July 2000

You know there is one easy way to explain all this. It can be summed up in a few choice words, a message from our sponsor and a seminar on how to explain things that no one wants explained.

I know it. I know it as sure as I know sleaze ball is gonna be hassling me for rent on Friday and T-T-Tara is gonna stutter every time someone mentions Wolfman's name. I know what colours it wears, know how it prefers steak to be cooked. I have its inside leg measurements and its goddamn social security number. If you tapped me on the shoulder and asked me where it lived I could tell you. Take me down to the station show me some mug shots and I'll be there with "that's your perp officer, that's the one you're after". I'm in a classroom full of kids and I'm the one saying "oh pick me Miss, pick me, pick me."

The deal is I know what it's called, I can explain what it is, I just don't like what the fuck it's doing to me.

It's like I've been injected by the government boys and now they're watching me act all weird, waiting for me to screw this up. If I were more of the paranoid persuasion like Xander that theory would have way more kudos than it deserves. But still, I'm all with the acting not-Faith-like right now, and how fucked up that feels to me must be ten times more X-files for the Scoobies and for her.

See it starts with a heavy round of patrolling. Had to step it up a gear as some Minor League Bad came onto the scene a few weeks back. We're not talking the Demon State Playoffs or anything but it was enough for Giles to go all Watchery and start using long words again. And for me and B to spend 'professional' time together rather than comparing and contrasting the new Fall line from Ralph Lauren. Okay she's the one with the fashion I.Q. I usually just stand there and nod and try not to make some lame remark about bulimia being the diet of choice these days. So we're patrolling together, a lot. And because her house is between my palatial dive and the SunnyD Memorial Home for the Un-dead I started to drop by before the sun went down to you know, ask her out to patrol. Nothing wrong with that right? So far signs of strange-behaviour-Faith aren't showing themselves. Why wouldn't one slayer call on another slayer? I mean we were both going to end up in the same place, made sense to go together and discuss our game plan. At first I'm timing it just right so I get B just before she is about to come out and slay anyway. So there are no awkward moments between me and her mom 'cause I know I make her nervous. The tattoos, the leather, the bad attitude that's surfaced in her presence more than once. Hell if I had a daughter I wouldn't let her hang with the likes of me.

But you know what's gone and happened? My timing started to suck when I realised that B's mom has chilled out over the whole slayer-gal-pal thing. Doesn't seem to think it's such a bad idea anymore her first born having back-up against the Big Bad, positively encourages it in fact. Asks me to come inside and wait for B, offers me cups of tea and shit like that. And if that isn't enough to throw a girl's sense of timing off, getting to the Summers' place a little early I get to witness the rag-fest that is B with Dawnie argue over who does the dishes. And I've never seen anyone push B's buttons the way little Dawnie does. It's fun to watch. B can stand off against any demon and pretty much walk away unscathed while they are a bloody mess on the floor, yet against her little sister it's just no contest, Dawnie wins every time. So suddenly it's okay for me to be spending some 'family' time with the Summers girls, and I'm acting all "please and thank you" in front of B's mom. Man, I even caught myself doing one of those fake you're-a-parent-so-I-must-laugh-at-your-lame-joke laughs the other day. And B gave me such a weird surprised look I wanted to turn around and say "fuck" just to prove I'm still me.

But that's just it isn't it? I'm not me anymore. I don't know who the fuck I'm supposed to be and it's all her fault!

And if this keeps up, it's not gonna be long before someone catches on. Red is already wigging 'cause the other day in the Magic Box when she was in total Wicca mode, you know her nose in a book, actually her whole goddamn face was in a book she was zoning so much, I offered to go get her mocha for her 'cause she had her regular 10 o'clock craving. Not so out of the ordinary for most people I guess, but it seems no one expects that from me. And why would they? Last time I did anyone a favour it involved not breaking a limb for cutting in front of me at the liquor store.

So there's me being nice to everyone. Actually listening to Giles when he tells me Slayer stuff, minding my p's and q's not to mention the f's and c's in front of B's mom, and every time I see Army Boy I've inflicted some sort of damage on him. Well in my head I've severed a limb, cracked a few ribs and broken his nose in three places. What I'm actually doing is exchanging these looks with Cardboard Face. He hates me I hate him. We're upfront about it with each other now.

See what's happening? I might as well hang out a big banner and hire a sound system to blast out 'I am jonesing big time for the Slayer!'

She's the one that has got me acting all weird.

She's the one that has me being nice to her friends.

She's the one who makes me enjoy family time at her house.

She's the one that has me split in two.

She's the one…

…that's it…isn't it?

She's the one…

Five by five…how the fuck should I know?

July 2000

Will someone please stop this spinning inside my head?

I just want one day of not feeling like I have the winning lottery ticket only to discover it's out of frickin' date when I try and claim my prize. Just want to go back to the time when between me and B there was just subtext. Not this maintext that is screaming inside my head and making things between me and the Slayer all confused.

Take the other night for example. This one is gonna give you a kick trust me. And probably in a few years time if I'm still in the slayer business and not pushing up worms somewhere, I'll be able to see the funny side too. Right now though…right now I'm stuck on the roller coaster ride of pain and it ain't slowing down.

It's night and we were patrolling Sunny Memorial again 'cause we still hadn't tracked down the Big Bad that flew into town. Giles is re-thinking tactics with the Scoobies back at the Magic Box and has decided that this might not be an easy seek and destroy gig as he originally thought. Jeez Giles, you think? Considering it's been a week and all me and B got to show for it is a higher ratio of vamps turning to dust than usual I'd say a re-think is way overdue. So Giles packed us off with these enchanted sword things, all very Wiccary 'cause Red has been working her mojo with T-T-Tara and finally we get a beat on where this demon is hanging. We'll report back later B tells them, ever ready with the team spirit there B. I'd already decided that if we killed this dude all I was gonna do was swing by the liquor store and spend the rest of the week with a couple of buds.

Or at least that was what I had in mind.

Man the size of that demon when we finally tracked him down gave both me and B pause for thought. And my thought was 'fucking hell' or maybe it was 'holy shit' I forget which now but you get my point. Giles needs to brush up on his research skills, or maybe this one was down to Xander not reading the small print again. Either way our little pointy sticks and enchanted swords didn't feel like much protection against this mother, who despite his size still felt the need to have un-dead minions protecting him. Go figure.

Well this was no time to get all wiggy and Army Boy over it. I looked over at B, she had the same startled expression in her eyes, one I've seen before when she realises how much her new shoes are actually gonna cost her.

"You ready for this B?"

Without hesitation she answered.

"What is it you say Faith? Bring it on?"

She had this sly smile, real sexy and my stomach flipped over like a thousand times. I was speechless. Damn it Faith, this is no time to lose your slayer edge! I just laughed, 'cause there was nothing else my brain would let me do right then. And like we always do without needing some lame "count to three and move on three" thing, both of us crashed the un-dead party together.

Two slayers fighting side-by-side, good times were had right?

For a while there it was solid. The vamps were well trained had to give 'em that. Demon guy obviously hadn't picked the home-grown variety they had some brains about them, and plenty of brawn. We were ganged up on six to one I think I counted. But nothing new there though, should have been able to handle that. Roundhouse kick, elbow block, then sweep in for an uppercut, stake and we're through. That's how it goes usually and for a while there the other night it played right out of one of Giles' textbooks. The vamps job was to keep us away from the demon and they were doing a fine job of it so far. But then me and B got chance to re-group. I gave her my sword and told her to go forth and slay herself something big for supper, I'd keep Lestat and the boys busy while she did it. And just 'cause it's the kinda thing I say I added "if you think you can handle a big one B?" Pretty lame yeah, but it got B fired up that bit more 'cause she's so easy to bait sometimes, and she needed the edge. Didn't catch her response though which was probably just as well. We were being cornered in again by the three vamps that were left, so to give B her hall pass to the demon over in the corner I just flew across the room at them, trying to take as many down as I could.

And here is where it all starts to go bad for Team Slayer. More importantly here is where it all starts to go bad for me. See I'm acting all tough and cool, I can handle three stronger than your average vampires by myself no worries. Just let me get my stake ready and…

…WHACK! Something connected with the back of my head. All of a sudden I was flying slayer. The only thing stopping this bird from spreading her wings any further was the brick wall I slammed into.

OUCH…or a better description of what was screaming inside my head would be AHHH FUCK. I tried to stand up, re-focus, see what the hell happened to me and who I was gonna dust first for doing it. But suddenly my legs don't want to work and I'm clutching at the wall behind me just so I don't keel over. There's this fog in my head too. Don't know where it came from but it's making everything blurry and I can only half make out that there is a vamp coming towards me, he has this big thing in his hands. Looks like a steal girder or something. Well at least that explains why one blow to the Slayer head knocked Slayer Sense out of me. Told you these vamps were packing some un-dead muscle. So if there is one vamp aiming for me and let's face it I could have been wrong here my vision was in and out like channel hopping on cable, where were the other two? More importantly where were B and the other two?

And then it don't matter how bad I feel. How my head feels like it's just been speared straight down the middle, only some of the metal broke off and it's banging against my forehead each time I try and move. I have to find B. I have to help B. My vamp was closing in on me. I'm lucky there was still some latent Slayer Strength in me 'cause I managed a few good knee jerks in his groin to knock him off course, reaching for my spare stake in my jacket pocket as I did. What followed I'm sorry to say, was the lamest staking I have ever taken part in, but the end result was the same and right then I wasn't thinking about a perfect score in the Staking Olympics, you know? Just as I get my damn stake out my pocket and pointing the right way I felt myself launched through the air again, only this time I had a vamp making me airborne. He didn't take too kindly to being kicked in the family jewels I guess. Least when I landed this time it was on the marginally softer concrete floor and I managed, fuck knows how, to not crack my head against it. Also with the luck on a second front, my vamp had impaled himself on the stake in my hand when he landed on top of me and I got a face full of dust instead of a snarling set of teeth. Phew, that was fortunate right?

You don't need to be a frickin' Einstein to figure out things weren't going so well for the Chosen Two this half of the game. I'm on the floor. I want to get up. I want to get up and fight, 'cause hell it's what I do! It's what I see B doing over in the corner, least I think it's B and I think she's fighting. My vision is doing its fade to black thing again. And I realise that I'm not getting out of this without help. I could just lay there and wait for B to slay Giles' 'nothing too serious' demon, but what's to say when she let the dust settle around her she wouldn't find me with my neck ripped out? Or worse? It wasn't the thought of dying that got me on my knees despite the pain in my head. It wasn't the thought of being some scumbag vamp's next meal that got me to my feet without blacking out again. It was the thought of B finding me after it was over. Finding me and blaming herself, just like she did when that Kendra chick died and she wasn't there to stop it from happening. And you know what else got my beaten ass up and over to where B was? The thought that I might die without telling her what she means to me.

Can you believe that? I actually thought with my heart for once. Yeah, shocked the fuck out of me too.

We got out of there alive of course. Once I got over to B and she could see how the odds were so not in our favour anymore, there was never any question about staying till the bitter end. If it had been an apocalypse kinda deal, and the weight of the world was on our shoulders instead of just our manic little corner of it, then I might not be here now writing this. But it was just a demon. Okay a demon Giles and the Scoobies underestimated and don't think for a minute me and B have let them get away with that, but just a demon all the same. So we made like a regular couple of gals and got the fuck out of there.

And I'd like to say that was it. I'd like to say that the one time I actually listened to my heart where B is concerned is what has got me all riled up. Riding the roller coaster of emotion again like some kid in a theme park rides the Big Dipper till it makes them sick.

But I can't say that.

I can't say that 'cause it was after we'd stopped running and made it all the way back to her house, that has got me this screwed up again. It was walking her up to the front door, her turning towards me about to say something that's made the world of Faith all whacked again. It was seeing her face as I bleached white and stumbled forward 'cause the pain in my head just hit a home run and I couldn't stand anymore, that's made it impossible for me to go a minute without thinking about her. It was feeling her hands holding onto me, pulling me into her body and falling with me to the ground. It was the tears in her eyes spilling over as she yelled for her mom inside to "come quick, Faith's hurt!" It was the last thing I heard her say before the fog came back and took over completely inside my head, that has made me realise that I'm not going to get over this thing with B. It's never going to go away.

As I lay there in her arms I heard her whisper…

…"Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me."

I couldn't leave you B. Not even if I tried.

Five by five…if only.