CHAPTER 9: At Least This Night

Talon barked madly at the pair as they walked, but neither of them noticed.

"And had you not jumped in at the last moment, I could have frozen the demon before the elf stepped into its trap!"

"Hey! I was only trying to-"

"Not to mention I had a tiring view of your thick skull all the way up."

"Now wait just a minute here-"

"We may have had a chance to plan an attack had you not barged in. But no, you could not resist flaunting your confidence in front of-"

"I-I did not-" spluttered Alistair, flushing furiously.

"Enough!"

Everyone jumped at the voice cutting through the night air. Even Morrigan blinked at Wynne, not expecting the woman to exhibit such austerity.

The mage sighed, lowering her tone. "That is quite enough. Uldred has been defeated and there is no more to say about what happened."

Morrigan crossed her arms to face her, eyes narrowed. "If we are to progress any further in this quest, we must examine the weak links in the chain. It is foolishness to think we can hope to accomplish anything otherwise."

"Oh, so I'm the weak link in the chain now, am I?" demanded Alistair, fuming.

"Please, let's all calm down. Surely we can settle this another way," intervened Leliana, looking between them helplessly.

"There is no other way, foolish girl!"

"Hey," said Kallian, stepping in. "There's no need to take it so far."

Wynne frowned. "You have a barbed tongue, Morrigan. Tell me, why do you speak to others this way?"

"I owe you no explanation," said the witch acidly.

"You are travelling with these people. It behoves you to be civil."

The witch's golden eyes flashed like lightning. "You are too transparent, old woman. I am not one of your Circle apprentices, to hang on your every word. I am not Alistair, who sees in you a surrogate mother."

"No, it's obvious you are nothing like Alistair."

"And for that, I am glad. Take your lectures elsewhere. They mean nothing to me."

The witch swept past them all and strode away, back stiff and haughty.

Kallian watched her go silently, remembering what she had seen in the Fade. She knew exactly what was ruffling the woman's feathers.

She was angry. Angry that she couldn't control the situation. To be specific, she was furious that Kallian had seen that aspect of her she had been striving to hide. That was the real underlying issue- arguing with Alistair was an excuse to vent her frustration.

Talon nudged her knee with his muzzle and stared up at her with worried eyes.

She smiled and patted him fondly. "It's alright, boy."

They all walked further along the path, weary and emotionally drained. It had been an exhausting day of fighting at the Circle Tower. But Kallian was just glad they all came out of it alive.

Two weeks ago she would have shrugged off the death of humans. But now, after coming close to dying multiple times with this motlety group of heroes, she realized they no longer felt like strangers. Were they her 'true brethren'? Was her mother right in saying this?

Kallian followed the others, locked in her contemplations. After walking for a while, they settled for a patch of land next to the path and set up camp. Kallian helped Sten chop wood and they soon had a fire going. As usual, the giant took his position silently away from the others- as did Morrigan. She had them make a separate fire near her tent and the elf saw her warming her hands.

Kallian shivered, suddenly feeling the chill seep in. Perhaps it was from encountering so many demons and Darkspawn, from going through the eerie realms of the Fade. Whatever it was, the air seemed colder than usual. She eyed her bedroll sceptically.

Since Talon had destroyed her tent, she had been forced to sleep outside. Arriving at Redcliffe, she had hoped to find someone who sold them, but every shop had been closed because of the Darkspawn. Alistair did offer to let her use his tent but Kallian had declined- if there was one thing she hated, it was being indebted to someone.

Speaking of Alistair…

Kallian looked over at the Warden, who sat dejectedly by the fire. She sighed and moved to sit by him.

"Hey."

He looked up. "Hey."

"You should get some sleep," she said, noticing the exhaustion on his face.

"I know, I probably should but…"

"You're thinking about what Morrigan said."

Alistair laughed humourlessly. "Is it that obvious?"

"Don't take it to heart," she said, picking up a stick and drawing on the ground. "She didn't mean it."

The other Warden smiled. "Oh, I get it. You're trying to make me feel better. It's alright, Kallian- I can handle it."

"No, really. She's… just upset."

Alistair sighed. "Kallian… you heard what she said. She said I'm the weak link in this group. And frankly, she couldn't be more right. I am the weak link."

She couldn't help it, Kallian laughed. Alistair blinked at her, looking a bit hurt. "Sorry…you just sounded so gloomy. Like a sad puppy."

"I'm not sure I like that comparison…"

"Well, it's not so bad. And you're not weak, Alistair. You got me here, through all of this."

At this, the Warden seemed to regain confidence. "I did?"

"Yeah," she said, punching his arm. "I used to hate humans, remember? Not to mention I nearly died at Ostagar…" Kallian grimaced at the memory.

Alistair smiled widely. "I did save you then, didn't I? I guess you owe me one."

The elf raised an eyebrow. "I saved your life as well."

"Well… alright," he said, sounding a little disappointed.

"You're a good man, Alistair. The dry jokes could use some improvement but... I think Duncan would be proud of you."

The other Warden beamed, looking pleased with himself. Then the smile faltered somewhat at the mention of Duncan.

"I hope so… I want to do my best as a Grey Warden."

Kallian nodded. "Same here."

A comfortable silence followed as both of them watched the fire crackling and the sparks jumping. Each of them was reliving different memories of the Rivaini man.

Then Kallian broke the silence. "How did you become a Warden?"

"Same way you did. You drink some blood, you choke on it and pass out. You haven't forgotten already, have you?"

The elf snorted. "Yes, very funny. Now answer the question."

"Let's see… I was in the Chantry before. I trained for many years to become a Templar, in fact. That's where I learned most of my skills."

Kallian blinked. "The Chantry? You don't seem like the religious sort. In fact, you're always telling Leliana not to convert you."

"Well, I'm not."

"Then why did you remain a Templar?"

"Have you seen their uniform? It's not only stylish but well-made. I'm a sucker for good tailoring."

Kallian laughed. "I suppose I should've expected it- the gelled up hair, the attention to fashion… you'd make a better girl than me."

"No thank you, I'm happy being a man."

"Alright. So how come I've never seen you wear it?" said Kallian,

"Oh, I keep it hidden under my pillow. Sometimes I'll take it out just so I can hug it fondly and remember the good old days." He sniffed. "Brings a tear to the eyes, you know?"

Kallian smirked. "And what were the good old days like?"

"Oh, you don't really want to know, do you? It's all quite boring."

"Then make it exciting."

"You know, I like the way you think. If you're really interested, I suppose there's no harm in obliging. But… the truth of the matter is, I did hate going to the monastery," said Alistair, his eyes suddenly turning gloomy. "The initiates from poor families thought I put on airs and the nobles ignored me for being a bastard son."

"That doesn't sound pleasant."

"No, it wasn't. I thought Arl Eamon had cast me off, unwanted. And I was determined to be bitter about it. But I took some solace from the training and… well, turns out I was actually good at it."

"Glad that worked out for you."

"Yes… me too. But enough about me- I'm sure you're bored to death by now. Do you consider the Alienage your home?"

Kallian stiffened at the mention of the Alienage. Alistair noticed and held up both hands. "Actually, forget I said that."

"No… it's alright," said the elf, taking a deep breath. "I did consider it my home. But now… I guess my home is with the Grey Wardens. I have a new duty, a new life."

"Oh. Is that really what you think? I… didn't know you felt that way," said Alistair, a tinge of hope colouring his voice. "You know… we won't always be travelling like this. Once the war is over, once the Blight is… well, a time will come when we'll have to think about a real home again."

"Assuming we survive," said Kallian grimly.

"Hey, don't lose hope. We'll make it out of this."

"Thanks for the encouragement."

"No problem. Besides… you helped me out of this sorry state today. It's the least I can do."

Kallian smiled.

"By the way," said Alistair. "Are you sure you don't want my tent? It's a really cold night…"

"Erm, no. I'm fine."

"No, that's not right," he said, shaking his head. "A girl shouldn't be sleeping out here."

Kallian raised an eyebrow. "Alistair, then you would be sleeping outside."

"Better me than you… oh, I know! If you insist, why don't you share with Leliana?"

The elf groaned inwardly.

Maker, not again…

"It's alright, I don't-"

"No, you're not getting out of this one. I'll be back."

Kallian watched helplessly as Alistair ran to the lay sister. The elf panicked, wanting to morph into a tree, a rock- for the Maker's sake, anything.

This couldn't be happening, especially not with a human- it wasn't just about her personal feelings on the matter. If her father found out… if anyone at the Alienage found out... she swallowed and thought back to her nightmare in the Fade. Moreover, Kallian was sure she didn't… lean that way. She remembered the way the sister had talked to Alistair and the way she had convinced that Templar guard to help them…

It was clear where her interests lay, and Kallian didn't trust her heart not to be broken.

Alistair came panting to her at that moment, looking pleased with himself.

Kill me now.

"Come on now, onto your feet. The good sister said yes, and you need to get some sleep."

Kallian wanted to throttle him.

"Thank you," she said through her teeth. He missed the sarcasm.

"You're welcome," the other Warden said, beaming. "See you in the morning, then."

She tried to calm her breathing and picked up her bedroll, dragging her feet to the sister's tent. Her heart was thudding so loudly she could hear the blood rush past her ears. She drew near and jumped when the flap opened. Leliana poked her head out and saw her.

"There you are! Come in, it's cold outside."

Shit.

The elf nodded and entered the darkness of the tent.

"I've tried to make as much room for you as possible. But maybe we could push this aside," said the sister, bending down to move her pack.

"No that's… fine," said Kallian, spreading out the bedroll. "I don't need that much space."

"Oh, of course," said Leliana. "But it is easy for me to forget about your stature."

Kallian raised an eyebrow at this. "It is?"

The sister nodded, chuckling. "You have such a bold character- I almost forget you're an elf when you have your armour on."

Despite herself, Kallian felt immensely pleased about this. Then she berated herself for the thought.

Kallian quickly lowered herself to the bedroll and all but threw the blanket over herself. She turned to face the tent wall, heart pounding. For what seemed like hours, the elf lay in that position stiffly, refusing to move. All of her senses were heightened to the maximum level and she could see every detail on the tent wall.

Kallian gripped her blankets and clenched her jaws. She swallowed painfully and lay there battling with herself.

"Kallian?"

The elf froze.

"Are you asleep?"

"… No."

"Oh, that's good. I just wanted to say… it was kind of you to spare that woman's life at the Circle Tower."

Kallian relaxed a little. "It wasn't kindness. I did what I thought was right."

"Well… whatever it was, I am glad you did. I know it was hard for you."

"Thank you."

They both lapsed into an easy silence, though Kallian still wasn't completely calm about the situation.

Leliana broke the quiet. "I'm sorry to bother you again, but I was just wondering where you learned how to fight? I have never seen an elf use such a style. It's very graceful, so refined."

At this, Kallian felt a bone cracking ache in her chest. All the energy seemed to drain away from her. She turned to lie on her back and faced the ceiling.

She did tell me about her vision. I guess it's my turn…

"From my mother."

"Your mother?" said the woman in surprise.

"Yes, she taught me everything she knew. Though… I had to keep this a secret."

"Why a secret?"

Kallian suddenly felt incredibly uncomfortable. "Well, because it wasn't… womanly. My father wanted me to marry and... it's not really approved of in the Alienage."

"Oh, I see," said the sister. "But you still trained."

"I did," said Kallian, smiling slightly at the memory. "My mother and I would spar whenever he was away."

There was a pause. "It sounds like the two of you were very close. She must miss you."

The elf felt her throat close up. "She… passed away."

"Oh! I'm so sorry…"

"It's alright. It was a while ago."

"If it is… any consolation, my own mother died when I was very young."

Now Kallian turned her head to see her. Leliana was lying on her back also, no doubt staring into some memory.

"What was she like?"

The sister shook her head sadly. "I was so young then, I don't have many memories of her. However, I recall standing in the gardens with her amidst the scents of sweet orange, lavender and… especially the scent of her grey linen dress. She kept dried flowers in her closet amongst her clothes- small white Ferelden wildflowers with a sweet fragrance." She frowned, thinking. "Yes, Mother called it Andraste's Grace. They were very rare in Orlais."

Kallian regarded her quietly. "It's a beautiful memory."

It was dark in the tent but her eyes could make out Leliana's smile. "Thank you. It is… one I cherish very much."

"It must have been difficult to leave your homeland then. How did you come to Ferelden?"

To her surprise, pain flickered across the woman's face briefly. "I… found myself in Ferelden, and sheltered from bad weather in the Chantry. And when the storm passed, I just… did not want to leave."

Kallian found herself becoming more and more curious to know this woman. "I heard that… in Orlais, minstrels are often spies."

Leliana stiffened suddenly.

"Where did you hear this?"

"Back in the Alienage, the Elder taught me history, among other things."

The sister eyed her cautiously but relented. "Not all minstrels are spies. Most are just singers and storytellers. But some of them… are what we call bards."

Kallian was confused. "What's the difference?"

"Bards are minstrels, and more. Spies, as you say."

"Ah."

The elf remembered what the sister had said about being a travelling minstrel, and this didn't quite fit…

She's a bard. Or… she used to be.

There was something in her past. Something she didn't want to share with anyone. And that made her all the more determined to know. Kallian sighed, frustrated with herself.

This was dangerous- as soon as they reached Redcliffe, she would have to purchase a tent.

"Well, whatever you used to be," she said, hoping to alleviate the woman's discomfort. "We're still happy to have you with us."

Kallian turned her head to see Leliana smile, and she felt a smile of her own stretching.

Then the sister seemed to hesitate before speaking again.

"I… have I ever told you I really like your hair?"

Kallian blinked at the non sequitur. "Um… my hair?"

"Mm hm. It's very nice, and simple. Not like the elaborate hairstyles we wore in Orlais. They involved flowers, ribbons, jewels… and one year, feathers were all the rage…"

The elf listened incredulously as Leliana recounted the story. She burst out laughing.

"What? That's ridiculous!"

"Yes, it was," said Leliana, laughing with her. "I don't envy the birds. She never washed her hair…"

Kallian made a disgusted noise, making the sister laugh harder. "Maker, what do you people do in Orlais?"

Leliana wiped the tears from her eyes. "Oh, we are not all like that. That was just one extreme example."

"Very extreme," said Kallian. "But really, I don't know why you would like my hair. It's terrible. I… cut it with my dagger at Ostagar."

"Well you must have an eye for this," said the sister, reaching out to touch it. Kallian stiffened but Leliana didn't seem to notice. "It's endearing."

The elf cleared her throat, eyes shifty. "Thank you. Your hair is… very nice."

Leliana's smile widened. "Why thank you."

"It's sort of like my cousin's. She has red hair too."

"She does? That's a pleasant surprise."

Kallian grinned. "But I have to say… your personalities are quite different."

"Oh?"

"She's very feisty. And you're…"

"Yes?"

Adorable. Perfect.

"…er, very kind. Delicate," she said, sweating.

"Oh," replied the chantry sister.

Was it her imagination, or did she sound slightly disappointed?

Leliana gave her a quick smile. "Thank you. And… you're very kind too." Her expression was teasing. "I know there's someone soft under that hard exterior."

Kallian's face grew warm and she was glad it was dark in the tent. "I guess there is… but don't tell anyone."

"I shall keep your secret to the grave," said the sister. There was a brief pause before she spoke again. "You know… I'm glad we met. I feel… I feel so comfortable when I'm talking to you. Like I could say anything and you wouldn't judge me."

Kallian glanced at her seriously. "Why would anyone judge you? They'd be more likely to judge me. Or Morrigan."

Leliana giggled. "Oh, don't let her catch you saying that."

"I'll keep my distance."

The sister laughed, a glint in her eyes. And Kallian couldn't help but think that… she looked achingly beautiful tonight. Her blue eyes were bright, even in the darkness of the tent.

Damn, she thought, groaning inwardly. It was times like these when she wished elves didn't have superior night vision.

She listened helplessly, feeling herself surrender to this woman's charms as the two talked deep into the night. And through the middle of it, Kallian realized it was hopeless to fight against it. At least… at least this night, she would let herself enjoy being in her presence.

Forgive me, mother.

And eventually she fell into deep slumber, untroubled by the nightmares of Darkspawn.