CHAPTER 19: Around the Campfire

Kallian woke up to the disturbing sight of her own blood running from her arm into a wooden bowl. She groaned as a fresh wave of pain crashed into her. Her chest was burning like hell- even worse than the time she had an arrow through it in Ostagar. The elf leaned her head back on the pillow, gazing up at the ceiling. She was in a tent- most likely back at camp.

The memory of Marjolaine's snake like voice came to mind. She remembered Leliana's crestfallen expression and later, how hardened it was. It worried her, it worried her sick.

She was still thinking on this when faint voices neared the tent. Shadows of two people appeared on the thin material.

"… and we'll just balance it out before she regains consciousness," said Wynne.

"When will she-?"

"Soon, my child. Soon."

The flap opened and the old mage entered, relaxing when she saw her.

"Ah, see?" she said with a smile. "She's awake already."

Leliana hurried in, opening the flap impatiently. Kallian craned her neck, trying not to let her muscles contract. The bard rushed to her side, taking her left hand.

"Oh, Kallian. Thank the Maker! I'm so sorry this happened," blurted the woman as Wynne examined the right arm. Her expression was pained as she continued, words tumbling out in a rush. "This is all my fault. I brought you into danger. All I could think about was Marjolaine and getting to Denerim. If only I-"

"Maker, slow down!" said Kallian, chuckling. She winced, instantly regretting it. "You don't need to apologize. I'm just glad it's all over. You're safe now."

"Yes, and you are also safe," said the mage, turning the arm over to seal it. A glow settled on the shallow cut and the flesh knit together. "I think that is enough blood for now. As for the wound…" She peeled away the bandage and tutted. "That dagger went in deep- I'm going to leave the mixture on until I can heal it."

Kallian did her best to look down at her chest and saw a small pile of leaves, roots and some paste the colour of bile.

Wynne straightened, cleaned around the wound again and re applied the bandage.

"That is all I can do. What you need is a good rest," she said, fixing the elf with a stern look. "And no moving." The mage nodded at Leliana before leaving the tent.

Kallian stroked the back of the bard's soft hand with her thumb. "How are you feeling?" she asked gently.

Leliana looked down incredulously at her. "You're asking me?" she said, gesturing at the elf's wound.

"I'm fine," said the Warden. "It's you I'm worried about." She paused, studying the woman's face with concern. "Is Marjolaine…?"

"Dead," said the bard, rather flatly. She took a deep breath. "I killed her."

"Must have been hard for you."

"It isn't something I haven't contemplated at times, but… prior to meeting her, I didn't think I could do it." Leliana's eyes hardened when she gazed down at the elf. "But when she threw the dagger at you, I had to. I wanted to."

"Well… to be honest, I'm not sorry she's dead."

Leliana nodded, blue eyes turning mournful again. "It couldn't be helped. But… at the same time, I can't get what happened out of my head. I spent years at the Lothering Chantry. Years. And she still thought I was plotting against her. She didn't trust me," said the bard, looking down at the floor. "Maybe she never did. She loved me when she could use and control me. And now that she couldn't, she wanted me dead. It-" her voice cut off abruptly. Kallian could see the moisture in her eyes.

"We could talk about this another time, if you want," said the Warden.

Leliana shook her head stubbornly. "No. No, I need to tell you this." She paused before continuing. "I thought I had left it all behind. That time would cut off whatever bound me to her. But meeting Marjolaine again has affected me. It hurts to realize that I never really knew her. I knew she was ruthless, but didn't know how far she could go."

An expression of disgust replaced her features. "She is self centered and cruel. She uses people and then discards them. But that is how she was able to survive, I suppose. Kallian…" she said, suddenly looking troubled.

"Yes?"

"Kallian, what if she's right?" asked Leliana, blue eyes trembling. "What if we are the same?"

The Warden looked up at her sadly, feeling her conflict. Feeling the pain.

"You're not. You can never be like her."

"You can't be sure of that," snapped the bard, causing the elf to blink in surprise. "You don't understand," said Leliana in a better tone. "What she said about my life as a bard… about me enjoying the Game. It was true. All true. And… when I killed her, I enjoyed that as well. Seeing her dead gave me satisfaction."

The bard hung her head, dejected. "I… I feel myself slipping."

"Leliana…" said Kallian cautiously, wondering what to say. She knew what Leliana wanted. She wanted an argument that would withstand the onslaught of guilt and accusations she directed at herself. Something strong enough to reassure her. But she also wanted the undecorated truth.

"You may have enjoyed it. You could resurrect her, have another chance. But sometimes… people don't deserve mercy."

Leliana shook her head impatiently. "It's not just her, it's… I enjoyed the lies, Kallian. I enjoyed the betrayals and the killings. It was a terrible life I led."

"But you left it, Leliana," Kallian insisted. "And what you feel from time to time- it doesn't define you. We all have weaknesses, we all fall into traps."

The bard still looked doubtful. Kallian sighed and placed a hand on her arm, ignoring the pain in her shoulder.

"I know who you are, Leliana. Unlike Marjolaine, you saw what was right. You made a choice, and it was the right one. I wouldn't have you any other way."

At that, the Orlesian's lips curved up into a weak smile.

"Leliana," she tried again. "You confronted Marjolaine when no one else did. And you left that life behind to join the Chantry."

The sister's face fell again. "Did I? Did I really?" She buried her face in her hands. "Or was I just pretending?"

Kallian waited patiently in silence.

"I said I found peace in the Chantry," continued the woman. "But a small part of me tells me that I lied. That in truth, I felt bored. With you, here on the road and knowing the uncertainty of tomorrow… I feel alive again. It feels wrong somehow."

Kallian laughed softly.

"Look… maybe that life wasn't for you. You don't have to be a Chantry sister to be Andrastian, you know. You once said that the Maker is all around us. He's not confined to some building. Besides," said Kallian with a grimace. "The other sisters didn't treat you well anyway. You should be somewhere you're appreciated."

It was a while before Leliana responded. "Perhaps... you are right. Perhaps I just need to accept this side of me. For now… I need more time to think on this."

Kallian nodded. "Definitely. Don't feel pressured."

Leliana looked at her gratefully, but the elf noted the disturbance in her eyes… like the churning of stormy seas.

"And… Leliana?"

"Yes?"

"Just know that I'm here if you need me. And… I love you. That will never change, I promise… even if you do."

Some of the weight lifted at those words, and Leliana bent down to press her lips against the elf's forehead.

"Thank you," she whispered.

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"Are you trying to impress me, Kallian?"

The Warden stopped at the teasing voice.

"Huh?"

Leliana's eyes glinted in the moonlight as the elf approached. Her mouth was stretched into a wide smile. The bard tapped on Kallian's arm and fingered the dripping hair.

"Woa, woa. Hang on," said the elf, chuckling. "Don't start jumping to conclusions."

"Am I?" asked the Orlesian. "Showing off your muscles, letting your hair fall like that… and is that new soap I smell?"

Kallian cleared her throat. "What's wrong with wanting to look and smell good? I don't have to do it to impress someone."

"Of course," said the bard with a straight face.

"For your information," explained the elf, pointing to her rolled up sleeves. "These are wet. And this is what my hair looks like when I wash it."

"Oh?" said Leliana, making a big show of studying Kallian. "That's strange… I'm sure it always looked like… this." She reached out to rearrange the dark hair.

"Hey!"

"There," Leliana said in satisfaction.

"Thanks," muttered Kallian, running a hand through her hair.

The sister laughed and leaned down to kiss the elf's cheek. "Oh, you are adorable."

Kallian grinned despite herself, happy that Leliana was happy. After their talk a week ago, she wasn't sure the bard would recover properly. It had to have left an emotional scar- things like that didn't heal easily. But here she was, laughing and teasing her mercilessly. Kallian smiled and decided to let Leliana have her fun.

The two walked back to the campsite in the darkness, shoulders touching. Kallian slipped her hand into Leliana's, trying not to grin like an idiot.

"You didn't have to come get me, you know," she said, though secretly she didn't mind.

"Of course I did," said Leliana, smiling and bumping the elf's shoulder with hers. "You never know what's out there."

Kallian rolled her eyes. "I can take care of myself, Leliana."

"With your wound still healing?"

"Definitely. I'm a Warden, remember?" she replied, flashing the bard a grin.

"You were taking a bath," Leliana pointed out with a teasing smile.

"Ahem, exactly. Privacy should be respected."

"Oh, I don't think the Darkspawn care about that."

"Ah, but you should."

Leliana raised her brows in mock surprise. "My, my, Kallian. Whatever makes you think I don't?"

"My dear bard," said Kallian, imitating Zevran with a lopsided grin. "Do not think I have forgotten what you said to me at Denerim."

The sister giggled. "Don't be silly, I was just teasing. Besides," she said. "I wanted to see your response."

"You could have made it more obvious."

"But then I would have lost the upper hand, no?"

"Maker, you're cruel. You just left me more confused than ever."

"You can't complain," said Leliana. "What about you and Alistair?"

Kallian raised an eyebrow. "What about us?"

"Well, I thought there was something between the two of you."

"Riiight…"

"And you were married to a man."

"That didn't even last a day."

"Nevertheless, you were married."

"Well…"

Leliana gave a theatrical sigh. "So what was a girl to do? I suppose I had to make the confession."

"Yeah, sorry about that…"

"Never mind," said the bard with another sigh. Then her eyes glinted again in the darkness. What's she up to now?

"You can still make up for it," said Leliana, her voice tinged with mirth.

"In what-?"

A shriek pierced the air, shrill and angry. The two exchanged looks of alarm and raced back to camp. Kallian arrived first, casting her eyes about. She lowered her sword when she saw Alistair laughing uncontrollably.

"Maker, what's going on?" she asked, frowning.

Morrigan burst out of her tent, fuming. Fire was literally issuing from her nostrils. The witch flung the object down on the ground and everyone gathered around to see. A closer look revealed that it wasn't an object at all- it was a toad. The slimiest, most grotesque toad she had ever seen. It was monstrous. When it turned its bulging, shiny black eyes on them, Kallian cringed.

"What's wrong, Morrigan?" mocked Alistair. "Aren't witches supposed to use toads for their potions?"

"That is a preposterous myth perpetuated by imbeciles like you! How dare you enter my tent and bring this… this filthy creature inside!"

Wynne sighed. "Alistair…" she said warningly.

"Well I never," said Oghren. "Hic, thash the shmallesht Darkspawn I've ever sheen."

And, with his bare hand, the dwarf picked up the toad and swung his arm drunkenly. Everyone watched as the toad was thrown far away into the bushes.

"A fine job, my friend," said Zevran, patting him on the back.

Alistair was still chortling, hacking away at the figurine he was carving. Morrigan stomped up to him and wrenched it away from his grasp.

"Hey!"

"The only thing that is preventing me from transforming you into one of those vermin is because you are a Grey Warden," she hissed. "Come anywhere near my tent again and I shall tell the elf of your-"

"Alright, alright!"

"Good," she said, stalking away to her tent and muttering. "And to think that blockhead is a candidate for the throne! 'Tis a grave mistake!"

Kallian shook her head, smirking. She sat next to the other Warden.

"Oh, that was priceless. Did you see her face?"

"It was pretty scary. So, what… that was your revenge?"

Alistair laughed. "Yep. And the first."

The elf raised an eyebrow. "You're planning another one? But you can't go into her tent anymore."

"I don't have to. There are other ways," said the man with a glint in his eye.

"Whatever it is, leave me out of it. I already have enough trouble with Leliana and Morrigan arguing."

"Have it your way," said Alistair, the laughter dying down. He suddenly took great interest in the fire. "I suppose you have to, being her… lover."

"Er…yeah."

"You look good together."

"Thanks…"

"Holding hands, ogling each other, walking through the forest… very romantic."

"…Ogling each other?"

Alistair smirked. "You know, that lingering, longing look. The googly eyes."

Kallian felt her face warm up. "Do I really look at her that way?"

"You so totally do. It makes me gag with jealousy, actually."

Kallian snorted. "Go find a girl, Alistair. There are plenty out there."

"Maybe I will," said the other Warden. "Maybe someone will appreciate my hair obsession and love for fine cheese."

She grinned. "I'm sure…"

"But… you should know. It's not going to be easy."

Kallian stayed silent, not knowing what to say.

"We've been through a lot together, haven't we? We've been through thick and thin. And you know me like no one else does."

"Thanks, Alistair… but I'm the only girl you've been close to. Maybe with more experience…"

Alistair rolled his eyes. "I know, I got the same advice from Oghren."

"Oghren?" said Kallian, chuckling.

"He might be a smelly, perverted dwarf but he knows women."

"He's also a dwarf whose marriage fell apart."

"That's because his wife had a lover. A female lover, might I add."

Kallian felt a stab of guilt. "I... see your point."

Alistair paused thoughtfully. Then: "You really love her, don't you?"

The elf stared into the fire with him. She nodded seriously. "I do."

"Then that's enough for me."

Kallian grinned at him. "You're a good man, Alistair."

Alistair grinned back, brown eyes warm in the firelight. "We're Grey Wardens, right? Grey Wardens look out for one another."

"Damn right."

The two watched as Leliana played with Schmooples, Sten stood like a statue at the perimeter, Talon slept while Zevran and Oghren sat drinking.

A loud burp disturbed the air, startling the others.

"Hey, elf," said the dwarf. "You're all right."

"Am I?" said the assassin in amusement.

"Aye. I was jist thinkin' that you're… you're jist all right."

The Antivan chuckled. "Drunk again, Oghren?"

"Hehe, you sound like… my father. He was all, "You're drunk…Stop wettin' on my table."

"How dare he."

"Least my mom had the… sense to hide the hic, booze from him. So, ya know… she could drink where he couldn't see her," Oghren slurred.

"That's heartwarming."

"Hey buddy… let's not go crazy or… anythin'. Keep yer pants where I can see 'em."

"Oghren. If you want to bed me, you have only to ask."

"Draw yer sword and say that again!"

"I jest, my foul-smelling friend. You are only slightly less attractive to me than a slime-filled pool of swamp water."

Oghren grunted, taking another swig of ale. "Better be."

"You have my oath."

"Bloody Antivans."

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The air was chilly and the wind was blowing through the trees, stirring up the fire and rattling her tent frame. But as Leliana stood there at the flap, her chest felt warm as she regarded the elf sitting on the log. She suppressed a laugh, watching Kallian bent over a book and wondering what she was so focused on. The Warden's hair kept falling into her eyes and Kallian blew it away irritably.

After what happened with Marjolaine, the bard thought she would not be able to laugh again. There was too much history, too many emotions she had invested in that relationship. It had been such a big part of her life… and when the truth had sunk in, it had ripped away a significant portion of herself. But now she found herself smiling again. Laughing and joking, being free. Being happy.

Yes, there would be times when Marjolaine's face would haunt her at night. Times when she would relive those terrible moments and scream in fear. But here with Kallian, she felt safer than she had been for years.

Leliana recalled the dark storms in the elf's eyes when they first met. She remembered the bitter, angry words and cold glares of warning. How she had changed…

Kallian lifted her gaze as the bard approached. She quickly snapped the book closed and hid it behind her.

"What were you doing?" asked the sister teasingly.

The Warden looked embarrassed. "Um… just, writing."

"Writing?" said Leliana curiously. "About what?"

Kallian cleared her throat. "I was writing… in my journal," she said reluctantly.

Leliana made a noise of delight. "Oh, I didn't know you had a journal!"

"Yeah, I, er… sometimes write in it."

"Can I see it?"

"Haha… you're joking, right?"

"Why, is there something you don't want me to see?" asked the bard, smiling slyly.

"Maybe…"

"Alright, then... I suppose there's nothing else for me to do. I think I might… retire early," said Leliana, flicking her hair and making sure Kallian had a full view of her expression. "A soft, warm bedroll is perfect for a cold night like this, no?"

Kallian seemed relieved. She nodded. "Yeah, you should go get some sleep. Alistair has some extra blankets if you need one."

Um…

Perhaps she hadn't been clear enough. Leliana tried again.

"Thank you… but before I go, I could help make a suggestion for the entry."

"Erm, that's alright. I've almost finished it."

The bard resisted the urge to sigh. Maker, she had forgotten how obtuse the elf could be in such matters. Leliana leaned in close. "Dear diary," she said in a low voice. "I promised Leliana today that I would make up for her embarrassing confession a few months ago. She invited me to her tent, but alas… subtlety is lost on me."

Kallian blinked for a few seconds, then blushed furiously. "…Oh."

The bard laughed at the expression. "Now she gets it!"

Kallian looked around to see if anybody was still awake. Everyone apart from Sten was in their tents. The giant regarded them with disinterested eyes and returned his attention to watching for enemies.

"Well?"

The elf swallowed visibly. She pulled at the collar of her shirt. "A-are you sure?"

"Oh, don't second guess me," said Leliana finally in exasperation. "Now come. And no arguing this time!" She took the elf's hand and pulled her to her tent.

They entered it and everything was plunged in darkness. For a few minutes, Leliana stood there with Kallian's hand in hers. She couldn't see the elf's face but was certain Kallian could see hers. Only the elf's eyes were visible, glowing like those of a cat. The bard sat down on the bedroll and pulled the Warden down with her. She heard Kallian's breath quicken and, by instinct and touch, the two kissed.

The moment their lips met, Leliana felt all thought leave her mind. Kallian sighed into the kiss and they lowered themselves to the ground, bodies pressed against each other. Hot breaths mingled and the bard shivered as Kallian ran her fingers through her hair. Leliana's body awakened to her lover's touch, sinking into the depths of ecstasy as she felt smooth skin…

She opened her eyes when the elf suddenly stopped.

"Kallian?"

"Uh," said the Warden, panting. "I have no idea what I'm meant to do."

Leliana burst out laughing and placed a hand on the back of the elf's neck. She pulled her down into another kiss. When they drew apart, the bard smiled and whispered into a pointed ear.

"You don't need to worry about that, my love. Just follow me."