratefully pushed him off her and he landed with a plop on the seat below. "Damn it, they've come looking for me!" She paced the small area, pretending to try to invent a good story for her being in Malfoy's compartment.
Ron and Harry's unmistakable voices were indeed coming closer. Malfoy watched her pace the small bit of floor in front of him, shocked at having been shoved aside like a worn shoe and denied his intended pleasure. "Why would Potter think to look for you here? He's not the brightest torch on the wall, you know?"
"No…no, he's smarter than you give him credit for," she absently waggled a finger at him and continued to pace the tiny bit of walking space while he watched her finger with an unnerved amazement as though nobody had ever before dared to correct him in such a dismissive manner. "I've got an idea," she exclaimed brightly and clapped her hands together excitedly. "I'll need your help on this one. Oh, this is going to be fun!"
Valore grabbed Malfoy by the hand, pulled him to her, and directed him how to stand.
"YOU LEAVE MY FAMILY OUT OF THIS, MALFOY," she said loudly toward the door. Then in a quick whisper, "Now Draco, you hold onto my wrist like that—there you go—no tighter, you need to leave marks on me—ouch—no, don't let go…Now he's going to think he's saving me from you and then I'll be Potter's newest best friend," she smiled at him as if this was the best fun she'd had in ages.
Then in a loud voice again, "DON'T TOUCH ME! No, Draco, don't let go of me, and act mean like I'd just threatened you. This has to look real or it won't work. I'm going to struggle with you okay? Oh, my wand!"
"Over here," came Harry's muffled voice.
She took her free hand and placed her wand into the hand Malfoy was holding, adding the finishing touch. "Potter likes to play the hero, yeah? Let's make him one for today," she gave Malfoy another sadistic smile and he returned it with one of his own when he finally understood what she was thinking.
She saw their shadowy silhouettes through the window coverings as they gathered by the door. "It's show time," the darkness of her eyes glinted with cruel eagerness.
Valore screwed her up face and produced a set of brimming tears. "I SAID LET GO OF ME," she plead franticly with him and began trying to wrench herself from his grasp but he only tightened his grip, causing her to cry out in pain.
The door flung open and Neville entered first, followed by Harry. Malfoy released her wrist when he was sure they had seen him restraining her and she fell backward, landing hard on the floor. Neville came to pick her up and she was holding her painfully throbbing arm.
"What the hell are you doing to her Malfoy?" Harry demanded, his wand at the ready. He looked at Valore who looked back at him through tear-filled eyes.
"What am I doing? Ask her! She attacked me!"
Harry stepped aside when Ron came in with his wand aimed at Malfoy and stood behind Neville.
"I can recognize a Malfoy when I see one, even if it is behind a mask!" Valore's voice wobbled terribly and tears were now successfully streaming freely down her face.
Malfoy took his cue from her and spat, "Be careful, girl, you're lucky you had your hero here to protect you. Of course, you would want to know what happened the last time Potter wanted to be a hero. You might reconsider who you choose as friends."
He'd directed this last statement to Harry who became red with anger. Valore saw Harry's mounting temper, "This isn't over Draco Malfoy!" she attempted to redirect Harry's focus to herself. "You'll pay for what your father did to my family!"
"Your family was filth! They deserved everything they got," he retorted nastily.
Valore angrily lunged at Malfoy but Neville only tightened his grasp on her and Harry noticed the darkness of her eyes had lost all their warmth, replaced with a vicious coldness. Malfoy, in startled reaction, had backed up to the window away from her attempts to tear his skin off with her bare hands. She tried desperately to free herself from Neville's grasp but he held on strong.
Malfoy smirked at her. "You should check into St. Mungo's, Bloom. That's where they keep all the mental cases around here. Isn't that right Longbottom?"
Neville almost dropped her as he made his way toward Malfoy, intending to make him bleed. Malfoy, seeing that he was about to be attacked physically by someone that wasn't pretending to hate him, instinctively backed as far as he could from Neville and held his arms up to his face.
"Neville, no!" Valore grabbed onto his arm and pulled back with all her might. She tried to use her other hand to help restrain him but cried out as pain flooded her bruised wrist. Neville heard her yelp and immediately backed off, unintentionally knocking her into Ron who caught her under the arms.
Ron dragged Valore out by holding under her arms and managed to grab hold of Neville's sleeve. Valore, on her way to being dragged out the door latched onto the back of Harry's shirt and yanked him out with her.
Sticking his head through the now empty doorway, Draco Malfoy watched them leave down the hall, a sobbing Valore let Neville support her along the way until they passed through to the next car. Various other curious heads had appeared from the other compartments to see what all the commotion was. He sneered at them, "Show's over," and slid his own compartment door shut with a bang. He had to admit she was a good actor.
As they entered the next car, Valore promptly sucked in her fake tears and stood up straight. "I thought that went rather well, don't you?" she grinned at Harry. "Obviously, don't say anything to anybody about knowing what's going on and let the rumors start circling. Plenty of people heard our little argument so it should be easy enough. What took you so long anyway?"
"Ran into Crabbe and Goyle," answered Harry. "Valore, you might want to explain before Neville explodes," he jerked a thumb at Neville who was a slight shade of puce.
"Wouldn't mind hearing this myself," Ron grumbled under his breath.
"Oh, Neville, I'm so sorry," she said sincerely and put a hand to his shoulder. "I couldn't tell you what was going on because you would have reacted the wrong way."
Neville was busy staring at Valore and Harry in confusion, "You mean—The loo—You weren't—You knew?!"
"Yeah, I kinda knew," Harry said apologetically, "but I swear I didn't know what she had planned."
"Mind telling us why Malfoy had his hands on you and why we couldn't hit him for it," Ron demanded, his ears gone bright scarlet.
"I'll tell you later—"
"You'll tell us now," insisted Ron.
"Oh fine, but shut up about it would you!" she growled impatiently. "He wasn't really hurting me. I staged the fight between us to make Malfoy think that you thought that you saved me from his evil clutches even though you really weren't."
Ron blinked.
"Well, actually you really were. I don't think I could have stood another moment with that worm without blowing everything. Now, he thinks that you think that I tried to attack him but he doesn't know that you know that I staged the whole thing."
Both Ron and Harry blinked.
"Say that again," Harry challenged.
Valore thought for a second, "I don't think I could if I wanted to."
"That makes no sense," reflected a mystified Ron.
"For Heaven's sake, Ron, I'll draw you a diagram sometime, but after we get to Hogwarts. Now not another word about it!"
"No," Harry stepped forward, "we're not done yet. If you wanted to start a fight, why did you say not to hit him?"
Valore sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, "Okay, follow me here. What better way could you find to spy on Death Eaters than to be the friend of a Death Eater's son, right? I want Malfoy to think I'm his friend. If Draco Malfoy is anything like what I thought—which he seems to be because he eats up complements like the desert eats rain—he will want what he thinks is most profitable for him. What would be most profitable for him would be the ability to spy on Gryffindor. I made him believe I can be his mole. I am now friends with Draco Malfoy. What would not have been profitable for him would be having my new friends barge in and beat the snot out of him. He would have felt resentment toward me and that wouldn't have been very good. Do you see why I wanted to talk about this later?"
Ron's inevitable argument was quashed when the train car door swished open, the sound of metal train wheels crashing on tracks becoming louder and softer with the closing of the door. Valore immediately turned to bury her face into the nearest body, which happened to be Neville's chest, and sobbed violently. Neville, not really knowing what to do, stared down awkwardly at the body that had latched onto him and stiffly put his hands on her back and patted her.
"Keira," Harry managed to tear his eyes off Valore.
"Hi, Harry," but it wasn't Harry she was interested in. "I heard what happened—I was in the next room over," she put a hand to Valore's shoulder. "Are you okay, sweetie?"
Valore nodded into Neville's stomach and wailed, "Draco Malfoy is a monster," and finished off with a well timed sniffle.
Unable to resist it any longer, Ron growled, "Okay, that's it," and stomped away from the chaos back toward their compartment, "even in her worst moments, Hermione's less cracked than you lot."
"What's up with him?" Keira jerked a disgusted thumb at Ron's departing form.
"He—er—" Harry stammered to find an excuse, "he hates Malfoy too? Hey, Keira, now would be a good time to get with you and the others."
This seemed to be enough to pull her away from Valore's imaginary breakdown because she immediately brightened at his words, "Yeah! Okay, we're right down here," and put her hand on the car door.
"Neville," Harry said before following her out, "you're not going to tell somebody about this, yeah?"
Neville shook his head and looked down at Valore still latched around his middle, "I don't think I could explain this to anybody." Harry smiled apologetically and followed Keira into the next car.
"Sorry 'bout that," Valore uncurled herself from him and meant to straighten out his now wrinkly clothes, "didn't mess you up too bad, did I?"
Thanks for reading Chapter 3 of Small Potatoes. Hope you're enjoying. Please leave a review.