CHAPTER 5: Hard on the Outside, Soft on the Inside
Leliana let her gaze sweep over her new companions.
It was a very odd mix of people- Grey Wardens, a witch and now a Qunari criminal. Not to mention she was a lay sister.
She cringed inside, thinking back to how she had explained her reason for joining. There were certainly better ways of doing it. Years of training should have made the words easier to come out. But the elf's dark eyes had caught her off guard... so unsettling, so challenging.
Leliana had stammered like a novice bard, struggling to string together a proper sentence. Her only hope had been that Kallian wouldn't decide she was crazy and dismiss her. But the Warden had surprised her by accepting the offer. More than that, she hadn't stared at Leliana with the same look of scepticism the others had sent her way. There had been a glimmer of something like… curiosity.
It was a start.
The sister kept her distance from the witch, who was as frigid as ever. She had never met anyone so undisposed to conversation. Her lips were sealed tightly against any attempt to talk. Alistair was friendly enough, but the mention of her vision had made things… awkward. And Sten was… Sten. She couldn't read any emotions whatsoever in his face.
That left the Mabari hound, Talon.
Leliana knelt down to pat him, smiling as he panted and wagged his tail.
"At least I know you won't judge me," she said quietly.
Talon seemed to grin in response.
A shadow fell over them both and she looked up, shielding her eyes from the setting sun. It was Kallian. The elf's pale face was a stark contrast to the jet black hair and eyes. Her mouth was taut and serious as she regarded them. She glanced at the sister once and switched her gaze to the dog. Quickly. Mechanically.
"Here, Talon. We're going," she said simply, slipping on her helmet and turning to stride away.
Leliana gave the hound one last pat and he bounded after his master. She suddenly felt very alone despite being surrounded by people.
No matter, she thought firmly, lifting her chin. This is nothing new.
The sister followed as the group walked with Kallian, wondering how they had let a new recruit lead them. She observed the straight back, the purposeful steps, the way she made decisions mechanically… yes, she could see it now. She could see why they had chosen her.
Leliana sighed, shouldering her bag.
The rain was beginning to prick her skin, and soon it showered down stronger. An oppressive mood as heavy as the ominous clouds above settled on the group of heroes. What sunlight that struggled to pass through the veil of rainwater lit up shadowed contours and haggard expressions. The effect was particularly striking for Kallian.
Leliana recalled the expression on the elf's face. It had been cold enough to freeze the fireplace in the tavern. In better conditions, no doubt it would be a finer face. Now it was hauntingly gaunt, blood smeared across it like war paint.
So much darkness in someone so young.
Leliana remembered the way she had lifted the sword without hesitation. She had honestly thought Kallian would kill the guard- thank the Maker she hadn't.
A bitter smile twisted her lips and she shook her head. She shouldn't be surprised at this... not when she herself-
"Don't worry too much about her," said a voice beside her. It was Alistair.
Leliana smiled, stretching her lips into a charming expression. Every interaction was an opportunity, a chance to prove herself. She would not let it go to waste.
"Oh, I'm not worried. I'm sure you have all experienced much hardship by now."
The Warden smiled back easily, brown eyes so transparent that she found it hard to dislike him.
"Wow. That's the nicest thing I've heard in a long time."
Leliana laughed. "I was simply being honest."
Alistair grinned, but then it slipped a little when he looked back at Kallian. "No, but really… conversations can be a bit of a challenge with this group."
"I did gather that," said the sister, amused.
"Morrigan," he said in a low voice. "Well… you've met her. She's not very nice. And our leader there…" He paused.
"She was quite polite," said Leliana carefully, not wanting to badmouth the person who recruited her.
Alistair laughed softly. "Believe me, she's usually not with humans."
Leliana blinked. "What do you mean?" Her encounter with elves had always been minimal, mostly servants that had been very cordial to her.
The Warden gave her a sad look. "She hates humans."
The smile on her face slipped off. "Hate is… hate is a strong word," she said, not knowing what to say.
Alistair nodded. "From what I heard from Duncan…" he faltered, taking a deep breath. "She lived at the Alienage in Denerim. I don't know anything else, but I have the feeling something bad happened."
Leliana returned her gaze to the elf. "Has she not told you?" she asked in surprise.
From her observation, the two had seemed close- at least, closer than the witch. But perhaps that wasn't saying much.
Alistair shook his head, sighing. "She won't tell me a thing. It's best to just keep my mouth shut before she decides to."
They both lapsed into a thoughtful silence and Leliana spent the rest of the trek over the hills wondering what could have happened. Thankfully, the weather forced them to camp early in a small area sheltered by a group of trees. It had been a while since the sister had walked such a distance- her legs were aching unbearably and beginning to cramp. She was going to have to push herself.
As Leliana pitched her tent in the rain, she found herself fumbling with the materials to her frustration. It had been years since she had had to assemble a tent. The sister tried to remember how to do it, staring at the pole in her hands. She sighed as she turned around to see how the others were doing and nearly walked into Kallian.
The elf seemed to jump at the same time as her, the distance between them barely a hairs-breadth. Kallian stepped back quickly, eyeing the materials behind the sister. Leliana blushed slightly, embarrassed. It was her first day and already she was struggling with such a simple task. But before she could try to explain, the Warden swept past her. Kallian picked up the poles and ropes, working methodically to set it up. Leliana watched, doing her best to re learn the steps.
She stood there watching until the task was done, shivering slightly from her rain drenched clothes. Kallian drove the last stake into the ground with her foot and tested it with her hands. She seemed satisfied.
"Thank you," said Leliana, genuinely grateful for the help. To be honest, she hadn't expected the elf to extend such kindness to her- especially after hearing what Alistair had said earlier.
"You're… welcome," said the elf hesitantly. Then she looked the sister up and down before striding off quickly without another word.
Leliana stood there blinking. A warmth came up to her cheeks for some strange reason- perhaps it was because of the bold way the elf had perused her body. She was sure she was reading it wrong, but some errant part of her mind made her uncomfortably self-conscious.
The sister recovered and took a few steps forward to enter the tent when the Warden reappeared. Leliana started when she felt a weight around her shoulders.
"Do you have any dry clothes?" asked Kallian.
Oh… Leliana fingered the thick blanket around her and realized the elf had probably noticed she was soaked. She cleared her throat, embarrassment deepening.
"I do."
The Warden nodded, dark eyes inscrutable. Again, she walked away silently to her own tent. Leliana watched her go, curiosity replacing the embarrassment. Kallian was certainly not like any elf she had met before. Or… simply anyone, for that matter. But there was one thing she was sure of now: under that mechanical, cold barrier, there was someone softer, someone kinder than she let on.
A small smile touched her lips as she lifted the tent flap.
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As usual, Kallian noticed that Morrigan set up her tent far away from the group. She dropped her greaves, gauntlets and breastplate noisily on the ground, sighing in relief. She inched closer to the fire and warmed her hands and stretched her aching limbs. The doubtful but welcoming smell of cooking food wafted to her nose while Alistair crouched by a large pot, stirring. She saw Sten standing like a statue a yard away and Talon resting by the road, head on his paws. And Leliana…
There was a thump as the sister dropped a fresh supply of chopped wood.
"Sten was kind enough to chop these for us," the woman said in answer to her unspoken question.
"I was about to say… I didn't think you were the type to…"
To what? Do a man's job? A voice said in her head.
"Never mind," Kallian said.
The sister gave a soft laugh. "I'm stronger than I look you know," she said, cocking her head. There was a note of teasing in her voice.
Kallian nodded. "You fight well," she said, recalling the way she had wielded her twin daggers with such ease. "I might be wrong… but those manoeuvres didn't look like skills a lay sister would use."
She knew she was treading on private ground when the other woman suddenly took great interest in the fire.
"Oh, I was not always a lay sister… I was a travelling minstrel before, in Orlais. Tales and songs were my life. And… there are a great many things you pick up on the road, no?"
It was a hastily made answer, in contrast to her usual fluidity with words.
Kallian was quiet for a moment before answering. "I suppose there are."
The elf returned her gaze to the fire and a silence followed.
Growing up in the Alienage, she had never really had female friends apart from Shianni. There were acquaintances, perhaps. But she had never been part of anyone's 'group'. They simply didn't have the same interests, the same opinions, the same goals. She didn't know what to say to them.
Shianni and Soris were her friends, accompanying her in numerous pranks and mischief. And the only other friend she had was Valendrian. Since her mother died, the only thing that kept her mind occupied enough to stop grieving were the studies with him. Elvish- albeit fragmented- came easily to her, and though the history lessons weren't always absorbing, they helped distract her.
Thinking about the Alienage brought a bitter taste to her mouth. Faces flashed in her mind- her cousins, Duncan, Valora, Elonna, Nola, Nelaros… but it was the last face that made her blood boil. Vaughan.
Ma halam! Kallian thought with vengeance. She must have said this aloud because the sister jumped.
"I…" said Leliana. "…should go check on Alistair's cooking. He's taking quite a while and may need some assistance."
Kallian swallowed.
Fenedhis… I lost control.
She nodded stiffly, slightly embarrassed but also resigned. They always left… They always did.
She remembered the wariness the Wardens had shown when they first met her. The viciousness would lash out suddenly, catching her unawares. And she knew it drove people away from her.
Kallian stood there in the darkness, suddenly feeling drained. She let her arms hang limply by her sides as she stared into the crackling flames.
Mother…
She could see Adaia's dark eyes in her mind. The hollowness of her cheeks, the thin arms and sallow skin. Feel the feverish temperature of her hand on her shoulder.
"Be strong, Kallian. Be strong."
Tears stung the elf's eyes and she rubbed at them. "I can't... I can't, mother."
Adaia smiled weakly, sadly on her bed. "So soft hearted, dav'henan. Hard on the outside, soft on the inside. Do not let your enemies break you."
The young elf shook her head, body heaving with her sobs.
"I don't w-want you to die…"
"Mala suledin nadas."
"No… no… no," said her daughter, still shaking her head angrily.
"Kallian…" said her father, coming to put his hand on her back. But she pushed him away, running out of the room. And she ran. She ran and ran for a long time, till she reached the gates of the Alienage. The elf rattled the barrier, howling at the world and the Maker. At the injustice of it all.
"Get me out of here! Get me out of here!" she yelled crazily, as if possessed.
Hands pulled her away from the bars, trying to console her. But she couldn't stop, she would not be comforted.
Kallian slipped to the muddy ground and buried her face in her hands. And she wept until the tears ran dry, leaving nothing but bitter salt on her cheeks…
She had never cried after that.
Never… until the day Shianni was raped. Until everything started to collapse around her at a startling rate. Soris was imprisoned, she was a wanted criminal turned Warden, and she had left the very place she had been desperate to leave all her life. But no, she hadn't wanted to leave like this.
Not like this.
The fire continued to burn in front of her, dancing without a care in the world. She stared at it without feeling- it was far past emotions now. She was an empty well, dry from years of famine and drought.
There was a laugh from the direction of the steaming pot. The sound was so foreign, so… forgotten. She lifted weary eyes to see the sister smiling, covering her mouth modestly. Her pale skin glowed and her copper hair burned in the firelight... and Kallian was reminded painfully of Shianni.
But something made her keep watching, hypnotized as the expressions changed from amused, to teasing, to surprised, then back to amused. And the elf wondered who this person was.
She shone like the sun… a light in the darkness.
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Sunlight filtered through the tent to strike her eyes the next morning. Kallian opened her eyes, expecting to feel exhausted from fragmented sleep, but she didn't. In fact, she felt well rested. The elf sat up in her bedroll, blinking from the brightness of the light.
Then she sniffed the air. Her stomach growled as she sensed the pleasant aroma wafting in. When she stepped out, her eyebrows climbed even further as the smell hit her full blast.
Leliana was bent over the pot, filling the bowls for those lined up. And everyone was lined up.
Alistair, Sten and even Morrigan were standing there waiting, with Talon drooling on the side. Though… she noticed the witch still stood a distance away from the others.
"This is new," Kallian commented as she drew near.
At her voice, the sister looked up. She was smiling so brightly that Kallian averted her gaze uncomfortably.
"You are just in time, Kallian," she said, pouring some into a bowl and handing it to her.
The elf gave her a sidelong glance but took it.
"Thank you."
"Enjoy your meal," said Leliana, turning to fill the next bowl.
Alistair grinned at her. "We were going to wake you but-"
Everyone stared when Kallian's stomach chose that moment to rumble so loudly she wanted nothing more than to sink into the ground.
"… thought you might need the rest," finished the Warden lamely.
No one dared laugh, cautious of Kallian's potential reaction. No one, that is, except for Leliana.
The elf blinked at the sister kneeling beside the pot, who burst out laughing.
She cleared her throat. "Oh, I'm sorry. I just… didn't expect that."
Alistair made a suspicious noise behind her. Kallian gave him a withering look.
He coughed and avoided her gaze. "Mm… thank you, Leliana," he said, reaching past Kallian to take the bowl. "It smells amazing."
"Yes, it is excellent, compared to your poor fare last night," said Sten bluntly.
"Hey!" said Alistair indignantly. "Mind you, that's one of the best recipes in Ferelden."
"Then Ferelden must have very bad recipes indeed."
Kallian snorted and looked at her own portion. It was a creamy soup of some kind, which did seem much better than Alistair's broth last night. But even she wasn't cruel enough to tell him that.
"Are you… feeling better?" asked Leliana carefully.
The elf jumped at her voice.
"I… yes," she replied awkwardly.
Kallian sat herself next to Alistair and took the first bite, then another, and another… soon she was wolfing it down like mad. She stared down at the empty bowl.
This is… really good.
She also realized she felt better. No bitterness, no struggle with emotions. Just a strange twinge of comfort. Like she was back at home in the Alienage.
Alistair made noises of approval from beside her, swallowing it down at a similar speed. He smacked his lips, sighing contentedly.
"Slow down, you too," said Leliana, laughing. "Is this how you Grey Wardens eat?"
"The taint in us gives us more than the ability to sense Darkspawn," replied Alistair with his mouth full.
The elf shot him a look of disgust, wiping her face. "You just spat some bread at me."
Alistair swallowed. "Sorry. What I meant was, our appetite increases a lot."
"Oh, I see," said Leliana, amusement dancing around her mouth. "I've never seen anyone eat with such… vigour."
"You mean with no table manners," said Kallian.
Leliana laughed again, and… whether it was her imagination or not, Kallian thought the whole camp looked brighter in the morning sun.
Kallian quickly downed the rest of her food and stood up. She turned to get ready but hesitated before walking over to Leliana. She was still eating but stopped to look up at her.
"That was… really good. Thank you," she said uncertainly.
The Orlesian cocked her head, a smile gracing her lips. "You are welcome."
By the Maker, she thought. Her mood is infectious.
Kallian's lips twitched and felt a small smile surfacing in return.
"There!" said the sister, and the elf blinked.
"What?" she asked, frowning.
Leliana tutted. "No, it's gone. You should smile more often. Alistair tells me you hardly do."
At this, the elf's eyes darkened again. "He did, did he?" said Kallian quietly.
She felt weary again, empty. She thought about Shianni and how she would never see her smile again. If her cousin couldn't… how could she? Damn shems.
The lay sister seemed to notice the change in her bearing and she blinked.
"I-I'm sorry if I-"
"It doesn't matter," she said roughly, whirling around to stalk over to her tent. Kallian disassembled it angrily, taking it down as if fighting Darkspawn. I don't smile? Well I suppose I can't expect any of you to know. Born into privilege, the right race, the right family… it makes me sick!
There was an excited bark nearby and Kallian sighed in frustration.
"Not now, Talon!" she growled.
But the Mabari didn't listen. He wagged his tail and jumped around trying to bite the material. Normally she would tolerate his behaviour, knowing he only wanted to help. Today, however, she had no patience for this.
"Get off!" she said, wrenching the pole away from him. Unfortunately, Talon seemed to think it was a game and he only tugged harder. "Down, boy!"
But it was too late.
There was a massive ripping sound and Kallian seethed when she saw the torn material in Talon's mouth.
You have got to be kidding me.
She covered her face with a hand, wanting to kick something. The Mabari seemed to sense the change in his master's mood. He dropped the piece and lowered his gaze to the ground guiltily.
"Here boy! Talon!"
Kallian glared as the hound made his escape, following the treat in Alistair's hand. The other Warden steered the dog as far away from her as possible. The elf looked up at the sky, trying to calm herself down. Then, she flung the ruined tent aside to pack her things, trying not to look in Leliana's direction. Chances were she was laughing at her.
She knew it. Shems would always be shems. No one cared about elves.
After strapping on her armour and weapons, Kallian led the group out of camp to the main road. She walked silently, still in a foul mood. For a long while they all travelled without talking, following the paths and signs.
The sun was high in the sky when they reached a slope leading down to the next path. She looked around and didn't see any source of water. Already the hot weather was making sweat soak through her shirt. Kallian tugged the wineskin out of her pack and took a long drink from it. Behind her, everyone paused with her. Alistair and Leliana were the last to arrive, talking quickly in low voices about something. Whatever it was, the sister seemed amused.
The smile slipped off when she saw Kallian's expression. She cleared her throat and looked away.
Kallian's face hardened and she turned back to the front.
"Alistair," she called.
The Warden walked over to her. "Yes?"
"How long until Redcliffe?"
"I would say… a few hours, at the most. It won't be too far from here."
Kallian nodded, wiping the sweat from her forehead. She jerked her head at a nearby tree with long spreading branches. Its shadow was wide enough to shade all of them.
"We rest here."
"Good call," said Alistair in relief, wiping his own sweat. "I think I'm dying in this heat."
Kallian didn't respond and swept past him, dropping on the grass. Sten and Morrigan joined her, as quiet as ever. She liked that about them- no talking, just doing what was necessary.
To her irritation, Alistair sat next to her.
"Kallian…"
When she didn't reply, he sighed. "I heard about what happened… I'm sorry. It's not my place to comment on your expressions. You must have met some bad… what do you call humans?"
Kallian eyed him for a second, wondering if this was another of his dry jokes. "Shems."
"Yes, that. Well, as I said before, we're not these bad shems you probably met."
"You're not."
Alistair blinked. "Well… erm… then, that's good."
"I try… I try not to…"
"To glare?"
"… I was going to say resent, but… you can't just eliminate years' worth of hatred."
The Warden looked at her seriously. "You're right. And I know what you mean."
Now it was Kallian's turn to blink. "You do?"
Alistair suddenly looked caught out and he fidgeted before speaking. "Rats, me and my big mouth. Do you… promise not to tell anyone?"
"About what?"
"I suppose I was going to have to at some point. Before we arrive at Redcliffe, I have a secret I need to share with you. Well, seeing as there's no one else I trust…"
"You seemed to be getting along fine with the lay sister."
Alistair blinked at the insinuation. "Oh, Leliana? No… besides, we've only just met."
"Come on then, out with it."
"Can we move over there to talk?" he said, pointing to another tree nearby.
Kallian nodded and moved to the position. They both sat down and she looked at him curiously.
"Right… so I told you about how Arl Eamon raised me, right? And my mother was a serving girl at the castle when he took me in?"
Okay… thought Kallian, narrowing her eyes.
"The reason he did that was because… well, my father was… king Maric. Which made Cailan my… half brother, I suppose."
There was an awkward silence.
"So… you're the illegitimate heir to the throne."
"I guess I am, at that. More like the royal bastard," he said.
He tried to cover it up with an upbeat tone that failed to suppress the bitterness underneath.
"I see…"
"I would have told you earlier but… at the time, it didn't mean anything to me. I was an inconvenience, a possible threat to Cailan's rule and so they kept me a secret. I've never talked to anyone about this."
Kallian blinked, slightly taken aback. "Never?"
"Never," said Alistair, shaking his head. "Everyone who knew either resented me or coddled me. Even Duncan kept me out of the fighting because of it."
"But Arl Eamon. He treated you well?"
"Oh, yes… he did," said Alistair rather half heartedly. Kallian wondered at this. Then his face turned sour. "Well, his wife wasn't too happy though."
"His wife?"
"Isolde… well, let's just say she wasn't ready to take on the rumours."
Kallian crossed her arms. "Rumours?"
"About who I was. That I was the Arl's bastard son."
The elf paused, feeling some sympathy for him. She had a go at imagining being in his boots, growing up in a home you felt unwelcome in, knowing you were abandoned by your own father… an inconvenience, he said.
At least she had grown up loved in the Alienage surrounded by real family. She knew how important it was.
"So that's what I meant about hatred. I… resented everything then," Alistair explained, his expression grey. "No matter what I did, how hard I tried, I was always a waste of space. And… I couldn't exactly change my heritage now, could I?"
"No," said Kallian quietly. "You couldn't."
"And no, I don't have any other secrets," he said, his tone bouncy again. "Besides my unholy love of fine cheeses and a minor obsession with my hair. Just the prince thing," he finished off with a silly grin.
She couldn't help it- she smirked.
"There we go!" he said suddenly, startling her. "You smiled."
Kallian's smirk switched to a grin. "Alright, you got me," she said reluctantly.
"Look, what I wanted to say is that… everyone has old socks they want to throw out, right?"
The elf's eyebrow quirked up at that. "That's a strange analogy."
"Alright, maybe I left that one out- I'm secretly a court jester." Kallian snorted. "Anyhow, what I really want to say is… we're all here to help you. We have to fight this Blight and save the world, right? So relax and put a smile on that pretty face."
Alistair seemed to realize what he just said. The Warden turned a deep shade of red. "Um… that came out wrong."
Kallian frowned. Wait… he doesn't-?
"Anyway," he said suddenly, cutting across her thoughts. "We should start moving again."
He stood up quickly and hesitated before offering a hand to her. She nodded, taking it and pushing herself up off the grass. Kallian looked him in the eye.
"Thanks for telling me Alistair. It was brave of you."
The Warden gave her a sad smile. "You're welcome. And thanks for listening without… you know, judging."
"Why would I judge you for that?"
"Bastards aren't usually a welcome companion."
"In case you hadn't noticed… we're already a weird bunch of people."
Alistair glanced at the others and laughed. "Good point."
And together, the Wardens laughed and joked as the group walked the main road. Talon followed close behind her, and Kallian even forgot the little mishap he caused back at camp.