CHAPTER 8: Realities of the Mind

The woman dragged herself across the blood painted floor.

Her right arm was limp from the injury but the left was enough for her to position herself. She had a common face. If Kallian had seen her walking around in a village, she would never have guessed this to be a blood mage. But then… what was she expecting one to look like?

Did she think these humans would look like Vaughan? Snarling and unrepentant?

"Please… please don't kill me," the mage begged.

Kallian looked down at her and, strangely enough, felt nothing. It was the second time a human had begged her for mercy.

"Why shouldn't I?"

The woman shook her head, expression pained. "I know I don't have the right to ask for mercy. But I didn't mean for this death and destruction. We were just trying to free ourselves."

It could have been a desperate attempt for sympathy. A pitiful excuse.

"Uldred told us that the Circle would support Loghain and he would help free us from the Chantry," the woman explained, closing her eyes. "You don't know what it was like living here. The Templars watching… always watching."

Kallian suddenly felt her throat constrict. She was back in the Alienage, playing as a child. Even from that age, everyone knew how to be careful. The shems… they stood guard at the gates. Sometimes they came to patrol the streets. Watching. Always watching.

"You could have expressed your concerns to the Chantry," said Alistair from behind.

"And what would that achieve? Nothing. This is a game of power, Warden. We do what we are told, and that is the end of it."

You do what you're told to do, elf.

"The magic was a means to an end. It gave us… gave me the chance to fight for what I believed in."

At this, Wynne shook her head in sympathy. "Fighting for what you believe in is commendable, but the ends do not always justify the means."

The woman's eyes narrowed. "You don't really believe that, do you Wynne? Change rarely comes peacefully. Andraste waged war on the imperium- she didn't write them a strongly worded letter. She re shaped civilization, freed the slaves and gave us the Chantry. But people died for it…"

The older mage frowned. "The cost this time is not worth what you've done to this place."

The woman hung her head. "You are right. And now Uldred's gone mad and we are scattered, doomed to die at the hands of those who would right our wrongs…"

"You know we can't let a blood mage live," said Kallian quietly.

She lifted her head, eyes tearful. "But I… if you give me another chance, I could escape to the Chantry, seek penance- to atone for what I've done."

Alistair half laughed. "You know, they'll never take you. They're very picky about who they let in. Harlots, murderers, yes. Malifecarum? Oh, no."

"I just want my life, please," sobbed the mage.

Kallian looked down at her wearily.

"Then you may have it. But we can't help you escape."

The mage stared up at her, hardly able to believe it. "Th-thank you! May the Maker turn His eyes to you for your mercy!"

The elf didn't reply- she walked out of the room with weighty steps, facing the corridors.

She reached the far end quickly, stepping over dead bodies and pieces of burnt parchment to come to the door. Kallian pushed it open and the seven of them ascended to the upper level. Talon was the first one up, bounding through the entrance to sniff out the nearest Darkspawn.

"Well, nothing to be done here," said Alistair, glancing at the corpses strewn across the room.

Kallian cast her eyes about for anything that was useful. Statues, bodies and books.

"Let's keep moving," she said, already heading for the door.

"I'm just going to-" started Alistair.

"Step back you fool!" shouted Morrigan.

Kallian whirled around to see the witch throwing a firebolt at the corpse. The Darkspawn clacked its teeth and slashed at Alistair, who was caught by surprise. All around the room, the corpses were rising up to join the fight.

Fenedhis, thought the elf in exasperation.

She charged with the others to engage the enemies, sighing. It was going to be a long day.

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Eyes were everywhere. Accusing, shaming, mocking, disgusted gazes.

Kallian walked through the muddy streets of the Alienage, sweat soaking through her clothes. She glanced about her wildly, heart hammering madly and breathing so fast she felt dizzy. Most of them were strangers; people she was distantly acquainted with and people she had seen walking about numerous times but had never talked to. Shopkeepers, merchants, smiths, tailors, students...

She saw Gethon and Dilwyn- her mother's friends. A glimmer of hope flared in Kallian when she saw them- which faded just as quickly as it had come. The pair looked away, deliberately ignoring her. Sharp pain shot through her chest.

Kallian didn't need anyone to confront her or tell her directly what all this hostility stemmed from. She knew. But she still clutched at the pathetic hope that this wasn't the reason. That she was wrong.

The elf finally arrived at home and opened the front door with shaking hands. When she turned around, her breathing just stopped altogether.

"I'm so sorry, cousin."

Kallian could only stare at Shianni as cold paralysis gripped her. Her eyes were functioning but she felt detached from them as they took in what few furniture they owned. If she could, she would turn back time. She would even take the mundane things she had been sick of all her life. Compared to what was happening right now, it would be a small sacrifice to make. The atmosphere in the room was so frosty her breath would rise up in a cold vapour if she exhaled. Cyrion was stock still and dangerously quiet, regarding her with an unreadable expression. Her cousins were standing there with him, but Kallian drew small comfort from this.

So it's finally happened, she thought with trepidation. It's really happening...

For years she had run away from this. For years she had constantly been looking over her shoulder, terrified anyone would find out. And there was no one else she had feared telling than her father. Today his face was particularly drawn and sunken, no doubt from some of the more distasteful, scathing criticizm he recieved at work.

But what she expected wasn't anger or hate. What she feared the most was the exact response her father was now giving her.

Cyrion's face finally exhibited the emotions he had been too numb to show- horror and despair.

And Kallian despaired with him, falling to her knees on the hard wooden floor. No one spoke for a while as Cyrion's arms swung limply by his sides.

"I want to hear it from you," he said quietly.

What more was there to say? How could she defend herself?

"There's nothing more to add," said Kallian hoarsely.

"So you don't deny it?"

"No."

"Maker," breathed her father, staggering. Shianni and Soris took his arms to steady him. He waved them away and stumbled over to the chair.

"Uncle..." started Shianni but Cyrion shook his head.

"Water," he said weakly. "I need water."

Her cousin fetched him a cup of water. The man took a long draught as if he had been parched for days. He placed it down on the table loudly, regarding his kneeling daughter with tired eyes. There was a long pause as her father reflected on this truth. He kept sighing heavily and shaking his head. All the while, Kallian stayed there feeling so numb she could die and she wouldn't feel a thing.

Finally, Cyrion spoke up. "Kallian."

His daughter didn't reply.

"There is no future for you here."

"I know."

"We will help you pack your things."

"What? Uncle, no!" cried Shianni.

"You can't-" began Soris, but Cyrion slammed his hand on the table.

"Yes I can!" he shouted, eyes flashing. Then he closed his eyes in pain. When he continued, his voice was quieter. "No more will be said about this. She cannot stay here."

"But-"

He ignored Shianni. "I will provide you with what money we have, to help you on your way," said her father, face set like stone. "Besides that, there is nothing more that can be done."

Kallian heard these words ring with dooming finality. And she realized there was no more running away. She had to face this.

"Tonight," she said emotionlessly, standing up. "I will leave tonight."

"K-Kallian," stammered Shianni.

At that moment, the door opened and someone entered. Kallian turned around to meet Nelaros.

"Is it true?" he asked, grey eyes accusing.

A bitter smile twisted her lips. "Yes."

"How could you?" said Nelaros, shaking his head angrily. "How could you marry me?"

Kallian looked away from those piercing grey eyes. "I'm sorry."

"That's all you have to say?" asked the other elf incredulously. "You let me believe that you... that you..." His face contorted in rage. "I hope the Darkspawn take you!"

Something suddenly jolted her. Darkspawn...

Kallian looked around her, frowning. There was something wrong with this... something she was missing...

And then it hit her- she shouldn't be here. She should have left for Highever with Nelaros on her wedding day. Kallian searched her memories to find out what the missing piece was. What was it? What was it?

"Kallian?" asked Shianni, concerned. But when Kallian turned to her, she stepped back in shock. The face flickered between Shianni and the grotesque face of a shade.

Maker!

The elf backed away, drawing the dagger at her hip. But instead of the short blade, Kallian found herself holding a long sword. And then everything fell away and they were all standing on the barren wasteland of the Fade. The elves morphed into monsters that leered at her.

There was no time to think as they attacked. Kallian swung her sword in a wide arc, contacting flesh and bone. Blood splattered on her armour. She ducked and parried the Darkspawn's attacks. They lunged at her from all sides and she had to roll and dodge several times to avoid being clawed. With a few more powerful strikes, the Warden killed them all. She finished off with a stab to the Rage demon and slid her sword free. The bodies lay around her in the dirt, even more hideous in death.

Kallian stood there shaking as she recovered- both from the physical combat and the emotions she had been through. And when she did, she laughed. She laughed with tears in her eyes.

It was a dream, she thought, still laughing.

It had been so real. And yet, so flawed. She remembered everything now- Vaughn, the raping, Nelaros dead on the ground...

And now she was in the Fade, trapped in here by the sloth demon. Grim determination replaced the previous shock of the nightmare. Kallian cast her eyes about and saw the portal to the left.

I have to find the others.

Chances were, they would be trapped in dreams of their own.

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Kallian hurled the boulder at the thick barrier, taking it down. As soon as she crashed into the room, she was surrounded by Darkspawn. With her stony fists, Kallian slammed the ground. The violent tremors rocked the monsters off their feet and she wasted no time in pummelling the emissary. Once she squashed the Hurlock she swept the rest away effortlessly.

Kallian raised her massive arms and brought them down for another earthquake. She killed the remaining creatures within seconds. In her stone golem form, she raced through to the next room and charged the flaming demon. It took a few hits and quakes but she soon had it cornered. With one last smash, the demon died.

Everything grew taller again as Kallian shrank to her natural form.

She approached the Fade pedestal and took a deep breath before feeling the familiar rush of wind as it transported her. When she opened her eyes, Kallian saw Alistair talking to a woman in the distance.

"Hey! It's great to see you again! I was just thinking about you… isn't that a marvellous coincidence?" said the Warden as she drew near.

Kallian wanted to knock him out. She sighed. "We've got to get out of here, Alistair."

"Is this the friend you were talking about?" said the woman, giving her a smile.

Alistair brightened. "Kallian, this is my sister Goldanna." Then he gestured to invisible people beside her. "These are her children, and there's more about somewhere. We're one big happy family, at long last!"

The elf grimaced but felt a pang of sympathy for the Warden. Maker, he must want a family that badly…

She shook her head, drawing her sword and glaring at 'Goldanna'. "Get away from her, Alistair. She's a demon."

"Oh, that's what everyone says about relatives! But I've never been happier," he replied with a goofy grin.

"I'm overjoyed to have my little brother back! I'll never let him out of my sight again," said the demon, playing along.

Kallian rounded on Alistair, who had that grin plastered onto his face. "Alistair. Listen to me- where were you before this? How did you get here?"

The Warden frowned at her. "You're acting really strangely, you know."

"Just try to remember!"

"Oh, alright. If it makes you happy… it's all a bit hazy though." His brows furrowed. "No, wait… I remember a… tower. The Circle… it was under attack…. There were demons."

"Do you remember the sloth demon?"

"A-are you saying this is a dream? This isn't… real?"

"Of course it's real!" said the demon, scowling now. Then she quickly resumed her pleasant smiling. "Now wash up before supper and I'll-"

"Wait… this doesn't feel right," said Alistair, holding a hand to his head. "I… I think I have to go."

"No!" snarled the demon. "He was mine!"

'Goldanna' morphed into her true form, and Alistair gaped, drawing his own weapon. Skeletons came out of nowhere and converged on them. The elf swung her sword around with precise cuts, knowing that time was of the essence. She banged the demon in the face with her shield and together, she and Alistair decapitated the Darkspawn.

When they were finished, he stared down at the demon's body.

"I-I can't believe it. How did I not see this earlier?"

Kallian sheathed her weapon. "It probably did something to your head."

"Well, whatever it was," he said with a grimace. "I'm glad you're not Morrigan. She wouldn't give me a day's rest if she saw this happen."

Then both of them started in panic as Alistair glowed with light, fading into the air.

"Wait, where are you going? What's happening to me? Hey!"

"Alistair!"

But the Warden was gone.

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"Blessed art thou who exists in the sight of the Maker. Blessed art thou who seeks His forgiveness…"

Kallian felt a rush of relief as she ran to her.

"Leliana! Thank the Maker you're safe. What are you-"

The elder in chantry robes shot the elf a severe look. "Do not disturb the girl's meditations, please!"

The lay sister got up from her kneeling position. Kallian felt her stomach drop as she looked at her without recognition.

"Revered Mother, I do not know this person."

"Leliana… we're friends, remember?" said Kallian nervously, despite having seen Alistair in a similar state. At least he had recognized her.

"I'm… sorry," said the woman, a dubious look on her face. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Please do not vex her," said the Revered Mother. "She needs quiet and solitude, to calm her mind and heal her heart."

To heal her heart?

Kallian frowned- there was certainly more to this woman than her life as a chantry sister. Once again, she found herself thinking about the way she held her blades, her easy charm and strange secrecy…

But it wasn't her place to find out. Since stumbling upon Alistair in the Fade, she felt like she was intruding on her friends' privacy.

She fixed the sister with a firm gaze. "Leliana, listen to me. This isn't real."

"Isn't… real?" she asked suspiciously. "I don't understand."

Kallian racked her brain for anything that could help her see the truth. Then she had an idea.

"Don't you remember why you left the cloister? You had a vision from the Maker."

"A… a vision?"

"Leliana," warned the 'Revered Mother'. "We have already discussed this 'sign' of yours. The Maker does not care to interfere in the affairs of mortals. This 'vision' was likely the work of demons."

Kallian scowled. "Don't listen to her," she hissed, drawing Leliana's attention. "Is that what you really believe? Because that's not what you told me at the camp the other night."

At this, there was a change in Leliana's gaze. She turned to the elder, eyes narrowed. "She's right. The Maker cares for us. I believe He misses His wayward as much as we miss Him. My Revered Mother knew this. I don't know who you are, but you are not her." Leliana turned back to Kallian. "Let us leave. My head has not… completely cleared yet but… there is something familiar about you and I… I believe I trust you."

Kallian nodded. "Brilliant, now let's go."

"You are going nowhere girl!" said the old woman.

The elf groaned as the two faced a shade. Leliana gave a startled cry and drew her daggers. Again, Kallian hacked at the creatures with her sword, adding to the layer of blood on her armour with each strike. With a few slashes and a stab to the throat, it collapsed on the ground.

"Right, now let's- wait, what's happening to me?"

The elf watched helplessly as the lay sister disappeared into the air like Alistair had.

Maker, what's going on?

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Flemeth's face contorted with disdain as she regarded the mirror.

As Kallian approached, she had a brief glimpse of it- the frame was encrusted with gold, embedded with multifaceted gemstones that gleamed in the Fade light. To her shock, the woman flung the mirror on the ground, where it shattered to pieces. Kallian stopped in her tracks and stared at the pitiful remains. Morrigan stood there, also staring at the scattered shards. She bent down to pick one up. Kallian couldn't see the expression.

While her daughter knelt on the ground in silence, Flemeth shook her head.

"Have I taught you nothing, girl?"

The witch still remained quiet but Kallian saw her fingers curl into a fist.

"Foolish. Very foolish," said the older woman dangerously. "Tell me: is this pretty bauble worth being discovered by humans? By those who would use your power?"

Morrigan finally stood up, eyes hard. "'Twas nothing but a little girl's fascination."

"Beauty and love are fleeting and have no meaning," said her mother. "Survival has meaning. Power has meaning."

"There was no harm done- I was not discovered."

"Are you more clever than your own dear mother? Surely such pride must be punished!"

The sharp sound pierced the air like the crack of a whip as Flemeth struck her daughter. Morrigan stumbled at the blow, but drew herself up tall and haughty. Her eyes narrowed.

"That is for not showing respect!" spat the older woman, shaking her finger.

To Kallian's surprise, Morrigan smiled coldly. "That is far more like it, but it is too little too late, spirit."

Thank goodness, thought the elf, running toward the witch.

Morrigan stiffened in surprise when she saw Kallian. Her eyes flashed dangerously but the expression was gone as soon as it came.

"'Tis you at last," said the witch bitterly. "Now make yourself useful and help me get rid of this vexatious creature."

The Warden nodded, drawing her sword.

"Oh, she doesn't even acknowledge her own mother!" sighed the spirit dramatically. "My heart, it breaks!"

Whatever spirit it was, it was doing a poor job of acting.

Morrigan hissed and glared at Kallian. "What are you waiting for? Slay it, and quickly!"

'Flemeth' cackled and revealed its true form. Kallian swung her sword but it evaded her, attacking Morrigan. The witch blasted it with fire and electricity.

Together, they cornered the demon and Kallian broke down its defences to plunge her blade into the abdomen. For a moment, there was silence as the spirit crumbled down to ashes.

The light on Morrigan's staff faded, leaving the air dim and cold again. Kallian looked at the ground to see the pieces of the mirror, but they had vanished, gone with the demon's demise. Morrigan also turned her gaze to the spot and her lips twisted into a poisonous grimace. Kallian watched her cautiously, thinking back to what Flemeth had said.

Survival has meaning. Power has meaning.

But before she could do anything, the witch began to dissolve in the air. Kallian met Morrigan's golden eyes and recognized something in them. The witch didn't protest or cry out. She simply let herself disappear, mouth taut with regret and bitterness.

And Kallian was left standing there staring at nothing.