CHAPTER 17: Broken

Since leaving Orzammar, the stocky dwarf had been uncharacteristically silent. Everyone wisely left him alone, as he refused to be comforted. Actually, it was more like he refused to admit he needed comforting. Oghren made every effort to appear as though he didn't care.

Kallian failed to stop the coughing fits along the way as they travelled the northern perimeter of Lake Calenhad.

Bloody hell, she thought, blowing her nose. Kallian hoped Wynne's medicine would work in time.

At least the air was moving into warmer temperatures now, away from the chill of the Frostbacks. Her fingers were no longer numb, and the stiffness had gone from her limbs. And more importantly, she had food in her belly. The only reminder of the Deep Roads was the stubborn cough she had developed. It didn't surprise her- the place had been filled with dust and other things that befouled the air.

Finally, they arrived at the last flat plains before the Bannorn. Kallian scouted out an open area with moderate cover- rocks and trees defending them from the south and west. It would have to do. She knew she had made the right decision when everyone collapsed on the ground, exhausted. No one had the strength to pitch the tents yet.

The elf had barely removed her armour when a shadow fell over her. She shielded her eyes from the sun with a hand, just making out the form of Alistair. He looked awkward and troubled, but determined.

"Kallian, can I talk to you?"

The elf nodded, gesturing for him to sit. A few meters away, she saw Leliana eye the pair cautiously. But she made no move to intervene.

Kallian faced the other Warden, who sat picking at the grass for a few minutes before speaking.

"I've… been thinking," he said.

She braced herself.

"I've, er… I've noticed that you and… Leliana…" He paused, looking uncomfortable. "Have gotten very close. Closer than friends, shall we say."

"Alistair…"

"At first, I never thought much of it. Well, it just looked like two girls becoming best friends. But when I heard about… about Branka and Hespith, it occurred to me that this might be a possibility… that you and her could be… you know."

Kallian cringed inside.

The other Warden was still talking. "I've always wondered why you never showed any interest in me… well, of course, it could just be that I'm not attractive enough. But you never talked about men that way. I just never…" His voice trailed off uncertainly and he laughed nervously. "I mean, I could be completely wrong. I can be a mite paranoid sometimes but… is this my imagination?"

The elf looked Alistair in the eye for a moment, trying to decide. She didn't want to hurt his feelings, but she didn't want to hide this anymore. "Alistair, Leliana and I are lovers."

Alistair made an effort to keep his face neutral but Kallian could see the light dim in his eyes. He nodded slowly. "I see."

"It wasn't because you were unattractive, Alistair. I'm sure loads of women would line up for your attention. It's just… you know."

"I understand."

There was a long, painfully awkward silence. Kallian bit the inside of her cheek and squirmed in her spot on the ground. Alistair looked down at the grass and started picking at it again.

"I, er…" said Kallian. "I hope this doesn't affect our friendship."

Alistair shook his head quickly. "Oh no, don't worry about that," he said cheerfully. "I'm fine. Really!"

Doubt and guilt gnawed at her but she tried to ignore it. "That's… a relief." She cleared her throat. "You're like a brother to me Alistair, and I'll need your help every step of the way."

Alistair nodded, plastering a grin on his face. "Well, that's me, isn't it? Good old Alistair." Then he got up suddenly, brushing the grass off his legs. "Thanks for clearing it up, Kallian. I should erm… I should go ready the pot."

Kallian watched as he walked away.

"Brilliant," she muttered to herself.

She lay her back on the grass, staring up at the sky. There weren't many clouds now, just wisps of white in the background. She closed her eyes and felt the breeze on her face, thinking for the millionth time how glad she was to leave the Frostbacks. There was a warm pressure against her right arm and she opened her eyes. Leliana was lying next to her, looking up at the sky.

"I told him," said the Warden.

"I know," said the bard, leaning her head against Kallian's shoulder.

"You do?"

"Well," said the sister, a small smile on her face. "Why else would he be sulking beside the fire?"

Kallian raised an eyebrow. "Um… aren't you being a bit too happy about this?"

Leliana chuckled. "I do feel sorry for him but…even he couldn't ignore what was happening."

"I guess…"

"And… how do you feel?" asked Leliana, brushing a strand of hair from the elf's eyes.

Kallian smiled wryly at her. "Fine. Better, even. It was getting way too awkward anyway."

The bard looked slightly troubled but smiled back.

The two lapsed into a comfortable silence, listening as the birds sang their last songs before evening. Autumn leaves floated down from all directions, and Kallian was suddenly reminded of her mother. Adaia had loved the maples and the humble, sombre colours of the season. It was rare to see her smile, but when she did, it made the world a much brighter place. Seeing the crisp, colourful leaves brought to mind memories fresh from the past.

The elf unsheathed the dagger from her belt, raising it in the air to gaze at it. The blade glinted in the sunlight, which revealed the faint green sheen of the metal. She twirled it around, admiring the rays reflecting off it.

"Can I see that?" asked Leliana suddenly, her voice oddly quiet.

Kallian handed it to her with the sheath. She watched as Leliana pulled it out and examined it. The elf frowned as the sister's eyes widened. Leliana turned to her, as if seeing a ghost. She sat up, looking down.

"What's wrong?" asked the elf, also sitting up.

"Kallian, where did you get this?"

Kallian gave her a strange look before replying. "My mother."

"Did she… was she dark skinned with brown hair and light eyes?"

The elf nodded, brows raised. Of course, she had never known anyone outside of her Alienage to see elves matching that description. But apart from Adaia, she could think of no one else. "You've met her?"

"Yes…" Leliana faltered. "We met… in the dungeons."

"Wait," said Kallian, eyes widening. "You."

"Once… Someone who knew what was right. Someone who valued life and protected it."

"She was a light in the dark…"

"Maker," breathed Kallian.

Her mind took her years back, when Adaia had once come to sing her to sleep…

"Da'vhenan… what is it that troubles you?"

The young elf shifted under the blankets. "I hate shems. I hate them all."

Adaia sighed and sat on the edge. "Would that I could, I would have raised you elsewhere… child, this is not a place where the best of humans visit. You have not met all of them."

Kallian shook her head. "It doesn't matter. One is enough."

The older woman paused before laying a hand on her daughter's forehead. "Shall I tell you of when I rescued your uncle?"

"You snuck into the Arl's estate, took out the guards and sent uncle down a window with a rope. Yeah, I know that story."

Adaia laughed. "Yes… but I did not tell you all of it."

"What more is there?"

The woman's eyes darkened further as she remembered. "I was caught by the Arl's men, and taken down to the dungeons."

Kallian sat up quickly, eyes wide. "The dungeons?!"

Adaia nodded. "You were too young and I had no desire to build on the hatred you already had."

"But… but mother!" said Kallian, eyes flashing. "The bastards!"

Adaia sucked in her breath, giving her a stern look. "Language, Kallian." Then she sighed again. "Lie down and I shall tell you…"

Her daughter still looked furious but relented. She lay down and glared at the opposite wall.

"After your uncle escaped, my companions and I took the passage leading out. But we took the wrong turn and ended up in the common room. We tried to leave, but before we could, we were surrounded. It was a futile fight. My companions… none of them survived." Pain flickered across her face. "I was thrown into the dungeons, kept there for interrogation. They wanted to know where a city elf had learned these skills. If I had a benefactor, a lord who sent me. Perhaps the Arl's rival. I told them it was to save your uncle, but they would not believe me. They used… cruel methods to bring out the answer they wanted."

Kallian bristled. Her dark eyes burned with hatred.

"And I thought I would never leave. I thought I would die in the dungeons."

"What happened?"

"The unthinkable- a human saved me."

"What?"

"She was a prisoner, like I was."

"A human prisoner?" asked Kallian. For some reason, the fact that humans could also be mistreated by other humans had never occurred to her. All she had ever thought about was the repression of her people.

"Yes," said Adaia, smiling. "She was a brave girl. A wonderful girl."

Kallian didn't reply but her mother continued.

"She could have left me there and escaped alone. But she helped me find Fang and I managed to leave the castle. And when I left the place, I promised I would teach my daughter about humans like her."

Her daughter stayed silent, brooding over this story until sleep had her under its command…

Kallian stared at Leliana.

And when I left the place, I promised I would teach my daughter about humans like her…

She felt a pang of guilt for not listening to her mother. For not believing her. Despite everything her mother had said, she had continued to despise the entire human race. And it was only now that her perspective had changed- by meeting the very person who had impressed Adaia so.

This is insane.

Kallian kept shaking her head. "You're the one mother was talking about."

The bard blinked. "She talked about me?"

The elf laughed in disbelief. "Yes! Maker, she always talked about you. A light in the darkness, that's what she always said."

Leliana looked away. "I am… touched. But I don't deserve such a description."

Kallian grinned, emotion swelling in her chest. She reached out and took the woman's hand. "You saved my mother. That's enough to deserve it."

Leliana looked up and smiled back weakly. "Thank you. I am sorry she passed away… I would have wanted to meet her again."

"She would have liked that."

They remained like this until Alistair finished cooking, holding hands and staring at each other. And Kallian found that she didn't care if anyone saw them. She just didn't. All she could think about was how crazy everything was, how this could all just happen. It couldn't be coincidence. It couldn't be.

Wynne called them and Leliana made to get up. Kallian gripped her hand tighter and the bard glanced at her questioningly.

"Leliana, back in the Temple of Sacred Ashes… I saw your back."

A weary, guarded expression took hold of the sister's face.

"It was from the dungeons… wasn't it?"

Leliana's hand went slack and she sat down again. She nodded.

Wynne called again and Kallian stood up. "Wait here, I'll get the food."

She left the sister on the grass and fetched two bowls. They both ate in silence and Kallian walked over to get another helping. Leliana smirked a little at this.

"Appetite is still strong, I see," she teased.

Kallian grinned. "I'm a Warden, remember?"

When they finished the meal, Kallian took them over to a group of trees at the edge of camp. Night was descending, with the last of the rays casting a fey glow in the sky. Leliana hesitated but seemed to know there wasn't any point in avoiding the situation.

"I…" started Leliana. "I lied to you, you know. About why I left Orlais."

Kallian stiffened, hurt lancing through her chest. "Why?"

Didn't you trust me enough to tell me? she couldn't help thinking.

Leliana gave her a pained expression. "I didn't feel like talking about it then- what happened to me. Maybe it will affect us, maybe not, but… you should know."

The elf stood there patiently, listening and wondering. What could possibly be in her past that would change Kallian's opinion of her?

"I left Ferelden… because I was being hunted in Orlais."

"Hunted?" said Kallian, eyes narrowed. "What for?"

"I was framed," said Leliana, voice hollow. "Betrayed by someone I thought I knew and could trust. Marjolaine… she was my mentor and friend. She taught me the bardic arts, how to enchant with words and song, to carry myself like a high born lady, to blend in as a servant."

Kallian listened grimly- yes, she had noticed all these things. The way Leliana could capture people's attentions with her melodic voice, the natural grace and poise befitting a noblewoman…

"I used these skills to serve her, my bardmaster… because I loved her."

For a moment she didn't know what to say. Kallian opened her mouth, closed it, and then opened it again. "But you did your duty," said the Warden, confused. "What happened?"

"I thought I knew her," replied Leliana quietly. "My devotion to her blinded me to her… less than noble attributes. You can say it was my fault. There was a man I was sent to kill and bring her everything he carried. I don't know who this man was. But I found documents on his body- sealed documents."

"And you opened them."

"Yes. Something told me that I needed to know what was in those letters. Marjolaine had been selling all kinds of information about Orlais to other countries; Nevarra, Antiva, among others. It was treason."

"And… I'm guessing this was beyond what bards normally do?"

"Our loyalties are always kept fluid. But something of this scale is dangerous for any bard. My concern was not that she was a traitor, but that her life would be in danger if she was caught. Orlais has been at war with so many countries… it takes a harsh of view of such things, as I later discovered."

Hearing this, Kallian felt a stab of jealousy mixed with disgust for this Marjolaine. How could anyone take advantage of her like this? Or anyone, for that matter?

"Who did you give the documents to?"

"Marjolaine. No one else. I resealed and gave them to her, as she had instructed. I should have left well alone but I didn't. I confronted her and she admitted to her guilt, but she brushed aside my concerns. She said that it was in the past- that was why they had to be destroyed. I believed her… I believed her up until the point where they showed me the documents, altered by her hand to make me look the traitor."

Kallian stared at her in helpless incredulity. That… bitch!

"What happened then?" she forced herself to ask.

Leliana swallowed and gazed into the darkness, no doubt reliving her memories. "The Orlesian guards captured me. Did… terrible things to make me reveal my conspirators. I lost a dear friend of mine, and endured a traitor's punishment. And after that, all that awaited me was eternity in an unmarked grave."

"And you didn't take revenge?"

The bard shook her head. "No. If I had returned to confront her, she would have me captured again. What could I do against her? So I fled to Ferelden, to the Chantry and the Maker. Ferelden protected my person and the Maker saved my soul. And that is the reason, the real reason I am here."

Kallian stood there quietly, gazing at Leliana's silhouette in the darkness.

Maker, how did she survive all this?

Upon meeting her, Kallian had taken the sister's words for granted. All that talk about the Maker and faith… of course she didn't see reality, she had thought. She was a pampered chantry sister, living in the comfort of ignorance. Away from dirt and squalor, away from suffering. She couldn't have been more wrong.

Kallian took the bard's hand. "Ir abelas, ma vhenan," she said, forgetting that the sister wouldn't understand. "I promise… you will be safe with me. I will protect you."

She saw Leliana smile faintly in the darkness.

"Thank you… for listening to me, and understanding."

"I'll always be here for you," said Kallian.

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Leliana sagged against the chains, vision flickering. The wet stone walls blurred and split in two, then fused again. Her screams were still echoing in the chambers, and she could almost hear the pitter patter of feet as rats fled. Boots thudded on the ground, coming toward her. He was taking his time, enjoying the slow struggle. The woman's head lolled on her neck in exhaustion. Her back was searing, stabbing, ripping and swelling in agony. There wasn't a single inch of skin that wasn't bruised. She had never thought it possible to feel so many different types of pain all at once.

It was his specialty, he had said. To teach bitches like her not to lie.

Leliana hung there, swinging slightly. Her breath came in ragged gasps, and she was almost past the point of feeling. She begged inwardly to let it stop. Someone, anyone who could hear her…

If he would let the darkness take her, to end this. Because it wasn't merely physical- the gods were feeding on a feast of her pain. She had thought the world had ended when her mother died. Everything in life lost its colour, lost its joy. But she realized that the true pain was meeting Marjolaine. It was all a cruel deception- a wonderfully pleasant, alluring lie.

To die at the hands of a seductress… was it worth it?

She laughed weakly, closing her eyes.

"Think this is funny, do you?" her torturer sneered. "We'll see if you're laughing after this!"

There was a crack and the sound of tearing flesh, both eclipsed by the scream that burst from her lips. The man laughed and whipped her again and again, drawing deep trenches in her skin. The curved barbs caught in the flesh and she screamed again, despite her weariness. Her back arched in torment as he pulled it out. Leliana hung limply, almost falling to the floor had the chains not been there.

The man tutted mockingly and threw the whip on the floor.

Leliana alternated between sobbing and gasping as even the slightest movement set her back on fire. She cried and begged, seeking reprieve.

Kill me! I want to die! She thought in anguish.

"That'll teach you," he said, unchaining her. She collapsed to the floor.

The man dragged her over to her cell and threw her down. Leliana lay there as the moonlight streamed in through the high window. For a time, she did not have the strength to even cry. She lay face down, away from the pain in her back. Her hair was bloodied and plastered to her face, slick with sweat.

Please, anyone…

The bard sobbed and shook in the cold stone cell, cheek pressed against the floor and praying for the nightmare to end.

"Leliana?"

The bard sobbed in the darkness of her tent, tears soaking through her blankets. She was lying face down, her back still burning intensely. Leliana buried herself deeper within the blanket, not wanting Kallian to see her. But she couldn't stop crying and the tremors came in greater waves with each second. Strong hands rolled her on her side.

"Maker, Leliana… it's alright. It's just a dream," soothed the elf.

The bard covered her face with her hands, still trembling. And when Kallian drew her to her, embracing her with warm arms, Leliana heaved even more violently.

"You're safe," said Kallian, cradling her. "I'm with you," she murmured, and Leliana felt her sobs die down slightly at the sound of her low voice.

The woman gripped the elf's tunic tightly, crying into the shirt until the last of her tears drained away. By the end of it she felt like an empty well, dried up in the heat of drought. Leliana kept her face buried in the front of Kallian's shirt.

When the elf tried to lay her down, the bard still clung to her.

"Leliana, er…"

"I… I don't want you to see my face," said the sister.

At this, Kallian laughed softly. "I won't."

Leliana hesitated before allowing them to separate. The sudden absence of pressure was like a blizzard hitting the slopes of a mountain. There was movement as Kallian stood. Leliana panicked and felt around for her arm.

"Stay with me."

"Of course," Kallian said. "I was planning on staying. I'm just going to get my bedroll."

She let the elf leave but every second alone in her tent was agony. Leliana tried to dispel the images of her dream, gritting her teeth with the memory of each whip strike.

At last, the flap rustled and Kallian came in to spread the bedroll on the ground. Leliana relaxed as Kallian's warm form pressed against her. The elf reached out with a hand and hugged the bard to her.

"I'm with you," she murmured. "I'm with you, emma lath. Don't be afraid."

Leliana felt the warmth seep into her body and sighed in relief. She laid her cheek on Kallian's shoulder.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"You know I would do anything for you," replied Kallian.

The bard closed her eyes, smiling as fresh tears slid down. Kallian must have felt the moisture on her shirt. She tightened the embrace and kissed the top of her head.

"I love you," said Leliana, leaning into the elf.

"And I you," said Kallian.

And that night, Leliana slipped into dreams. Dreams of journeying through the wild Hinterlands, following the Warden and the others. And in that dream, Kallian turned around and smiled at her, dark eyes glinting so brightly in the sun they were almost gold.