Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. Stephenie Meyer owns anything and everything relating to Twilight. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended and in order to keep it that way, No reproduction, copying, reposting, downloading, or any kind of redistribution of this story is allowed. This is to cover my arse as much as yours! And finally, the Original characters, plot, names, nicknames, songs, poems—anything I created from my very own brain—are all the property of the author of this fanfic, My-Bella. Unauthorized use of the material is plagiarism so please be kind and don't steal my creations.
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Chapter 32 – When The Right Thing Hurts
Thursday, July 3rd
"Not hungry?" Masen asked having noticed Bella's lunch was mostly untouched.
"Still kind of full from breakfast." She was leaning against him with her head on his shoulder, the tip of her nose and the apples of her cheeks the only parts visible to him.
At first he'd taken her silence for tiredness but now he was wondering if there might be more to it. They had been out in the sun for hours before taking a break for lunch; her skin didn't have any redness from sunburn but that didn't mean she wasn't feeling the effects of a little heat exhaustion.
"You sure it's not the sun getting to you?" he asked. "Want me to grab my hat for you after we're done eating?"
Alice interrupted before Bella could answer him. "Bella, what time is it?"
"I don't know." Her voice sounded a bit sleepy and he knew she'd woken up a couple times last night so maybe it was just normal tiredness affecting her.
Alice rolled her eyes at her sister. "Look at your watch, silly. I want to know if I have enough time to call Uncle Carlisle."
"You have time. Go call him."
"You better make sure. I don't want your boyfriend there getting mad at me for running late."
Masen swallowed his food and flipped his wrist to look at this watch. "We've got fifteen minutes left of lunch. Go make your call, Thumper."
Alice didn't move from her spot across the table. "Bella, what's wrong? Did I make you mad or something?" Her entire body froze and then her eyes widened. "Did something happen to Daddy's watch?"
"The watch is fine, Alice. Go make your phone call."
"Prove it. Show it to me," Alice challenged.
With an annoyed sigh, Bella quickly pulled her hand from under the table to prove the watch was fine. But she wasn't quick enough putting it away and Alice spotted her wrist seconds before Masen did.
"Bella!" she screeched as she held tightly to her sister's fingers, keeping the reddened skin above and below the watch in full view.
Masen gently but firmly pulled away Alice's hand and then removed the watch from Bella's wrist. Her skin was beyond red—it had been rubbed raw to the point of bleeding in a few areas.
Alice's cry had pulled Whit and Gopher away from their dish duty in the kitchen and had gotten Lee to put her book down and get off the couch. All three looked at Bella's wrist and then to Masen.
"Bella, what—" That was as far as Alice got before Masen shut her up by pointing a finger at her.
"Not another word," he warned. The last thing Bella needed was to have her sister scolding her or using this as a reason to go home. It was just an accident, a by-product of anxiety—nothing more.
Still holding Bella's wrist, he nudged her to get out of the booth.
"I'm sorry." Even if he'd missed the sadness in Bella's voice, there was no way he could have missed it in her eyes.
He forced a smile for her, not wanting her to feel any worse than she already did. He knew she hadn't fully accepted yet that her anxiety wasn't going to get her sent home. He also knew from experience the embarrassment she felt for not being able to stop herself from twisting the watch.
"Let's get you patched up," he said, letting go of her arm so she could get to her feet.
They went downstairs with Whit to the room he used as a medic station. He had Bella sit on one of the two rolling stools and prop her arm on the counter while he pulled out all the supplies he felt he'd need.
Masen stood beside her, rubbing her shoulders to comfort her while wracking his brain for ideas on how to handle this.
It was too much too soon.
He wished he'd realized that truth before Bella had twisted her watch one too many times. He'd been vigilant about checking in with her, asking how she was doing. Then again, he hadn't realized when it had been him with his watch in Whit's hospital room. He glanced down at the scar on his wrist, remembering how irritated he'd felt with himself about it. He also remembered what it had taken to stop himself from doing it again.
Bella was different, though. She was stronger in so many ways. And just because her anxiety had bested her this time didn't mean it would happen again.
As her mentor, as head of MMR, you know you can't take that chance.
"I'm sorry." Bella's voice got him out of his head and he smiled at her, hoping to reassure her.
"It'll be fine. Whit will get you patched up and we'll get back to work."
"It doesn't even really hurt. I just …" She blew out a breath and repeated his words, "It'll be fine."
This time Whit was the one to respond. "Don't worry about it, Guppy. Honestly, I should be thanking you. I'm usually practicing my skills on the CPR dummy, but with you around I'm getting plenty of hands-on application."
She sniffled and tried to smile as twins tears fell from eyes. Masen wiped them away and then pressed his lips against her temple, wishing he knew what to say to comfort her. She didn't need to feel guilty on top of her frustration and pain.
I'll have to change things up some. Get her to take a step back and absolutely make sure she understands it's temporary, he thought as he watched Whit use a Q-tip to carefully clean the areas where her skin had broken open from the constant rubbing of her watch against her wrist.
The past two days of complete focus on the Great Whites with Bella as a spotter and then helping to review the still and video footage for the daily reports … She wasn't used to that much exposure, to fighting her natural reaction to them for that long. Her anxiety had quickly gotten the best of her and now she had a raw wrist with a smattering of superficial cuts.
"I'm interrupting," Bella said, sighing heavily and shifting on the stool to put space between herself and Masen. "We should be done with lunch and getting back to work."
"We've got plenty of daylight left," Whit assured her. "Besides, I'm almost done. Just got a little more cleaning to do and then I'm gonna spray your wrist with this antibiotic solution and wrap it with gauze. You'll be ready to go in under ten minutes. Five if you keep still."
"Sorry." She fidgeted again even as she said it, once again putting space between her body and Masen's.
He swallowed down the aggravation he felt at being pushed away, reminding himself that it wasn't personal. She was just trying to prove to herself she was strong enough to get through this, to keep going.
Or maybe she has an idea of what you're about to do, he said to himself.
I can't just take it from her, though. There had to be a way to let her keep it with her and also keep it from being able to hurt her. He just had to figure out what it was.
Putting it on the other wrist would just end up giving her two raw wrists.
She's not going to put it in her pocket and risk having it fall out.
The image of his camera floating on top of the water came to him then and he smiled, knowing just what to do.
"I'll be right back. I've just got to check on something." He was out of the room in a flash and practically jumping down the stairs to get to the lower deck.
He found the large plastic bin with the balls and the thin, white rope that had been used to keep his camera afloat on the water's surface. If her watch was in her pocket and tied to her shorts, then it couldn't accidentally get lost.
He used his hands to measure out a decent length of rope and then pulled his pocket knife from his cargo shorts to cut it. He took his rope up to the kitchen and used the burner on the stove to set the cut end on fire. He quickly blew it out, wanting to just singe the end to prevent fraying.
"What in the hell are you doing?"
He turned to find Lee on the couch with her book in her hands once again. "Preventing fraying," he said, showing her the rope.
"I have the strongest feeling that's for Bella."
"It's the best I could come up with on the fly."
"What exactly are you thinking?" she asked, sitting up and putting her book down.
"I can't ask her to part with it, not completely. Her confidence is already shaky and that would just make it worse."
"You're not going to let her wear the watch while working. You know you can't."
"I know."
Lee must have heard in his voice how much this was eating at him. "You don't have a choice, Mase. This is absolutely a safety first issue."
"I know."
"And I know that doesn't make it feel any less shitty. I wish I knew a way to help."
"Actually, if you could keep her sister away from her for an hour or two, just give me some time to build her confidence back up. She just needs to see it's a setback, not a failure."
"She also needs to realize this is the first time she's been one hundred percent focused on sharks in her work with us. We've had a lot of unexpected breaks with the other crew and the weather, not to mention her downtime from the ray incident. This much exposure at once would be a lot for anyone, but especially someone with her history."
"All things I plan to point out to her once I'm sure she's in the right frame of mind to listen."
"Good. And while you're getting her there, I'll be keeping Thumper occupied. Bella's pretty good at knowing her limits and admitting to them so I doubt she's going to want to continue being a spotter today. What do you think about me taking over for Bella and then having Alice in charge of the clipboard, writing down the number of sharks spotted, estimated length, and time of day? She can help without having to look at the sharks. Last thing we need is to have her freak out while Bella's already feeling vulnerable."
"That should work," Masen said with a nod. He couldn't have expressed how relieved he was to know Lee understood and was ready to help. Her earlier reluctance with Bella had been partly his fault so he was happy to see it wasn't affecting their new friendship.
" … not to get it wet." Whit's voice put an end to Masen and Lee's conversation and they both smiled as Whit and Bella came into view.
"As soon as we're done for the day," Whit continued, "… have Masen help you take it off, clean it, and then put a light coat of antibiotic ointment over it."
Bella nodded at Whit and then stopped in front of Masen. Her injured wrist was wrapped in crisp, white gauze and her watch was wrapped around the fingers of her other hand. He took a deep breath, readying himself for what he had to do.
"Guppy—"
"No." She said it urgently and full of demand. "Not with what you're about to say."
Taking her into his arms, he held her tightly and hoped it gave her at least a tiny bit of comfort. "Kapu, I have to do what's best for everyone. I know you understand that, just as I know it doesn't make this any easier on you."
"Just say it so we can get this part over."
He held her tighter, knowing that saying it quickly wasn't going to make it hurt any less. "You can't wear your watch on your wrist while working."
He felt a tap on his hand and looked up to see Lee holding the piece of rope out to him. He gave her a grateful smile as he took it.
"I have an idea on how you can keep it with you, though," he said to Bella as he slipped the watch from her fingers and into the palm of his hand.
He knelt in front of her, slid the rope through the watch, put the watch into the pocket of Bella's shorts, then fed the rope through her belt loops and tied the ends together at her hip. And to make sure she understood she wasn't alone in any part of this, he took off his own watch and handed it to Whit. "If you can't wear yours, I can't wear mine," he told her as he stood, wondering how she was going to react.
She looked for a second like she was going to say something and then she was hugging him harder than she ever had before. Her voice was a shaky whisper, "I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything. We can just go back to work and you and I can talk in private later. Or if you want to talk about it now, I'll hand the reigns over to Whit."
"I want to go back to work, but not as a spotter. And not permanently. Just not for the rest of today."
"Alright. Lee will be spotter and you can work with Gopher, help him keep an eye on the time and the oxygen in our tanks. Unless you want to work inside."
"No, I want to still be on deck."
"Then you work with Gopher the rest of the day. We'll talk tonight."
"Alice?"
"She'll work with Lee the rest of the day. Give you some time to think before you talk with her."
Bella nodded and then pulled back, covering the bulge in her pocket with her hand. "Thank you for this. You could have had me leave it in my room. Taking the time to figure this out … Thank you."
"You said you wanted to be rewarded for being with me so here you go." His smart ass comment got a surprised laugh out of her.
"I didn't think it was possible to laugh today but here you are to prove me wrong."
"Oh, please!" Lee said, putting an arm around Bella's shoulders. "Don't tell him shit like that. He already has enough trouble fitting his body and ego through the door at the same time."
Whit snorted while Masen rolled his eyes and Bella pressed her lips together to keep from laughing.
"You know it's true, Mase," Lee insisted.
"I know it's time to get back to work. You three get on deck while I grab Gopher and Thumper," Masen ordered.
He made a move toward the helm, having heard Gopher's voice coming from that direction, but was stopped by Bella grabbing his arm. "Thank you," she said softly and earnestly.
He pulled her into his arms for one more hug and a quick kiss, feeling that this wasn't a complete fix but still a damn good patch.
"~~~^~~~~^~~~^~~~~^~~~^~~~~^"
Bella stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, her conviction wavering at the sight of the dark circles under her eyes. Am I really doing what I should? Or am I putting myself and everyone else at risk? Should I have more control by this point? There are changes, I have seen them. But are they enough? Am I strong enough for this or has everything up to this point just been stubbornness?
She blew out a breath and lowered her head as she gripped the edge of the sink tighter. She was pissed and she hadn't been really, truly pissed in a long time. Especially not with her own self. She usually felt like she was doing her best, giving things her all. But tonight, thinking of how she'd let the team down and looking at her injured wrist …
She lifted her head and glared at her reflection. "No. The nightmares don't get to win. The anxiety doesn't get to win. I don't care if it's strength or stubbornness. I can do this. I will do this. I want my life to be more than this. And it's just like Whit said … No risk, no reward."
A knock on the door was followed by Alice's voice. "Bella? Are you done yet? I traded bathroom slots with Whit. I can't take being sweaty another second. Please tell me you're done."
Bella smiled and she even laughed a little upon hearing her sister's foot tap against the hallway floor. She gathered her things together and opened the door with the hope that her sister would be too worried about a shower to comment on her wrist.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now get out." Alice pushed her into the hall and then slammed the door. She opened it right back up, said "I love you", and then slammed it shut again.
"Why are doors being slammed on my boat?"
Bella lifted her head in the direction of Edward's voice and found him standing in his doorway in just a pair of basketball shorts. He'd had first shower tonight and she could tell from the way the light shined on his wild hair that it was still damp.
"Everything okay?" he asked. It seemed that her silence was concerning him; if he knew her lack of verbal skills was a result of his shirtless state, he'd be impossible to be around.
She gave herself a shake and told him, "I'm okay. Are you okay?"
"I'm great. Why wouldn't I be?"
"You're in your room. You're usually in mine."
"Yeah," he agreed, running his hand through his wet hair. "I was thinking …"
She walked toward him; she didn't like being so far away and unable to see his eyes while they talked. "Thinking or overthinking?" she asked with a grin.
He waited until he had his arms around her to answer. "I was thinking you might like to stay in my room tonight. Have some room to stretch out instead of being scrunched into your bed."
"I like being scrunched in with you."
"I like it too but sometimes a little space is nice. More room. Extra pillows." His touch was feather-light as he traced the dark skin beneath her eye. "And maybe a longer stretch of sleep."
She grinned at her own naivety—of course he would notice.
He skimmed his nose along the column of her neck and then pressed a kiss to the underside of her jaw. "So what do you think? Want to spend the night in my room?"
"I get the side next to the lamp."
His heavy sigh was followed by his forehead resting against hers and his green eyes looking deep into hers. "I know it's hard right now. Maybe it even feels a little impossible since you're not really sleeping on top of struggling with adjusting to full-time focus on sharks. Whatever you're thinking, whatever you're feeling, I'm here to listen if you want to talk about it. That goes for work and anything else you want to tell me."
The idea of talking to him, of knowing that no matter what she said it absolutely would not get back to Alice, that sounded more appealing than she could have ever imagined. She had no idea what she'd say but that didn't stop her from enjoying the feeling of freedom it gave her. She also wanted to enjoy his opening up more so she asked if they could have their work talk in his room rather than the office.
While Edward went to grab some items from the office, Bella crawled up into his large bed and made herself comfortable. He'd told her to do it so she didn't feel the least bit guilty for piling most of the pillows around herself.
"I think you missed a couple pillows," Edward said with a laugh as he closed the door behind him.
"No, I left those for you."
"Your generosity astounds me," he replied while settling in beside her.
"Like it even matters. You're going to end up sharing my pillow just like you always do." Her teeth sunk into her lower lip and her face heated from her nervous blush. She hadn't meant to say that out loud and she worried pointing out his behavior would make him pull back. He'd been doing a lot better since their argument on Saturday night but she knew he was still adjusting to all the changes she was causing in his life.
He seemed absolutely fine, though. He even teased her by telling her she better enjoy her pillow pile while she could.
And then he opened up the folder he'd taken from his office and pulled out a copy of today's assignment sheet. Her eyes immediately fell to the red ink that noted the swap in duties between her and Lee.
"What's your first thought when you see this?" he questioned as he passed the paper to her.
She frowned and felt her earlier disappointment in herself all over again. "I didn't pull my weight."
"Wrong."
She looked at him with pure disbelief etched on her face.
"Bella, you realized your assignment was too much and you requested a position you could handle. You kept your team safe."
"That's a nice spin but that's not—"
"It takes more strength to admit you can't do something than it does to pretend otherwise and hope it all turns out okay. Think about last week when we were at Seal Island. How easy would it have been for Gopher to boast about his camera skills rather than admit to me he wasn't sure he could do it?"
"That was pretty risky," she admitted. "He probably didn't expect you to still let him."
"So why do you think he told me the truth?"
She shrugged, honestly not having any clue.
"He's not ashamed to admit when he's unsure. The shame would be in letting down his team by hiding it."
"I did more than just change job duties, Edward," she said, lifting her wrist for them both to see the redness there.
"You're right. You lost one battle against your anxiety. One. So you changed job duties and were a damn good helper to Gopher. That's not failure, Bella. That's a small setback."
"Don't forget about the Daily. I couldn't help with it tonight."
"And yet you're forgetting that you helped Lee edit it."
"Editing's just grammar and punctuation. It's not—"
"Look, if you're determined to beat yourself up about today, then I'm not going to stop you. Sit here and pick at yourself if you want. And when you're done and ready to listen to your mentor's point of view, you let me know."
Bella blew out a breath. She knew what she thought of herself right now and she also knew it was fueled by the huge amount of disappointment she felt. Maybe it would be good to get a different opinion, especially the opinion of her mentor, the man she was entrusting to help her get control of her shark issues.
"Edward, I'd really like to know your view on today."
He gave her an encouraging smile. "There's wisdom in recognizing when you're overwhelmed, Bella. Catching it before it becomes a problem neutralizes any dangers that could be caused by it, dangers to you and your team.
"I'm also of the opinion that editing a paper is no less important than writing it. We can put together the greatest research papers of our generation but if they sound like a fifth-grader wrote them, no one will take them seriously.
"And finally, I'd like to see you stop beating yourself up because none of this—not your father's death or your fear of sharks—none of this is your fault. You didn't make it happen and there's nothing you could have done to stop it."
He was right. Mostly. She was beating herself up rather than trying to be objective about what had happened today. There were a lot of moving parts to this team and every task was important, even a small one like editing a paper or washing some dishes. But as far as her father, she still wasn't completely convinced there wasn't something she could have done differently that day.
For tonight, though, she would focus on her work and the words of her mentor. "You're right. It was just a setback."
"Do you really feel that way?"
"I do. I just …" She blew out a breath and looked down at her wrist. "I let my disappointment in myself get the best of me."
"Have you ever thought your standards might be too high?"
She knew she shouldn't be joking right now, but she just couldn't help herself. "I let you in, didn't I?"
He laughed, and then he gently held her wrist and pressed a soft kiss on her tender skin.
She swallowed thickly, wanting to talk and yet feeling like the words were sticking in her throat. "I thought … I thought the more I came face to face with them, the easier it would be to ignore the way I feel around them. Submersion would lead to numbness. But now …"
He reached into the folder again and this time he took out a profile photo of a Great White's head, its sharp teeth visible from its mouth being slightly parted. Bella shivered involuntarily and had to force herself not to look away.
"Now it feels more like drowning." He had basically plucked the words right out of her head. She wanted to say something in return but she wasn't sure what.
"But you aren't drowning," he promised. "We won't let you. We'll keep you afloat. If that means you have to occasionally step back to regroup, then that's what it takes. It's no different than if Whit came to me right now and said he wanted time off from getting in the cage with me."
"Whit would never do that."
"Probably not now," Edward agreed with a nod. "But the way we are now, the smooth machine we are now, that's not how it was when we started out. We all started with our own fears and prejudices and we've had years to work through them. You're just starting, Bella."
She took a deep breath to steady herself and then she looked into his blue eyes to watch his reaction to what she wanted to share with him. "Sometimes I'd go to work with my dad and we'd go to where they were building new types of protective equipment. Whenever they would get stuck he would say 'Quitters never win and winners never quit, but that doesn't mean winners don't think about quitting. The difference between the two is the next step'.
"What do you think as my mentor?" she asked. "What's my next step?"
"I think you should back off. Take some of the pressure off yourself. Instead of having a huge goal of not being anxious around sharks, give yourself smaller, more manageable goals. Work your way up from listening to us put together a few reports to reviewing the footage and photos with us. When you're comfortable viewing images you can move up to looking at sharks in the water again."
"But it's already the third of July. What if I slow down and then run out of time?"
"We have seven weeks left here. I honestly believe that's plenty of time."
Seven weeks … Look at how much he changed my life in one week. There's no telling what can happen in seven with both of us working toward the same goal. But if we're wrong and I'm still too afraid for Atlanta … To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure about Atlanta at all anymore, scared or not.
"What's your next step gonna be, Guppy?"
She smiled as she returned the assignment sheet to him. "I'm going to step back to being Gopher's helper and be an observer during the daily report writing. Just until I feel ready for more."
"That is a solid plan. You must have one really smart mentor," Edward said as he grinned at her.
"One really smart ass one," she teased, getting him to laugh.
"Nice." He rolled away to set the folder on the floor and then came back, setting his head next to hers on her pillow. "Now that work is out of the way, is there anything else you want to talk about?"
She smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck, scrunching in as close as she could. "I could thank you again for your solution with my watch."
"I feel an 'or' coming my way."
"Or you can kiss me and feel my thanks."
He wrapped his arms around her and rolled onto his back, pulling her on top and getting a shocked laugh out of her. He had such a serious look in his eyes but his lips were curled in a playful smirk; she wondered what he was thinking to give him such a contrasting look.
"Come here."
As much as she wanted to follow his command, she needed to satisfy her curiosity first. She seemed to always be in arms reach and yet he said it in a way that made her feel like she was twenty feet away. She just had to know what he was thinking in those moments. "How is it that even when I'm right on top of you, I'm not close enough for you?"
He grinned. "'Cause when it comes to you, only submersion will do."
She matched his grin—and his innuendo. "You have no idea just how submerged I'd like you to be. Too bad your line's in the way."
There was a flash of green, a brief sensation of falling, and then nothing but the feel of him. The warmth of his lips. The scratch of his stubble. The weight of his body covering hers. The heat of his bare chest seeping through her nightshirt. It was all too much and not enough at the same time.
Minutes later—or hours for all she knew—she noticed the sting in her hands from the grip she had on his soft hair and muscular arm. Her chest burned from her refusal to come up for air and her skin had a tingling warmth to it as if she was relaxing in a sauna. She hadn't felt this alive since that night in the bar pressed between his body and the wall. She'd never craved a man's kiss or touch this way, as if it was more necessary to her than her next breath.
Edward was the one to finally break the kiss and give their lungs a break, though he didn't sound any happier about it than she felt. She'd heard his muttered "fuck" even with the harshness of their breathing.
Her palm pressed against his stubble, the short hairs digging in as she lifted his chin and glimpsed the fire inside the green. The burn deep inside of her intensified, narrowing everything down to this man in this moment and evaporating her ability to think clearly. There were no lines and no careers—just a deep sense of wrong that they were no longer kissing.
He still wasn't breathing any easier than she was but he didn't resist when she lifted up to fit her mouth against his. This kiss was soft and slow enough that she could keep her eyes open and enjoy the deep green of his. Her hands explored his back, soaking up the warmth of his skin and mapping his muscles. She still felt that live-wire effect he had on her but there was also a deep calm to being with him this way and she started to regroup her scattered thoughts.
Her attempt to regain her wits turned into an absolute lost cause when he sent them scattering again with a single touch—his rough fingers and soft palm enveloping her bare breast in a firm hold. Her eyes rolled back into her head from the pleasure while her fingers dug into his shoulders, fighting to hold on to a shred of responsibility when all she wanted was to let go and feel everything with him.
Edward tore his lips from hers and slammed his face into the pillow beside her head. She heard him groan and then he mumbled a single word—Line.
Her laugh was breathy and a little hoarse from all of their kissing. "You might see it better if you remove your hand."
"This is my consolation prize."
"It's an invitation to trouble. I'm not exactly brimming with self-control at the moment."
He let go of her breast but not her body, remaining on top of her with his face still buried in the pillow. She only caught bits and pieces of his grumbling, just enough to know he was reinstating his self-control and that his only regret was their need for a line.
He finally lifted his head out of the pillow and rolled off of her. However, the space between them barely lasted a second because he immediately reached for her and pulled her across the bed, fitting her back to his chest and tucking her head under his chin.
"I was beginning to worry," she joked, stroking his arm resting just below her breasts. "I wasn't sure if you were talking into the pillow or trying to eat it."
"Feathers."
"What?" she asked with a laugh.
"If I had bit the pillow, you would have seen feathers."
"No wonder they're so comfortable. I'm going to have to trade pillows with you when you aren't looking."
She felt the breath from his quiet laugh against her scalp. This moment right here, warm all over from his kisses and his touch, if she could stay in this one moment then there'd be no room for bad dreams.
She had already started to drift off when she heard him; his voice wasn't much louder than a whisper. "Not because of what we were doing. Not because it's expected. Only because I feel it so damn much when you let me hold you in my arms. I love you, kapu."
Her smile was sleepy and her heart was full as she answered him. "Love you, Edward. Always."
"~~~^~~~~^~~~^~~~~^~~~^~~~~^"
Whit's POV:
Whit lowered the comic book Gopher had loaned him to get a look at the tiny woman sitting on his abdomen. The mischievous twinkle in her eyes brought out his smirk and caused him to lift a single eyebrow in question of her position.
Alice took a few seconds to figure out where she wanted her hands—he had been fine with them resting on his chest but she decided in the end to put them on her own knees. "Yeah, I know it's weird. Going straight from 'you stay in your bed and I stay in mine' to sitting on you." She took one hand from her knee and linked her fingers through his. "But there are extenuating circumstances."
Whit used his free hand to close his book and set it aside, giving her his full attention. "This is going to be good."
She cocked her head to the side as she stared at him. "How do you know?"
"You have that look."
"What look?"
"That one that means things are about to change with you whether the world is ready for them or not."
"I don't even know if I'm ready," she admitted. "But before I tell you about that, I have to tell you how I arrived here."
"I'm all yours."
Once again she cocked her head to the side, as if she was having trouble seeing him clearly. "You really are mine, aren't you?" She sat up straight and gave him a sly smile. "You're mine and you haven't even kissed me yet."
"I beg to differ. I've kissed you plenty. I can tell you exactly how you taste first thing in the morning and just before you fall asleep at night."
"Those have been great, but they've also been in our dreams. We need the real thing."
"I didn't realize we were there yet."
"We aren't because I haven't told you yet. You keep distracting me."
Whit pretended to zip his lips closed, eliciting a soft laugh from Alice.
"It's because of Bella," Alice began. "Well, not entirely. It's more because of Masen, which is totally weird given how we started out with each other. I went to check on her after my shower but she wasn't in her room. I figured she was upstairs but then I saw that Masen's door was closed. My first thought was that she was mad at me since I was the one who called attention to her wrist. But I know that's not my sister so I dismissed that idea. And then I thought she was avoiding me so I couldn't tell her she needs to go home with me. I totally get why she would think that but that isn't what I'm thinking."
She took a deep breath before launching into the next rambling piece of her explanation. "I'm thinking that Masen was right in how he handled her wrist. I didn't like being sent away and I was angry about it, but only for a little while. Only until I saw him tying our dad's watch to Bella's pocket. He wouldn't do that if he didn't have complete faith in her. He would tell her it was time to go home. But he didn't and it's not because he wants her here for his own personal reasons. He's really committed to helping her with her shark thing, which by the way I still don't completely understand. What I do know is that I don't have to because he does.
"And there's one other thing I finally get … Masen isn't your complete opposite at all. He has your kindness. He could have ordered her to leave the watch in her room and she would have complied because he had every right to do it. But he found a compromise instead."
Whit had started smiling the minute she'd come into his room but now that she'd shared her conclusions with him, he was absolutely beaming. His dream girl and his best friend were finally starting to see each other clearly.
Alice reached out and traced his lower lip with her thumb. "I'm glad our talk is making you happy."
He sat up quickly and wrapped his arms around her, making sure she was stuck right there with him. "I'm glad the real you is finally coming out."
"Me too." Her smile turned to a smirk as she said, "Now we just need the real you to come out. You're being far more gentlemanly in real life than you have been in our dreams."
Whit cried "what" in shock at her accusation. "I've been a gentleman every time!"
She snorted. "You kissed me five minutes into our first dream."
"No. You kissed me," he corrected.
"I tripped and you caught me and kissed me."
"Yeah, you tripped right up against my lips."
She ran her hands through his hair and then gripped the back of his neck. "Serious moment … When are you going to kiss me for real?"
Whit wished he could kiss her right now but he knew he couldn't and have a clear conscious at the same time. He couldn't kiss her and take that next step with her without her knowing a vital piece of his story that he hadn't shared yet.
"Alice, I would love nothing more than to spend the entire night getting intimately familiar with your beautiful lips. But I can't. Not until you know exactly who you're kissing."
She smiled and put her hand over his heart. "I know your heart, Jasper Whitlock. I know everything I need to about you."
He lifted her hand and kissed her palm while keeping eye contact with her. "Almost everything."
"You're worried."
"Yes," he agreed. "I'm worried you won't listen to the entire story, that you'll hear part of it and then tune out the rest. I'm terrified that you'll listen to it all and then run. Most of all, I'm hopeful that you'll hear this—hear me—and it will be nothing more than a piece of me that you accept into your heart."
Alice held both of his hands in hers with a determined look on her face. "Then acceptance is what you'll get."
He knew she believed she was being honest, just like he knew what he was about to share would be extremely hard for her to hear, much less accept. "You know that I started MMR with Masen and Lee. What you don't know is why we made the decision to pursue this career path rather than the ones we earned college degrees in. Masen and I have always been fascinated by sharks. Every August when Shark Week rolls around, I would camp out at his house and we would spend all of our time in front of the television. Now we record it and watch it as soon as we get home from our summer research. We've always been fascinated, but it wasn't until just before we formed MMR that we became focused.
"Masen has been the leader from the start but I was the catalyst." His voice and hands shook from the emotions raging inside of him. He couldn't live with being anything less than honest with her but he also didn't want to have to live without her.
Taking a deep breath, he said the words with the power to end everything with her right here and now. "Alice, I'm a shark attack survivor."
She blinked a few times and then slowly shook her head. Seconds later her wide eyes were pleading with him to take back his words.
"Please just hear me out. I know that's a hard thing to hear. I know it makes you think of your dad. And maybe it even makes you think I'm a crazy shark person like you thought with Masen at first. But, Alice, I'm completely sane and my place here with MMR is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
"I'm a survivor, Alice. That means that as painful as the attack was for my family, for Masen and Lee, and for myself, I made it through it. I came out the other end, and I did it with a clarity I wouldn't have achieved any other way.
"I love the water. I have been in love with it since before I could walk and talk. You told me about your dad's love of the water. It's like that but deeper. I can't live away from the water. Physically, of course I can, but mentally and emotionally, I need that connection to the water. I need to be in it, whether I'm surfing or swimming. It's the one place I feel most at home, most myself. Being a nurse was a practical career, doing something I was good at and helping people at the same time. But it was also something that took me away from the water more than I liked. I'm not sure I would have ever been able to balance the two in a satisfactory way. Not without MMR having come along.
"I'm a survivor and I still love the water."
Alice didn't speak or move and he wasn't completely sure she was breathing.
"Please talk to me. Please tell me what you're thinking."
She dropped her eyes and appeared to be staring at their hands—at least she hadn't pulled away or run off. Yet.
She lifted her head, looking at him with scared eyes and speaking with a wavering voice. "Just so I have this clear … You were bitten by a shark and lived. So you decide to take that gift and risk it every single day by getting into the water with sharks. Does that sum it up?"
He could see the hurt in her eyes and feel the terror in her grip on his hands. "You can't sum this up, Alice. It's a complex situation with a lot of moving parts. My life is a gift but I'm not risking it. I'm making the most of it by saving others, both animals and humans. We're doing everything we can to make the world safer for marine life and families all over the world. I'm not part of MMR to test my fate. I'm here to make the most of my life through a career I'm passionate about."
Tears rolled off the apples of her cheeks and splashed on his bare chest. She made no move to wipe them away. Instead, she leaned back to trace with shaking fingers the latitude and longitude numbers tattooed on his side. "These are latitude and longitude, right? If I looked these up..."
"It would show you the beach in Hawaii where we were surfing that morning."
"And these numbers?" she asked, tracing the tattoo just underneath the coordinates.
"The number of days I was in the hospital recovering."
"Where did … Can I see it?"
"Sure, but you'll have to move. My bite's on my left leg."
Her eyes widened and he knew exactly what she was thinking about—multiple dreams of running on the beach together and her playful teasing.
"Don't you feel bad, Alice. Not for one second. You had every right to tease and no way to know why my running is awkward."
She tore her hands from his but before he could protest she locked her arms around his shoulders and pressed her face into the side of his neck. Her small body felt even tinier pressed again him this way and he could feel the tremor running through her.
"Alice, I'm still me," he promised as he stroked her hair gently. "I'm still the man I was twenty minutes ago. The only difference is now you know why I suck at running."
"Why were you in the hospital so long? How close were you to—"
He knew that even though she'd asked two questions, she only wanted an answer to one of them. "Masen and Lee insisted that I get reconstructive surgery. They sold me on it by saying my surfing would suck without it."
"Were they right?"
"Yes. And they were scared like you are right now. Even to this day, they don't like for me to be the first in the water. And we never let anyone go in the water alone. But, Alice, they also recognize my love of the water and they will never deny me."
She lifted her head, looking at him with wet eyes and the saddest expression he'd ever seen on a woman's face. "I can't deny you either. Not if I want to be with you."
He nodded in agreement. "I hope you understand why I had to tell you now."
"You didn't want to kiss me without me knowing this piece of you. That you love the water and call yourself a survivor rather than a victim. And that you really believe what you do helps." She sighed as she lowered her head. "This is a lot to take in."
"I know."
Her eyes met his again and her nose crinkled in disgust. "You are a crazy shark person, whether you think so or not."
"We could debate that for a long time. Decades work for me. How about you?" he asked, hoping a little humor would be helpful.
"This isn't how my summer is supposed to go. Bella being here … Masen being such a bossy beast … You being …" She shook her head. "I don't know how to classify you. You're the man of my dreams but you're also what nightmares are made of. A kind, friendly, charming guy that I could easily fall madly in love with. And then I'd spend my life worrying incessantly for you."
"Could you ever see yourself trusting me enough not to worry for me?"
"If it was a matter of trusting you, there'd be nothing to talk about. But it's the monsters with the sharp, angry teeth that I don't trust."
"They're not monsters, Alice. They don't maliciously attack people. They are creatures exploring their world and we are the strangers in it. Their bite is to figure out what we are, not to ruin lives."
"Whatever they are, right now they're a wall."
"They don't have to be."
"You're asking the impossible."
He held her tighter, wanting to stop that look of leaving he could see in her eyes. "I'm asking for you, Alice. I'm asking to have you in my life and not just my dreams."
Her features softened as she brought her face closer to his, allowing him to smell her mouthwash on her breath. "I just … I wanna try one thing."
She licked her lips and then closed the small gap between them, kissing him soft and slow and leaving him completely clueless as to if this was "goodbye" or "hello". Either way, he was determined to revel in it for as long as she would allow. Her lips were pillow soft and her curves were supple and perfect even though his hands dwarfed them—his own personal collection of tiny treasures. The kiss was hers to do with as she pleased but in the meantime the rest of her skin was his to explore. The small of her back. The dip of her hip. The smooth skin beneath her breasts. All so soft and welcoming.
And then she pulled away.
She pulled away to say a goodbye.
But not to him.
She said goodbye to her shirt and to spending the night anywhere other than in his arms.
"~~~^~~~~^~~~^~~~~^~~~^~~~~^"
A/N: Sorry this one took so long to get out to you guys! We hope you all enjoyed it!