CHAPTER 16: What the Heart Wants

The arrow split the apple clean through the middle, landing with a solid thud.

Leliana's brows rose in surprise. She turned to the elf with a smile, which wavered at the lack of emotion in the expression. Kallian nocked another arrow and let it loose. The bard watched as the shaft landed an inch near the previous mark. Kallian picked up another, again with the same subdued automaticity.

"Kallian?"

The Warden turned slightly unfocussed eyes to her.

"Yes?"

Leliana eyed her with concern. "Are you alright?"

Kallian met her gaze for a moment before averting her eyes. "Sorry, I was distracted," she mumbled, raising the bow again.

The sister shook her head, putting a hand on the elf's arm. "It's getting late," she said. "We won't have enough light."

"Oh," said Kallian, as if noticing the sky for the first time. "I guess… we should stop then."

Leliana frowned as she watched the Warden walk over and wrench the arrows out from the tree. She observed every action with both concern and perplexity- for the last few days of travel, Kallian had been strangely detached and aloof. Almost as if she had returned to the same state she was upon their first meeting. Almost.

She wasn't cold- no, it wasn't that. Just… mechanical. And if Leliana didn't know any better, she would say that Kallian was… avoiding her. But she wasn't sure because the elf could be unpredictable at times. Was it her imagination? Or was something bothering her? Perhaps her memories of the Alienage? Leliana considered this, and then decided against it. A week had passed since the Gauntlet and Kallian had not shown any signs that it had affected her. At least, of course, none that she could see.

Was it something I said? Thought the sister, worried.

Had she been too obvious? Too forthright?

Maker, it had been too long since Leliana had tried her hand at romance. Had her skills deteriorated so terribly?

She thought things had been progressing towards a more hopeful direction… had she been wrong? Her intuition had never failed her before…

Kallian thanked her and walked away to have dinner. She didn't even look at the bard once.

Leliana felt the sting of hurt and rejection at this. She shook her head in confusion, flipping through the memories one at a time to find clues. Subconsciously, she fingered the two gifts hanging around her neck: the symbol of Andraste and the silver sword of mercy.

Were these gifts from a friend? Or something more?

Questions gave rise to more questions in her head as she stayed there a while. Finally, she realized the sun was down and walked over to the fire. When she neared it, Leliana was surprised to see Sten talking to Kallian. The Qunari usually never joined the others in conversation.

"But you understand my confusion, then," Sten was saying.

"What don't you get?" demanded the Warden.

"Women are priests, artisans, shopkeepers or farmers. They don't fight."

"You've got to be kidding me," she muttered. "That's not a universal truth. I fight. Leliana fights. Morrigan fights."

The Qunari frowned. "Why would women have a wish to be men? It makes no sense."

Kallian breathed out through pursed lips, face red with frustration. "Look. We want to be women who fight, not women who want to be men."

Leliana stared as the air charged up with tension between the two. Alistair seemed to notice also and came over.

"Uh… is everything okay?"

Neither of the pair replied. Leliana remained standing at a safe distance.

Alistair caught the elf's expression. "Sten... why don't you go sleep now? You've finished your meal."

The Qunari didn't seem to hear him.

Alistair sighed. "If you come with me, I'll give you my cookies."

This time, Sten turned his head to him. He hesitated. "Cookies?"

"Yep. Now let's go."

Sten made a discontented noise in his throat but left with the other Warden. Leliana raised an eyebrow at this, amusement bubbling up.

Sten likes cookies?

But then the laughter died in her chest when she saw Kallian flicking a glance at her. The elf made an abrupt turn to go.

Not so fast, thought the bard, frowning.

"Aren't you going to eat?"

Kallian stopped and looked down at her abandoned bowl.

"I'm not hungry."

Unfortunately, Kallian's stomach chose that moment to betray its master. She gritted her teeth in embarrassment. Leliana tried not to laugh as she took the elf's arm and sat her down. The Warden acquiesced reluctantly, muttering in elvish under her breath.

"Come on," said the bard, smiling. She pressed the bowl into Kallian's hands and took another for herself.

The elf eyed her cautiously before eating. Leliana shivered a little at the way Kallian's eyes glinted in the darkness… like those of a cat. Once again, she was reminded of the fact that no matter how human she looked, Kallian was not human. She took spoonfuls of her own meal and hid a smile at the way the elf devoured hers within seconds. Kallian wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and the bard took that chance before the elf disappeared again.

"Have I upset you in some way?"

"... No."

"You have been deep in thought for the past few days."

The elf ran a hand through her hair, muttering in elvish again. "I had some things to think about."

"I see…" Leliana looked down at her bowl, pausing. "You seemed very upset about what Sten said."

Kallian grimaced. "It just… reminded me of my life in the Alienage."

This piqued her interest. "In what way?"

The elf's eyes seemed to burn in the firelight. "The standards, expectations," she answered, voice rough in the quiet air. "Women are supposed to be weak and submissive in our culture. I hated it."

Leliana nodded. She had some idea of this, at least. "I have heard a little of how it is with your people. But it is not so different among humans."

Kallian shrugged. "At least you didn't have to marry someone you didn't know."

Now this was news to her.

Her eyes widened. "You're married?"

A bitter smile twisted the elf's lips. "Was. Not anymore." The smile slipped off.

"What happened?"

"He was killed," said Kallian, eyes dead and flat.

"I-I'm so sorry," said Leliana, still stunned to learn of this fact.

"No need to be," said the Warden with a harsh laugh. "I didn't even know him."

Leliana paused for a moment before continuing hesitantly. "So you cannot marry who you want?"

The elf stared down at the ground, mouth stiff. Leliana was afraid she had asked the wrong question but Kallian answered her.

"No. My father made the match."

"I see…" said the bard, feeling real sympathy for the elf. "What was your… betrothed like?"

"Everything a husband should be," said Kallian emotionlessly. "Good looking, an accomplished smith, polite, brave."

Leliana blinked. "But you didn't seem very enthusiastic about the match."

The elf laughed humourlessly. "No, I wasn't."

"Well, why not?" A thought occurred to her. "Did you have a lover?"

Kallian avoided her gaze. "No. I didn't."

"Then why…?"

"Maybe another time," said Kallian, looking weary.

Leliana bit her lip, wanting to ask more. But she nodded.

A long, uncomfortable silence ensued after that. It was a very quiet night, which only served to worsen the gloomy atmosphere. The only thing Leliana could draw reassurance from was that Kallian didn't move away.

"Would you like to hear a song?"

The elf lifted her head, finally facing her in surprise. "A song?"

Leliana smiled, nodding. Without waiting for a reply, she ran to her tent to fetch her lute. When she came back, Kallian was waiting expectantly. The bard felt slightly self conscious as the elf watched her tune the instrument. But time had not dulled her skills- Leliana felt the familiar tension of the strings and the rough texture as she pressed on them. A smile came unbidden to her lips as the first notes rang in the air.

It was an elvish song she had heard long ago but her command of this language was poor. Instead, she sang it in her native tongue.

Time was once a blessing
but long journeys are made longer
when alone within.
Take spirit from the long ago
but do not dwell in lands no longer yours.

Be certain in need,
and the path will emerge
to a home tomorrow
and time will again
be the joy it once was

Leliana finished off with a few strums and the last of the plucked notes faded into the air. She looked over to see Kallian watching her intently.

"You play well," said the elf.

"Thank you," said Leliana with a modest smile. "It is a song they sing when one is weighed down by sorrows or personal struggles. We walk this life surrounded by darkness, but tomorrow is another day, another beginning. The sun will always rise to bring the morning. And if there is light, there is hope."

Kallian's dark eyes reflected the flickering fire. "I don't know if I can take any more deaths."

Leliana nodded sadly. "Yes, the loss of life can cast shadows on the soul. But…I believe that death is just another beginning. One day we must all shed our earthly bodies to allow our spirits to fly free."

The Warden didn't reply immediately and Leliana held her breath. Then: "Father always said that. I never really believed it- it seemed too good to be true. But after all that's happened… it's strangely comforting to hear that."

Leliana smiled, relaxing. "It's a beautiful sentiment, I think- one that brings peace and hope to the grieving."

Kallian smiled back hesitantly. Then she cleared her throat. "Could you… could I hear another song?"

The bard laughed, taking up her lute again. "Of course. What would you like?"

"Anything."

"Well then," said Leliana, starting a soothing tune. "We shall venture into the lands beyond the Waking Sea."

The elf listened curiously as the bard sang of her homeland and the great love of a mother for her child, living a poor but happy life in the streets of Val Foret. And Leliana closed her eyes, imagining her own mother. As always, she could only bring to mind her grey linen dress, the warmth of her embrace and the hint of the scent she would wear.

When she finally opened her eyes, Leliana was surprised to see the elf nodding off, her dark bangs falling to cover her face. The bard chuckled and put down her lute. It was late into the night now, and everyone had retired to their tents. Kallian was practically asleep and leaning dangerously to the side.

"Kallian?"

She shook the Warden gently. The elf simply mumbled and continued to hang her head. After several attempts, Leliana gave up. She went and brought the elf's bedroll to the fireside and laid it out. Kallian wasn't too heavy, but there was still some effort required to position her right.

The elf sighed as Leliana helped her lie down and the bard sat there watching the flames light up her drawn face. Sleep smoothed out her features and made the expression less severe- almost childlike. Leliana smiled and fingered the symbol around her neck. After a moment's deliberation, she took it off and laid it by the elf's side. The sister looked down again at the pale face and hesitated before leaning in to press her lips against Kallian's.

"Sleep well," she whispered.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

That night, Kallian dreamed of her mother.

No one was home. Father was out and her cousins were working with him.

Kallian was left to the intimidating silence of the house and its brooding loneliness. She walked hesitantly to her bedroom and paused in the doorway. Adaia sat on the edge of her bed, folding clothes. Her mother didn't even look up when Kallian entered. After a very thinly stretched moment, Kallian couldn't bear the silence any longer.

"Mother."

Adaia didn't reply.

She tried again. "Are you mad at me?"

The older woman stopped the task and stared at the ground, all the life drained from her.

"You have been shutting me out, Kallian."

"I know."

"Valendrian tells me you have been neglecting your studies."

Kallian worked her jaws. "I… I can't live like this, mother."

Adaia lifted her eyes and seemed to age another twenty years. She patted the spot next to her. Her daughter sat down by her side.

"You must, emm'asha."

Kallian looked down at the ground, lacing her fingers together. Acid rose up in her throat and her chest ached. "What if… what if I could find a way?"

Her mother shook her head slowly. "No."

"I could start a business, I could work for Valendrian-"

"No woman in the Alienage can support herself. You know this."

"Marriage can't be the only way!" growled Kallian, grabbing her hair as if to pull it out.

"Kallian... you know this cannot be," said Adaia. "We have hardly enough to provide for you and your cousins."

Her daughter glared at the murky grey walls and the wooden framework rotting from water that leaked through during storms. Here and there she saw the gnaw marks of resident rats they had never been able to completely eradicate.

She hated this. She hated this situation so much.

Adaia continued. "You must keep it secret. No one must know."

"Damn it!" said Kallian, closing her eyes tightly. Tears burned behind her eyelids. "I can't do this!"

"You must!" hissed her mother.

"Then I'll leave this place."

"You are young," said Adaia. "You do not understand what you say."

"It's better than being doomed to this fate! What's the point of living?"

"And what about me?" asked her mother. "Have you thought about how I feel, Kallian?"

"You're ashamed of me."

Her mother shook her head and took in a shuddering breath. "I cannot accept this. I never thought… my own daughter!"

Bitterness twisted Kallian's mouth.

Adaia dabbed at the tears in her eyes, looking despondently at the wall. She sighed as if her soul was departing from her.

"You can change, Kallian. Pray to the Maker that you will."

At this, her daughter bristled in anger. "No one can change me. How many times do I have to tell you to make you understand?"

But Adaia wasn't giving up. "Perhaps you will learn to love your husband."

"This isn't just about my future!" hissed Kallian, glaring at her. "You're upset because I destroyed your dream! You dreamed of me marrying and having children to pass on my heritage!"

"Yes! I did! But open your eyes, Kallian! You cannot survive outside the Alienage. Stay here. Stay here and live in the comfort of marriage."

"Then let me die! It would be better than being imprisoned in this rat hole!"

Kallian stared at the wall in shock as the slap burned her cheek.

There was a long pause as the two struggled to recover from their emotions. The younger elf sat there staring numbly. Her mother broke the silence.

"I am not ashamed of you, Kallian. But I cannot accept this. I did not spend all those years raising you, only to let you live the life of an outcast."

"Then what about the training? What was the point of that?"

"It was one of the few things I had left to pass on to you."

Kallian stayed silent.

"It is for you, emm'asha," said her mother. "I am sorry but it is the only future you have."

"The only future…" murmured Kallian bitterly.

"And think of your family, think of your cousins."

Her mother looked at her almost pleadingly, and Kallian hated it. She had never seen Adaia so vulnerable before. The elf closed her eyes tightly. She knew her mother was right. She knew it. But that didn't make it any less painful.

Without replying, she walked out of the room shakily, knowing that her mother would never understand.

It was still dark. The fire had long since died out and the cold was starting to seep in. Ghostly outlines of the tents stood out in the slivers of moonlight passing through the trees.

I must have fallen asleep, she realized, remembering Leliana singing to her.

Kallian lay on the bedroll, the emotions of her memory still fresh and painful. But to her surprise, they weren't as intense as they used to be. A dull ache, more from the thought of disappointing her mother than anything else.

She lay there, staring up at the pitch black sky and fingering her lips. Perhaps it was her imagination. It could have been a dream. But somehow… she had the unshakeable feeling the kiss had been real.

Kallian half laughed to herself.

She thought she had left it all behind when she married Nelaros. Maybe with the right man she would forget about that side of her. But no… fate toyed with her life again. And this time, it had thrown in a human. And not just any woman- a human woman.

Kallian couldn't do it anymore. She had battled with herself day and night, tossing and turning, repressing these feelings with loathing. She couldn't fail her father, she had to bring honour to the Tabris name- that's what she told herself.

No one had affected her like this before. Not even Arissa. It was like there was a chain enslaving her to this woman. Her words pulled her in like the songs of sirens, like the unyielding pull of the moon on the waves. And those eyes… hypnotizing. The copper hair, the flawless skin, those lips…

Kallian groaned in frustration and clawed at the blankets, wanting to tear it to pieces.

Why?

She spent the next few minutes, or hours, trying to sleep. Again, it was so futile it was laughable. Kallian finally got up to pull on her boots and throw on a jacket. The elf faced the sky, breathing out deeply. She closed her eyes, running a hand down her face. Kallian stood there and took in the crisp night air. It was refreshing, almost soothing to her troubled spirit. She felt she could surrender herself to the raw energy of the night. Lose herself in it and never return.

The Warden closed her eyes. She knew she couldn't escape this- because wherever she went physically, her feelings would always be with her. Because despite everything she told herself, she knew what her heart wanted.

"Kallian?"

Kallian's eyes snapped open. She turned to stare incredulously at Leliana.

Maker, could she ever escape from this woman?

"It is you," said the bard, striding toward her. Kallian stiffened, wanting to vanish into thin air. She started sweating like crazy, heart beating violently.

Leliana didn't seem to notice. She took her place next to the elf, staring up at the sky.

"The night is peaceful isn't it?" she said, hugging herself. "And the stars are out."

Kallian tried to follow her gaze but couldn't tear her eyes away from that face.

"Yes, they are."

"It comforts me to know that the stars will remain untouched by the Blight. That whatever happens, their light will stay undimmed," said the sister, smiling. Then she pointed to a group in the east. "There is a story about the cluster of stars over there. Do you know it?"

"No."

"Would you like to hear it?"

Kallian hesitated before nodding.

"A long time ago, there lived a fair maiden called Alindra. She had many suitors but she spurned them all, for she did not love them. One day, Alindra was sitting by the window in her father's castle, singing and dreaming… when her lovely voice caught the attention of a young soldier. Entranced by her voice, he drew near to Alindra's window. As their eyes met, he fell in love with her and she with him. When Alindra told her father about the man she had chosen, he was furious. For Alindra was high born but her love was a common soldier. To keep them apart, he had Alindra imprisoned in the highest tower of his castle and sent the soldier to war."

"Kallian… you know this cannot be." Her mother's words rang loud and clear in the Warden's mind.

"Not a month had passed when she heard news of his death. She wept for her love and begged the gods to take her away. So earnest was her plea that the gods themselves were moved, lifting her high into the heavens, where she became a star. They also lifted up the soul of the soldier, and there he dwells, across the horizon from her."

Kallian swallowed heavily, the ache in her chest becoming more pronounced by the minute.

"The band of stars between them is a river of Alindra's tears, cried for her lost love. They say that when Alindra has cried enough, she will be able to cross the river to be reunited with her soldier."

"It's… it's a beautiful story."

Leliana nodded. "It is one of my favourites- a tale of a love so great and enduring that it defies death and moves the gods to action. Sometimes… I ask myself: does such a love exist? Can it exist?"

Kallian looked up with difficulty, feeling drained but helplessly drawn to her.

"Maybe," she said quietly.

There was a long pause, and Leliana's face was veiled by her hair. "You know," she said. "I enjoy these nights, the peace and safety that it brings… even if, as you said, there are Darkspawn out there. Even knowing this, I feel… I feel safe… with you."

Kallian's lips twitched into a weak smile. "Well," she said hoarsely. "I'd be a poor leader if one of you died on my watch."

Leliana turned her face to her, and the elf felt the breath knocked out of her. The moonlight bathed her face in an ethereal glow.

"What I mean to say is," said the bard, hesitating. "I enjoy these nights out with you. The long talks we have by the fire … well, I talk and you listen mostly," she said with a slight smile. But then she turned serious. "I wanted to say that I… that I trust you Kallian. You are… our leader, and my friend and… and sometimes, I think that m-maybe… we can be more than that."

The Warden listened at first with curiosity, then warmth and then finally complete shock at the words coming out from the bard's mouth.

What?

Kallian stood there gaping, unable to do anything but stare like an idiot.

She… is she saying what I think she's saying?

Leliana stood facing her, fidgeting with her sleeves. "Maker, look at me," she said, laughing nervously. "Stumbling over my words like an ill-educated peasant girl. Some bard I am."

Kallian gazed at her, feeling like the world was contracting down to a narrow focus. There were so many things about her that screamed forbidden: female, human, bard. It was against everything she had been taught from an early age. And yet... all she could see was this woman in all her perfection. She was beautiful. Just beautiful.

The elf felt a helpless grin spreading on her face. "You're cute when you're embarrassed."

For the first time, she saw a true blush appear on Leliana's cheeks. "I-I'm not embarrassed! I'm just… flushed because… because…"

Kallian laughed, almost choking. She laughed in disbelief. She couldn't believe this woman wanted her.

"Maker," she said, still laughing like crazy. "I do... I do want more than friendship. I thought that was obvious."

Leliana blinked, blushing deeper. "You… you do?" she said. "Oh… how very awkward! You felt the same way and didn't do me the courtesy of informing me?" she said indignantly.

Kallian burst out laughing again, her chest exploding with emotion. "By Andraste! Leliana, you didn't give me any clues either. I thought you only liked men!"

The bard's eyebrows climbed high. "But… what do you mean? I gave you lots of clues!"

Kallian chuckled, holding a hand to her forehead. "Oh, man. You couldn't be any more subtle. And to think I was-"

Her eyes widened as soft hands took her head. The bard's lips pressed against hers and Kallian closed her eyes, sinking into a comforting bliss that was so wrong. And yet... so right.

By the Maker…

And in the peace of the night, under the stars they kissed… the beginning of a great and enduring love.