CHAPTER 23: The Price of Duty

The fire on the hearth crackled and sparked when she tossed the wood in. Black coals burned red on the pile. They burned like the reptilian eyes in her dreams. Kallian watched the flames lick the crumbling wood and double in size, fed to the full. She wondered how many men it would take to fill the belly of their enemy tomorrow. The elf threw another one in. And another… to push Alistair's voice out of her mind. His initial anger, then his gradual despair, and finally… the pleading. She couldn't quite escape it. Kallian snapped the last piece on her thigh and dropped it into the hissing fire.

Damn you, she thought, bracing herself with a hand against the wall. Damn you.

Kallian closed her eyes tightly, trying to fight against the memory. She couldn't afford to feel and let her resolve waver. Not right now- not till it was all over. In fact, not ever again.

"Please, Kallian!"

She wished she could block her ears- but doing so would achieve nothing. The voices were in her mind.

"I could do it, I can! It should be me!"

Kallian shook her head, biting her tongue.

"I would make a terrible king anyway. It was an absurd idea from the start!"

The elf choked out a laugh. Terrible king or not, you'd be alive you fool.

"Damn it, Kallian! You can't do this!"

By this time, Alistair was visibly crying and kneeling on the ground. But Kallian didn't say a word. She stared numbly out the window. Riordan slowly came over and placed a hand on Alistair's shoulder.

"She has chosen her path, boy. You cannot change it."

Alistair shrugged it off, standing up and eyes flashing. "By drawing lots?" he demanded angrily. "It's a joke!" He grabbed Kallian by the shoulders and shook her. "Listen to me, Kallian! You're throwing your life away for me. It's not worth a penny. It's certainly not worth your life!"

The elf flung his hand away coldly. "It was never meant for anything else. I know that now."

"Don't be a hero," he said desperately. "If you die… if you die, I'll never be able to forgive myself."

Kallian remained silent, afraid that a single word would shatter her mask.

Alistair floundered about helplessly, pacing the room while Riordan watched in sympathy.

"No, no, no…" he muttered, taking her shoulders again. "You're doing the wrong thing. You're… think of what's waiting at the end. Think of Leliana!"

He had come close. Very close to changing her decision. Kallian bit the insides of her cheeks until it bled. A wave of emotion surged up, threatening to breach the wall that contained it. But it was too late. She knew it had to be done. She just knew it.

"Yes," she said out loud, needing some audible reassurance… a confirmation that she had chosen right. "It has to be done."

There was a sharp rap on the door.

"Enter."

A rather haunting shadow moved across the wall, expanding and elongating to twice the actual size. Kallian turned to face the witch.

"So you have returned."

Simple statements. Simple answers. Kallian always liked that about her. She nodded.

"It is done."

The elf moved to lift the heavy tome off the table. She handed it to Morrigan's waiting hands. The witch received it almost reverently, dusting the leather cover of the Grimoire with her hand.

She shook her head in amazement for the first time. Her golden eyes were oddly vulnerable. "I barely dared hope 'twas even possible… and my mother?"

"Dead."

"Oh, she will return," said Morrigan, expression darkening. "Believe me. Flemeth is not defeated so easily… but for now, I am safe."

A silence ensued as Morrigan stared down at the book with a brooding gaze. Kallian waited patiently.

"Thank you… for this," said Morrigan, voice uncharacteristically emotional. "No one has ever… thank you."

"You're welcome."

The witch stood there a bit awkwardly, not knowing how to proceed.

"You know you can always rely on me," said the elf seriously. "It's what friends are for, isn't it?"

She fixed Kallian with a rather suspicious gaze, as if trying to figure her out. But then she relented and the intimidating light in her eyes was gone. "Tis. I… I must admit I have been impressed by your leadership thus far. It has not been an easy journey. And contrary to what you may think, I have noticed that you have been… most accepting of my views. I thought the Chantry girl would have you converted to a blubbering idiot like that fool of a king. But… it seems I was wrong."

"Your views are your own. You've had a different upbringing, different experiences. What would I achieve by criticizing that?"

Morrigan gave her a rare smile. "Wise words," she said wryly. "For that you have my thanks."

Then the witch seemed to regain control of herself and the superior demeanour returned. She lifted her chin. "Well then, we are hopefully free of any further pressing obligations involving my protection. Let us return to the matter at hand, shall we?"

"The Blight," said Kallian, feeling a heaviness press down on her.

Something flickered in the witch's golden eyes. "Yes. I presume that Warden gave you the news?"

"What news?" Kallian asked sharply.

"I am certain you know precisely what news I mean."

The Warden's eyes flicked to the open door and she strode over to shut it. Kallian rounded on her with narrowed eyes.

"How do you know about this? Only Alistair and I were there."

The witch crossed her arms, an amused look on her face. "I know a great many things. How I know is not quite as important as what I am offering you, however."

Kallian mirrored her, crossing her arms and waiting for the answer.
Morrigan turned to face the fire, which lit her features up but also deepened the shadows under the sharp contours of her bones. It occurred to Kallian for the first time that the witch was much older than she appeared.

"I offer you a way out," said Morrigan. "A way out for all the Grey Wardens- that there need be no sacrifice."

There was an empty silence as this vaguely registered in Kallian's brain. The Warden burst out laughing, making Morrigan's eye twitch.

"Is this a joke?"

"Do I seem the sort to jest at a time like this?"

"… No."

"Then listen to me," hissed the witch.

Kallian shook her head. "I don't see how it's possible."

"A ritual," said the witch, ignoring her. "Performed on the eve of battle, in the dark of night."

The Warden frowned, interested but suspicious. "What ritual?" she asked carefully. "If there's anything I've learned in this life, it's that nothing comes without a price."

"Perhaps. But that price need not be so unbearable, especially if there is much to be gained. All I ask is that you listen to what I have to offer, nothing more."

"Very well."

The witch went over to the sofa and looked up at her. "What I propose is this: let Alistair lay with me tonight. And a child will be conceived."

What?!

"The child will bear the taint, and when the Archdemon is slain, its essence will seek the child's like a beacon. At this early stage, the child can absorb that essence without perishing. The Archdemon is still destroyed, with no Grey Warden dying in the process."

Morrigan sat there waiting for her response, an infuriatingly smug expression on her face. Up until now, Kallian had had some hope that the witch would offer something that made sense.

"This is insanity," said the Warden in disgust. "You would let the soul of an Old God into a child?"

The smugness dissipated and the witch frowned. "I had not expected you to oppose such a proposal. Perhaps I was wrong and the Chantry girl has indeed won you over to her foolish ideals."

Kallian shook her head firmly. "I won't allow this. I can't," she said, turning her back on the witch.

"Do not let your foolish pride condemn you!" snapped Morrigan. "No Grey Warden asked for the sacrifice that is now demanded of them, and I offer all of you a way out. Will you not reconsider?"

The Warden stared at her, feeling like the air was compressing her from all sides.

She's being serious. She's really being serious…

"And what then? What happens after the child absorbs the soul?"

"You must allow me to walk away… and you do not follow me. Ever. The child will be mine to raise as I wish."

Kallian laughed aloud. "Morrigan… you can't be serious! And what will you do with the child?"

"That is my concern and not yours."

"Not my concern?" asked the elf incredulously. "How can this not be my concern?"

"You must trust me to do what is best."

The Warden stood there, covering her face with her hands. "This is not an option. The price is too great," she said after a while.

Morrigan's face hardened and she stood to glare at Kallian. "Do not throw away your life on the principle of some heroic ideal or righteous behaviour. Think carefully about this: is it really necessary? Or, if you would rather, consider Leliana. What do you think she would advise, if she knew the life of her beloved was at risk? I think you know."

At the mention of the bard, Kallian faltered. It was tempting… so very tempting. They had been through so much together, so much! Wading through every single blasted quest to get here. At some point, she knew the future could bring death for them. She knew… but she had hoped. And then when Riordan had dropped the truth to her- she realized she never really had a choice. There had never been a future for the two of them.

But here was Morrigan, offering her a way to survive. A damn insane solution, but a solution all the same.

Yes… after all they had been through. She couldn't let it end like this.

She remembered making those blue eyes dance. Her laughter, her smile, Leliana saying she was happy… After Marjolaine, Leliana deserved better than this.

"You are a Grey Warden. You have responsibilities that supersede your personal desires."

Kallian closed her eyes in pain. Wynne's words resonated in her mind again, as they had been ever since that day. They dogged her footsteps and reminded her with every action, every decision she made.

"Love is ultimately selfish. It demands that one be devoted to a single person... to the exclusion of all else."

I am a Grey Warden.

Could she live with the guilt? She didn't believe the witch inherently evil, but how could she deal with the repercussions? There would be- there was no doubt about this.

What do you think she would advise?

Kallian knew what Leliana would say. She had seen what the sister was like back at castle Redcliffe, confronting Connor. The woman would protect lives with all her heart. She would protect the life of an innocent child.

I am a Grey Warden.

"No," she said quietly. "I know what Leliana would say- and it will be beyond what you can comprehend. She would say it was wrong, and she would never allow a child to be used like that. I would rather die with her approval than live knowing that I am deceiving her."

Her friend made a noise of impatience. "You need not deceive her your whole life."

The elf shook her head. "I can't tell her the truth."

"Then you are a fool!" spat Morrigan. "Die, if you feel it is worthwhile. I care not."

Kallian nodded. "I do know it's worthwhile. Not only will I be saving her, I'll be saving all of you."

The witch whirled on her, face twitching. "You are right. I do not comprehend your logic. But… as you said, we are different, you and I." She sighed. "Fare you well, then. Should you live past the morrow, I trust it will only be with regret."

Morrigan swept past her out of the room and shut the door with a boom.

The room felt emptier than it was as Kallian stood there, alone. She walked over slowly to the door, dragging her feet. She bolted the lock and leaned her back against it, closing her eyes. Only when the footsteps faded completely did she let it go.

All that she'd been suppressing came crashing through the barrier. Kallian clamped a hand on her mouth as the sobs welled up. The tears streamed down and ran over her fingers, dripping to the ground. Kallian's back slid down the door to the ground as she wept. She cried even harder than when her mother died. Or when Shianni had been raped, or when Soris was imprisoned and she alone escaped the Alienage.

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"Kallian?"

The knocking started again.

"Kallian, I know you're in there."

Kallian went over to open it before Leliana could knock any more.

"Maker's breath," said the elf, forcing a smile. "I was getting dressed."

The bard raised an eyebrow. "For this long?"

"And… I was thinking."

"Oh?" asked the sister, stepping into the room and closing the door behind her. "Of what?"

"Of things."

Leliana smiled a little, touching the elf's cheek. "Then we shall talk of these 'things'," she said, seating herself on the edge of Kallian's bed. The bard patted the spot next to her and the elf sat down. "Is it the battle tomorrow?" she asked softly.

"That's one of them."

"We will make it through," said the bard, taking her hand. "We will win."

Maker, I don't know if I can do this…

Kallian nodded. "We will," she said, but with a tinge of doubt in her voice.

Leliana swept aside the elf's bangs fondly. "Kallian… do you remember when I told you about my vision?"

"I remember."

"Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

Kallian frowned, thinking. "No… what did I say?"

The bard smiled. "You told me: believe what feels right to you. You know what you believe in, and that is enough."

"Oh… that," said the elf, half chuckling.

"So take your own advice and believe," said Leliana. Then she paused, studying the Warden's face. "Kallian… you have led us through so much, we have come so far. There is but one more fight left. And I know you will make us proud. I am already proud of you."

A weak smile tugged at Kallian's lips. "Thank you."

"Who would have thought that young, cold and vengeful elf would become a great hero of Ferelden?" said the bard, placing a hand on her cheek.

"I'm not a hero yet."

"No? From the smallest act to the greatest, you have always been a hero. You saved Shianni and the bridesmaids. You freed Sten from the cage. You led us through all the quests- defending Redcliffe, saving Connor, finding Branka, winning the Proving, saving the Dalish, defeating Ser Cauthrien…"

"You say that as if I did it all. We did it together. All of us."

"But a team cannot operate as a scattered entity. It must be united against its foes. And you did that for us, my love."

"It was my duty."

Leliana laughed at that. "Oh, you are silly. Silly and stubborn as an ox. Would it hurt to credit yourself for once?"

"I have to be vigilant. I have to be ready."

"Sometimes… you are allowed to look back and be grateful for what you have accomplished. For what you have."

Kallian didn't reply at once.

"You know, I have never regretted leaving Orlais. I do not regret any of the pain, the anger, the loneliness, because it brought me to you," said the bard, making the elf's throat constrict.

"I'm… glad to hear that," said Kallian quietly, feeling worse and worse by the second.

"I'm so happy, Kallian," continued the bard, smiling broadly. "Even though the battle is at our doorstep and there are thousands of Darkspawn out there. I am happy."

Kallian nodded, swallowing. It was like swallowing shards of glass.

"I have been thinking," said Leliana. "About what happened at the Alienage… when this is all over-"

"Wait, Leliana," Kallian forestalled her, unable to keep it in any longer.

The bard stopped, waiting expectantly.

"I… I have something to tell you."

Again the emotions started to surface.

"Leliana…"

How to tell her? How to even begin?

"Leliana," she said again. "We found out why Grey Wardens are needed to kill the Archdemon."

"Oh?" said the bard, shifting in her position.

"When the Archdemon is killed, its essence passes to the nearest Darkspawn and it lives in that body. The Darkspawn is soulless, empty. So when it does, it still lives anew. But when a Grey… Grey Warden…" said Kallian, choking.

Leliana suddenly tensed, sensing the shift in the atmosphere. "Kallian?" she asked, a slight note of fear in her voice. "Kallian, what's the matter?"

"When a Grey Warden kills it," said Kallian, controlling herself again. "The essence is destroyed."

The bard nodded slowly. "Because you have a soul?"

"Yes," said the elf, her voice almost a whisper. "And as the essence of the Archdemon is destroyed… so is the Grey Warden."

Kallian averted her gaze and stared at the floor, still talking.

"And I volunteered to do it… should Riordan fail."

There was a stunned silence as the bard took this in. At last, the Warden turned her stiff neck to the bard. Leliana was likewise staring at the floor, eyes lifeless and unseeing. The sight scared Kallian more than any dragon or Darkspawn they had encountered. It froze her insides like the harshest winters in Denerim- and she had known many of these since childhood.

"Leliana?"

"Tell me," whispered the bard. "That you didn't."

Kallian could hardly breathe. She reached out to put her hand on the bard's. Leliana pulled it away and held both of her hands to her ears, shutting her eyes.

"It's not true, it's not true," she said fervently. "It's not true…"

"Leliana, I'm sorry…"

The woman kept shaking her head violently, blocking her ears. Kallian died a thousand times as she watched Leliana break down in front of her. She took hold of the bard's hands again and pulled them away, fighting her as she resisted.

"No, no, no!" sobbed Leliana, still shaking her head.

Kallian pulled her toward her chest, holding her tight even as the bard struggled. The elf closed her eyes and gritted her teeth, tears burning her eyelids.

Damn it, damn this…

Her own body shook with emotion as she held Leliana. She buried her face in the copper hair, gritting her teeth.

"I love you," she said again and again. "I love you, I love you…"

Leliana sobbed even more violently, collapsing against Kallian. She gripped the elf's shirt with a hand as if to tear it.

"Oh, Kallian… it can't be…"

"I'm so sorry."

They held each other as if holding on to driftwood in the middle of the ocean. Kallian kissed her hair and head.

Leliana trembled in her arms and drew back. "But you might not have to," she said desperately. "If Riordan kills it, you will live."

"Leliana… I don't know what will happen tomorrow."

The army in the canyon… is there any hope?

"But you can't give up hope," said Leliana, gripping her hands.

"I won't give up," said Kallian, trying to smile… but who was she kidding? Someone would die tomorrow- that was certain. "But we need to prepare ourselves for the possibilities."

The bard shook her head resolutely. "I refuse to believe that it will come to that."

"Death is just another beginning, remember? Even if death comes, we…" said Kallian, her voice breaking. "We'll live on. We'll see each other in the afterlife."

Kallian gazed at the bard's tear stained face. She held it with both hands.

"No, no, no…" whispered Leliana, closing her eyes. Fresh tears ran down her cheeks.

"Ar lath ma…" she murmured, resting her forehead on the bard's.

The Warden closed her eyes and held the woman that way for a long time, as if to stretch the time out for as long as possible. So that this moment would become forever.

Is there a forever in this world? She thought bitterly, remembering the hundreds of glassy eyes on the battlefield. Fathers, husbands, sons, wives, daughters… life was but an instant.

The room was dark save for a lone candle on the table. Outside, the city was deep in slumber, waiting for the light of dawn. Only the stars were out, silver sentinels in the night. And looking out at those constellations, Kallian drew a small measure of comfort.

Yes. This, at least, would be lasting. This, was worth dying for.