June 2000
So the Scoobies are still a little weird around me. Weirder than usual that is. T-T-Tara is clinging closer to Red, if that were possible. And Ex-Demon Chick is cracking more than her usual quota of inappropriate conversation stoppers, which is having a knock on effect on Xander so he spends more of his time looking lame than even he is used to. But I have to admit they are trying to gloss over the one week only appearance of Bitch Faith, and whether that's all down to how B reacted towards me yesterday in the Magic Box I don't care. Finally that sinking feeling has stopped, and I'm back to being on red alert every time she walks into a room. In case this is the time that the big sack of muscle inside my body commonly known as the heart, decides to ignore the Government Health Warning my brain is giving it and actually...
...does what actually? Lays a fist in Army Boy's face and tells her she'd be better off with me? Swoops in for a moonlit kiss across the tombstones down at Vamp Central? Pins her against the hobbyhorse in the training room so she can feel how much I want her? Asks her why she looked so relieved yesterday when I finally showed my sorry ass in daylight again?
I want to do all of these things and at the same time I don't want to do any of them. I want everything to go back to the way it was before I realised she'd become my prime reason for hanging around this shitty town. Before I realised she'd become my prime reason for just hanging around - period. Except when I actually think about it, I don't really want things to go back to how they were back then. I just don't want them to be as they are now.
Man, this is fucked up. I'm sure things were simpler when I was being a bitch.
I'm in new territory here. It all looks the same in the daylight, but everything has changed and it's like I am the only one who notices it. For once I am one step ahead of the class, coming out on top in the SATs instead of just getting a point for marking my name down right. Who'd have thought Faith would be the one to know stuff no one else does? And I wonder how long it's gonna be till everyone else figures it out. How long it will take for Red to see the way I look at B sometimes is the same way she used to look at T-T-Tara before they got horizontal with each other. Hell I could recognise what she was thinking whenever T-T-Tara walked into the Bronze like I'd been able to read her prim little thoughts. Don't know how the rest of them missed it 'cause it was right there from the start. And Red getting all wiggy sometimes when T-T-Tara took her hand in her own when she thought no one was looking. Man, how come it took Wolfman showing up to make her admit to herself that cute stuttery Wicca was the one that got her juices flowing? She could have come to me and asked me what I thought and I could have saved her a whole heap of time and trouble. Only Red would never do something like that, turn to me for help. Yeah right, like I am a person that anyone comes to for help. Sure Faith's good in the old slaying and staking arena, and she can even show the town hookers a thing or two about fashion, but personal stuff? Deep, life changing, mind blowing 'I'm in love with another chick' kinda stuff? Nah, Faith ain't your gal. Except I am. I was before my eyes opened up to B. It's easier to recognise something when you've seen it around before. There's a reason why people say, read the book seen the film and bought the t-shirt you know? I haven't just read the fucking book at one point I wrote the damn thing. Whilst I doubt Red will be able to believe what she is seeing when one of these days I let my guard down, and what's getting harder to ignore in my heart makes it debut on my face, she will recognise it all the same. Just like I did with her.
And what will happen then?
Part of me wants to find out and part of me wants this to stop now. New territory is never easy ground to stand on. Last time I came across some new turf was the first time I held a stake in my hand and a vamp turning to dust on the end of it. And I don't think I am exaggerating here when I say it's not exactly been an easy ride over the terrain since then. What will happen if my sole occupancy of this space that's in my head, in my heart, in the goddamn air that I breathe, gets invaded by Red or one of the other Scoobies?
What will happen if she invades it?
A rough ride or a smooth jaunt in Giles' sports car to the coast?
Don't think I'm ready to find out yet. Yeah back to the non-ready of emotions with this one. Back to five by five and hey what's happening and not letting my guard down again. I can do it. I did it before after all. Before Sunnydale was more than just a place on a map. When the only demons I had to worry about were of the two-legged variety mom dragged back with her. Before I ever knew Buffy Summers existed.
Start as you mean to go on right?
In that case…
…Five by five.
June 2000
Best way to ignore this pounding in my heart, so I figured in my infinite wisdom the other day, was just to carry on as normal right? No need for a big change, no need to let the old Faith back in as that clearly hasn't worked in getting my mind off the path marked Buffy Summers. No need for me to get all wiggy when she is near, 'cause well I have Slayer Strength, so somewhere inside me there must be Slayer Control too. And that means I can handle the dark humid nights when we're just the two of us hanging in the cemetery, waiting for some vamps to dust. Just like a couple of regular girls out on a regular kinda...I wanna say date, but I'm supposed to be with the not wigging over B here. And regular girls don't have dates. And if they did why the fuck would they be hanging out in a cemetery? And if they were you've gotta wonder what weird shit they're into, making the moves on each other in a graveyard…and jeez Faith, can you focus much please?
So I'm carrying on as normal. I'm turning up for practice, not exactly on time and dressed appropriately but hey I'm there. And when I'm there I'm good little Boxing Slayer, or Flying Kick Slayer, or the Slayer that comes with her own handy Byzantine axe. I particularly liked the Slayer that got to hit Army Boy to the mat with a back kick 'cause he just "accidentally" got in my way…hey, I never saw him Giles, he can be pretty stealthy you know, Initiative training and all that.
Except I had heard him, of course I had. Slayer ears remember? All the better to hear you with, asshole!
Me and B were training together, but not you know, training together as ever since that day B hit me both of us have been a bit cautious with trading blows. So B is over by the punch bag, Giles holding onto it and looking like he wishes he wasn't. Blondie is sure pummelling that bag pretty hard I remember thinking to myself, but let it slide 'cause that wouldn't be carrying on as normal right? And just to prove to myself I am calm in her presence, that I haven't noticed the sheen of sweat building up over her shoulder blades glinting in the light from the window. Reminding me of how long it's been since I saw a chick's blades glimmer with sweat, and not only how long but where I'd been positioned at the time of that particular memory. Yeah just to prove I am so dealing with the me and B thing, I'm practising the Ti-Chi stuff Giles thinks is really cool. He probably likes it so much 'cause it's nice and slow and he can do it in his tweeds, but for once I really let myself get into it. 'Cause it's right what Giles' says, you do get into the zone whilst you're breathing and stretching like that. And when you're in the zone nothing else matters. Translation being I've found a B free place to go to, even when she is in the same room as me and I can smell her perfume. But when I zoned out in the training room moving one arm around in an arc, a quickened version of the same move would have resembled a really solid elbow punch to some un-lucky vamp, I forgot all about that citrus smelling perfume, and the tight grey top she had on dampened in all the right places with her sweat. I was just out there man. Pretty freaky stuff when you stop and think about it.
Or so I thought until I heard footsteps behind me, off to the right. Distinctive big footfalls that I'd heard before. I realised I wasn't totally zoned out after all, 'cause not only could I place exactly where those footsteps were, I knew who they belonged to and what that cardboard cut-out of a soldier had said in the Magic Box the other day. Thinking of that made me think of B again and all that hard concentrating with the whole breathe out-out-out-in shit Giles had taught me went to waste, as my zone was completely gate-crashed by the one person that I was trying not to think about. So when Army Boy moved closer, I'm guessing he was just gonna ignore me completely and go straight for the top-shelf over there by the punch bag, I just kinda lashed out. Wasn't thinking of much when I did it. Maybe it crossed my mind as my leg connected with his midsection and he bent double, that it was payback for the other day. Maybe I even thought as I delivered a two handed blow to his back sprawling him to the floor, that it was because he had come in breaking my concentration making me think of B. But when I looked up from his sorry lame ass on the mat to the surprise on B's face, I realised why I'd done it. And I sure as shit was hoping that the reason wasn't written all over my face as she came over to the both of us.
I was visited by the little green demon. Commonly known in human circles as jealousy.
He gets to have B and I don't. So I did what any girl in my situation would do, I decked him.
That's carrying on as normal wouldn't ya say?
Five by five.
June 2000
You'd think that I'd have some explaining to do again right? The Scoobies would all wig out on me and I'd be faced with that death row walk the next time I came into the Magic Box. Only this time there wouldn't be her to save me, flick the switch to off and cut the power. In fact it would be her with the noose in her hands, swinging it like it was a jump rope as if she were bored.
That's the funny thing about expectations, whether they are too high or too low, something can always come along and shatter them. I'm usually with the keep things at ground level 'cause that way you don't have that far to fall when you get dumped over the side. But I bet people like Red are all with the happy woo-hoo, things look darkest before the dawn but look there is a silver cloud over that lining, or whatever the hell that saying is. So yeah whether they are high or low, the stakes are often the same when it comes to how you expect things to go sometimes. And it's only just dawned on me how many times lately B has shattered the illusions of my life and let in some light.
She took the whole "you assaulted my boyfriend" thing way calmly. I talked myself out of it with Giles, like I used to talk my way out of not showing up in Home Room on time or like ever back in High School, but I figured getting the Slayer to calm down would be another matter. 'Cause like I've seen her wail on the Big Bad ever since Army Boy got his super chip removed and he gets himself caught in the cross-fire. Though now I come to think about it that's been a lot less of a happening lately. Still, I expected to be saying hello to another one of those Summers Specials sometime soon.
Only it never happened, much to Army Boy's disappointment I bet. Ha, psyche!
So here I am wondering why B didn't go for me. And why when I called at the Magic Box the other day B was hardly capable of keeping a straight face explaining to the rest of the Scoobies why Army Boy wasn't showing his face much around there anymore. Why when I looked over at her with the green eyed monster fighting to be seen in my eyes, and her honey down on the floor groaning, she wasn't looking at signs of him being all right, she was mouthing the words...
"Are you okay?"
...to me?
Yeah doing a lot of wondering lately.
Five by five
July 2000
I'm not about to say things are great. I'm not about to say that the land of Faith is a cool place to be right now. I'm not about to lie to myself. I've been doing that far too much lately.
I'm in one hell of a mess here. And there ain't nothing no one can do about it, except maybe myself. But that would mean taking some action and for some reason that is so beyond me right now, I'm not feeling the actiony type.
Not even scoring an anonymous loser fireman down at the Hunk and Drive (the gym over on Elmwood) has made things any better. Or less heated between the Slayer and me.
Only she doesn't feel the heat between us. And if she is feeling it I'm sure she is putting it down to some uncharacteristically warmer weather we're having that's making Giles pine for the rainy days of England more than usual.
So things aren't great. How can they be? I'm stuck in the no win situation of all time here. Beats being in love with a vampire who has a soul but a pesky Gypsy curse to remove that very same soul the minute he goes stiff. I'm talking more of a nobody wins but the goddamn liquor store type situation. 'Cause least when B was jonesing for Angel, he jonesed right back for her.
What do I get? Scraps I grab onto like Spike down at the town dump stocking up for his crib.
Pathetic doesn't even cover it.
And five by five isn't coming close today.
July 2000
How much can I get away with?
How far am I gonna take this thing between me and her?
Just stick with the here and now. Good Slayer/not so good Slayer. We slay, we shop. Okay she shops, I steal. We have those conversations that only ever remain on the surface. You know what I mean? The kind that start off in your head… "Okay today I'm gonna tell her about back home, about mom, about that shitheap I called a life back before I was chosen…" but before you do that best make things light and airy you think, so your mouth goes with "so what's happening B? Hitting the college books hard?"
Jeez Faith, lame much?
This type of talking doesn't just remain on the surface - it skims the fucking top of it. A whole biblical walking-on-water miracle in my head as I hear her go on and on about lectures I'll never go to, books I'll never read. And all the time I'm screaming inside. Angry at her for being so together, so pro-life with the whole "I'm a slayer but that shouldn't bite into me time at all." Going for mochas with Red. Teasing little Dawnie. Having a mom who at the end of the day asks how patrol went and gives her a brownie. I want that! I want that with her! Man I don't even like brownies, too fucking sickly, but right now I'd kill to have what she has.
To have her.
But she'll look at me sometimes. Usually when my head is screaming inside, mashing all my thoughts around, zooming so fast I think I hate her and love her and loathe her and want her in the same instant. She'll look at me and it's like she knows there's something there in me. Something below the surface. Something she thinks she'd like to reach and bring into the light. Something she knows won't turn to dust like all the rest. And when she looks like that I feel myself smile. A smile that's just for her, curled at the edges, kinda sexy, maybe slutty. I see how far I can take it with her and if she's close I'll let our bodies touch. Just for a moment. In fact not even a moment, it's shorter than that. But when I do it. When I start to let her see me. When my skin connects with her…bliss man. Frickin' mind-numbing, soul-reaching bliss. I feel alive when she's near. When I dare to smile at her and let the image linger on my face way past the cut off point that says "platonic/non-sexual friend here". It's like my life rids itself of the pain and the bad stuff and I'm left with a split second of feeling alive for the first time in my life.
No wait. Not the first time. I have felt this before. Exactly this? Nah, probably not. But still, I remember that alive feeling from back then. Remember the look in eyes as brown as my own when I'd turn up with a smile. A look I sometimes catch in the green eyes of the slayer when I smile the same way now. But though some of it I might have felt before, known before even, it is different with B. It's harder. I have more to lose this time…
...so why am I doing this?
How far is this gonna go?
Five by five.