June 2000
So when did this happen to me?
When did I change from the Slayer in complete control over emotions, thoughts and motor functions into this crazy, burning, babbling idiot sat in this sleaze pit writing words that don't even sound like me?
How did I let her in my heart? Shit, I never even realised it had a key, let alone that it was in easy reach of her hands. I never saw her coming, and that's the weird part. I mean I'm no fool when it comes to the L word. Maybe the Scoobies think I'm incapable, maybe even she thinks that, and I sure as hell know Army Boy thinks all I'm good for is a vertical slaying and a horizontal laying. But I've been there. I know the signs to dodge and drive around. There's no actual road map, I know that, but all the same there's some familiar landmarks to watch out for.
Breathlessness for one thing just catching a glimpse of her smile.
Losing the ability to say anything more intelligent than "five by five" whenever she asks me how I am.
Lying awake night after night thinking about when I'll next see her.
These I should have seen as the warning signs that they are. Hell they practically have a big flashing light on top of them. And if you strain hard enough…yep…you can definitely hear a siren screeching "Stop! Trouble ahead!"
But no instead it's WHAM! There it was one morning when I woke up. Like Federal Express delivered it overnight, all neatly boxed up with a bright red ribbon and glittery gold writing on the outside.
"To Faith with love from the demon of the heart. Priest of all things fucked up. Keeper of there's no way out of this one."
And I tried not to open it man. I've really tried. In fact some days I didn't even notice there was this massive package hanging around my neck, weighing me down yet making me feel light headed at the same time. A yin and yang kinda deal, balancing themselves out so one moment I'm all woo-hoo, sun's out, Giles' got me some new boxing gloves for training and I got to spend five minutes of non-slayer time with B when she didn't mention Army Boy once. Then the next it's like this fucking weight is pressing me down, heavier than all the shitheads that have wailed me rolled into one. And I'm off my game, miss some easy stakes and have to explain that to Giles. And it's all I can do not to knock that smug look off of Army Boy's cardboard face every time B walks in and gives him a "hello big boy" kiss on the mouth.
God it's like my skin grows a life of its own and wants off my body to pound him into the ground just for being that close to B. I have to admit it now, there have been more of the weightier moments than the light. More of the yang…or would it be the yin? Oh who gives a fuck right? Same difference. It's been shitty not opening up that box, so I went ahead and opened it, only I had to do it in my own fucked up why didn't I?
Guess who showed up for a visit a few days ago? An old buddy of mine decided to swing by Sunnydale. Didn't say where she was going to but thought our quaint little doorway to Hell seemed a good enough spot to park up her leathers, kick off her boots and put on the darkest, reddest lipstick she could find. Hadn't seen her in a long time, she can be kinda fun, so I invited her to stay awhile. Wasn't until she'd been around a few days did I realise why I had avoided her for so long. She's a bitch. Not one of little Dawnie's beyatchs either.
She's your selfish grown-up variety of bitch. What's her name?
Faith, of course.
June 2000
Where do I start?
Where the hell is the entrance to this place I fucked up? It was there a week ago. Had a big neon sign on it then begging me to enter. Didn't care that behind me I was dragging some Big Bad along. Something even the Slayer couldn't defeat. Nothing mythical about it, don't get me wrong. No answers in a book this time Giles. No magic spell conjured by Red could counteract it. Followed me home one night that's all. Brought on by too many JDs and a hollow feeling I get every time she leaves me alone after patrol. Couldn't stop it, even if I'd tried. But I didn't. Hell I'd invited it in! How's that for irony? Of all people I should know you don't invite the Big Bad into your house 'cause it's hell to get rid of, and the stains on the carpet are a bitch to get out.
And now the Big Bad has left me with the clean up bill. It don't matter that I can't afford the check 'cause I can't even find the fucking door to see exactly how much mess was left behind.
It would be simple for someone like her. Easy to shoulder the responsibility and own up to the priceless vase she broke, or the dry-cleaning she forgot to pick up 'cause she was on her way to party-town and it slipped her mind. She'd just say it. Two little words. She'd say it with a half-smile and that wrinkly thing she does with her nose when she has some making up to do. Army Boy gets that expression a lot 'cause he's always pissed at her for missing a date when she's been patrolling with me. Grow up farmhand. Hello, saving the world here. But she gives in to him every time. Wrinkles that cute nose and says those two words that I can't even write down. Yeah it would be a breeze for her to come out and cop a whole heap of disapproving shit from Giles, her mom, even Red gets judgemental sometimes in the way only best friends do. You know she tries to sound understanding and supportive, but secretly her latent Jewish sensibilities and the not-so-latent other sensibilities are outraged for behaviour that's not becoming for a nice girl next door type like B. I remember it from the last time. Everyone's panties twisting and scrunching real hard around the crotch just 'cause me and B went on for some flirty girl on girl dancing down at the Bronze. And back then I didn't even see B. Not really. Not like I see her now.
Now is different. In so many ways it's different. And this time around she hasn't got any making up to do, it's me that has the shit to clear up. The funny thing is in the past, I would never have cared about the mess I left behind after Big Bad showed her slutty face at my door. I never even thought that far ahead. That there would be fall out of the nuclear variety from my actions would never have even entered my head back then. But like I said, things are different now. I'm different. B is different. The whole fucking world went and got itself involved with me and everything between me and her changed. So what I could get away with in the past sticks in me like a stake now. Slowly turning me to dust instead of the instant annihilation I'm used to. And the words that will make this all go away, or at least buy me some brownie points for trying and time to prove that the bitch is really gone for good now, I can't even utter.
She can say them and mean them when she has only done the slightest thing wrong, but I stand as mute as if The Gentlemen were back and this time had only picked on my voice to rob.
I don't know where to start, and I don't know how to explain, and I don't know how to say the words...
...I'm sorry.
Five by five? Not even close...fuck it.